Is the father of my child mental or just have a drinking problem? HELP!

[bellanicola003]

Hi, the father of my child and I have been together for 3 years now. We were the best of friends when we started dating about 6 months after we met. Like any relationship we had problems and pry said things out of anger, etc. Many times, his anger came out when he was drinking. He would say vile and ignorant things to me and upset me to the point that I would either say something back or just cry. We had some problems, like anyone, and split for about a month (4 months after getting engaged), but got back together and was moving slowly to get things back to good.

 

In the meantime, he began looking for a house of his own, our plan was that he would live there, I would live in my house, and in about a year we would get married and buy our own home together with my daughter (result of an 8 year relationship with my late fiancee who was killed in a car accident before we got married). Things were going well and he never had any outbursts while drinking or at any time to be honest - he was always very rationale.

 

Surprisingly, on April 1st (of all days!!!!) we found out that I was pregnant - completely not planned, but exciting!!! He ended up finding a home before we found out about the baby and went through the buy after we found out - he wanted to get out of his parents home! We had decided that we weren't going to jump in to marriage or living together again because we wanted to make sure everything was good for us. He even said he wanted to come to counseling with me to figure out some things and to also find out why if I do something,he would get so mad at me before when we lived together, even though if someone else did it, it wouldn't bother him two bits. I was happy he wanted to help him to ultimately help us.

 

Now I had suffered from depression last year, due to a crazy work schedule 9thinking money was more important than sanity), but I've been in counseling for about 9 months now and it's under control and things have been really good. We had both been working hard at our relationship seriously in the last 2 months and haven't even had as much as a tiff between us- that was really good for us! And we were spending more and more time together. He even mentioned how much I've changed - not picking fights, etc. I had become a bit of a drama queen last year when I was depressed!

 

Lately though (past week or two), he's been drinking a lot. He says that he can't drink too much, but he has been. This past Saturday, he drank all day while doing work around his new house and was so drunk that he passed out around 8:30 PM and slept clear into the next day. He also had a seminar to attend this past week for work and drank every night there with his buddies who had gone with him. On Wednesday night he called me to tell me how much he missed me and loved me and ended up picking a fight with me and yelling at me telling me that I picked a fight with him. He had woken me up out of a deep sleep and had me questioning whether or not I was losing my mind because I couldn't remember how I started the fight. I know I didn't - how could I have?! He started calling me names, saying he didn't want to deal with me anymore (somehow, I'm the only problem in the relationship when it comes from him most of the time), that I could cry all night, he didn't care, I was an idiot, he called me a stupid B!tch - needless to say I couldn't stop crying. He ended up hanging up on me and called back 15 minutes later to apologize. We began talking and I did say something that I shouldn't have in relation to something we were talking about before and it had no place in this conversation and he flipped out again on me. Now, I can understand arguing, but he resorted to the name calling again and said he didn't want to go the baby's appointments with me (My next ultrasound is in 2 weeks!), that he didn't want to have anything to do with me, for me to leave him alone, etc. I said ok and was crying so hard. He said he didn't feel bad for me crying, that I could cry all weekend for all he cared because my tears mean nothing to him! That he didn't want to see me this weekend at all and to stay away from him. I asked him to stop being so mean and he started to mimick me crying - it was horrible and he ended up hanging up on me. I cried myself to sleep while praying to God for help.

 

Next morning he calls me at work like nothing is wrong and tells me that he's sorry and everything is ok. At this point, I'm so hurt and refuse to let this man treat me this way. An apology is not good enough when I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant with your child and you're mentally and emotionally abusing me. He knew I was upset and was trying to be nice. He was on his way home from the seminar and said he would call me when he got home. I knew that when we talked, I was going to give him the alternative of shaping up or me shipping out - it's not fair to be treated so meanly. Well...all day, he never calls. Finally I call him around 9:30 at night and got his vm. He calls me back 5 minutes later and is at a bar celebrating the 4th of July with his neighbors who are in their 60's - we are 30. He acted like nothing was wrong, told me about how much work he got done around his house that day - wait till I see it, etc, and he could tell there was something wrong. He asked why I didn't call him all day and I told him because he said he was going to call me. He apologized and said he wouldn't be long at the bar. He asked me again what was wrong and I told him that I was very upset; that I just can't live with him talking to me and treating me the way he was. AT this point, since mid afternoon mind you, I had been cramping and told him. He said that I get myself worked up - I said...no you work me up! I told him calmly that what he said and did the night before was horrible and hurt me deeply, he told me that he apologized case closed. Well it wasn't closed to me, he hurt me and thought that an I'm sorry would make it all better. I repeated some of the things he said to me and he didn't want to hear it...all he wanted to do was go back to drinking. I asked him if going back and drinking was more important than fixing this and he said Yes. OMG HE SAID YES!!! I couldn't win. He said that if he's so bad, then just leave him alone (another one of his threatening lines), I told him ok, because I couldn't live like that and having other things put in front of me like drinking wasn't right and we hung up.

 

I realized that he still had my air mattress to sleep on until he gets his new bed and being the hormonal woman that I am, I wanted it back. I know that I shouldn't have gone down there, but I drove to his house, text him along the way and told him that I wanted it back . When we got there, he told me that I wasn't allowed in his house!!! * * * ?!?!? Then he brought it outside, still inflated and told me to start pushing on it to get the air out - yes, with cramps? GREAT IDEA! He told me to get away and started deflating it and told me that once this is done that he wants me off of his property or else he was going to call the cops on me! OMG...I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING! He was treating me like a piece of garbage, it hurt me so bad...He said to just leave and not bother with him again. I kicked him in his leg - I KNOW IT WAS WRONG! and I did apologize...he just hurt me so bad. I ended up throwing the half full mattress into my SUV and he told me to leave. I started to and then he started running his mouth. I asked if we could just talk, that I didn't understand why he was being so mean to me the last few days. He told me to get off of his property and actually pulled out his phone like he was going to call the cops. WE ARE SCHOOL TEACHERS IN THIS TOWN HE LIVES IN! To boot, I wasn't doing anything but trying to talk. He told me to leave. Then he said he didn't love me anymore as I was pulling away. I went around the block and asked him to tell me to my face that he didn't love me. He said he just said that, but to leave him alone that he had it with me - to look at the way I was acting! He started walking back down to the bar which is about 5 blocks. I begged him literally, to come back. I said "We're having a baby together, please", but he just kept walking. I got back into my SUV and needed gas (GREAT!) and pulled to the next gas station. I called him, he picked up as he was walking and I asked if we could just talk. He refused, said we could talk tomorrow. * * * ? He said that for 3 years I got what I wanted and now he's getting what he wants, that if I don't like it to just leave him alone. Now as he's saying this, I'm pumping my gas and he's walking right past the gas station and won't even acknowledge my existence, he just kept walking. I practically begged to talk and then finally said ok...I just can't do this anymore. He told me to then leave him alone and I said ok. We hung up, both saying good bye and I haven't heard from him since.

 

I've only had him flip out like this on me when he was drunk (only sometimes though!) maybe like 4x's since we've been together has he acted this crazy. Why do you think he's doing this now? It was so out of the blue and I'm in shock. I know that I can't live like this. He told me that he wanted the girl back that he fell in love with and I told him that the girl he fell in love with ran her mouth, said what she was feeling and didn't take no crap from anyone! Well, she's back. I can't go through this pregnant - especially when I get upset and then cramp.

 

Any idea why he's doing this? Is he scared about the baby? I don't know. Please help, I'm so heartbroken. This man is my best friend. I can't believe he flipped like this on me 2 nights in a row. I'm literally in shock, I never thought he would do this, especially now. We are so close, I just don't understand it. He said that he loves me more than anything - if that was true, he wouldn't act this way! Was it just the alcohol? My friends saw him down the bar and said he was acting fine and they were asking him about me and he was acting like everything was fine. They also said when they got their early, around 9, he was already drunk.

 

HELP! I'm so hurt right now and can't sleep at all.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, never try to have any discussions about anything when he is drinking or drunk. He is not in a fit state to discuss anything and obviously surly and unapproachable. It will only up the tension and lead to more problems. If he's drinking, walk away from him and tell him you'll discuss things when he's sober. Don't try to discuss anything when he's hung over either.

 

It sounds like he might have a binge drinking problem. He doesn't do it all the time, but when he does, he drinks way too much. Starting drinking in the morning is a clear sign of problems with alcohol, or using alcohol to escape feelings and problems.

 

I think if you can afford it, you need to go to marriage counseling, or pre-marital counseling to decide whether you need to stay together or break up. He also needs to understand that his drinking patterns show there is a problem with drinking that he needs to deal with by stopping drinking.

 

He also may feel trapped by the baby, and might not be sure that he wants to continue in this relationship. The drinking could be stimulated by his desire to escape, which then when he drinks his inhibitions are reduced and he starts saying what he has been thinking. But drunks will also say things they don't mean if they are trying to hurt you because they are angry.

 

You need to take the pressure off him and say that if he is having any doubts about wanting to marry you and live together, then you shouldn't do it. Staying together just because you have a child together almost never works because the resentment is too high and the person feels trapped. So take some pressure off by not trying to force him to stay in the relationship if he is feeling claustrophobic. That will only make it worse.

 

He will of course have to be financial responsible for the baby and pay child support, but if he really doesn't want to be with you you can't make him, and pressuring him at this point will make it worse. If you back off and tell him that you want to stay together, but if he doesn't, you will accept that and work with him to have a non-stressful parenting arrangement with your child, he might come around.

 

You need to back off to protect yourself too, as this kind of stress is not good for you or your baby. You will be fine without him, and you still have a change that you might be able to work it out with him if you get some counseling and he gets adjusted to the idea that he will be a father.

[bellanicola003]

Thanks so much for the advice - my mother said the same thing about not being able to talk rationally with someone who has been drinking. I've learned my lesson there and should have years ago when I saw how he could be sometimes. It's like when he mixes certain alcohols he's out of control!

 

We made the decision to have this baby because we planned our life together. I basically let him contact me and make the plans with me because I didn't want him to feel obligated to me just because of the baby. I also didn't want him to feel, as you said, trapped by the baby or me. I'm perfectly fine with our setup right now - He has his place and I have mine. It's working out fine and we spend different nights at the different places. I do things with my friends and family and so does he. I don't think he's feeling trapped about the baby or me, because there has been NO pressuring by me at all, not to mention that I don't want to move into this new house he bought. It's a great bachelor pad, but not big enough for a family - my home now is much bigger, I'm not wanting to go anywhere but here right now, unless we bought our own home. We decided that we were going to take this slow and do what we felt at the time. If we wanted to go and get married before the baby was born, then we would, if we wanted to wait, we would...same with the living situations. So really, no pressure has been added by me that he would have some feelings toward me of resentment.

 

He said that he would like to do the counseling. He tells me that there is no one in this world he would rather be with than me or be the mother of his children because I'm his best friend. That's what hurts so much because we are best friends and have great communication between us. That's why his acting this way hurt me so deeply. He was like a monster!

 

I know that having a baby is a big adjustment on the father, especially when the woman is pregnant, so maybe he's just scared of it, I don't know. But he knows I'm here to talk to.

 

Do you think this is more of a drinking problem? It's hard to believe that he called me the other night saying that he just called to tell me how much he loves me and misses me and then turns into Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, by telling me not to bother with him anymore and that he can't deal with me! It's crazy.

 

let me know what you think

[dream83]

What scares me is that I can't tell you how much parts of the story reminded me of my ex. I think his problem goes beyond drinking and the drinking just brings it out.

 

My advice to you is to concentrate solely on your baby. Even if you weren't pregnant, you don't deserve to have a man "lower" in you in that way, saying horrible things, blaming all the problems on you, making a scene in public, threatening to call the cops. It sounds like he tries to manipulate you by saying some of these things, especially the "if you don't like it, leave" thing. I can't help but feel like he says that as a way of enjoying the feeling that he has control over you ("I can say whatever I want to her and she STILL won't leave me. I must be great"). I think you should take him up on his offer and go NC...at least for a little while. I guarantee he will be most likely knocking at your door pretending to be sorry for everything. But, that's not what's important. What's important is that you take some time away from him to protect yourself and your unborn child, especially since you're having cramps. You don't need the stress.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Some people absolutely can't drink. They turn into mean drunks and just can't handle it. Some perfectly reasonable people become terrible and aggressive and get involved in fights when drunk. That is why bars have bouncers!

 

Some people are happy drunks, some sad drunks, some angry drunks, and everything in between. He seems to fall into the angry and aggressive drunk category. Too much alcohol just has this effect on some people. Remember that he is under the influence of a drug when drinking. We don't think of alcohol as a drug, but it is. Many people are astounded when they hear what they did when drunk, and don't even remember it when they are told what they did later. It is a very powerful drug when ingested in large quantities.

 

So you first need to discount everything he says when drunk. But it is very clear that drinking has a terrible effect on his behavior, so he can't drink around you. And if he can't stop drinking, then he needs help, and needs to recognize he is an alcoholic that needs treatment.

 

People will do many things when drunk they'd never consider sober. So you need to tell him you can't live with that raging bull he is when drunk. He needs to really cut back his drinking to no more than one or two drinks at a time, and if he can't do that, then he shouldn't drink at all.

[Supa_gurl]

I can't answer your questions regarding his actions. But I can speculate that he has a serious problem. I can say I believe he may be getting scared of being stuck with a child. He may be your best friend, but the best advice I can offer is for you to take care of yourself, your daughter and the unborn baby. If he comes around again, tell him to go away, leave you alone. See how it feels buddy. He needs serious help before he injures you or your unborn child. Let him go. For the sake of health, safety and sanity. please!!

[afonselaca]

Unfortunately, this guy is acting out and you are going to have to block him out for a while so you can care for yourself, your unborn baby and daughter. I imagine the stress of dealing with him is hard on you right now and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

 

I am speaking from personal experience when I say it doesn't get easier. Right now the issue could be that he is feeling trapped into becoming a father and he's dealing with it through binge drinking. Fine. He might be only going through a troubled time, but more than likely he has alcoholic tendancies that are now surfacing. Hopefully it doesn't become a lifestyle choice for him.

 

If he is going to be a general ass then this is what you have to look forward to. Once the baby is born, he will be concerned with protecting his freedom and you will get to do all the baby stuff alone. It will be a struggle for you especially since you already have a child and you'll need to figure out how to communicate your needs to him in a manner that he will respond to. Demanding, pleading and crying never worked for me. I was SOL until the court order was put in place, but at least that was monetary relief, so definitely take him to court.

 

If you suspect over time that he is indeed an alcoholic then take protective measures for your child. You can have a condition in your child support orders that he can't consume alcohol while in the presense of your child. Just letting you know you can request this clause.

 

I hear you saying that you want to stay in your present living situation and you sound quite independent. It would probably be best for you and your daughter to just leave him be for a while and let him come to you... don't argue or debate anything. You are having his baby. Done Deal. He needs to come to terms and buck up. No debating allowed.

 

Let him initiate contact if he can be reasonable and treat you with respect. He's undoubtedly worried about the huge responsiblities unfolding before him. I really hope that he isn't an alcoholic and deals with your situation with great care in the future.

[bellanicola003]

Thanks so much for your kind words, all of you...it means a great deal. I suspect that there is definitely something more there underneath that causes him to flip out while drunk. I just never thought he would do this to me since we've worked things out from before and especially now that I'm carrying his child.

 

I've made my choice to leave him alone and am thinking about the course of action I want to take when contact is made from him. I mean, he has to sit back and realize one of these days, that he acted completely out of control to me and was so cruel that a typical "I'm sorry" was not going to cut it. I am a very independent person, but I'll admit, it's been a VERY hard transition to go from living together to not! He's even said it's hard on him because even if we had other things to do all day, we came home to one another and would talk until we fell asleep. To help stop the weirdness of our situation, he and I began taking turns staying at each others places on days that we could. To boot, my daughter (who is 10) LOVES him unconditionally. He is the only father figure she has ever had outside of my family - which I can say, are AMAZING PEOPLE! Even when we told her about the baby, he picked her up in his arms and told her that no matter what this little one is going to be, that she will always be his girl! He was choked up, I was choked up, it was a beautiful moment. I don't see how he can walk away from that.

 

He can be controlling, I guess you can say, when he threatens like "don't bother with me anymore if you don't like the way things are", etc, etc. Someone mentioned above that he must like the control he feels he has over me. The thing is, is that when we started dating, if he said that to me, I'd say goodbye, hang up the phone and that would be that. When we got back together after our month break up in early fall, I guess I felt guilty of how I acted - even though I wasn't aware I was depressed and suffering from it deeply. I began to feel very guilty though, so I would try to squash any problem we would have and just apologize about it and move on. He started to get some control over me and he always hated girls like that and here I was becoming one. Believe me, I can be a b!tch, but I was allowing him to basically walk over me, do what he wanted, etc, bc I didn't want to fight and cause problems.

 

I just know that I deserve better than how he's acting. I'm sure he's out drunk somewhere, but I know he'll miss me. I'm his best friend. It's just a shame it's come to this and I'm hoping he will realize his faults.

 

I'm thinking that I shouldn't deal with him too much at all until we attend counseling together to squash all of this nonsense. What do you think?

[afonselaca]

You say you have an expectation that he should apologize for being cruel. What if he does and then acts up, putting you through another round of this behavior??

 

It is possible that he'll go to counseling?

[bellanicola003]

Yes, actually he had brought it up to me right before he moved into his house. He said that once he got the house straight (which he's been spending a lot of time fixing up), that he wanted to go as a couple to talk to my therapist. He said that he wants to understand why he has the tendency of losing it when it comes to me sometimes - he was talking about these type of rages that he had when he was drinking before our breakup in the fall. He has told me that he's never been this way with anyone else.

 

You see...I am the first person he has ever truly loved. Yes, he had a gf in college and one after college, then there was me. But even when we were friends and talked about his relationships (when there was no indication we would ever be a couple), he told me that he liked them and cared for them, but that he did ultimately what he wanted because they loved him so much that they didn't care what happened - they just wanted to be with him under any cost. He just said that he didn't love them like they loved him. It wasn't like that.

 

When we became a couple, he told me that he had never felt for anyone the way he felt about me. That he would do anything for me. And believe me he did! He did so much for me during the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship - surprise trip to NYC for my bday to see the Rockettes during Christmas time, trips to see famous basketball teams since we both LOVE basketball, due to my job last year he would get my daughter up and ready for school PLUS take her to school, he was there at every basketball and soccer game she had cheering her on, when we would have take your kid to work day - he would take her from me and she'd spend the whole day with him because he wanted her to. Plus, he would do little things like cut the roses off of our rose bush and bring them inside to me. It's just unreal how he's acting this way now. I know that my depression hurt him a lot because he became the primary provider for me and my daughter - cooking, cleaning, EVERYTHING. That's why I've felt so guilty and have tried to do everything possible that I can to make this work. But it's like now, sometimes I feel like he's fed up and he's not going to take much.

 

This past week I did nothing though to cause him to be this way - heck, he called to tell me how much he loved me and missed me and then it turned into this? I know there is no talking to a drunk - NOW, but for someone who has told me that he loves me more than anything in this world and never wants to be without me - it's getting hard to believe he actually feels this way. I haven't talked to him in over 24 hours - the 4th has come and gone and he has not contacted me to apologize or talk. I need to stand my ground I know, but I'm hurting so badly. I don't want to get out of this bed - although don't worry, I am, but heck, I don't want to! It just hurts so bad. I need to have the upper hand here because it's not fair to be treated the way he treated me and then allow an I'm sorry to fix it. Am I right on that? Should I just have forgiven him and talked to him about it at another time or not?

 

What do you guys think? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It's pretty clear he needs to stop drinking... and that as long as he is drinking this will continue. Him stopping drinking needs to be the precursor to you staying together.

 

You say you get along fine as long as he doesn't drink, and he behaves terribly when drinking, so that is an obvious solution to a lot of the problem. But if he has a genuine (and deepening) drinking problem, and refuses to acknowledge it, there is not much you can do and he will do this again and again and again. People don't 'learn' how to be nice drunks. If they're a mean drunk, they will always be a mean drunk because of the effect of alcohol on them.

 

So don't focus on this particular fight or what he says when he's drunk, focus on the larger problem, his drinking makeshim a surly and mean drunk. If he agrees to stop drinking, you are more than halfway home. So don't focus on your feelings being hurt when you talk to him again. Who cares what he said, he was drunk and nasty and intending to hurt you.

 

You need to tell him that he can't drink around you anymore because you both know how that will end, in a fight. So if he is drinkng, you leave and refuse to talk to him. Eventually he may get lonely, but if he chooses drink over you, it is sad, but you need to save yourself and your kids from his drunken rages. That is no way to raise kids having them see that.

[bellanicola003]

I know what you say is true - I completely agree. Something needs to cease here, but this is the first time in a year that this has occurred - do I have enough grounding on that to make him stop drinking all together. Hell, he won't even call me to apologize. He's blamed this whole thing on me - I know he has...he started to when we were fighting, well actually, he was yelling mean things at me and I was just crying like a wimp and asking him to stop because he was upsetting me.

 

Will he ever contact me? My God he was so mean - meaner than I've ever seen him be to anyone - my heart is broken and I don't know what to do. I know what I can't do though and that's contact him. This needs to come from him. But I just feel so low and sad - I just want to lay here and sleep and cry all day.

 

What should I say if we do talk? Should I say, "I don't want to talk to you" or just listen to what he has to say. I know that no matter what I may have said (even if I did say something to provoke anger at all) that I didn't deserve what I got back.

 

I'm just so sad...

[Supa_gurl]

If you talk, I would definatley say "I don't want to talk until you realize how hurtful the things you said to me were, and until you seek conseling and get sober" end of story, hang up. The heartbreak is intense, I am sure. But you already sound like a strong individual and I know you can do it. Good luck to you.

[bellanicola003]

Ok, so here is an update...he still hasn't called me but my friends have seen him out in the town he lives in during their 4th of July celebration. He's not with any girls or anything like that...he was with his neighbor one night and his buddy the other. He's getting there around 9 PM and staying till well after midnight.

 

I still can't believe he hasn't called me...it's like he's going for a record here in drinking - it's been 7 days in a row that he has been drunk or drinking heavily. My gf's fiance thinks he's scared about the baby and is feeling trapped by this little one, although I haven't asked for anything but for him to be a part of it. He's said that's all he wants - and me of course. He has a weird way of showing it - don't ya think?

 

Any advice on how to get through this time would be great! I need to do NC, but it's so hard when you're pregnant because you just want to be held, plus, I can feel this little one inside of me moving all around - I love it...I just wish he were here to take part in it too.

 

Thanks guys!

[dream83]

Sorry this is happening. *hugs* Surround yourself with family and close friends and let them dote over you while you're pregnant. Sure, it's not the same as having the father, but you'll have all the other people who really love you.

 

There are other ways to handle life changes and increased responsibility, so there's no excuse for the way he's behaving.

[afonselaca]

I know it is tough to be alone but you can get through this time.

 

Since you are planning to continue living in your place anyway, maybe it would be best to emmerse yourself in your life with your daughter and try not to mull over the way he is or isn't treating you.

 

He isn't meeting your expectations but maybe given time he will come around. Try to concentrate on your children and your health.

 

I hope you are feeling ok {{{hugs}}}

[bellanicola003]

Awwww...you guys are making me cry! Thanks so much for your kind words and hugs. I guess I'm just in total shock of him acting like this because we haven't really had an argument of this magnitude since we got back together after our month break up about 9 months ago. I never thought that he would actually keep this going since after the first night of his ranting he called me and apologized the next morning.

 

In other ways he made me happy - I mean, as happy as he could make me at this point...obviously, I would rather be living together and married, but we weren't ready for that right now and why jump on in. We wanted to go to counseling first and make sure everything was good with us. We certainly didn't want to create a situation for the kids that we couldn't get out of. Secretly though, I would have at least liked to have lived together - AT LEAST, so he could be there for everything. I was well aware that after the baby was born he would be here more - I know he wouldn't be able to stay away from this little one, but isn't that what he's doing now?

 

I feel abandoned by him and feel that he has left this little one too. Do you think he'll realize what he's done?

[afonselaca]

I have observed the following in guys that are becoming new fathers when they aren't ready.

a) they very possibly have no concept of the reality of the situation because they don't have children already

b) they feel trapped because they feel they didn't make this choice for themselves at this point in their career/life/whatever, even though they really did make the choice just by virtue of having sex (notice they aren't worried about you in this conversation with themselves)

c) they don't experience the baby moving around inside of them so they don't really experience it as real until the actual birth, then they reevaluate their situation and start to see the reality

d) sometimes they want to count fingers and toes before they claim their own

e) they have a hard time reconciling their actions with their rewritten future.

 

This is the time to take responsibility but that in itself is a hard thing to do because it doesn't seem real yet to him. Does that make sense? Even though he sees your daughter he also knows she isn't his responsibility. It isn't the same until he accepts her as his daughter, marries you, adopts her, and takes care of his family. Or, what should be his family at this point.

 

He is mighty scared and isn't thinking of you at this point, he's thinking of him. That in itself isn't bad because he has to work it out for himself. It is the part where he drinks and verbally abuses you that isn't ok. He has no business treating you with such disrespect.

 

I went through this twice with the same guy. I won't hijack your thread with my gorey details LOL but I completely understand your feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I just feel your pain like it is my own and I wish I could make him shape up, but he's got to do that on his own.

 

He should realize his role and embrace it but he's not dealing with his problems in a constructive way so it will take more time for him to come to terms.

 

I know it will be rough for you but you are strong!

 

sorry I'm rambling... woo! what a long day

[Sparkle]

Hi Bella

 

Im sorry youre going through such a bad time.

Just a couple of thoughts......

 

Im wondering, you say that he pretty much fell out of love (or perhaps never was in love) with his 2 previous gfs and he was quite introspective in that he felt that this was due to the fact that there was no challenge??

 

When you started out, you had a 'no crap' attitude and you mention how this has changed (normal process of trust developing in a caring relationship obviously means you can ofcourse let your defences down somewhat).

 

Its clear from his actions in the past that he does love you, but I wonder, if he finds, with your change in style and also now with the baby coming along, that you no longer present a challenge, in the sense of keeping you?? Perhaps he feels that you will stay whatever he does and says??

 

Perhaps this is causing some conflict in him, in that he loves you and does really want all the things you are working to achieve, yet his inner previous pattern and worries are rising and its wise words from him that he would like to attend counselling.

 

Often, we do follow patterns that we just dont realise. Maybe this is a part of his fear and part of why he is fighting against these feelings and clearly hitting the bottle (which it seems from what you say that this is generally out of character??) I wonder if his acting out is to see if you would react as has been his previous past experiences - a test of sorts.

 

I know what its like to be spoken to this way, and how crushing yet angering it can be, and, not that this is in any way your fault, but on the night in question, your anger fed into the drama by prolonging the situation. (By driving out instead of just hanging up etc - probably even harder with all those hormones swirling around

 

If he hasnt spoken to you this way in previous rows, its the disrespect and crossing the line of the comments that makes me wonder if the above is an issue - is this how he treated and spoke to his previous gfs???

 

Just my thoughts - perhaps he is a guy that becomes scared when he actually gets what he has been chasing - perhaps he is scared to go all the way?? If so, his request for counselling is very sensible!

[bellanicola003]

afonselaca,

 

Thanks so much...I am becoming more and more aware of this "being scared to be a father thing." I actually went through this with my daughters father when I was pregnant with her, but we were young...hell I was 19 and he was 20, although we were together at that point for 6 years and knew we would end up together, he was a complete dork! He would call me at like 3 in the morning, drunk (what is it with alcohol and expectant fathers?) ranting and saying the baby wasn't his, etc. Oh really idiot? then who do you suspect is the father?! LOL It was horrible, he was horrible, but little by little he started to come around more as I started to show more. But...when our little girl was born he was transformed...which is why I believe that fathers are not fathers until they see their child for the first time...mothers are mothers the day we know we're pregnant. It's as simple as that. My late fiancee was the best father I had EVER seen...even to this day, and he was 21 when she was born. When he passed my mother and my family gave him the best compliment I think any guy could ever have on the face of this Earth - that he was ultimately born to be our daughter's father. Even now I tear up thinking that. He truly was.

 

My mother keeps saying to let my bf now go and see what happens. That he loves me, he especially loves my daughter and I know he loves this baby. He actually told me that he wishes I would have the baby and give it to him! Like that would EVER happen! But...my mother said that his true character will come out when the baby is born. I know he is scared, but he's 30 years old. I know that a lot has happened in our relationship that has turned him away from wanting to get married right now - he wants to make sure it's all good before we do that and I understand that, but I'm not asking for that right now. This living apart is helping both of us grow and I was hoping that maybe after the baby was born we would say, hey, let's go buy a home together. We already said that we want to get married, just not this day. Maybe we would before the baby is born in a little civil ceremony and then have one in a church after the baby is born, or just wait. I just feel that because he gave so much and I took so much and never gain back all those months when I was depressed that he has a bad taste in his mouth about our situation and is scared to be hurt again, because I did hurt him. I know that...but he's hurting me now.

 

What hurts so bad right now is the fact that he has to know that I'm upset and he's not doing anything to alleviate that at all - no contact, nothing! Wouldn't you want to be there for your gf if she was carrying your child?

[bellanicola003]

Hi Sparkle,

 

Thanks for your post...let me give you a little perspective on my baby's daddy (LOL) Just so funny to write. Ok...he was with 2 girls before me:

 

- His college gf - they dated for 5 years - she was a virgin and from what I hear a very, very nice, and quiet girl - she would never fight back. He said that the first year they dated, he was into her, but that he just knew she wasn't for him and he began to just go and do whatever his heart desired when his heart desired. If he wanted to go out with the guys instead of her, he did; if he wanted to be with another girl, he did; if he didn't want to see her all week, he didn't. She basically was ok with this and helped boost his ego that he's the best, etc. The ended up breaking up - I think he broke up with her. He said it was hard because she was such a nice girl, but definitely not what he was looking for although they had fun in their relationship.

- The 2nd gf, from what I know, was a rouse. They were together for maybe 3 years and were still together when we met at work. She was basically there for him whenever HE WANTED her to be and she was happy with that. He could go out every weekend and not see her and he would hear not even a peep from her about it. She didn't stand up for herself and was a very quiet, meek girl. She also was not very good looking either (not that looks always matter) but for him, it was weird because I think he's absolutely beautiful. Now...I know that he had maybe kissed another girl or other girls while they were together, but he never slept with anyone else. He said that she just didn't give him what he wanted...he never really had to do anything to make her happy because she was basically just happy being his gf.

 

So let me paint this picture of him...he is a gorgeous man, sandy hair, green eyes, great athlete, but not a body you would die for - although I think it's sexy! (LOL) He is the prince of his family and always got whatever he wanted in his life whenever he wanted it. He is a spoiled brat! Even in this new house, his family has bought him so much (given as bday gifts) but still hasn't had to buy any furniture on his own yet. A little sick, but ok. He thinks he is the cat's meow - a little cocky, but not to the point that no one likes him...many people due, he's just a cool dude.

 

- Now there's me in this equation. I was the no bull, tell it like it is chick from the bad town in our county. I didn't care what people thought of me, I spoke my piece and if you didn't like it, then you could leave me alone. That simple. I certainly was NOT LIKE the other girls he brought home to mommy - I was a fighter (in a good sense of the word). He really had to chase after me to get me even though I really wanted him. But that's not how it started...we just really hit it off as friends and would talk to the wee hours of the morning about our lives, our experiences, our families, you name it...yes, there was a flirt here or there, but nothing that would have you think that we were up to something. I was actually dating someone and he was still with his 2nd gf. We just loved talking together and confided and listened to one another (something we still do). We are both very stubborn too! I can remember the night he told me that he liked me - about a month before we started dating...I told him that was too bad because he had a gf. I didn't play any games...I wasn't that type of girl! LOL I had already broken off with the guy I was dating - it wasn't anything serious, so I had no strings attached to me. He told me that I was unlike any other girl he had ever met - so strong, so resilient, so beautiful. I remember the night we fell in love...it was beautiful and there was only one little kiss. I thought my heart was going to explode. I NEVER thought I could feel for someone the way I did about him, especially after losing my late fiancee 5 years earlier. It was crazy to me, but I loved this man. I love everything about him...even his flaws and the things that drive me crazy about him! I love him unconditionally...he said he felt the same way.

 

Our relationship was good...I just don't get it now...He did say that he wanted the girl he fell in love with...well guess what? She's back - she's 4 1/2 months preggers, but she's back. I'm not going to take this garbage from him! Who the hell does he think he is?! But at the same time I'm so hurt and wimpy. This wimpy part of me came out when we got back together because I didn't want to do anything to cause a breakup and be without him again...now I'm just like the girls he didn't like.

 

Oh...what can I do? I hate him right now, but I love him sooo much too! Why isn't he here apologizing to me?

[bellanicola003]

Oops I forgot to say that this man gave me anything and everything that I wanted before we broke up in early fall. He did everything I wanted him to do, etc, because he loved me and wanted to make me happy. He said that he did everything for me so that I would be happy but that i wasn't happy with that...that I always wanted more. I do agree with that...I did...my mistake, but I've changed and I'm not like that anymore. Going to therapy has helped me and I don't act that way anymore. I just think that now...he has a bad taste in his mouth about how I never gave back and was never happy. He would ask me why I'm with him if I'm never happy. It wasn't that I didn't want to though, I was just so depressed with work. don't you think though that the past should remain in the past now that we're back together and ready to have a baby? I mean, it keeps lurking it's nasty head here and there and it's hurtful because I don't have to keep remembering how much I hurt him. I know it! I know that's something that we would have to work up to, but he started to become the "If you don't like the way it is, then leave me alone!" that's ultimately the reason I said ok and haven't contacted him after telling him that I can't live this way anymore.

 

Anytime before he would be calling me, saying "Baby let's talk." But nothing now...Grrrr...I wish I could ring his neck!

[dream83]

I would be so turned off by a guy who has his dating history. Shame on the women who let him walk all over them, yeah. But, I think the fact that he delighted in walking all over these "nice girls" speaks volumes about his character and likely even his own self-image. People who are secure within themselves don't have to step on others even though they might have the opportunity.

[bellanicola003]

Honestly...I am not turned off by his history because he was young then...if we all waited for a person to come along that had a perfect history, we would all be waiting. I think we have all dated someone and became comfortable in the relationship even though we weren't happy. I know that it happened to me with people I dated after my fiancee passed away.

 

It was nice having them around because they were nice, we passed the time together, but I never saw a deep future with us, but never saw a reason for us to split either until I could no longer take it and had to.

 

Now I don't believe in the whole cheating thing, but that was his decision and again, he was a young guy when in college. Plus, believe me...I know he could have slept with a lot of people when he was with his 2nd gf and he didn't...that stands for something. Plus, the way that I know he broke up with them was not mean or cruel...he did it face to face and just said that they had to go their separate ways - that he didn't see a future with them. How much more honest and respectful can you get? Both of the girls ended up still wanting to be friends with him, so he had to have done something right.

 

Although I do agree that the way you treat people when you are in a relationship with them speaks volumes on the type of person you are and how heartful or heartless you can be. It also shows your esteem and character.

[dream83]

Perfect past and people who havent spent years using different people as doormats are distinctly different. If it had been just one girl...okay. But, these were the only two long term relationships he's had. And it sounds like they went on for years this way? I'm not saying people don't change, but that definitely would have my attention. This isn't something like "oh, I shoplifted a couple of times when I was 12." It's "This is how I've behaved consistently in my past relationships." Just something to think about. I'm not trying to upset you, but this pattern of the "I'm going to do whatever I can get away with" behavior is at least worth noting in the back of your mind.

 

Also, to me it matters less how honest and respectful the breakups were when he treated these girls so poorly during the relationship. It wasn't a matter of "We've had a nice time together, but I just don't see this going anywhere." It was "I've run around, ignored you, cheated/kissed other people, now I'm bored. So, I'm leaving." And the fact that they still want to be friends means little because they were willing to remain in a relationship with him while he was doing all these things.

 

But, with all that said he very well could've outgrown these tendencies and may not even be the same person he once was. These are just things that I would take note of when proceding forward with a guy.