Why is being happy so hard for me?

[shyguy1]

I want to be happy....

 

I want to enjoy life....

 

While I'm never going to be 'the life of the party' or a social butterfly so to speak, I want to have something resembling a social life... instead of sitting on the computer every night and doing nothing else but working.

 

You would think that this would be an easy journey to embark on, that something will snap inside of me and that I would then start to make these changes.

 

If only that were truly the case...

 

Instead I'm left pondering why I go out of my way to kill off any and all chances for a better life for myself. Anytime I start to seriously consider therapy, I end up backing out and convincing myself that it wouldn't do any good and that I don't need it anyway.

 

The truth of the matter is that I know deep down inside... therapy would be beneficial for me. Having acknowledged that, why is it that I constantly sabotage it, before even giving it a chance?!?

 

Could it be that I'm afraid of bearing my soul for a complete stranger?

 

Could it be that I'm afraid that therapy is going to turn me into something that I'm not?

 

Honestly I'm not even fully sure myself.

 

What I do know is the following:

 

I know that loving oneself is important, as is being content with being alone.

 

I however qualify for neither, I don't love myself.. not even close and I am certainly way way too lonely to be content in my current single status.

 

The later case.. the failure to be content being single is confounded by the fact that I constantly have to see my roommate with girls. He goes through 'girlfriends' like a junkie goes through heroin. Just tonight he came home from work with his off again... on again.. off again.. on again... off again.. on again psycho girlfriend (I say psycho only because he's *broken things off* about 8 or 9 times now and then she starts calling and bugging him to the point of looking like a stalker and then he falls back into the trap.. seriously it's like a bad soap opera)..

 

Anyway as they are upstairs likely doing 'adult' things like having sex (must be nice, feel almost like I'm stuck in perpetual kiddy mode still being a virgin at this point) I can't help but feel feelings of jealousy and contempt for both of them. Not that I find this particular girl attractive... not in the least, but just the fact that it's an option for my roommate... ok actually I hear them arguing.. these two people need to stay away from one another and make it last this time... but I'm sure they will have make up sex afterword.

 

Anyway I know that's a topic I focus on a lot... but my loneliness with no end in sight and the fact that the odds are strongly against me ever meeting someone is in a lot of ways the single biggest cause of my depression.

 

I managed to get sidetracked there, I find that happens a lot to me. Where was I?

 

Oh yeah things I know....

 

I know that happiness would be nice....

 

but I also know that...

 

I very well for reasons unbeknown to myself... continue to ambush that possibility ever happening.

 

I'm at the point in my life where I question whether or not I'll ever be happy, I wish I could be one of those people who can just be naturally cheerful and energetic about life.

 

Instead I'm quite melancholy and not wanting to live past the next four or five years at most.

 

What I *don't* know but would like to.. is just why I constantly fight change and things like therapy and/or medication.

 

Maybe just maybe had I gotten help 10 or 15 years ago, I would currently be a vastly different person, living a vastly different.... happier life.

 

Instead I often ponder the possibility of being too far gone and due to more or less being defeated, never being able to fully commit to actions that may result in positive reactions.

[lust4life]

Being happy is hard for a lot of people b/c it takes a ton of effort.

 

You are dead on when you say you have to start with yourself, & just go to therapy. I too, have come to the conclusion that I will start therapy within this month. Like you, I thought I could just snap out of it on my own & have been trying for years, but you've gotta look at how that's working for you. It's not.

 

I see a lot of your unhappiness is solely in how you compare to others. How you're still a virgin, how you don't have much of a social life (you see how this is a perspective that you think others have much bigger social lives).

 

& if you are truly unhappy with these things not b/c of comparing yourself with others, then it's going to take a lot of work to change things. It's not easy, nothing is, but it is totally possible. Therapy will be able to provide you with some of the tools to help you, and the tools to find yourself so that you can be successful in other pursuits in your life. Personally, I look forward to being okay by myself the most.

[lust4life]

I'm up b/c I'm having a particularly hard time tonight as well, so feel free to talk more about what's bugging you

[shyguy1]

Don't know what else to really say.

 

I sound like a broken record at this point, as I've been posting messages of this nature since I joined this site... and I imagine that had to be nearly two years ago.

 

I'm sure people are sick of it by this point.

 

Not sure I should have even started this topic.

 

Oh well screw it... here goes.

 

Do I tend to compare myself to others? Yes... quite often actually. If it's not my roommate.. it's my best friend.. if it's not my best friend it's my little brother.

 

The X factor is that they all have things I desperately crave for myself.

 

Companionship first and foremost... and in the case of my roommate and my little brother, beautiful children.

 

I often fear that I will never experience parenthood and it hurts big time.

 

In a day and age full of deadbeat dads, I would be the most loving and caring father in the world, however due to a cruel twist of fate.. I would put my odds of ever seeing this come to pass at less than 5 percent.

 

Going back to the lack of social skills and the loneliness.. I've not gone on a single date in over a decade and I've not been in a relationship in 12 years. The loneliness is overbearing and I feel like there's literally a massive hole in my heart.

 

It clearly goes beyond comparing myself to others though... I'm in dire need of help... help that I am both afraid to seek.. and perhaps too stubborn for at the same time.

 

I've battled severe depression... major shyness and a extreme lack of self esteem for as long as I can remember.

 

These feelings go all the way back to my early teens and I'm at the point where as much as it hurts, I've somewhat accepted them as being part of my very existence.

 

I'm at the point where simply getting through is a daily struggle.

 

It would be nice if I were never born, but seeing how I can't flip a switch and go back to a time prior to my birth... I instead wish I would simply cease to exist.

 

I often find myself wondering about suicide, I don't think I could ever actually go through with it.. not because I don't want to... all things being equal, I would kill myself tonight... I don't see myself ever doing it because despite how much I want to and how much I hate myself and life as a whole.. I have equal love for my family and to a lessor extent my friends.

 

I lost my mother to stomach cancer back in early 2003.

 

I saw the toll it took on my father and my little sister who was only 6 and a half at the time.

 

Despite my pain and my desire to permanently check out, I can't get myself to put them through that again.

 

So the result is my being stuck in a situation known as life, all the while wishing I wasn't... all because I would rather be perpetually miserable.. than hurt my baby sister like that.

 

The average person could never fathom what it's like to get to this point, to get so low and the point of so much hopelessness that you would rather be dead.

 

I'll simply say it's not a very pleasant feeling and leave it at that.

[lust4life]

Therapy will be a great help to you. Although, you've got to want to change your attitudes. You're going to have to force yourself to think that life is okay even when you want to dwell on all the things that you don't have. Therapy will give you helpful new ideas & perspectives, but you have to want to keep on keepin on.

 

And as for suicide, I know it seems so easy, but as you've said others depend on you for your love.

 

Don't ever think that you won't be a father. You need to use this time to focus on yourself and then to focus on others.

You aren't anywhere near ready for a meaningful relationship, b/c you will rely on them for your happiness.

[lust4life]

Btw I've had severe depression since I was a young teen as well. How do you try to relieve your pain?

[shyguy1]

Btw I've had severe depression since I was a young teen as well. How do you try to relieve your pain?

 

Good question... some would say through drinking, though those people simply don't understand that a person can enjoy a well made craft beer or Belgian beer for the taste and nothing more.

 

Honestly I really don't try to relieve it, I simply deal with it the best I can.... which isn't very well at all.

 

As for not being ready for a relationship I know your right, doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

To touch base on something else you mentioned... that being not ever thinking that I won't be a father...

 

Why should I think that I will, when there's overwhelming evidence that says otherwise?

 

Anyway I've got a bit of a headache... I think I'm letting stress get to me a little too much and so I'm going to go watch some old Seinfeld reruns and try to go to sleep.

 

I will consider therapy, but seeing how I have considered it at numerous times in my life and never go through with it... odds are this won't be any different.

 

At this point I honestly think it's going to take an intervention of sorts from friends and/or family to get me into therapy.

 

I want to end by thanking you for your responses, it shows that you are a caring person and willing to help those in need.

 

Great qualities to have.....

 

Edit:

 

I'm on here at least once or twice every day, so feel free to send me a private message sometime.. especially since you too battle depression. I hate to see others go through depression themselves and I always do what I can to help them.

[lust4life]

You shouldn't ever say or think never. B/c time has a funny way of playing out. People are having children later & later in life anyways.

 

But yes you should get some sleep to feel better.

 

& I hope you go to therapy to help yourself, I know how tough the decision can be, but what you're doing isn't working.

 

Anyways have a good night & I hope you start feeling better soon

[heavenearth]

First of all congratulation for realizing you have to break out of the shell and find something better for your life, it's a positive step to take.

 

From what I gathered you may have confidence issue and are a little judgmental.

 

What your flatmate and his girlfriend do is their business. Them having lots of sex and difficulties with relationship doesn't make you better than they are. Here you are trying to learn the art of living you life happily, you stumbled, I'm sure they have their rights to stumble too. Keep low on over-analyzing people and situations.

 

Also there's a lot of "I know ..." maybe what you can do is getting rid of this mindset. If you already know so much about people and things, how will you open yourself up to new things, people and new friends? Empty your cup and let new things flow into your life.

 

It might take hard work but hey, you can do almost anything you set your mind to.

[heavenearth]

"At this point I honestly think it's going to take an intervention of sorts from friends and/or family to get me into therapy."

 

The difference between a hero and a passerby is a hero would just do what is right, while a passerby would just stand there and wait for somebody else to come and save the day. Today, you'll just have to be your own hero.

 

What if they don't intervene, who's going to save you? You can still ask for their help and supports though, they're there for you but you'll have to take steps.

[Yodabell]

I've never felt as bad about myself for long periods of time as you are describing, but I've never really liked myself and I can understand how you could get to the point you're at.

 

I've been to therapy and it has totally changed my life - or, it has helped me to change my life. I'm starting to like me now, without needing a b/f or a guy to give me attention to show that I'm ok. Once I started to understand and work on the reasons why I've had such unhealthy thinking patterns, it's been really exciting to work to change them and to feel so differently about things.

 

So - I think therapy, and the right therapist, will be a wonderful first step for you. Yes, it's scary at first. But think of it this way - you could just tell yourself that you'll go 3 times. That way, it's not permanent, it means you can stop if it's awful, and you are just trying something new. So, make yourself a promise that you will go 3 times and then decide whether to go another 3.

 

There are also some great books that may help you. 'Loving what is' by Byron Katie is one.

 

Something that has made a huge difference for me is to start appreciating what I do have - rather than what I don't. Your posts suggest that you focus alot on what others have and what you don't. Other people are in their story, and you are in your story. You can only live your own story, and it will help you to start to appreciate it.

 

You mention a little sister who you love. Wow! What a great start - you have a sibling, a little sister, who is special to you. That is a lucky thing to have. You also have somewhere to live, and you have mentioned a friend and a brother. Think what you like about those people and why you appreciate that they are in your life. Maybe think of 1 thing that you can do for those people to acknowledge how much you appreciate them - and watch how much that means to them. It doesn't have to be bbig - maybe a hug for your sister, something like that.

 

It's the small, little changes that will change how you feel. There is no X factor, no big thunderclap. If you focus on 'I must have a child to be happy' - then that will make you feel worse. How about 'I feel really down right now, what can I do to be a tiny bit happier in this moment'? Something as simple as a nice cup of tea, a visit to your friend, a call to your sister, may be all it takes.

 

And sometimes, when you contact the people you love to help yourself feel better - ask them and find out about their day and how they are doing. I've found that focussing on others sometimes automatically makes me feel better because afterwards i realise I've learnt something more about another person and I've maybe been able to help them out or make a small difference to their day.

 

Take care and all the best

[shyguy1]

First off thanks for the props.. although let the record be set straight... I've not yet commited to getting help. I think I should, but I've always felt I should and never have.

 

I tend to lack motivation and have been down in the dumps for such an extended period, that quite honestly it becomes harder and harder to even care enough to get the needed help.

 

Now then:

 

To say that I have confidence issues, would be a massive massive understatement. More like no confidence to speak of... not even the tiniest bit.

 

Am I judgemental? To a certain degree yes... I have a low tolerance for things like ignorance and stupid people and I would be lying if I said that I didn't resent people that have what I want... whether it be more money... success with females... the list goes on and on. I'm not proud of these thought patterns, but hey they are true and perhaps something to focus on if I do seek out therapy.

 

In terms of my roommate and his girlfriend.. I just get annoyed with the whole we are together.. we aren't together.. we are.. we aren't. Not to mention one day she will call and he will get mad about me saying he's not there.... even when he really is and thus missing her call, all while the next day getting mad when I do bring him the phone. It's like he expects me to be psychic and know which way his mood and their relationship is going (an impossible task since it sways with the wind so much.

 

Furthermore I'm a little annoyed by the fact that he's had and continues to have other girls over. I see them snuggle and watch movies on the couch, can only imagine what else goes on. I feel cheated to an extent.. my roommate is overall a good guy and to be fair if he and his on and off again girlfriend could ever decide to stick with it, I doubt he would have these other girls over.

 

The fact remains though that he does and going back to the aforementioned feeling cheated..... here I am a nice guy who would have no problem staying commited to one girl and girls won't give me the time of the day. He's gotten better about it... but has been known as a player of sorts and the type to use girls, yet he continues to get them with ease. It's unfair at best, criminal at worst... yet I become more and more convinced that it's what women want.

 

I would love to become happy and comfortable in my own skin one day, but in reality life's not a fairy tale. I have multiple reasons to think that even if I were to get a better mindset and be in a 'better' place emotionally and mentally, I would still focus to a certain extent on what I don't have and what I've missed out on.

 

It's basic human nature to want to love and be loved... to have someone in your life that completes you as a person. In the absense of that I don't feel I'll ever be truly happy, even with all the therapy and/or medication in the world.

 

Sadly I don't think my prospects are going to increase enough in this regard, no matter how much my outlook changes for the better. I'm basically going to die not knowing what something like sex and intimacy is and much more importantly having never felt love and all the glory that goes along with it.

 

A negative outlook? Well of course... but also what I would consider to be a realistic one.

 

 

 

Thanks for the well thought out reply. I wish I could say that I had commited to therapy, but in doing so would be lying.

 

I can say that I'm 'considering' it and I certainly have yet to rule it out.

 

I do like the 3 times idea, can't believe I've never thought of it myself. That would make things a lot easier for me and potientially make me much more likely to give it a shot.

 

I mentioned in my above reply to the other quote, that I don't think I'll ever be happy given all the therapy and/or meds in the world, given the absense of a relationship and intimacy.

 

Perhaps a more accurate assesement would be this:

 

I could *possibly* be happy without these things, though at the same time there would always be that little hole in my heart and the curiosity about what I've missed out and continue to miss out on.

 

Focusing on what I do have is another good idea, though I don't have much to really focus on. I make decent money, but I do it at a job that I can't stand. Umm I have a nice computer and a kick ass 500 dollar Dyson Vacuum Cleaner

 

Shooting low there, but it's a start of things that I have.... Seriously though can't think of many material things that I have, but I do have cool friends and a loving family and that counts for something.

 

That leads me to this last point, you mention letting my loved ones know that I care about them.... this is something I truly need to work on, because right now I'm so focused on my own wants and desires.. that I don't do nearly enough in this regard.

 

Hopefully I can start doing so and in turn have it make me that much happier, like it seems to do for you.

 

In closing I wanted to wish you continued luck with your own therapy and continued happiness.

[jenny_mcs]

I think at this point your unhappiness & loneliness feels familiar to you. You will have to accept the fact that taking the steps to get what you long for will mean going through several uncomfortable steps- therapy, turning off your computer, not drinking, talking to people you don't know very well, trying new activities, etc.

 

The life you want isn't going to show up on your doorstep some day. You have to go out and find it. Tomorrow instead of turning on your computer, go for a walk (no mp3 player) and say hi to 3 people.

[shyguy1]

I think at this point your unhappiness & loneliness feels familiar to you. You will have to accept the fact that taking the steps to get what you long for will mean going through several uncomfortable steps- therapy, turning off your computer, not drinking, talking to people you don't know very well, trying new activities, etc.

 

The life you want isn't going to show up on your doorstep some day. You have to go out and find it. Tomorrow instead of turning on your computer, go for a walk (no mp3 player) and say hi to 3 people.

 

Going for a walk.... ugh.

 

Just kidding it wouldn't be that bad and is honestly a great idea.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with the uncomfortable comment... Deep down inside I think it's fear that's stopping me from trying things like therapy.

 

Don't get me wrong I don't think it would work, though that in part due to the fact that I'm a skeptic by nature. I can't help it... until I see something work, I tend to not think that it will.

 

The only part I don't agree with is the drinking part.

 

I feel people on here are under the impression that I drink a lot more than what I actually do because I've mentioned things like beer a few times on here and my picture used in my avitar.

 

While there are exceptions, the majority of the time I don't drink to get drunk and when I do drink it's simply because I like the taste of a well made beer.

 

I average around once a week or two and usually less than a six pack at a time. Do I have weeks where I drink more? Sure.... but it's the exception rather than the rule.

 

Perfect example... I'm taking a vacation week from work and have been since Friday. I drank a few beers Sunday night.. but have yet to drink any other nights and other than going to have a few beers with a co worker who just turned 21 last week on Thursday, don't plan on doing so.

[bulletproof]

I don't think people are commenting on the drinking because they think you have a problem with alcohol, per se. I think that the issue with drinking at all is that it's a depressant, in any amount. So logically speaking, if you are severely depressed, it really doesn't make a lot of sense to pour liquid depressant into your body. Also, the time you spend drinking, whether it's two nights a week or seven, is time that could probably be better spent considering the magnitude of the issues you have to tackle.

 

But what I really wanted to say is something I've posted on these boards many times. What you are terming being "realistic" is actually being negative. It's easy to say you are just being realistic about potential outcomes, but the fact is that you can't predict the future. You may think you can guess the future based on the past and present, but that's not really true.

 

It's kind of crazy to think that your entire life could change if you made one phone call to a therapist, but you won't. The power to perhaps be happy is right there, right in front of you. You just have to make one small move.

[shyguy1]

Fair enough on the drinking and it does make sense.

 

I do feel that my thought pattern is realistic, I base this on the fact no one is more qualified than oneself to know the future prospects they have.

 

Perhaps I can't predict the future, though it's reasonable to assume based on past experience what's likely to happen.

 

I've got a lot working against me... my advancing virginity (sure some girls would be ok with it, but it is akin to finding a needle in a haystack?)... my shyness... my depression.. my lack of social skills.

 

I really need to commit to therapy. I'm open minded enough to suggest than in doing so, I may be wrong and it might make a bigger difference than what I expect it to make.

 

Heck I hope that it does go far beyond my expectations and I come out of it a changed person with a better future. Nothing would please me more.

[joebloggs]

Twenty eight years old is not OLD. You are still very young and have a lot to look forward to, but what you must be careful about is letting life pass you by. The next ten years will go very quickly. I know it may not feel like it at this moment, but your twenties are some of the best years of your life. That is the end of the sermon.

 

OK, some practical advice.

 

Stop the drinking. Like other people have said alcohol is a depressant and it will make you feel worse.

 

Ensure you get some physical exercise. This will go some way to elevating your mood.

 

It is clear from your posts that you are intelligent and eloquent. Try and build on that. Focus upon the positive attributes you have.

 

Ensure you are eating a good diet. You are what you eat.

 

I have never experienced therapy, I couldn’t comment on how useful it would be but as other people have mentioned, give it a go. If it works, great, if not, at least you tried it, tick if off the list and move on.

 

Life will get better. Doors will start to open and YOU WILL BE OK.

 

The most important thing is don’t give up. Keep fighting this and things will get better. You need to be stubborn and don’t back down from your problems. I don’t want to appear patronising, but it will make you a stronger person in the long run.