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I am completely smitten with my friend of several years. It's bad. He *does* feel the same way, but he has a girlfriend who he's too afraid to leave. It's an emotional affair really, it happened online over the course of half a year, we just became very attached to each other. We talk and confide in each other every single day for hours. He hangs out with me a few times a week, but we are good, nothing happens. He is really all I can think about, I look forward to talking to him every day. I know he has real feelings for me, but he's unable to leave her. I am miserable, I want so much to be with this guy but he keeps asking me for more time to figure out what to do. He doesn't want to hurt her, he did try to break up with her for me a few months ago but it didn't go as planned and she freaked and he gave in.

 

I realize I shouldn't wait around for him and I'm not, especially since he can't give me a time frame in which he plans to finish it. I know you'll tell me to think of her and how this would make me feel if I were in her position, but you have to understand too that I didn't CHOOSE this. I certainly don't want to be miserable and stuck wanting someone I can't have. This is a terrible and lonely existence and I wouldn't wish my position on anyone either. I've been talking to a few guys online and they seem really interested. I mean, I like talking to these guys, but my heart really belongs to my friend so I'm conflicted. Should I keep talking to these guys and meet them and see how things progress in hopes that feelings will develop for someone single? I know my friend is jealous, though he and I both know he has no say in this because HE'S the one in the way of anything happening between us. I am just very confused and annoyed and frustrated and I need advice.

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I would say stop talking to this guy and move on. He has made his decision. If things were that bad with his girlfriend he would leave her...he is not afraid to leave...he just doesn't want to leave. He enjoys having you as the fantasy and he is not interested in changing his comfortable life and turning it topsy turvy. He is indeed cheating on his girlfriend by having this emotional affair with you. While you may have feelings for him, he is behaving in a very selfish manner. If you want to really see if he cares about you then walk out of his life. Then see if he actually leaves this woman and comes for you or if he simply tries to get you back into this triangle setup (or doesn't even bother coming for you).

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He is not afraid to leave his gf...that is absolute nonsense. If a man or woman is truly unhappy in a relationship, he or she will leave it unless they are getting some benefit out of it. Stop giving your "friend" all of this when you are not getting anything (no dating, no commitment in return). Your hanging around will only result in you feeling worse and him getting everything he wants from you and his gf at the same time.

 

The only advice I have is: leave this situation right away. Get emotional distance. Let him come find you if he snaps out of it and realizes what he's losing. He knows how.

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People move towards pleasure and away from pain. I agree with Lady and COD. You did choose this - you chose to continue being in contact with him despite developing feelings. I've made choices to get involved and choices not to - in the same situation - and yes, it is a choice. Knowing that it is a choice will help you gain some control and keep that in mind for next time.

 

Also, if he leaves his girlfriend I suppose you'll be fine with him chatting for hours with some hot chick on the internet, maybe meeting up with her for dinner or lunch, yes without ever inviting you. He has a choice too - he could choose to leave his gf or to stay and not play with fire with you. His choice says a lot about his values.

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hon - i have been in your exact shoes before, and let me tell you, it was a waste of my time!!!!! look around on ENA. people get broken up with every single day for someone their SO likes better. i don't know, maybe their relationship isn't perfect, but there must be some reason he is staying. look, i heard it too for years.... the guy complaining to me how he wasn't that happy, told me he was into me, yet never left her. in the end, i just wasted a bunch of time, that i could have been spending to date single men in my area!

 

it's not just me, i've seen my very beautiful and smart friends get duped by the same thing.... guy says he can't stand his gf..... yet he renews his apartment lease with her..... hmmmmm..... something isn't adding up here......

 

anyways, i would cut contact with him. in the end, i just got tired of it. i was putting in a lot of effort and heart and time, and getting nothing in return. i eventually got sick of it, as i'm sure you will too. everyone has their 'breaking point.'

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If he truly loved you he would leave her. Nothing stands in the way of love. Especially if it is just a girlfriend and there are no kids. He has the best of both worlds right now and you are allowing him that. Let him go and if he loves you that much he will leave her...

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Its forbidden territory, you aren't allowed to meddle with someone elses affairs or intervene, you simply have to wait it out until he become available again, but you can't wait for that, you need to live your life and date other people, or at least move on.

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Been there, done that.

 

GET OUT!!! Stop contact with him and he will either leave his girlfriend or not. And even then, he might date you for a while then go back to her and you will end up in a flip-flopping love triangle and be even more miserable. He doesn't want to leave his girlfriend or he would have by now.

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Is he such a coward that he can't even break up with someone who is wrong for him? He's not even married to her.

 

Sometimes people form relationships they're not thrilled with, then triangulate other people into the relationship to try to fill unfulfilled needs. Let's say she's smoking hot and he really likes sex with her, but they don't have any emotional chemistry. So he goes out and finds a girl whom he really likes as a person (YOU!) to fulfill that emotional needs, but he goes home and has smoking hot sex everynight with the girlfriend.

 

Meanwhile ALL his needs are being met, but by different people, so he's willing to do this forever. Only PART of your needs are getting met by him.

 

So regardless of why he does this, this isn't doing you any good, in fact, it is making you miserable with longing. You're basically dating him without the sex and the commitment and the responsiblity. You're missing a LOT in this relationship, while his needs are met elsewhere.

 

Those kind of triangular relationships actually help the weak relationship. In other words, if he can run to you for emotional support, he doesn't feel how lacking his other relationship is. So you actually are allowing the other bad relationship to survive longer than it would if you weren't there.

 

So you need to totally withdraw and quit being the shaky leg that props up his triangle with his girlfriend. Just tell him you can't do this and need to date him or have nothing to do with him becuase it hurts and prevents you from finding someone from yourself.

 

He will either recognize what he is lacking with his girlfriend and end it to be with you, or he will stay with the girlfriend and find another person to triangulate in to fill the void you left behind.

 

But there is always the possibility that he's just lying. He is fine with his girlfriend, and enjoys the attention and support you provide, so is willing to string you along because he is selfish (or really screwed up).

 

You need a whole, healthy relationship, not this mess. Cut him off and tell him it is time for you to find someone who really loves you and wants to be with you fulltime. If you matter enough, he'll break up with the girlfriend. If she matters more, he'll stay with her.

 

p.s. Don't wait any longer for him, start dating the other guys. You need to get out and about and forget about this other guy. He's all talk and no action, and a wimp if he can't break up with someone he says he doesn't love. Who needs a wimp?

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Hello BestrongandBehappy,

Your reply makes so much sense. (I was in the same situation for 3 years and did not know what I was doing wrong. I wish I would have gotten this advice then) Thank you for putting it out very clearly n in a logical manner. You have helped many women who have same problem. I can't thank you enough for such a well-written post.

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