I have no idea how to handle this...

[woahisme13]

I started dating this girl in January. At first I was unsure about how I felt about her. She pretty much moved herself into my house after the first month. She has a 2 year old who I grew very attached to. I fell in love with her but was unsure if she felt the same.

 

I went away for three days on a business trip. She called me everynight and on the last night she said her mom made her cry when they were talking about me. I thought this might be a good sign. When I got home I went through her cell phone to see if she had been talking to any of her friends about me, to see if she felt the same way. I came accross a message from one of her GF saying that if she liked this other guy then she needed to let me know. I confronted her about it and asked her if she wanted to break up. She said that she was just friends with him and didn't care about him the way she did me.

 

After seeing that message I had a hard time trusting her. I've had my fair share of reationships but never before did I feel the way I did for this girl. I new I was in love with her. I finally told her and she said she loved me. In May I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We also set a date to start trying to have a baby, June 9th.

 

I kept looking in her phone to make sure that we were ok and there was no one else. The last week in May I saw a message that her ex was in town and they were making plans to meet up. I knew she still had some feelings for him and confronted her on it. She got very upset about me going through her phone again, which is understandable. I wouldn't have cared if she saw him but I wanted her to be honest about it. She said she just wanted to see him for some closure and that was it. They ended up not meeting up.

 

We went out the next weekend. We both got pretty drunk and in the cab I saw her call his number on her phone then immediately hang up. When we got home I confronted her on it. I asked her if she still loved him and if so more than she loved me. She wouldn't answer me and just started crying. I asked for my ring back and she said she was going to stay at our mutal friends house. At that point I lost it, feeling like all that made me happy and my life feel complete was a lie. In a rage I flipped over our sleeper sofa and broke a kitchen chair. I had a good reason to be mad but I know I handled it poorly.

 

The next day she said she needed some space but we were still together. The following day she said she had never seen anyone act they way I did and it really scared her and completely changed how she felt about me, saying she lost alot of respect for me and didn't feel safe around me. I did not act violently towards her at all, just to be clear. She said she wanted to break up for a while but still live with me and try to work things out.

 

Three days later she came home drunk and asked if we could sleep together. I ok'd it and after a minute she said she didn't feel right having sex if we weren't together adn that she wanted to get back together with me, that she still loved me and she was sorry. I called into work the next day so we could spend they day together. At the end of that day she said she still wasn't ready. On Saturday we finished moving the rest of her stuff into my house so she could get rid of her apartment.

 

Sunday she told me she wanted to go out on a date with another guy to make sure how she felt about me. I lost it and told her she needed to try to work things out with me together or leave. Monday she moved back to her apartment. Saying she couldn't have the space she needed staying with me. She said she wasn't going to see anyone else.

 

Now she gets jealous over every girl I talk to but she is hanging out with another guy. Saying it's okay to hang out with other people but not ok tp sleep with them. I know the guy she is hanging out with and I know his intentions, so does she. She says she wants us to be together but just wants to be friends right now until I sort my anger/ jealousy issues out.

 

I start counseling next week. I am doing it for myself not for her. I told her I can't be her friend right now because it seems like she wants to see other people and keep me there just incase. She said that is bnot the way it is and she wants to be with me eventually but is hanging out with other people right now just in case it doesn't work out between us.

 

I don't know what to do. I love her and her daughter very much and was even talking about adopting her daughtr as my own. It's been three weeks since we split and I miss her so much. I never put myself out like that to anyone else before. At the same time I hate what she is doing to me.

 

Thanks for listening.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I am really sorry to say this but you should stop seeing this woman immediately, get over her as soon as possible and find someone else. She is totally using you and I doubt that she loves you at all - at least, not in any meaningful sense of the word.

 

She is a liar and a manipulative cheat and you deserve so much better than that. Checking her phone and breaking furniture is not good but it pales into insignificance compared to what she is doing.

[deang]

I can understand your pain and frustration. You both seem confused by your feelings. Unfortunately, your best bet right now is to get away from the situation and get yourself straight...I know its hard but try not worry about what she's doing or what is going on in her head. The checking of the cell phone tells me you had trust issues to begin with. I think you need to figure out why that was...was it you being insecure or was she really acting in a way to make you think something was going on. Once you get to the point where you are checking her cell phone or spying on her there is something fundamentally wrong. These behaviors will push someone away and never does anyone any good at all. Read some of the posts of NC and healing yourself...who knows maybe she'll straighten her act up but in the meantime you need to help yourself and start making yourself happy and healthy.

[DJC]

Well I believe you should keep going with the counseling as it does seem you have anger issues and trust issues, but I believe that she has some issues as well. You say she has a 2 year old child, so why is she still acting below her age? I think she needs to grow up a little and decide what she wants, the last thing a parent would want is a shaky foundation in their home life.

I think you need some time out from everything and just relax a little more, make yourself happy first and then you can start to try and rebuilding things.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I agree with the others... i know you are hurting and i know you believe you love this woman like no other...but the way your relationship is going - it doesn't seem like either of you are ready for marriage... i dont have to tell you that marriage requires both people to be trusting, trustworthy and committed to each other-and it doesn't seem that either of you are in that state of mind right now.

 

I have a question .. how many other explosive episodes have you had? have you had these episodes when her child was present?

 

If i were a mother- and i were about to marry a man who flipped a couch over in a fit of anger- i too would be very confused and unsure as to what i wanted to do ...

 

I think you both need some time apart to figure things out- get your heads together... and make a decision about the future of your relationship.

 

I'm really glad to hear that you are in counseling... it is definitely a step in the right direction.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the other posters. This woman is trouble and it is best that you stay far away from her. I think counselling for you is a good thing because you have lots of issues you need to sort out..why did you move the relationship so quickly when you had trust issues with her. If you are checking her phone for signs of how she feels about you then you are no where near the getting married stage, let alone having children. You also need to get a better hold over your temper...however, given the way this woman treated you, it is not surprising that you completely blew up...I think we all have the potential to go down that road when someone we love is continually disrespecting us. So the important thing is to get away from the person who is treating you badly and causing you to act out of character. This woman is flakey and a user. She is setting a horrible example for her child.

[woahisme13]

I have only been explosive like like one other time with her. I punched a brick wall a few times. Both occurrences happened when we were out drinking. Usually I am a pretty mellow guy and most things just slide right off me. I was never angry in front of her daughter. She was stayinh at her grandmothers house both times.

 

It just sucks that it is like this. I put her daughter to bed every night, and treated her as if she were my own. I miss her alot. She called me daddy a couple times and my heart melted. My ex wants me to see her when I can and I would like to, but I don't think that is fair to the child or myself at this time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

She's moves in one day and then the next tells you she wants to see other guys while living with you?

 

This really sounds like she wants a man to support her and her child, but she still wants to run around with various other guys. People who are looking for meal tickets do this kind of thing, constantly shopping around for the next best meal ticket while still with someone else.

 

No question you should not erupt into anger that involves physically attacking things. BUT also no question that she is being absolutely ridiculous to think she should be able to date other guys, call other guys, and hook up with exes while she is living with you.

 

She just doesn't sound like a good long term prospect for stability and love in your life. There is so much drama already. Please do not get in a situation to make a baby with this woman, or she will be toddling off with more child support and another baby, looking for whatever her whims tell her is the next thing she wants.