My long and curious break-up story, and a question to you...

[Shadowboxer]

Hello all,

 

I'm new to this forum, and after a random google search and reading some very interesting threads with seemingly quite self-aware individuals, here I am with my first post, as much an unplanned event as the story I want to relate to you here in text.

 

I've been in pieces for the past three weeks. Three weeks ago, I abruptly initiated a breakup of what felt/feels very much like a true first love, some type of love that approaches story-fiction levels of gaga-ness. It had lasted almost three months. The relationship itself was a degree of connection I'd never experienced before; not only did we have the same interests and a lot of similar personality dispositions, but within a VERY short period of time we couldn't not be together, we thought of each other all the time, just departing was hard. I've been in various relationships over the years (ranging from 6 months to 4 years), and as I live in NYC, probably dozens of dates in the last couple of years, and nothing came close to this. I'm 29, she's 33.

 

The stitching came unraveled 'slowly, then suddenly'. I have trust issues. She provided trust factors. The two were a combination that was unhealthy to me. I tried hard to trust her, and I hid a lot of the pain from her since I wasn't sure if I should be confident of my observations. But there were many red flags. The most egregious: she had ended a 7 year relationship with an ex (who lives in Europe) about 7 months prior, and he texted, called all the time (once, 17 voicemails in a ROW, another time I got woken up by a text at 5, and that's a tiny fraction). She claimed she never responded. Red flag: she maintained this theme, when we first started going out, about my asking too many questions, and said, notice how she never asks me. Red flag: guy she had a fling with a week before me texts her at midnight out of the blue two months into our relationship (and she got mad at me when I grew cold). Red flag: she gave me a 'heads-up' that she would go out maybe once or twice a week at certain networking events with her friends, but that I 'couldn't go'. They were only just after work, she said. Other red flags: almost exclusively guy friends, and she was waiting for two of those guys (both single) to liberate their roommates so she could move in with them (two different apartments, whichever opened up first). Another red flag: two of her guy friends (not the apt guys) actually liked her (she only mentioned 2, maybe it was 10 that liked her).

 

There were some more red flags of that nature. And it was creeping up on me despite myself. I've broken up for far, far less, but what was different this time was she showed some semblance of trying to assure me (for example, telling me what she did if she went out even when I didn't ask), and we spent at least 4 days a week together, if not more, so she really didn't have time to go out anyway. Finally I wasn't entirely sure that I should trust my observations, since I do have trust issues. And we talked about a future, and it really did seem like she did truly love me.

 

The way it unraveled was, she went to the doctor, both to pick up some birth control pills and to get a routine STD test done (which I pushed, incidentally). On the day of the test result, I was already ready to have a serious talk with her about the issues, and take the risk it might be over. For one week I was repeating in my mind what I was going to say. I was going to wait til she says the test is fine, and then I would be like, great, now let's talk.

 

Except it didn't happen like that. She revealed there was a 'problem' and when I took a look at the test results, my eyes almost popped out of my head when I saw 'positive' for hsv2 (gen herpes). I panicked, and in a terribly frenzied, and rather cold way, told her, look, I was going to break up with you anyway, so just give me my keys and get out of here. I ran, dumped all her clothing and stuff haphazardly into a bag and sent her on her way. She began to freak out. I was in a state; I was nauseous, on the verge of what I guess was a panic attack. I tossed her out like a dog, which 5 seconds after I did it felt absolutely horrible about.

 

This is getting too long, and it's unpleasant to talk about. To try to summarize: she went on vacation for a week two days later (pre-scheduled, with her friend). It was the most painful week of my life, wondering what I had done, ruining a possible future over trust issues, wondering whether I had caught the virus (today, based on tests, I probably didn't, but I'll know for sure in five weeks). I tried calling and texting but she ignored me, except for a long e-mail assuring me that she's doing great, that others didn't reject her, and that hsv2 is nothing anyway. She reminded me that she's got tons of people supporting her. She called me the day she got back, with a very strange tone, she wouldn't let me hang up the phone, she was interrogating to find out whether I still liked her, she suggested we meet up for a drink, that I shouldn't mail her things that she left, instead give them to her in person. I used the opportunity to explain for 45 minutes why I couldn't trust her, and how these red flags were unacceptable to me. She said, 'There's some truth in what you say, but I never cheated on you' and 'you don't know me' (that's the only response I ever got on that topic.) and 'anyway I just want to be friends, nothing more'. BTW, she also revealed she had some contact with the ex, which means she lied. The ex flew here while she was on vacation (it's unclear whether he saw her on vacation or came here and missed her). And that's impossible unless they had had contact.

 

I never gave her her things and never met up for a drink. I ignored her final text, and Sunday she texted me her address with (in English, and we usually don't talk in English): 'Please mail me my stuff asap to: blah'. I mailed them two days ago.

 

I think about her every day, I feel terrible, I have dreams of her every single night, and it's been three weeks. I'm depressed and anxious, I check my phone constantly for texts. I never text or call her though. My delusionary gamble: if she a) contacts me, and b) recognizes and explains her behavior and shows that she understands, then maybe I'd be together with her again. And take the risk of this disease because I love her. But I hope she doesn't do all this because I won't be able to resist, and I might yet re-involve myself in this hairshirt relationship.

 

I'd like to ask you all your views (based on this terse explanation):

 

-- Was she on the rebound? She REALLY seemed to be in love with me. I don't think she's a phenomenal actress, either.

-- Why did she want so badly to preserve her freedom to be courted by guys? She's insecure, but she HAD a guy, and one who was dedicated to her. When I met her, I ended contact with other girls, I tossed numbers I had gotten. Why couldn't she do the same thing (even though I never asked her to)?

-- Is it possible she was in a co-dependent relationship with the 7-yr ex? How can a guy leave 17 voicemails in a row, and call and text DAILY, without him thinking that he has a shot? And how normal can this girl be to have stayed with this guy for so long (and they broke up a few times before that, supposedly, when she was seeing other people).

 

Sigh. Reading my own message makes me shake my head at myself (and at Fate).

 

-- Shadow

[dreamwarrior]

My friend so sorry to hear about your dilemma...if I live to be 100 years old never will I understand relationships and/or love.

 

I don't think it's a very nice thing for a person to have so many opposite sex interests when they are involved with another person. Don't get me wrong I think it's okay for people to be able to talk with someone without instant suspicion. I am loyal to the bone, but I talk with alot of guys daily. But, but, and but it's at my job, never does a man call up my home at those hours of the night and never would an ex call me when I am with someone else...way uncool.

 

STD's...........oh hot topic....did she have it before you met her?? If she got before then nothing you can do about it....just accept it as such...we all have a past, and do be very careful....people get STD's because they are not careful. My ex has HIV, but he got it from using IV drugs....I always use condoms...never risk your health for any reason. Thank goodness I have a clean bill of health and have proof to show my next bf.

 

Being tested for any STD is very painful (waiting on results) and I don't want to go through that again...also my doctor is the same doctor as my ex bf so he knows of his condition. We cannot help who we love...it just happens...read my thread called a Cinderella story so you will get an idea of what happened to me.

 

My ex is still in the picture we are friends, but it's hard because I don't know what the future holds for us. I cannot live the life of a drug addict when I never used drugs and always been clean and sober. Needless to say it's a hard life to be with that type of person...it will drag you down in the depths of hell...and the people that addicts surround themselves with and the drama is just to much.

 

Have you ever known anyone who was some type of addict?? Lord it's hell on earth. That is one of the reason I had to break away from this guy and it hurt like the devil because he was my first love....I had been with plenty of guys before in my life, but none of them were able to get inside my heart. I understand your ga ga fairytale story. We were like Romeo and Juliet, in which, it ended before it ever began.

 

This tale of woe could go on for a long time...there is alot to this story, but I am sure your not interested in it....but, do know this my friend...you are not alone just as this site states....headaches, heartaches, grief, etc...everyone on here has experienced something of this nature.

 

It's a struggle day by day to understand what is going on in the minds of these people that we love, but my true words of wisdom are we can only depend and think for ourselves. We have no control over what other people do, think, or say....and once we remind ourselves of this then it is easier to accept things.

 

At the present time my main concern is to improve myself on every level and keep my options open, in case I may like someone new. I cannot wait around my whole life for my ex to start becoming a man, and responsible person....he is so immature it makes me sick...I told him before I am tired of dealing with a man who acts 14 years old...so very unattractive to me.

 

PM me anytime...good luck

[lostandhurt]

shadow,

I think you should trust you gut on this one. What has changed from the time you were going to have the talk? Nothing! She wasn't right for you and it sounds like you are missing her more than paying attention to what you know to be true. Be honest with yourself. As I see it, the relationship lasted longer than it should have as you ignored many things (red flags) to stay with her. It might not have ended very well but you can't undue what has been done. Time to decide if you are going to try and start healing or stay stuck where you are. I wish you the best.

 

lost