you tell me: settle or be alone?

[Gratsy]

Should I be alone or should I settle? I guess you could ask this question about all relationships...but there is someone who really is available to hang out a lot to do things but her personality isn't the type that I like to be around as much...she's critical and its something I've told her before and I doubt that she'll change. She's socially impaired...she was not raised in a normal environment. Yet, she is the one who is available. I just went through a break up and I really need to just socialize and keep myself out there. Am I doing the right thing or should I just stay away?

[ImThatGirl]

Don't settle. If she doesn't make you happy, don't be with her. It's not fair to either of you.

[SapphireNoir10]

Dont settle or you'll end up resenting her, she deserves someone who loves her more than anything as do you

[j0shua]

if its just as friends, than you should expand your social circle as much as possible, so include her maybe as an acquaintance? however if her personality is really draining and her outlook too negative, you would probably be best served keeping your distance.

[CallingAllAngels]

Never EVER settle. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

[Lana0120]

It sounds like you're looking at this person's flaws rather than their attributes, so you should definitely not settle for a relationship with this person.

[StretchGee]

Never EVER settle. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

 

I agree...sort of.

 

It sounds like you're looking at this person's flaws rather than their attributes, so you should definitely not settle for a relationship with this person.

 

Everyone has flaws...unless you marry god (and that is an option ).

 

So find them now or find them later or learn to live with them. In some way we all settle, no? Anyone on this board have the perfect spouse/partner?

 

Or do we come to the point where we move from 'acceptance' to 'settling', then the issue is really in our own minds.

 

That said, for the OP if you have serious personality conflicts then do not settle. Or at least wait around without any commitment until you can be sure you can accept those flaws you find...unsettling.

[amtjrtcet]

Don't settle. If you settle you'll never truly be happy.

 

"Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less......than butterflies..."~S.A.T.C.

 

I want butterflies.

[Lana0120]

Everyone has flaws, but it was interesting to me that the emphasis seemed to be on the flaws. I've read posts where people have said they've met a wonderful girl/guy who is just not quite right for them, so they are not sure whether to settle or risk something else. Here, there seems to be a very serious lack of enthusiasm. If you see someone's flaws as outweighing their attributes, there is no point in being with that person.

[StretchGee]

Don't settle. If you settle you'll never truly be happy.

 

If you believe happiness comes from somewhere outside your self, you will never truly be happy.

[CallingAllAngels]

If you believe happiness comes from somewhere outside your self, you will never truly be happy.

 

I agree with you on this point. But I don't think you should settle for someone. I did and it didn't work for me.

[amtjrtcet]

If you believe happiness comes from somewhere outside your self, you will never truly be happy.

 

I agree....I wouldn't settle for anything though. A crappy job, a bad relationship, a bad friendship.....you make your own fate. I agree you have to be happy with yourself to truly be happy, but I also believe you can find that happieness with in yourself by making the most of your life.

[meinreallife]

Don't settle.

 

I agree with the "happy comes from inside" theme, but if you settle "unhappy" can come from the outside real easy. There are wonderful people out there, millions of them. Don't settle

[StretchGee]

I agree with you on this point. But I don't think you should settle for someone. I did and it didn't work for me.

 

I agree....I wouldn't settle for anything though. A crappy job, a bad relationship.....you make your own fate. I agree you have to be happy with yourself to truly be happy, but I also believe you can find that happieness with in yourself by making the most of your life.

 

Personally, I am trying to move to acceptance and get there most days. Sometimes I feel I settled 'just to get on with it'. That I tried to make my own fate.

 

If you feel you are settling, then don't do it. If you feel you are accepting, then dive in and make the most of it. But in either case it is all you.

 

"It's not having what you want; It's wanting what you've got." - CC

 

Again, platitudes are easy, real life is a bit tougher to swallow. But the choice is still yours and if you believe it is settling, then don't do it. But do temper that decision with the fact that you will not find perfection outside of your self.

[StretchGee]

Should I be alone or should I settle? I guess you could ask this question about all relationships...but there is someone who really is available to hang out a lot to do things but her personality isn't the type that I like to be around as much...she's critical and its something I've told her before and I doubt that she'll change. She's socially impaired...she was not raised in a normal environment. Yet, she is the one who is available. I just went through a break up and I really need to just socialize and keep myself out there. Am I doing the right thing or should I just stay away?

 

Gratsy, are you rebounding? Conventional wisdom holds...stay single for a time and just get out there and have fun.

 

You can settle once you're settled.

[ycmanvs]

It sounds like you are looking for some companionship to help you stay busy. Even though this woman may not be the ideal friend, she may help you keep your mind off the ex. It is a cost benefit analysis...does her negativity outweigh her benefit?

[Gratsy]

Thing is, its just a friendship...I'm heterosexual, and its not a romantic relationship. Sometimes I don't have anyone to hang out with...and my alternative is to stay at home and, literally, cry. If I go out, at least I'm doing something. Thing is, when I go with her, I know I'm going to have to endure parts of her personality that I really don't like...such as her criticism and irrational reactions. I know its just her because I have other friends that I find infinitely more tolerable. Her good points are that she makes herself available and that she likes to go to fun places. If you think I shouldn't settle, what are your reasons? If I don't settle: then what is the solution to my loneliness?

 

Gratsy, are you rebounding? Conventional wisdom holds...stay single for a time and just get out there and have fun.

 

You can settle once you're settled.

 

Not really rebounding since it isn't a romantic...but thats what I'm trying to do...go out and have fun...good point though, having fun doesn't equate settling. ANd I liked your point about acceptance versus viewing it as settling.

 

It sounds like you are looking for some companionship to help you stay busy. Even though this woman may not be the ideal friend, she may help you keep your mind off the ex. It is a cost benefit analysis...does her negativity outweigh her benefit?

 

You hit it on the nail. I'm trying to figure out if it does or not...probably it doesn't because she takes me to fun places which is better than sitting at home doing nothing and thinking about my breakup. Even if at times I have to tolerate her scathing, unfounded criticisms.

[ycmanvs]

I know what it is like to have friends like that, but sometimes acceptance is the only way to go. If I am feeling very low and I cannot be alone, I'd rather be with someone that is annoying, than be by myself, depressed, in bed, etc.

You have to take people as they are. If there is something about them that bothers you, you have to be able to tolerate it and perhaps, let them know how you feel.

When you choose to hang out with another person, you have to take the good with the bad. They may just surprise you.

[Gratsy]

I know what it is like to have friends like that, but sometimes acceptance is the only way to go. If I am feeling very low and I cannot be alone, I'd rather be with someone that is annoying, than be by myself, depressed, in bed, etc.

You have to take people as they are. If there is something about them that bothers you, you have to be able to tolerate it and perhaps, let them know how you feel.

When you choose to hang out with another person, you have to take the good with the bad. They may just surprise you.

 

 

In this case, you may be right. I am also ignoring her positive attributes. She has a good sense of humor and so on...but I really tend to hate critical attitudes of all the things I hate. She's not my first choice when it comes to hanging out...but she can still be a choice over staying at home alone.

[StretchGee]

Thing is, its just a friendship...I'm heterosexual, and its not a romantic relationship. Sometimes I don't have anyone to hang out with...and my alternative is to stay at home and, literally, cry. If I go out, at least I'm doing something. Thing is, when I go with her, I know I'm going to have to endure parts of her personality that I really don't like...such as her criticism and irrational reactions. I know its just her because I have other friends that I find infinitely more tolerable. Her good points are that she makes herself available and that she likes to go to fun places. If you think I shouldn't settle, what are your reasons? If I don't settle: then what is the solution to my loneliness?

 

I would not call it settling at all with regard to a friendship. Perhaps if she is your only friend, but that is not the case.

 

"tolerate" and "endure"...well there is another pair of words to mince!

 

I have a friend I value very much that has a character flaw, IMHO. Not so much "scathing, unfounded criticisms", but my friend has a control-freak streak and a sharp tongue at times. What I have found myself doing is not only enduring the quirk but teasing over it and even instigating. I think of this annoying trait more as a spice to the relationship. It may annoy me, but even the negative traits help enhance a relationship away for the comfort of sameness.

 

So if as you said the benefits outweigh the negatives, then keep it up. Maybe it is her annoying characteristic that helps with the distraction factor more than anything. I do not see any harm in keeping things going as it is simply a friendship.

 

Good luck moving from 'enduring' to 'tolerating' (and then maybe onto 'instigating' ).