bad, bad, bad day

[carrie22]

so my ex and i have been broken up for about a month and a half. we have been strict no contact. i moved away for the summer after we broke up (was already planning to before we did), so there's been no chance of us running into each other.

 

long story short--read my other posts for more details--he broke up with me b/c he said he realized we just weren't right for each other. he said although i'm beautiful, smart, funny, and any guy would be lucky to have me (all that breakup bs), he just knew he could never be what i needed.

 

so i'm in town visiting this week. i bought the plane ticket to visit home before we broke up, so i've been pretty down this entire trip.

 

this morning, i'm driving home and i have to drive by his parent's house. and what do you know, there he is in the driveway. he sees me so i honk my horn and stop, and he comes over to the car. he's surprised to see me--didn't think i was still in town--and gets in the car to talk. we're both happy to see each other, he keeps telling me i look great, we catch up on what's been going on in our lives. no relationship talk. when he's getting out of the car we hug, and then he asks for one more hug. we leave on good terms.

 

and then the IDIOT that i am calls him. seeing him just made me realize even more how much i still love him. i tell him he's still never picked up his stuff from my house. it's been sitting in a box in my garage. he says he'll be by to pick it up in 30 minutes. i ask if we can talk some more when he gets here, and he says yes.

 

10 minutes later he calls me to say it's a bad idea. that he's not coming over. that he knows if he did something would happen (ie. us sleeping together) and he's not ready for that. i start kind of begging and pleading (soooo frustrating considering the past month i've been gone i haven't called him once. i've been dating other people and really starting to move on. not that i've stopped loving him but i had begun to accept it).

 

he keeps saying how of course he wants to sleep with me. but emotionally he's not ready. it would make us both more confused, etc.

 

i call him back a while later in the day to apologize for acting so silly. he's very nice about it, telling me i didn't act silly at all and that of course it's hard on both of us (we were together for 4 1/2 years). i ask him if he still has any hope of us being together. he says that he does, that he thinks about it all the time. that if it's meant to be it will be. he said he wants us to start building a friendship again (just talking as friends occasionally and not about the relationship), and that i need to just go back to where i'm working for the summer. he says, though, that there is no way he'd want to marry into the kind of relationship we had before.

 

i feel like i'm back at square one. i want him back so badly. not tomorrow, because i know he IS right, and that we do need to both be on our own for a while. but i really want to know if he really does have hope for us one day.

 

i'm so confused....

[lady00]

Sorry you are hurt and confused! People who say that if it's meant to be it will be are simply not taking responsibility for themselves. It's bizarre to me when people say that like your ex did...does he not have control over himself? It makes them sound wise when really it's just him choosing a different way to say the same thing.

 

I don't think being his friend right now makes much sense for you. You want to be with him, not be his friend. If I were you, I would not take him up on the friendship offer--it will likely cause you to do/say things that will push him further away. Give yourself more time away from him, no contact so that you can heal and then maybe sometime later on try to be friends or try dating again.

[feelinblu]

Wow. He sounds a lot like my ex! Well, it sounds like he knows how wonderful of a person you are, and I doubt it was a lie that he's thought about being with you. He says he wants to build a friendship now. Can you handle that? Reallly think about if you can. If you can handle it, then I think it would be good. You both really need to think about the things that went wrong in the relationship though, before trying it again. Make sure the things that went wrong before are not going to be an issue again. Good Luck! I'm sure it's nerve racking to be in your shoes right now, but just breathe, and try to think of this as a good thing. I (think) I would love it if I got the same response from my ex. Actually I think I might, but I'm too nervous to find out!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, I don't think you can handle a friendship with him right now, look what happened when you saw him!

 

My experience is a lot of that 'if it were meant to be it would be' stuff is a stalling mechanism. It could mean he's thinking about it, or it could mean he's sending you off letting you think you might get back together because he doesn't want to deal with the emotional fallout from telling you that it is over and he is not coming back. This really is one of those 'is the glass half empty or half full' kind of situations, and only time will tell.

 

So you need to go off and go back into dating other people and not counting on this happening. It could happen, or it could not. But you have to remember that in order for it to happen, he has to actually start spending time with you and working on it, and if he won't do that, then you have to assume it is over until if and when he shows up again.

 

But please don't wait or stop your healing. You will be fine, but you need to stay away from him until he does contact you and ask to see you otherwise you will just keep tearing yourself up like this.

[thejigsup]

You made a scene with the crying stuff (we've all done it) so he just wants you to leave town without any further scenes on your part. If you stay out of touch, it's for the best. If he wants to get back with you, he knows your number. If he doesn't, you've kept your dignity.