otatop Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Hi everyone. I'm making an update to a thread I started in January about a changing relationship that was very important to me. It's here: enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214246 - for some reason, I can't post a URL. Long story short for those who don't want to go diving through the old thread - I fell in love with my roommate and best friend, got some very strong signs that she felt the same way, and was at a loss for how to proceed. I guess I should pick up from where I left off. Not too long after I wrote my last message in the thread, I decided to make a serious attempt at telling her my feelings. I surprised her with a very nice dinner and flowers the next time she and I had some time off together. The conversation began awkwardly, with me explaining the nature of how I felt and her not saying very much. Eventually, as we kept talking and both got more comfortable she told me that she shared my attraction, had given some thought to the matter herself, but that she was not very good at relationships and was nervous about starting one with me. Knowing her background and sharing her trepidation about starting a relationship, I decided that the best thing I could do was to give her time, continue to be there for her as I always had, and show her that my feelings for her weren't predicated on her being a "good girlfriend." The flowers I brought found a home in her favorite vase for some time afterward, which I took to be a good sign. Valentine's Day rolled along, and after spending some time apart, I decided to make another attempt to break the ice. I left her a gift and a letter, and she was very happy with both. Time went on and we remained close as we always had, but with frequent and escalating crossings into relationship territory - kissing, meeting each other's parents (the "Girl Interview", as she called it), vacations at each other's old home towns, eventually as far as sleeping together. Despite the bumps in the relationship (I never mistook her for a perfect person, and I know I've got plenty of flaws myself), I was very happy with the way things were progressing. By all appearances, she was too, but there were times when she seemed distant about certain things. The relationship continued, but I was aware that I seemed to be putting a little more effort into it at times than she was. Yeah, yeah, I know, foreshadowing. After six months of regular travel because of work, the lease came up on our little apartment, and we agreed that it was time to move out. Our jobs were requiring us to relocate to the east coast, and she was moving back in with her parents as a temporary situation to cut down on costs (this recession hit us pretty hard). I moved to the same area, and found a place of my own. I spent the preceding month helping her with the very costly and difficult move, traveling and taking time off of work to get everything done. A few nights ago, with the work done and us returning from a night out, we stayed up and talked. After a while, she began to get quiet. She then told me with only cursory attempts at sparing my feelings that we not only would not be continuing our relationship, but that we never had one to begin with. She immediately went on to tell me that she was hoping to date a superior of mine at work she had met a while ago - more than ten years older than either of us, divorced, but he generally seems like a good guy. She reached this decision after only ever having three conversations with him, and not knowing if he had any interest in her. I didn't know she had a "type" that she went for, but evidently he's it and I'm not. She then said that I was her "best friend", but she never had any feelings for me (as often as she said she did), and that if I made any attempt at telling him that the two of us had been a couple, she would cajole my superior into getting me fired (something he had apparently offered to do to someone else she didn't like, albeit in jest). She said that she'd never considered me relationship material, but just didn't want to tell me that until we were moving. I was just "too young and immature" for her (there's a three year age difference, and we're both mid-late 20s). She said this under the pretext of sparing my feelings. This all came out in the space of a few minutes, and needless to say, I was more or less devastated. I'd been through some bad breakups before, but this trumps them. Evidently, I've misjudged this person for well over a year. Her friends, who I thought had become our mutual friends, apparently have no interest in talking to me. I've since pieced together that I was among the last to know about this, with only me and her parents being in the dark. Her choice of how to conduct our relationship, how to end it, and who she's decided to pursue all seem tailor made to mess with my head. It all calls to mind a certain saying about nice guys finishing last, or being boiled alive, or something. I guess this is a sympathy call, but I don't really have a whole ton of people with whom to talk about this, seeing as she was my "best friend" and all. I never wanted to believe the worst about her. I know I set myself up to some extent, and there were signs that are a whole lot easier to see in hindsight. I just can't believe how painful and manipulative this ended up being, to say nothing of the potential future drama. I was prepared for a rejection or a "let's just be friends" talk months ago, but not this, and not now. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing I would have done to someone I called my "best friend". Any thoughts are welcome - I appreciated the support and advice I got from my last post. I have a general idea for how to deal with my feelings now, but it doesn't make it any less painful. Link to comment
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