oh what to do, what to do?

[sine]

so here's my little tale o' woe:

 

so i was in a relationship for roughly three years which ended in th beginning of last month. there's an age discrepancy of about 7 years (she being younger than me), but it wasn't an impediment. my belief was that it wasn't really meant to last, but i went with it & fell for her madly.

 

then she went abroad for four months, and the trip didn't go as i had expected. we were supposed to meet up at the end of her trip but she was distant when we did contact, and i later found out that she had hooked up with someone while away, which shook my trust. we had a hard transition when she got back, but we did eventually right the ship. admittedly i was scarred by being in limbo & learning of the affair, and it did instill trust issues with her that had lingered, despite my love for her.

 

when she started talking about traveling again, it brought up a lot of feelings stemming from the last trip. i started getting distant. when this happened, she started to move in more. in fact, she changed because of my distance & our relationship improved to the point that she said she want us to get a place together.

 

i had been going thru a really hard time when this came up (my friend was diagnosed with a life threatening disease, was about to lose me job due to a company buyout amongst others.) i told her that we need to wait a few months for my stuff to sort out. really, my gut told me that she should move out on her own & get established in her life so we could be on the same page.

 

if you can't guess, this is a hard conversation to have. so i said very little about it, and i didn't want to hurt her but i feel like my silence did.

 

she basically decided to move out on her own, but in a very rocky fashion which was hard for me. because of the way it went, i said we should take a break so she can sort out her life & figure out what she wanted to do. if anything, i was saying that i wanted her to have to opportunity to grow, but i think she felt like i was abandoning her. a few days later, she decided to break it off & and subsequently started a relationship with another man a few weeks before she moved out of my apt, which i didn't find out about until nearly a few weeks after she left on my birthday.

 

i've been in no contact since i found out about the new guy & haven't spoken in almost three weeks. i really love her, but i feel like i really hurt her and feel responsible for it. and then she hurt me when she started dating the other guy immediately. she called me on my birthday, but i had just found out about the other guy & didn't speak to her for a few days following, which i'm sure hurt her more.

 

so, i don't know what to do. i'm going on with my life-i have a move coming up, a five day hiking trip, a new kitten, i'm going out a lot and having a nice life on my own.

 

i've partially talked about this with her, but after the other man came in, i just haven't been able to speak to her. so do i keep silent & initiate LC soon? do i just admit fault? do i want until the rebound guy is gone? i love her & feel horrible about this.

 

plz help. sorry for the length

[Imprecision]

She doesn't sound like a good woman. A good woman should have a sense of loyalty.

 

As soon as her current relationship breaks off, she'll look for you. On that day, tell her, "I told you so."

[sine]

i know. she has to make changes in her life...i can't wait for that per se...she brought it up with me, in fact, that she's got to focus on getting herself where she needs to be. but i don't know if that's bs in the light of not telling me about here & the new dude.

 

i think the hard part that i'm having right now is that i feel really responsible for not communicating what i needed to communicate with her. oftentimes we'd talk about 'issues'-things we'd need to speak about, and she'd end up getting angry at me, or she'd go for her stuff & say, 'that's it-i'm out of here.'

 

it made it so hard to speak, but the point i'm coming to is that you have to be brave enough to speak about what is in your heart, even if it isn't going to make the other person happy. this much i have learned.

 

so the hard part is now in NC, i'm doing what i did before-that is-not talking. i feel like i should be talking.

 

i felt like i shut her out completely. we were 'roommates'-we stopped having sex (for the most part), there wasn't any intimacy, and i feel like this is my fault-that i didn't open up to her the way i needed to about my feelings. and that's what kills.

 

i have no idea if she's still with the other guy-i said to her verbatim in the last email she sent me inviting me to dinner:

 

"either way, i really appreciate wanting to get together for dinner. i really want to, but i understand you're seeing someone else right now, and that complicates things emotionally for me. so i hope you understand where i'm coming from on it."

 

so?

[sine]

day 13 of no contact.

 

today has been rough as i woke up with her in my head at 7 am this morning (didn't have to wake until 9).

 

but last nite was about understanding-lots of understanding. i was speaking with a friend of mine about some of the stuff i've been through with her, and i'll share it here.

 

when we first met, i got her pregnant (after two months of dating). we decided it was best not to keep the child, as difficult as it was. but we were still madly in love with each other, and we managed to go by it. but we never really got into the ramifications. obviously the way that people deal with those sorts of things is very different-i saw it as an imperative-it had to be done, neither of us could support a child or afford to go through the process of birth. as a man, i think i compartmentalized it.

 

i know it impacted her so much more, because it was she who went through the process. i was there with her for the entire thing-chemical abortion to be specific (don't mean to give TMI). i went with her to the clinic & took care of her through the entire process, but i know it hurt her so much more. it killed her innocence, and when she went away to thailand for her trip, it really affected her when she came back, so she said. i'd suggested that she go speak to someone about it, but it never happened on her end because of pride.

 

now i feel it so much, in ways that i hadn't before. i really have been dealing with this more than i thought i would. it makes me feel awful that i couldn't give her the support she needed in some ways, or that she couldn't get help.

 

i think about all the ramifications that have come from this one incident-when she found out, she was at said friend's house with other mutual friends (whom i was talking about this with). subsequently, after the abortion, she started to lose a lot of our mutual friends, and i feel like so much of that now was because of the abortion, her embarrassment, her shame, the fact that she was afraid to have sex when she came back...and it makes me so sad to feel this.

 

i can't help anyone who doesn't want help, but as i go through i see the signs of this action and how it made her want to run. these are the moment s that i want to tell her how sorry i am for the way i dealt with this.

 

i can't - i won't contact her. just because of the way things are now, with another man in the picture. but i can't tell you how sad this makes me feel, and how much regret i have from the way i dealt with this. ungh.

 

so that's me being honest. i guess this is part of the process?

[IMAbadman]

Quit counting. You're only prolonging the pain. You need to let go.