The "EX" File.

[spartacat]

there,

 

I'm in a long distance relationship which started out a bit rocky but has since improved dramatically. We met 6 months ago, had a 6 hour long conversation and each became interested immediately. He lives only 2 hours away, which logically seems so do-able. He came down once back in March for a weekend, which we spent the entirety in bed truly connecting (we didnt even have sex!). Theres just something about his personality, a really special person in my eyes. Since then, we were on and off a bit but have recently decided to give this another try as we both feel it could be something worth-while.

 

He'll be here in a few days and we plan to really talk a lot and figure out what we're both after, hopefully together. My only problem though, I'm extremely jealous. He's only ever been in one serious relationship which lasted 3 years, been apart for about a year now, however, they're best friends! By best friends, I mean they hangout every other day. I find this odd. My friends find this odd and my family also finds this odd. I love the idea of remaining friend with an ex... but I feel like its too much.

 

I clearly cant pick and choose his friends, will not even attempt. But now im wondering... will this eat inside at me forever? Will the jealousy go away? As is, he should be here in a few days and everytime i read a post on his wall (facebook) from the Ex, I'm about 2 seconds away from calling the weekend off (I wouldnt actually). I dont know if Im able to handle this Ex situation and I dont know if its worth testing. I can honestly say, I think I could really love this guy, which is why Im having such a hard time dealing with the Ex.

 

Anyone have any tips? Advice? suggestions? Anything?

 

Thanks!

 

[Darkness_Falls]

Hi there, I've been in this situation before, however, I was the ex who was the best friend. Me and my ex were together for 3.5 years and broke up because we had become friends instead of lovers. We decided to remain good friends though and move out our flat and into a flat with mutual friends. Yes, I lived with him. We hungout whenever, watched movies etc, but as friends and nothing else. I know this situation seems weird to a lot of people and some can't handle it, I do understand why. Anyway, we both moved on and found new partners and in the start it was fine. But my ex's new gf was very jealous and insecure and has since managed to cut me out of his life. My new boyfriend (been together 11 months now) had no problem with my friendship with my ex, and gets on well with him.

 

So my advice to you is this: talk to your potential boyfriend, ask about his relationship with her and if there is ever a chance of them getting back together, because you definitely don't want that! Sometimes the imagination is worse than reality, so you are thinking of this ex being perfect probably and them having cosy nights in together and stuff when in reality, they probably do just act like friends. You may find that if you get to know her, you will like her.

 

Obviously it is a weird situation for many but as long as your boyfriend is completely honest with you I think you should at least test the waters.

[spartacat]

Thanks for the sound advice. I know my imagination run's me right off the map sometimes and I'm trying hard not to let it ruin something that I feel could potentially be great. I would never cut anyone out of his life... I think by making a choice to get involved with him, I agree to take it all as it is. I just feel so uncomfortable with the things he says sometimes, in regard to the ex. The fact that they went on a road trip to Florida together for a week (This was way earlier before I was really interested)...

 

I dont know, I wish they were just friends, not best friends. I suppose I could get to know the ex and see how they are as friends.

[correspondent08]

I think its very normal to be suspicious of the friendly X. If the guy says its his X, then you have to figure that it is 90% over between him and her, but people hang on to things for reasons. Having a steady X to hang around with can make being single a lot easier, if you find somebody new, you don't have to dump your steady X, because you've already dumped them long ago... the steady X doesn't take the role of the full fledge gf, maybe there is no sex and this is what makes him say she is an X, but maybe there is a really good emotional connection there that he isn't willing to give up.

 

A lot of people burn bridges with their Xs specifically because what made their relationship fall apart was too painful and not something they want to re-experience. When people don't do this, there has to be some reason.

 

Maybe the X really is harmless. Maybe he and the X share some limited amount of emotional intimacy and that is something you can live with. But, if you are experiencing fears about it I suspect that either a) maybe this guy and his X are a little too cosy for your comfort, or b) maybe this guy is lying to himself about how attached he still is to the X and how available he actually is to you. Its a tough call which you will need to make.

 

If you can all sit down and have dinner together and nobody gets a weird upset stomach then I'd say it is okay. If you can see friendship between him and the X, but there are some obvious cracks or points of bad chemistry, then it might be what he says it is. I'd make this assessment sooner rather than later. If its clear to you that the X isn't holding onto a piece of this guy that you want, then there is no problem. If the X tells you there is nothing going on, and the new guy tells you there is nothing going on, and your gut tells you to run for the hills, follow your gut.

 

Good Luck