Want to move out & live on own, but sticky situation

[Tears May Fall]

So im 24 years old, live in NYC in queens (haved lived so all my life) and currently live with my mother. We live in a one bedroom apartment that we have had for over 20 years = great rent control.

 

Two years ago, my father passed away and my mom doesnt work, so things got really tough. I am the only child. I graduated from college last may and have been supporting the house (rent, bills, money for mom, etc) since sept 08 (when I passed all my board exams and got licensed). I pay pretty much everything, my own bills, my car payment, the rent, utilities, her credit card payments, her spending/vacation money, etc. Now i dont hold that against her in anyway as she paid all the bills (including some of my credit card bills) in the meantime after my father passed and until I was done with school (basically from money saved up). Now she claims all that money is wiped out.

 

Well until recently I didnt mind living at home with her because I felt as though I had no choice but to support her, keep her company, and also benefit off the low rent here. Thing is, we've been living in a one bedroom all my life, ive never had my own room (we share the bedroom) and i never went to away to college since I went to school here in NYC which means I had no time to live on my own away at school. So now its been recently driving me a bit nuts to not have any privacy, not have my own room, etc. So one solution could be a two bedroom instead, but the other thing thats frustrating is still kinda having to deal with my mother trying to always control my life and asking where im going, who im going with, when ill be back, etc and/or making demands like drive me to the supermarket, drop me to so and so's house, etc (she doesn't drive at all either).

 

This has all become overwhelmingly frustating and I feel a need to wanna live on my own, even if its just for a year or two, to kinda find myself, figure myself out better, learn to be responsible for myself, learn to cook, learn to clean my own house, do my own laundry, etc. It'll teach me better time management and responsibility skills which I never got the chance to develop because my mom takes over most of my chores and spoils me. I also just want the freedom of not having her constantly bugging me. I want to be able to invite friends over, girls over, have parties and get togethers, etc. Even though I go out as I please and I dont have a curfew, its just a nuissance to have her ask me before im walking out where im going and when ill be back and then when i do come back, have her try and yell at me for not answering her calls or coming home late. Also its not exactly fun to come home drunk at 4 in the morning and sleep in the same bed next to your mother at 24 years old.

 

Now most of you would probably be like okay so then why dont you just move out?

 

Well for one, in my culture, the kids dont move out until theyre married, and thats typically only a girl who moves out to live with her husband. The son takes care of his parents for the rest of his life and the parents go with him wherever he goes. Although times have changed and thats almost never the case anymore, with my situation, my mom doesnt have anyone else to be with her or support her or even just keep her company. So its kinda my obligation to have to do so as her only son, especially being she raised me and cared for me all these years. I would look like the black sheep in the family if i left her and went to live on my own and I would never hear the end of it.

 

Secondly, my mom keeps throwing guilt trips on me saying "you'll never leave me by myself right?" or "if you get married, you're not gonna listen to your wife if she says she doesnt want the mother-in law in the house" or "if you leave you'll make me sad and cry." Its almost like figuring out how to get out from a relationship you dont wanna be in but dont know how to get out of, only in this case its my mother and not just some girl that you'll get over in a few months or so.

 

Last but not least, she says if i were to move out, she still wants to live here because she has a ton of friends in the neighborhood and she likes her apartment here, and that id have to continue paying her rent, all her bills, and give her money every month to spend(reasonably speaking). That would be in addition to my own rent for my new apt, my bills, my car pymt, my car insurance, and all my other expenses. Im not sure if I could quite exactly afford that, especially with how expensive it is to live in new york.

 

So some of you might say, well you have to accept it for what it is, but its beyond that. At first this didn't bother me because I was able to accept it, but as time has gone on, I just feel a need to have to get away from home for even a lil bit just to experience life on my own. This also makes me constantly get angry over my father's death because its changed my life so much and he died at a really young age of sudden cancer so its still very difficult to come around to accept.

 

I hope some of you can understand my situation and provide me with some feedback. Much appreciated for taking out your time to read this, thank you.

[Xetra Dax]

Stop stop stop stop stop, this is messed up and this is indeed waaay to sticky. My solution would be this.

 

If you 'have' the money, rent another apartment on top of what you are renting now. 'your space' , now your mom shouldn't be spending that much time being clingy with her son, that's not healthy in the least bit. My advice is to make her join some clubs, you know the 'bridge' club, or 'bingo' club, or other 40+(i recon) clubs. You need to have a little conversation at the appropriate time that its unhealthy that you two are around eachother, your mom needs some confirmation that she won't be left alone, its just you who needs your 'adult' space. If you got a space of your own, hell even if its just a small space, you can become yourself, waaay less attached to the mom so to speak. Im not saying cutting all ties, but in all seriousness take immediate measures to have your own life.

[infinitecore]

So im 24 years old, live in NYC in queens (haved lived so all my life) and currently live with my mother.

 

I graduated from college last may and have been supporting the house (rent, bills, money for mom, etc) since sept 08 (when I passed all my board exams and got licensed).

 

Well for one, in my culture, the kids dont move out until theyre married,

 

Hello there. I'm in a similiar, cultural predicament albeit many differences in personal life.

 

I'm years older than you and have lived in East Queens, NYC for the past 25 yrs.

 

I don't know what your background is but there are plenty of people like you ( us ? )in this area. Especially in regions like Flushing and Woodside, there are many ethnic people ( even up to the age of 40 ! ) that still do live at their childhood home with their parent. Also, many immigrant/ethnic parents are not accustomed to independence and are generally afraid of abandonment by their children.

 

I don't know if the root of your problem lies more within your culture or your parent's attachment. Mine is exactly half and half.

 

Either way, I have no advice to offer you, as I have stopped trying and decided to accept my life for what it is.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Tears May Fall]

yup mine is also exactly half and half in addition to the financial situation that arises out of it (despite having having a decent salary) so yeah I got some deciding to do. Whether to accept things the way they or not...