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Seriously Painful End


otatop

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Hi everyone. I'm making an update to a thread I started in January about a changing relationship that was very important to me. It's here: enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214246 - for some reason, I can't post a URL. Long story short for those who don't want to go diving through the old thread - I fell in love with my roommate and best friend, got some very strong signs that she felt the same way, and was at a loss for how to proceed.

 

I guess I should pick up from where I left off. Not too long after I wrote my last message in the thread, I decided to make a serious attempt at telling her my feelings. I surprised her with a very nice dinner and flowers the next time she and I had some time off together. The conversation began awkwardly, with me explaining the nature of how I felt and her not saying very much. Eventually, as we kept talking and both got more comfortable she told me that she shared my attraction, had given some thought to the matter herself, but that she was not very good at relationships and was nervous about starting one with me. Knowing her background and sharing her trepidation about starting a relationship, I decided that the best thing I could do was to give her time, continue to be there for her as I always had, and show her that my feelings for her weren't predicated on her being a "good girlfriend." The flowers I brought found a home in her favorite vase for some time afterward, which I took to be a good sign.

 

Valentine's Day rolled along, and after spending some time apart, I decided to make another attempt to break the ice. I left her a gift and a letter, and she was very happy with both. Time went on and we remained close as we always had, but with frequent and escalating crossings into relationship territory - kissing, meeting each other's parents (the "Girl Interview", as she called it), vacations at each other's old home towns, eventually as far as sleeping together. Despite the bumps in the relationship (I never mistook her for a perfect person, and I know I've got plenty of flaws myself), I was very happy with the way things were progressing. By all appearances, she was too, but there were times when she seemed distant about certain things. The relationship continued, but I was aware that I seemed to be putting a little more effort into it at times than she was. Yeah, yeah, I know, foreshadowing.

 

After six months of regular travel because of work, the lease came up on our little apartment, and we agreed that it was time to move out. Our jobs were requiring us to relocate to the east coast, and she was moving back in with her parents as a temporary situation to cut down on costs (this recession hit us pretty hard). I moved to the same area, and found a place of my own. I spent the preceding month helping her with the very costly and difficult move, traveling and taking time off of work to get everything done.

 

A few nights ago, with the work done and us returning from a night out, we stayed up and talked. After a while, she began to get quiet. She then told me with only cursory attempts at sparing my feelings that we not only would not be continuing our relationship, but that we never had one to begin with. She immediately went on to tell me that she was hoping to date a superior of mine at work she had met a while ago - more than ten years older than either of us, divorced, but he generally seems like a good guy. She reached this decision after only ever having three conversations with him, and not knowing if he had any interest in her. I didn't know she had a "type" that she went for, but evidently he's it and I'm not. She then said that I was her "best friend", but she never had any feelings for me (as often as she said she did), and that if I made any attempt at telling him that the two of us had been a couple, she would cajole my superior into getting me fired (something he had apparently offered to do to someone else she didn't like, albeit in jest). She said that she'd never considered me relationship material, but just didn't want to tell me that until we were moving. I was just "too young and immature" for her (there's a three year age difference, and we're both mid-late 20s). She said this under the pretext of sparing my feelings.

 

This all came out in the space of a few minutes, and needless to say, I was more or less devastated. I'd been through some bad breakups before, but this trumps them. Evidently, I've misjudged this person for well over a year. Her friends, who I thought had become our mutual friends, apparently have no interest in talking to me. I've since pieced together that I was among the last to know about this, with only me and her parents being in the dark. Her choice of how to conduct our relationship, how to end it, and who she's decided to pursue all seem tailor made to mess with my head. It all calls to mind a certain saying about nice guys finishing last, or being boiled alive, or something. I guess this is a sympathy call, but I don't really have a whole ton of people with whom to talk about this, seeing as she was my "best friend" and all. I never wanted to believe the worst about her. I know I set myself up to some extent, and there were signs that are a whole lot easier to see in hindsight. I just can't believe how painful and manipulative this ended up being, to say nothing of the potential future drama. I was prepared for a rejection or a "let's just be friends" talk months ago, but not this, and not now. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing I would have done to someone I called my "best friend". Any thoughts are welcome - I appreciated the support and advice I got from my last post. I have a general idea for how to deal with my feelings now, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

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I'm not saying you should tell your boss. But if you were to do so, a good way to do it would be to ask for time off for personal reasons; say that a relationship you were in ended, girl was cruel breaking up, need a few days to pick up the pieces. "You may know her: she's SoAndSo".

 

Not that you should. But if you wanted to, this could be how. heh heh.

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Lamprey- Well, it's not my boss, just someone at work who is in a position of greater power and authority than I am. And it's not as if they're dating - at this point, it seems to be little more than attraction, and she doesn't even know if it goes both ways. I'm not genuinely concerned for my job, I just felt that this was a particularly painful thing to say to me - making threats that her new interest could get me fired, and with no prompting to boot.

 

This would be a lot easier for me if I could remove any feelings I had for this woman, but I can't. I have no real interest in sabotaging her life now or any future relationships she has. It's pretty obvious that our relationship, as friends or otherwise, is over. Going over my old post, I'm reminded of how much I cared for her, how well we got along, and how much hope I had. I'm looking to mend my wounds and move on, not get bogged down in whatever drama her life may contain in the near future. I know bitterness and cynicism both aren't really viable options, but It's going to be difficult for me to deal with anyone, friends or lovers, the same way. One more example for the long list of the dangers of trust.

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I am very sorry that she turned out to be such a witch and a user. It is very painful to be betrayed like this and to have someone insult you. I know it is easy to say that this is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of the kind of person she really is...but you already know that. How do you get through the incredible pain of being deceived and being used...just one day at a time. Eventually the pain will ease. Just don't brand all women the same way...there are so many nice women out there...not all of them are witches like your ex. Hang in there and just give it time.

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I think that the role reversal here is pretty apparent.

 

She knows how to date - without attaching. She knows how to enjoy what is between someone - without making it into something she doesn't want.

 

You two living together, sharing a financial arrangement and living quarters...that would have had to be discussed as to how that would be affected - should sleeping together, kissing, and meeting family not work out. It wasn't.

 

So now that there is no living together - there will be nothing else together.

Most people dont' get into a relationship to have what they have already obtained and created on thier own - sharing it with someone else.

 

She wants "more" in her life that she has on her own abilities and options right now - and she's going to date to expand her horizons and her views.

 

She didnt' want to get into a conflicting hassle about this - until you two weren't going to be living together and splitting the bills.

 

You've thought you two were 'growing closer" - she was enjoying the moments you spent together but not considering them as an investment or a building block in something more permanent.

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Well Excalibur, I understand that now about her. The thing is, we both know how to date. Neither of us were children when this got started. And we did grow closer - we went from being fairly aloof roommates to friends, to being the kind of friends that share deep personal conversations and pain, to something other than that. I'm not sure what "role reversal" means in this context, but I really would like to hear what you mean. I certainly wasn't looking for a "friends with benefits" sort of situation, and I don't think she was either. That wasn't the way we approached it. We discussed continuing to co-habitate after relocation became important, but her answer was always to move home based on financial need and a desire to be with her family, who could really use her help at home with problems of their own. I like them, and they seem to like me (her mom especially has been in my corner for some time). She told me about how much she wanted me around at her home, and about all the things we could do together then. I was capable of moving out of the apartment at any time - neither of us were locked into that living situation.

 

I most likely wouldn't have attempted a relationship with her if she hadn't been the first to cross the line. I'm aware of the distinction between friends and lovers. We didn't end up together by accident - I pursued her, but not until I had already agonized over the potential of losing a friend if the relationship didn't work out. There was discussion early on of what would happen if things didn't work out. I was prepared for a "let's just be friends" talk when this got started, but that's not what happened. We could have stayed friends, and avoided all of this in the process. Waiting to tell me until after I had already long since made my intentions clear, and after allowing things to reach the point that they did, was far from the best way to handle it. Keeping someone around in ignorance to fill a temporary need and being dishonest until the next opportunity presents itself is not the right thing to do. It's immature at best, and downright evil at worst. I made it perfectly clear early on that we could have recognized what happened as a mistake and gone on being good friends. That was more than six months ago, and a lot has happened since then under the pretense of a relationship. I guess she just liked the attention. And the comment about "expanding her horizons" would make more sense if she wasn't essentially going after the same kind of person that made her swear off of relationships much earlier in her life, as she told me once before in agonizing detail. It wasn't a matter of her telling me to get out of her life - she still wants to be friends, or at least says she does, and she seems fairly serious about it. I'm certainly not interested in that right now, and I don't think I'll ever be after the way things ended up.

 

Thanks, crazyaboutdogs. I've been in a similar situation before with a relationship ending, but I wasn't expecting it from this person. I've found myself reluctant in the past to simply focus on what "horrible people" my exes have been, I still don't want to do that now. This wouldn't be nearly as hurtful if I could just focus on the bad things, but... well, you know.

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HEre's the thing- while neither of you might have intended ot have this casual relationship end as a reason to start it- a relationship isn't a goal - it's not a lab experiment, etc.

 

It was both of you wanting to see if you were compatible - while in phases of transition and self-growth.

 

She determined that you weren't enough of what she wanted in her life - it was that simple.

 

People that being association while in transition and self-evolution can hardly be expected to be making commitments today - while they're not sure what they really want tomorrow.

 

IT's all about right now - while in transition.

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