lap dances....

[lollipop182]

My boyfriend of a couple of years got into an argument yesterday, and decided to do separate things for the night. He told me when I called him today that he went to the strip club last night. We had had a discussion regarding this topic before, that I do not approve of strip clubs and him going there. I was pretty mad over this fact that he went with a friend, and then he told me that he got a lap dance. This made me so upset! It would be one thing for him to have a couple of beers and check out the girls, however He went out of his way to get a lap dance and paid for it. I am so angry, and quite surprised at how angry I am. To top it off the main reason he told me about all of this is because he saw someone I knew there, and was probably afraid they would tell me.

I feel like I dont trust him, and I honestly feel pretty disgusted that my guy would have to turn to another women and PAY for sexual stimulation. Actually makes me sick to my stomach. Call me insecure, or whatever but I feel pretty strongly on this topic. I am very hurt by this, and not sure if I am overreacting because I decided to cool it with him for awhile so I can think. Obviously it is not just the issue of the lap dance, but the trust and disrespect that he displayed by doing this. I feel like I am not enough for him if he had to seek that out, and he blatantly disrespected our relationship.

He definitely regrets it, however I am still seeing red and not about to forgive him. I know and understand that guys will always be turned on by other women and fantasize, I have no problem with him looking at pornography or even checking out other girls (discreetly however I have a huge problem with a naked chick rubbing all over him and him getting turned on by it. My issue is that it is borderline cheating, and just because you pay for it doesn't mean it's ok. Crosses the line for me.

Am I overreacting and blowing this out of proportion?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't think that you are over reacting, he broke a promise. That's a big thing.

 

What did he expect you to do?

 

I would ask him what he really wants out of the relationship. If a promise like that is broken, what other things will he promise and not honor?

 

Why did he go there? What was his reason for feeling the promise he made to you was so unimportant?

[scared and alone]

oh HELL no. i'd KILL my boyfriend. he 'claims' to not even be into strip clubs, but even if he was, yeah, id kill him for going. thats a no no. ESPECIALLY getting a lap dance. um. NO.

[lollipop182]

He's pretty regretful but he says that there is no reason why he did it. Why do guys always say this. His attitude is kind of like, oh i messed up there is nothing I can do now, Im sorry.. blah blah blah. To me actions speak louder than words and his actions said a lot to me. I know this sounds immature and childish, but this is almost like a dealbreaker for me. I don't date guys that do that because I am against it, and I just didn't think he was one of those guys....

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I honestly do not think you are over reacting at all. You have clearly told him before that you don't like him going to strip clubs. Now the going there although it was behind your back wouldn't be too bad, but to pay for a lap dance.. I agree that it is borderline cheating.

 

But what you do is up to you. If he honestly does feel guilty for what his done thats a good start. But whether or not you trust him is up to you. Don't let people tell you that what your feeling is silly. We cannot control how we feel and when we will get hurt. And the fact is he knew it would upset you otherwise he wouldn't have called to tell you.

[djsh4dow]

I think you have a right to be upset, since you already discussed it with him and expressed your disapproval! When you discussed it with him before, was there any consensus on whether he would (be able to) go or not? I can understand you being upset about the lap dance. I know I would feel the same way. Anyway, why couldn't he just get a lap dance from you instead?

[djsh4dow]

He's pretty regretful but he says that there is no reason why he did it. Why do guys always say this. His attitude is kind of like, oh i messed up there is nothing I can do now, Im sorry.. blah blah blah. To me actions speak louder than words and his actions said a lot to me. I know this sounds immature and childish, but this is almost like a dealbreaker for me. I don't date guys that do that because I am against it, and I just didn't think he was one of those guys....

 

It's not immature! Everyone has their "rules." You're absolutely right - actions do speak louder than words. He can't just be accountable - his actions need to show that he is considering your feelings.

[lollipop182]

We actually had a fight about it already because it came up he went one time, he told me awhile later and I very clearly told him I do not like that, and he said he would not go because he doesn't care for it that much. I could very easily forgiven him if he just went there for a drink or two, but now all I can think about is a stripper all up on him and him liking it.

Im not sure why he did it, we hadn't seen each other in awhile, and you would have thought he would have missed me, and just wanted some action from me!

Never thought I would get this upset over it, however it makes me feel insignificant and unattractive, even though I know I am not.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

If it upsets you your feelings are legitimate. Many women I know feel the same way and as you.

 

If your guy knew how you felt and went and did it anyway, you have to decide where you are willing to draw the line- if this is something that is not acceptable to you, maybe you need to re-evaluate if this relationship is the right one for you.

 

I don't think there is a universal code about this sort of behavior, but a general rule is if a couple has discussed this sort of thing and he knew it would upset you did it anyway, that is grounds to make a decision if you want to stay in a relationship where someone disrespects your feelings and wishes.

[spartacat]

Fact is, he knows you dont like him going to a strip club, and he went. He could have gone anywhere for beers with a buddy. Worse, the lap dance. Far worse, he told you because he was busted.

 

Guys arent sorry. They give the same puppy dog eyes a kid will give when they get caught with a cookie before dinner.

[Imprecision]

On the other hand, many strip clubs serve buffets these days. People don't go to strip clubs for "sexual stimulation." It's like a bar, where men can sit down, stop thinking for a while, and relax. Many clubs these days feature naked women dancing in cages. Strip clubs aren't that different.

 

I know girls who go with their boyfriends to strip clubs. If you've talked to your guy about it, that you explicitly did not want him to go to strip clubs, then he broke a promise. But it's not a "betrayal," as some call it.

[lollipop182]

well i've ended it with him for now. Obviously I have no idea if this is permanent or not, however this situation makes me sick to my stomach and Im very hurt by it. I think ending a long term relationship over a lap dance is not justified, however I'm so disappointed in him and feel like doing just that. I think I need to let him know that he will not be forgiven for this easily and maybe I want to make him to show me he's sorry rather than just saying it. Words dont mean anything until they are backed up by actions. Its just really hard to throw everything away, but I dont think about him the same now. I think I need to figure out whether I can get over this, and if there is a future in our relationship.

[Excalibur]

Here's the difference between the paid for lap dance - and the "girlfriend lap dance".

 

The paid for lap dance - you can't touch, it's primarily visual, it allows for fantasy visualization with the impression this girl is "so into you", and at the end - she goes away - she doesn't ask if that was good for you, do you want more, where is our relationship headed, are you serious about me.

 

The girlfirned lap dance - you can touch, it's tactile as well as visual, it's less fantasy and more reality, it might be slightly less seductive and more pornographic, and at the end she asks constantly if you likedit, were you turned on, do you want it done again, do youw ant it done differently and where is our relationship headed?

 

IF a guy could pay for the lapdance he gets from his girlfriend in the outside world - he'd have the "ideal lap dance" - not just seductive but pornographic and integrated into his body parts as well, and no questions at the end, and no endless diatribe about "where is this relationship headed".

 

But he can't get that...so when he pays for the lapdance - it's becuase he's paying her to go home after she turns him on.

 

When he walks down the street or beach and checks out the hottie girls - he doesn't have to pay to get turned on and not have those questions coming at him 24/7.

 

It's that perpetual "where are we headed"...that guys pay to have eliminated from the involvement.

 

Men don't pay for sex...sex is everywhre. They pay women to go home after the sex is over without more calling and questions.

[lollipop182]

I already know where we are headed. We've been together four years talking about marriage and children, this is not a new relationship that I am unsure about so I don't really think this applies here. All I know is that he never felt the need to do this before and apparently he does now.