I am really hurting

[waterbottle]

I have sort of an odd tale, so let me give a little background. A year and a half ago I weighed 410 lbs. I decided that this was unacceptable for someone in their mid 20s and decided to lose the weight, and have done well so far. Right now I am in the 260s and dropping. One of the most powerful things I gained from the experience was the love of a beautiful girl. She moved accross the country to live with me, as she had lost weight too and we had very similar interests.

 

She stayed with me for about 4 months, for those four months we were never apart. We had a few tiffs here and there, but our communication with each other was spot on and we resolved any conflicts withing 10-15 minutes of having them. She however was very frustrated with the job market here and decided to take a recurring summer position for a place she's worked before, on the other side of the country.

 

As you can imagine my relationship skills are that of a teenager, because when you weigh 400 lbs you don't have relationships, thus I am starting all of this a decade late, but lately I am completely wracked with insecurity and jealousy and to top those off, guilt for feeling this way because I know I shouldn't.

 

I am even going to see her very soon, for a 2 week vacation, yet as the date grows nearer I grow more and more anxious and apprehensive.

 

I guess I have a multi-headed problem, the 1500 mile distance being but one of the parts. I am jealous that she is out having fun every single night of the week, and I am stuck in a place that doesn't change. I cannot stop imagining that one night she'll be at one of the numerous parties or gatherings she goes to during the week there will be drinking and she will meet someone else. I know this probably won't happen, but god help me if i can't stop thinking about it. Another thing that bothers me about it is that the vast majority of her friends are guys, which I don't know how to deal with.

 

A friend I was talking this over with put it this way to me, drunkenly I'll admit, "she might have 30 guy friends, but she's ****ing you dude," which is true and comforting, yet does nothing to put me at ease.

 

Another thing that is really upsetting me lately is that we had been talking on the phone every day, but this week she's gotten extremely busy with different adventures and get togethers and we hadn't talked for 3 days. So my juvenile mind sat and harped on it for hours blaming myself for the lack of communication in ways I didn't know I could be blamed. Everything from she is too busy for me off having fun, she's probably having sex right now and has been for the rest of the 3 days too, she doesn't like me as much anymore, I am not important to her anymore, etc... the list goes on. I find this hurts almost as much or more than the jealousy.

 

So......

How can I deal with these insecurities? Is there anything I can do? Am I going insane? I feel like this whole ordeal is tearing me apart from the inside out. She won't be back until October, so after my vacation out there, I won't see her again for 3 months, as of now she's only been gone one. I seriously do not know how I can deal with this for 3 months, I am already at my wit's end.

[HopeDaryl]

First off, congrats on losing weight. You took your life back and that is something to be proud of. A weaker person would have rolled over and quit along time ago.

 

It's tough because you were in the position where confidence was at an all time low and you were having a hard time loving yourself much less finding someone to love you back.

 

Distance is never easy but rest assured your heart is in the right place. You obviously care for this person a lot and you want her to know how much you think about her when she is gone. This is great because is reaffirms that you truly care about being with her and that you have found something great. This can also be a burden because you can drive yourself mad thinking she is up to everything. ITS MADDENING

 

However, remember she is doing everyday things too with everyday worries. She is working, being busy and probably worrying about what you are doing too.

 

I would go do something different, I know it sounds cliche but wreck your routine. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, do a class at the gym, do yoga, learn a karate class, learn something you have always been interested in. Trust me if you make a list, you could find a thousand things you have always wanted to do but thought you did not have the time.

 

Go running, workout, get the endorphins going. Write a journal, blog, whatever. KEEP BUSY. If you just sulk and sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you are going to go nuts. Get out a live a little.

 

You got your life back, you should be very proud, I would be doing back flips if I did something like that. Trust me, your girl would not want you to just sit around and wait up for her and worry about her. Just know you care about her, she cares about you and if it's a true thing, it will work out and you will get over this obstacle.

 

Stay busy man.

[aforethought]

well done with the weight issue!

but about your problem, i think i understand what your going through fairly well. i can see this position from both your and your girlfriends perspective because ive been through both. firstly, i get pretty down about the distance pretty often, and my boyfriend copes better than me (or seems to) and he goes out a lot. and although he doesnt hang out with many guys i still get the exact same feelings as you. we text throughout the day and if he doesnt text me back when i know he's with his friends i get insanely jealous. and sometimes i dont have much of a social life so i find myself sitting around thinking about all the fun he's having while im stuck at home with my crappy life. so i see that side of it.

 

but then sometimes i go out, and i have quite a large number of male friends (i just seem to get along better with guys, less * * * * * ing and hassles), so anyway, when i go out with my friends which is probably 5 girls and 5 guys, my boyfriend gets bitter and jealous, often making remarks via text like 'so, are you having sex with anyone?' which are passed off as jokes but i know theyre a product of his insecurities. and as much as a reassure him, he still gets jealous.

 

i think jealousy is just something that comes along with a relationship like this and its not just going to go away. i think the best thing to do is talk to your friends often, on the phone or meet up to hang out. it really takes your mind off it. also, try to have gatherings or parties with your friends as often as you can. or even a movie night or lunch meet-up. i find that being with my friends is the best remedy for the pain and jealousy - i know from experience. value your friends, they are the only reason i am able to cope with my lonliness.

 

also, do things for yourself, anything you enjoy doing - do it! try not to think or talk about your lonliness and jealousy constantly, it only makes it harder to bear. i think the best thing to do is surround yourself with positive company, it really does work wonders.

 

best of luck