shyguy1 Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I want to be happy.... I want to enjoy life.... While I'm never going to be 'the life of the party' or a social butterfly so to speak, I want to have something resembling a social life... instead of sitting on the computer every night and doing nothing else but working. You would think that this would be an easy journey to embark on, that something will snap inside of me and that I would then start to make these changes. If only that were truly the case... Instead I'm left pondering why I go out of my way to kill off any and all chances for a better life for myself. Anytime I start to seriously consider therapy, I end up backing out and convincing myself that it wouldn't do any good and that I don't need it anyway. The truth of the matter is that I know deep down inside... therapy would be beneficial for me. Having acknowledged that, why is it that I constantly sabotage it, before even giving it a chance?!? Could it be that I'm afraid of bearing my soul for a complete stranger? Could it be that I'm afraid that therapy is going to turn me into something that I'm not? Honestly I'm not even fully sure myself. What I do know is the following: I know that loving oneself is important, as is being content with being alone. I however qualify for neither, I don't love myself.. not even close and I am certainly way way too lonely to be content in my current single status. The later case.. the failure to be content being single is confounded by the fact that I constantly have to see my roommate with girls. He goes through 'girlfriends' like a junkie goes through heroin. Just tonight he came home from work with his off again... on again.. off again.. on again... off again.. on again psycho girlfriend (I say psycho only because he's *broken things off* about 8 or 9 times now and then she starts calling and bugging him to the point of looking like a stalker and then he falls back into the trap.. seriously it's like a bad soap opera).. Anyway as they are upstairs likely doing 'adult' things like having sex (must be nice, feel almost like I'm stuck in perpetual kiddy mode still being a virgin at this point) I can't help but feel feelings of jealousy and contempt for both of them. Not that I find this particular girl attractive... not in the least, but just the fact that it's an option for my roommate... ok actually I hear them arguing.. these two people need to stay away from one another and make it last this time... but I'm sure they will have make up sex afterword. Anyway I know that's a topic I focus on a lot... but my loneliness with no end in sight and the fact that the odds are strongly against me ever meeting someone is in a lot of ways the single biggest cause of my depression. I managed to get sidetracked there, I find that happens a lot to me. Where was I? Oh yeah things I know.... I know that happiness would be nice.... but I also know that... I very well for reasons unbeknown to myself... continue to ambush that possibility ever happening. I'm at the point in my life where I question whether or not I'll ever be happy, I wish I could be one of those people who can just be naturally cheerful and energetic about life. Instead I'm quite melancholy and not wanting to live past the next four or five years at most. What I *don't* know but would like to.. is just why I constantly fight change and things like therapy and/or medication. Maybe just maybe had I gotten help 10 or 15 years ago, I would currently be a vastly different person, living a vastly different.... happier life. Instead I often ponder the possibility of being too far gone and due to more or less being defeated, never being able to fully commit to actions that may result in positive reactions. Link to comment
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