Hope143 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I'm very much in love with my boyfriend of 2 years, and sad to say but I don't think the feeling is mutual. I just came home from his house because there was an incident when I got there earlier. After work, I went to his house and I found him cleaning his room because there were ants he said all over his room by his bed. All the stuff under the bed were all over his room. He was putting away what looks like a box of liquor i thought. So I was laughing at him and I grabbed it and told him "let me see that, whats that why you keep a box of liquor" thinking it was just some box of liquor and theres a bottle he saved or something, sure enough it was something from his relationship before mine. It said in his handwriting "her name & his name 1st Valentine" it kind of hit me hard and sadness and I felt soo much pain as we've never celebrated Valentine's Day of being 2 yrs together because he hated it. I didn't ask much about it, I just laughed it off. He got soo upset and said "why am i nosy? why you gotta grabbed it from me?" I just stayed quiet and then a few minutes later. I told him I don't feel good that I need to go home. Well now I'm home, and why do I feel so hurt? I know it's not his fault and I can't help who he love. I mean I have nothing against his ex. That is his past. Since we started going out, I never asked about her, we have not really talked about his past relationship or mine as it is not necessary as that was our past but I FEEL, i felt it before and It just confirmed today that he is STILL INLOVE with her because I feel that he just can't truly give his all to me but he wants that from me. As much as it hurts, I have no idea what to do... he doesn't like doing all these things with me cuz he hates it. I never really understood why but I think I have an idea now. I'm not mad at him or his ex because you really can't choose who you love but it's not fair that I'm giving my all and he isn't. I just feel so sad because he has my heart and someone else still has his heart after all these years. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 hugs. what are you going to do now? Link to comment
bartels Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Maybe you are over reacting. Maybe he was just having a momentary "flashback", and he found himself thinking about her on that occasion. It doesnt mean he loves her more than you nor does it mean she is always on his mind. It might help if we know why they broke up, specifically if she dumped him or it was mutual, that sort of thing. You should talk to him about it and hope he will be honest with you. Link to comment
DN Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 I see nothing in your post to say he loves her more than you. Keeping a reminder of an old relationship isn't unusual - it's part of his life. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 hello guys its me again... well what do you do when you feel that your boyfriend is still inlove with ex? ok maybe keeping a reminder of an old relationship really isn't anything but how can you explain when last night he was online looking at furniture to get for my living room and he went to the ikea website and then he told me to go see so i got up from the bed cuz i was watching tv, then he had to go to the bathroom so i was checking everything out when i went to go the back button on the internet explorer so I can go to the previous website, he was on myspace I guess looking at his ex's myspace. I think he went to find her on myspace as he has no myspace he deleted it and it was on private so you can only see her picture. I mean why is this happening? after being together for 2 years I've fallen for him but i feel like his heart is closed without me really realizing it until now seeing all these things. I mean I knew that was the only serious and first relationship he had before me and they were together for 4 years and I respect that but its been more than 3 years when they split up before we got together and he told me some about her but didn't really say how they broke up and i never pried and i respect their relationship but I just can't help and wonder how he REALLY feels about me. it really hurts sooo much and i think he knows that i seen it because my mood changed and he asked me if i saw something online and he keeps saying that he loves me but i feel like they are all just words. I don't know what to do... i really need some advice. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Oh just to note... i think he was on his brother's myspace maybe earlier before i got to his house cuz i came from work and left work a little later. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Did you ask him why he was checking her myspace? Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Did you ask him why he was checking her myspace? When he asked me if anything was wrong. I said I just didn't feel good. I'm not ready to ask him anything and also I don't even know how to start without sounding like i'm accusing or not trusting him because he hates to be questioned. I know it's also not good to keeps things inside but I really don't even know how to really approach him with this. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Yeah you cant hold that inside, it will effect your relationship. You should just tell him you hit the back button and "her myspace loaded" and you want to know why? Its not like you snooped...geez. I'm sure he will hate to be questioned about this but this is something that needs to be questioned unless you want to ignore the obvious. Most people dont like to be questioned when they did something wrong. You need to be able to talk to him after being together for 2yrs and find out the truth. Im not sure if he still has feeling for his ex or not, he is the only one that knows but always follow your gut, especially when its giving you a bad feeling. Usually its never wrong. Link to comment
chibuku2000 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Agreed - you've just got to talk, rather than just try and deal with it yourself. That way, your mind will always jump to the worst possible conclusion. There is no need to sound accusational, just explain to him, calmly and rationally that these last couple of things have left you feeling upset and confused as to whether he really loves you. As long as you keep your emotions in check, but explain to him that its hurting you to be in this position, he's got to be honest - in which case you should know where you stand. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Well last night... without really saying the cause of my sudden changed of behavior, i feel that he knows that i've seen it we didn't mention anything about her at all but we spoke as if we were on the same page. When I left his house cuz i didn't feel like being around him at that moment cuz i feel like balling out of control. So he called me and kept asking whats wrong.. then i just stayed quiet and then he asked in a low voice is there something online that you saw. and I just didn't say anything but i did say that it's not fair after being together for 2 years you'd think that i'd be sure whats in his heart then I told him i just want to sleep i'll talk to him later and hang up. He then called a few minutes later and said that he is right outside my house and to open the door, he told me to go with him to his house and when we layed in bed he keeps saying that he loves me and that he loves me like his family because i'm a part of his life now. Like now? i don't know i thought i've been a part of his life? he was never really good at talking about his feelings but I mean the wording just didn't feel like he has the same feeling as I do, like not as strong as mine. I just fell asleep. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him, I just don't feel that he loves me as I love him. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 i think you need to be able to talk to him, he can't read your mind. you have to tell him what's going on, what is bothering you. you aren't doing a great job at communicating your feelings either. Hi annie, I do always tell him how I feel, it's just that this time, I don't want to talk to him about this and i'm going to start crying infront of him because I am very emotional and i cry a lot when something really hurts me. I guess i just need to find a way to really talk to him without showing too much emotion, i'm just not good at words either and his birthday is coming up too.. it just kinda sucks right now Link to comment
Ac143 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 You had a golden o pportunity when he asked is it something you saw online, right there you should have mentioned it and told him it hurt you. I know that chance has passed but if he even said it, he probably knows you seen it or assumes if you saw it - it would hurt you. There is really no good time to bring up things like this, it just needs to be done for your own peace of mind. Dont make a fight out of it, just get some answesr. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Ac I know.. Thanks, maybe i'm gonna try tonight. i'm gonna try my hardest not to cry I hate crying infront of people. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 All you really discovered is that you're receiving the brunt of being with someone having "baggage". Anything that hurt in the past - he doesn't do, involve, consider or allow it to reoccur with a new person in the mix, to change the experience for him. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 All you really discovered is that you're receiving the brunt of being with someone having "baggage". Anything that hurt in the past - he doesn't do, involve, consider or allow it to reoccur with a new person in the mix, to change the experience for him. So do you mean he is still very much inlove with his ex? and still have not moved on and i'm just filling in the gap? Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 No, I'm stating that any situation, circumstance, detail or element in which he has experienced emotional pain in the past - with anybody from family to friends to lovers - he no longer permits those situations, circumstances, details, or elements to enter his life today with new people, and a larger sense of self-responsiblity to the outcome. he's not in love with you, he wasn't in love with her...he's not appropriately in love with himself, he can't love anybody else. He's gotyou becuase you're willing to tolerate a relationship where there is nothing he doesn't allow or want. Nobody in their right mind would involve in it. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 No, I'm stating that any situation, circumstance, detail or element in which he has experienced emotional pain in the past - with anybody from family to friends to lovers - he no longer permits those situations, circumstances, details, or elements to enter his life today with new people, and a larger sense of self-responsiblity to the outcome. he's not in love with you, he wasn't in love with her...he's not appropriately in love with himself, he can't love anybody else. He's gotyou becuase you're willing to tolerate a relationship where there is nothing he doesn't allow or want. Nobody in their right mind would involve in it. I dont know how you got that (the part in bold) just by reading her post? I am with my bf that I VERY much am in love with and in the beginning of our relationship I checked my ex bf's myspace profile just to see what he was up to. Had nothing to do with not loving my current bf. My ex was my first true long serious relationship and I loved him very much because I knew him for 10 plus years and he will always have a place in my heart BUT I would never ever think of going back to him. It was a different kind of love, puppy love. I think the OP should just ask her bf what the deal is, be upfront with him. If he has nothing to hide, he wont get upset. If my bf caught me checking an ex's myspace profile I would tell him flat out why I did it. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 No, I'm stating that any situation, circumstance, detail or element in which he has experienced emotional pain in the past - with anybody from family to friends to lovers - he no longer permits those situations, circumstances, details, or elements to enter his life today with new people, and a larger sense of self-responsiblity to the outcome. he's not in love with you, he wasn't in love with her...he's not appropriately in love with himself, he can't love anybody else. He's gotyou becuase you're willing to tolerate a relationship where there is nothing he doesn't allow or want. Nobody in their right mind would involve in it. I don't know where you get that he isn't allowing things to happen in our relationship. He doesn't like celebrating it but he does give presents and stuff because he knows it means a lot to me and for you to say "nobody in their right mind would involve in it" is very judgemental. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Here's my point - youo say that in two years of dating - there's been no valentines cards, dates, bears, flowers, or candy. No "valentines day" (peresonally - I think it's overrated - but I need to use your example). Most women would say at the first "no valentines day - I don't do valentine's day" statementon his part "well, I do do valentine's day and I expect that to be honored in order to stay with me". If he came back wtih "well, my mother died on Valentine's Day and that is why I refuse to celebrate it" - okay - that's valid enough, and most people would be understanding. But his reason for not having valentines day with YOU - is that Valentines day somewhere with someone else "did not meet his needs, or hurt his feeligns" - so his answer to that is "never will anybody with me have the option to celebrate valentine's day". Taht's my only point..he doesn't do valentines day because he got hurt, and he's not any different in self-esteem or self-requirement then or now....so he's just not going back onto that "stage" to see the next round. You're tolerant of that approach on his part - anything that hurts or upsets, he doesn't have to do or engage in. Which is what has caused you alot of upset and hurt in your relationship - you don't have all those associations/feelings with particular situations- you have a positive set of associations possibly - and yet you're deprived of involvement and celebrations - becuase of his "baggage". You're thinking 'I'm not good enough to have Valentine's Day with, isn't my love enough to fix your previous ouchie" - and the answer is nothing is going to fix his previous ouchie except him.....anybody that associates has to deal with the fact he deals with open wounds by avoidance, and keeps them open by refusal to acknowledge them in the first place. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 AC i think his reply was meant to my first post about the valentines thing but yea i don't get the connection to what he is saying. Link to comment
Hope143 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Here's my point - youo say that in two years of dating - there's been no valentines cards, dates, bears, flowers, or candy. I don't know where you get that.. all i said we never celebrated but it didn't mean he didn't give me presents. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 For all we know he might have no liked celebrating it when he was with his ex too, but still gave presents. I personally dont like V-Day either but still give presents. I understand what Excalibur is saying now about "baggage" that no one should have to deal with someone not doing certain things in their now relationship due to fall outs of their past relationships but I'm not sure it's the case here. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Hope143. He's not any more in love with his ex than with you.....he's not "tolerating" you while pursuing her....that's really the only thing you can go with while you evaluate if who he is and how he is - meets your standards and expectations, not your needs. Everything in our past makes us who we are - thereforeee if somenoe loves us - they should be grateful for the past experiences and alliances we've had, and our interpretation of them - as that has made us into the person that they love. Link to comment
KAT MOMMY Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I feel as those memories of his ex is what is hendering him from giving you his heart. Guys have feelings too and even though the past is a distant memory we see that he has some residue left over from the ex and as a result he is blocking out those memories by avoiding the hoilday, affection etc. As a woman I feel as if it is most important to listen to our gut and go off how and what we know and feel. I would have been very hurt and upset as well-it's natural. But now that you know what the issues are what are you going to do to correct it? more so I feel the question is what CAN you do? He is angry at you that you found it and it obvious it means a lot to him and this should not be the case at all. It is important to reveal the past but to a certain extent. The past can't be rekindled but at the same time it is a part of you both and if you are together now it's only right to talk about it Link to comment
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