A Dose of Reality...

[rjw524]

Hi All,

 

No offense, but I have been a member of this board for just a short while, and in that time, I've read a lot of posts and threads from various people, and I have to wonder what is going on here?

 

It doesn't seem like most of the people here are truly interested in healing from their breakup. Instead, it seems like people just want to complain and whine, continue questioning "why", and ask for people's advice on questions to which they already know the answer.

 

Your ex left you. Mine did too. Matter of fact, it's happened to me twice. Yes, they may have even cheated on you or been abusive towards you.

 

In the end, you have to DEAL WITH IT! I mean, really people!

 

First of all, and this really needs to be said...

 

YOUR EX IS NOT COMING BACK!

 

If you're out there holding onto this dangerous and false hope, please do yourself the kindness of purging the thought.

 

* They are not going to "come to their senses".

* They are not secretly missing you and rethinking their decision

* They are not wondering what you are doing.

 

If they actually ARE continuing to contact you, it's because they're using you for their own selfish ends!

 

Second...

 

NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY YOU WILL MOVE ON IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WAS REJECTED!

 

* No phone calls

* No emails

* No text messages

* No IMs

* No hanging out

* No "Ex-Sex"

 

This is the ONLY WAY! People who have the hardest time dealing with their break-up are the ones who have regular or intermittent contact with their exes.

 

Remaining in contact will literally drive you insane! And I am NOT kidding!

 

Third,

 

Healing is about the following:

 

1) Full & Proper Grieving (accepting that it's over and feeling the pain)

2) Learning the lessons you needed to take away from the experience

3) Gaining a better perspective about the truth of relationships.

 

Fourth...

 

Yes, you DO get over it! Believe me.

 

Take care,

 

RJ

[Samedy]

It must be nice to have all the answers....

 

 

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[thejigsup]

While I agree with you in principle, what you are saying is very logical and rational, many people who are going through a breakup don't get to this point for a little while. As long as they are not hurting themselves or anyone else, I say let them hope. Sometimes people do get back together, not very often, but sometimes. I know what you are saying, I think the same, but pain can make us do illogical things. That's just the way it is. It never hurts to help someone through a rough time, does it? Try and keep that in mind when you answer a post from someone whose heart is breaking. When there has been abuse, that is when I will say, "You are lucky they left! Now stay away from them!"

[Cognitive_Canine]

Some people (like me) take breakups pretty erratically.

 

I know what must be done but my stomach, heart, and body fight me all the way till the end.

 

Some have it way worse too.

 

That IS why ENA is here, btw. To slap people up a bit, set them straight, and then give them support when their hearts go crazy on them.

[Haven]

I agree with you. There is a difference between helping and enabling, and sometimes ENA does not always help. However, it does help quite a lot though...

 

I think when people reach the point where they should be getting over their ex and starting to move on, but they are still posting here about their issues with their ex, then that is a problem. I guess it's just difficult to figure out when that point is.

[rjw524]

And I learned every single one of them the hard way...

 

from thejigsup: "It never hurts to help someone through a rough time, does it? Try and keep that in mind when you answer a post from someone whose heart is breaking."

 

I've helped literally HUNDREDS of people get past their break-up. And on a personal note, I know the pain QUITE well. Matter of fact, we're on a first name basis, lol! But helping someone through a rough time and simply enabling them to wallow are two different things.

 

This isn't the first board of this type I've been on. However, this one is definitely the most "co-dependent" from I've seen. I mean, come on!

 

From what I saw coming in, this is supposed to be the "HEALING" section...just doesn't seem that way to me.

 

The people out here who are hurting need to know that:

 

1) Your ex is an ABSOLUTE IDIOT for NOT seeing how wonderful and absolutely dynamic people you are!

 

2) Your ex, in breaking your heart, killed something very dear and special to you...your dream for the future. That's a REAL death and it's something to be hurt and angry about for a time.

 

3) Them leaving you, BY DEFINITION means THEY ARE NOT THE ONE!

 

4) When you've been seriously heartbroken, you are SUPPOSED to be hurt. You absolutely should grieve and mourn. But you can't forget that this is a fight!

 

This is literally a war for your mind and mental well-being. The ones who don't fight hard enough go on for years and years (or even longer) living in the shadow of their heartbreak. It's serious business. And I'm sorry, but no, I'm not warm and fuzzy about it.

[caro33]

Hi rjw524, I completely agree with much of what you have said, and particularly elements of the below:

 

The people out here who are hurting need to know that:

 

1) Your ex is an ABSOLUTE IDIOT for NOT seeing how wonderful and absolutely dynamic people you are!

 

2) Your ex, in breaking your heart, killed something very dear and special to you...your dream for the future. That's a REAL death and it's something to be hurt and angry about for a time.

 

3) Them leaving you, BY DEFINITION means THEY ARE NOT THE ONE!

 

4) When you've been seriously heartbroken, you are SUPPOSED to be hurt. You absolutely should grieve and mourn. But you can't forget that this is a fight!

 

However, I think you might be overstating your case a little about how the people here are not keen to get past it. I personally think that when rejected by our partner we all go through a stage of some denial, which for some is too long, but for many is just a period that is par for the course. And I think people need to hear the sorts of principles you are expressing, but I wonder if many of them have the capacity in the early days to really internalise it.

 

It is easy for people who have come out of the other side of heartbreak to say to the heartbroken ones to just realise some things, and I know I want to shake some people when they persist with the "yes, buts" about how the person who rejected them is still the "one". But I am not sure I was open to this in the early days of my major breakup. My grief was enormous but I got through it by hoping I would hear from him etc etc. It took me ages to work out that he, by definition, was not the one for me.

 

Anyway, I like your thread and your sentiments but I would hate for your message to be lost because you are perceived as ignoring the real emotions and often irrational need for hope (in the early days) of the people who have been left hurting.

 

BTW when it happened to me I was completely alone: my friends had not had it happen to them (yet) and there was no ENA for me. Ten years of being with my boyfriend/fiance just disappeared in a puff of smoke and I had no idea. I got through it though. I do wonder if a site like ENA would have been helpful to me. I think it probably would have, it would have given me an outlet to pour out my worst fears etc and my most ridiculous hopes. I guess that some of the people here on ENA might be the same way; perhaps people should not be judged too much on what they write at the peak of their distress on an internet board. They may well take hope from your words like yours but never write again because they feel better then...

[rjw524]

Too many people here simply don't seem interested in trying to get better. The vibe here is one of either wanting your ex back, or wanting another relationship...now.

 

For the people who came here because they were truly interested in moving on, I would suggest you look at the "gettingpastyourbreakup" forum at yahoo groups.

 

They really are about moving on.

 

But this ENA site is a 24 hour pity party. It's the kinda thing that keeps people stuck.

 

Take care and wish you all success.

[SchecterGuy]

Some people can't help it. I am noticing during this breakup subconscious takes over a lot. I know I can think of the same thing at different times of day and have different feelings each time. Ie:

1. Sometimes I think I made the right choice by letting her go and sometimes I feel huge amounts of regret.

2. Sometimes I can think of her moving on and I do not care and sometimes it tears my heart apart.

3. Sometimes I look at what I am doing to make the future better and I see a bright future and sometimes I look at the same choices and do not see what better they are going to make things.

4. Sometimes I think I can just replace her and sometimes I think she is irreplacable (sp?)

 

Just so you know I have never showed signs remotely close to manic depression or bipolar disorder. I have been told by a few people that my emotions are unusually monotone and I am always in a constant emotional state (usually a relatively good one to content). But during this breakup I have been on a very up and down emotional path that has very little to do with what I am consciously thinking about.

[Nearwater]

Great objective post.

1-4 are about what i feel with the inclusion of a huge sense of the loss of our future, I am amazed daily at the range of emotions this break up has brought to the surface. i intend it will make me a a better, more aware partner for a woman in the future, or my ex if she pulls her head out of her xxx before I am moved on and start hating her.