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Messages of hope? Read only if you like to read.

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I've been going out of mind because of a couple of unresolved things during me and my former boyfriend's break-up on Monday. I sent the first message I am about to share for peace of mind a couple of days ago. Since then I have been battling every emotion from really sad to really mad because of unanswered questions. He responded to the first message and we messaged back and forth earlier today. I know that I should not build my life around a possibility, but is it wrong to have some hope, especially when you truly love someone and they love you? Anyway. I just wanted an unbiased interpretation of the messages we sent back and forth. I know I seem to be placing the ball in his court, but since he decided on the breakup it's kind of in his court anyway and I just think that if it's space he needs then letting him know I am respecting that is important. I'm proceeding with caution as much as my emotions will let me. Anyway, get your eyes ready for a crazy ride.


From me to him:


I know I shouldn't be contacting you right now, but I just wanted to tell you something.


During this time of finding what you need, working out the kinks, and pacing yourself, I just want to remind you that YOUR happiness is up to you. Happiness is a choice. Sports aren't going to MAKE you happy. Music isn't going to MAKE you happy. Drinking isn't going to MAKE you happy. 600 friends aren't going to MAKE you happy. Portland isn't going to MAKE you happy. I'm not going to MAKE you happy. All of these things, including myself hopefully again someday, just attribute to it. That state of living is entirely up to you. You must be happy with yourself before you can start adding in the extras.


It's like vanilla ice-cream: it's fine by itself, tastes good, but it's just the foundation for something better. Add some Reese's bits, maybe some caramel syrup, a lot of whipped cream and a cherry on top, it's even better! Without the ice-cream, you have something that looks kinda good, but really all it is is a mess of good things that might not be too yummy without the creamy-milky goodness in the long run.


I'm going to be doing the same thing. You made (make) me very happy. When we were having our happy times, they were really amazing and big happy times. But those not-so-amazing less happy times, even if they were sometimes small-ish issues, just started to outweigh the big. The fact remains that I have some little things I need to work on too, we both know this. I can't depend on you, anyone or anything else to make me happy but myself. I need to find out why I can't just make myself happy first. Once we have our ice-cream, we can add our Reese's bits on top. Unless time tells us that we'd rather have Snickers. Which, you know, Snickers are all fine and dandy, but Reese's are waaaay better. Ahem. I'm just sayin' . . .


Anyway. Please take care of yourself. Don't forget that I truly love you and you remain ________(my pet name for him)



You don't have to reply. I just felt compelled to tell you all of this. I'll talk to you later. Have a good 4th of July.



From him to me:


Hey, I just wanted you to know I read this message and I appreciate you sending It. I didn't want to rush a reply and say something stupid. I hope you know that I still care about you as well. This has been a very confusing time, but you're exactly right about the little bad things eventually outweighing the good. I am going to do my best to try to straighten myself out, and I just hope you and I find some way to be friends still while we figure ourselves out. You're a good friend and an important person to me, and I hope you don't forget that just because we aren't dating now.


Hope this makes sense, have a good weekend.



From me to him:


I need something cleared up, because it's something I need to know now. Even if you don't have a clear answer, I just need you to be as honest with me as you can.


Are you still in love with me? I know you love me and care about me, but those are completely different. I mean, do you hope that we can be together again someday, is that something you would want, or do you just want to find a way to be friends and only friends? I know that you're living on the mantra of "whatever happens, happens" but I refuse to just let fate decide this for us. I believe in that statement, but only to an extent. I want to make these changes, yes for ourselves, but because these changes would allow us a second chance at this and a more perfect relationship.


I need to know this now, not later. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been a mess the last few days. I miss you. I miss hanging out at the bars and the parties, even. I hate these feelings I'm having. I want to be your friend, but I don't know if that can happen in the near future if you don't understand how I feel about you. If I have to let even the smallest possibility of us being together go, then I need to know now because clinging to any false hope is not healthy.


When we were breaking up you made it seem like you hoped we could be together again, because you love me. If you were just saying that to make the blow softer, I have to know. I have been strung along too many times and I can't deal with it again.


The feelings I wrote to you in my letter to you still hold true and they aren't going to change just because we aren't together anymore. I hope that everything you've ever said hasn't changed either.


Sorry for the pressure. It's just something I need from you right now. Anything you can say, I need.


Thank you for the reply.



From him to me:


I am still in love with you, and I do think that someday when things are different we could get back together, But, it's not what my goal is through figuring myself out. I told you that at this point in my life I need to be for myself, to find myself, and I'm sorry if it hurts but it's not for anyone else but me. If you and I were to remain friends, and then things end up working out to be more, that is something I would want, but I'm not thinking about that now because thinking about trying to make things work with us is what was causing the problem while we were together. Does that make sense? I hope this doesn't sound harsh, i don't mean for it to. If what I said makes you feel like you can't be my friend you need to tell me so that I know not to push it.


From me to him:


No. That's what I needed to know. It makes sense. This is for us to find ourselves for ourselves, that is the whole point. That is fine with me, that's how it needs to be. I just wanted to know 100% where you stand--I didn't want to feel like I was hanging on to something that wasn't even there. It's not harsh. We can be friends, it will just be hard not being who we used to be around each other, that's what makes it so hard to gauge how well I can handle just being friends right now. But I want to be friends. I want you in my life still, especially since I hope that we can give this another shot when the timing is right and we are who we need to be for one another. But mainly because you're an important part of my life. I've never had anything like this and I'm reluctant to let any part of it go.


I've started seeing a school counselor, just to talk about things and see what holds me back from, well, people sometimes. She's kind of just coaching me through the break-up right now, but hopefully if something comes up that she thinks is worth working on, we'll talk about it. I'm not sure if that sets your mind at ease or not, but I guess I just wanted to let you know I'm being proactive in this. I figured I should talk to some who isn't bias about the whole situation, or me. By the way, when I said I was about to have a nervous breakdown, I just meant I was going to cry a whole lot. I'm not going to be trying to kill myself or anything, I promise. I mean, I love you and everything, but geez. I wanted to clear that up. My word choice wasn't the best.


I'd like more updates than what Facebook tells me (that part has been sucking, by the way). It's weird not talking to you everyday. Even if it's just a short AIM convo or message every few days for right now. I don't mean, like, in depth details, just tell me how things are going, how Einstein (his dog) is, your move, your job, your parents, etc. Just whenever you're ready and only as often you'd like.


Thank you for the reply. Tell everyone I say hi, have fun at your brother's birthday, and get a hold of me whenever you feel ready to, or I will when I'm ready.




Sorry it's long. Just need my ENAers to get me through this.

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I think if you give him time to find himself by himself there may be a chance. Just work on yourself and focus on that. If he does come back and has gotten stronger and you have not focused on making yourself happy it will not work. Be strong. Do not contact him. You let him know the way you feel and he knows how to reach you. But do not wait around, have fun

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I think you shouldn't regret anything you've said, simply because it is done now. You asked for some information, he gave it - now I think a period of silence is necessary for you to both start doing the work you both say you need to do. If you keep going back with 'one more thing...' it will start to look desperate, which is a big no-no in my book...

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Well, he IMed me this morning and wished me a Happy 4th. I wished it back, thinking that would be the end of the convo, but then he continued to talk about what he did last night. I asked about some things--his move, his job, his plans for the weekend. And then it kind of got to where I couldn't take it anymore. Because everything he was saying didn't involve me anymore and it was a lot to handle. He was going to the lake with some people or was going to invite people over to grill, and I wasn't one of those people. It was a lot to handle, so I told I had to sign off and get ready for the day.


I don't have the strength to do NC right now. I wish I did, I want to, but it's so hard for two main reasons:

1. Part of the reasons we broke up was his drinking was becoming a problem and he needed to get a handle on it. The bad thing is, I'm really the only person in his life that could be his anchor in trying to cut back. He says he wants to, has wanted to for a while, but he just won't do it. I think part of our break-up was him getting rid of his guilt. But now I worry about him constantly, I feel like if I'm not able to check up on him or be around him, something awful will happen. I want to trust he'll take care of himself, but it's hard.

2. He says he's in love with me, I believe him. He doesn't have any plan to date around or even hook up, he made that clear to me during the break-up. But what if, because of his drinking, he does do something stupid? I would hate him. I honestly would. I know that I don't have any right, he's single now, but you can't do that to someone you say you love. So I also feel like I need to stay close so he doesn't wander.


I know it doesn't all make complete sense. But I'm also still in my mourning period, the break-up is still very new, so I'm kind of in my desperate stage. I know if I make myself more scarce it could allow him to actually miss me, but right now I can't stand the idea of it back-firing.


Everything all of you has said makes sense. I know that I seem a little desperate right now, and I hate it. I'll be as strong as I can. Thank you for your input. I'll just avoid being the one who initiates contact and be very LC right now until I gain the courage to do go NC.

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I think if you are "there for him", you will ruin, or significantly lower your chances for reconsiliation in the future. You have all the ansers you need right now, and saying anything more will push the relationship apart.


He is IN LOVE with YOU, but he needs time. He needs time to MISS you. He needs time to WANT you. He needs time to CHASE you. (NO- He wont just forget you!!!!!!)


If you remain in contact, he will not get that time. and that is a bad thing.


He has set the ground rules, and you dont need to say anything more.


Take the Super Dave challenege, and go 30 days with NO contact, and watch what happens!



Otherwise, Im afraid you will be on here for a long time, not getting what you want, and not getting on with your life. None of us are strong enough to do it, but we do. Im on day 7. Hard? YES Worth it. YES!

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I thought about taking the challenge, though I'm not sure I can make it the whole month. I might be able to wean myself (maybe start with two weeks and work from there), but I've barely made it the five days since we broke up. I didn't even make it the five days! Thank you for your reply. I just need to stop over-thinking it all. I have no control at this point other than what I can do for myself.


However, I just told him we can be friends and he's already taking those steps. What do I when he just contacts me to update me, like I asked him to do? Do I just ignore him? Or do I tell him I'm not sure I'm ready to be friends just yet and then go from there? I told him we could be friends. It feels wrong going back on my word.


Thank you, all of you, for your advice. Sorry I'm being stubborn in some areas. I'm trying, I really am.

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The bad thing is, I'm really the only person in his life that could be his anchor in trying to cut back. He says he wants to, has wanted to for a while, but he just won't do it.



Hmm. As a person who has lived with someone with a drinking problem this is setting all sorts of alarm bells off! Basically the only person who can change this behaviour is the person with the problem. And unfortunately, sometimes the booze wins over the relationship. It's an illness and sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they really consider getting help. And when that time comes it's best left to the professionals. Sorry, i don't mean to belittle your efforts to help him but you must realise the only person that can change his behaviour is him, and then he has to want to - and it doesn't sound like he really does want to. Not right now.


As for the NC, i didn't manage it either. I tried, but the first couple of weeks were a nightmare, ringing him and crying down the phone etc. I don't regret doing that because I was upset and he was kind (but distant).


However, I wish I had not tried to be so 'friendly' with my ex as when he started moving on without me, (he is now seeing someone else, 2 months after coming out of our 5 year relationship) it hurt more to think I had been hanging around cheerfully trying to include him in things when he just wasn't interested. So don't beat yourself up about it, but do consider doing as much NC as possible and focus on your life, and what you can do to make you feel better.

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He was doing really well when school was in session, that's when things were the best between us. Once summer hit, he started going back to drinking. He's not an alcoholic--I've research and everything---but he is bordering on alcohol abuse. He was never unkind or bad to me when he drank, so that was never something to worry about it. I just know that he's not happy, he's expressed this, and he thinks drinking will fix it. He has this overwhelming urge to prove himself so he drinks a lot because that's what everyone else is doing. So when I say the fact that he is surrounding himself with these people is part if the problem, I truly think it is. I don't think he would drink as much if he weren't so easily influenced by others. But it is his own problem to fix, it's not something anyone else can change but him. I just wanted to explain some things.


I will not be able to be his friend if he moves on anytime soon--anytime soon being in the next few months. I've chosen to be his friend now because I want a future with him when the timing is better and he's fixed what he needs to fix. But I can't watch him be with someone else. I just can't.


I'm going to stick with LC right now, but it will be close to NC in that I will not contact him first unless it's an emergency. If he contacts me, I will be friendly but I won't go out of my way. I'll try not to anyway. If talking to him online was this painful, I think it will be a while before I can go beyond that. I just kind of wish he was hurting as much as me . . .

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