I don't know if I should leave him...

[SweetiePie05]

I've posted a little about my current situation on here before, but now I really feel at a lost and would really like your imput, I don't know what else to do.

 

My boyfriend lost is dad in december 07 and his mom has lung cancer right now. So he's going through a lot. He's only 23. I want to be there for him, but I know sometimes he needs his space. But it seems every time we talk he gets mad at me. Lately he hasn't been responding to my texts or answering my phone calls, he always has an excuse for not being able to see me as well.

 

I understand he may want to stay home cuz he doesn't want to leave his mom, so if I want to see him, I have to go to his house (30 min drive). I understand that he takes his fustrations out on me too. But it's getting to the point where I don't know if I want to be with him anymore.

 

I don't want to leave him now cause I want to be there for him while he is going through this, but he constantly is mad at me and won't talk to me. Today he was talking about how he has to cook for himself and wash his own clothes (something his mom did for them) and I told him that's good cuz he needs to know how to do thoes things, she can't keep doing it he's 23 years old....and he totally flip out on me and hung up on me. I called him back to apologize and he hung up on me again.

 

I just REALLY don't know what to do right now. We are starting to fall appart. When he's mad he says I'm not being there for him and I only think about myself. I'm so confused and hurt right now. Me and his mom are close and it hurts so much that that is coming to an end, I wanted her to be my mom. And when he cuts me off and doesn't talk to me....I have no clue what's going on with her. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore, he is so mean and hurtful.

[nutbrownhare]

Here are just a few thoughts ... the healthy reaction to a bereavement is to be angry with the person who died. Very few people can do this, and the anger and sense of helplessness gets dumped on other people. Your boyfriend IS going through a lot at the moment, and he is very young. By the sound of it, not very mature either.

 

It sounds as though you're a dumping ground for all his fear, anger and helplessness. Question is, do you want to be? He says that you only think about yourself. Actually, it might be an idea to start thinking about your own well-being because nobody else can do this for you. You CAN be there for him, but it might be an idea to back off and let him contact you rather than you being the one who is always trying to get things moving.

 

By the way, is there any reason why you can't be in direct contact with his mom, if she is an important person to you?

[LanceVanceDance]

You should tell him what you posted here and discuss it with him. Even if he's going through a lot, it's certainly not your fault and he has no business releasing his anger on you. Tell him you're willing to be there for him but he needs to get a grip and treat you with more respect and consideration. No one enjoys being treated like s--- for no reason, no matter what the circumstances are... he should be able to understand that.

[Blayzn]

In my personal opinion, I don't think you should leave him. He is going through so much right now, and he just may not know how to handle it. It's alot on a person (not that I have went through it). Should he act like this towards you? No, he shouldn't. But he may not know any other way right now. I don't know how I would react if I was put in his situation. You should just tell him how you're feeling about all this. Be understanding and sympathetic, but don't let him do and say these things without letting him know how you feel. Maybe try to give him more space if need be. Let him know that if he needs you for anything, you will be there for him no problem. If he continues to be this way after he has had time to heal, then maybe you should consider other options.

[Excalibur]

I don't think he sees himself as in a relationship of equality based option/obligation with you.

 

I think he's in a really bad family situation, he has lots of transition and upheaval, you're a shoulder to cry on, a body to sleep with on occasion - someone that is supposed to be there for him on his terms and for his needs - but wthout making demands or having expectations.

 

If you want to back off your availability and go live your own life more while he figures out which way is up, where he's headed, how he's going to get there - highly recommend it.

 

But you're not deserting him by ceasing to stand at the ready 24/7/365 in case he wants someone to lean on.

 

He's got anentire support network to lean on - but you sure shouldn't be making demands on him at this point.

[metrogirl]

Understandably he is going through emotional turmoil right now and sadly the first person they lash out on is the one trying to help the most.

 

He just lost his dad, he is about to lose his mother. He probably feels like he is going insane.

 

The part where you said he got mad about the cooking and washing clothes, I think you could have handled that part just a little more tactfully. I'm not saying you were wrong, I just think you may have to use a little more sensitivity in dealing with your boyfriend.

 

Next time he says something to that effect, you can say something like

"honey, I know you are going to miss having your mom do those things for you, I can show you how to wash your clothes or prepare simple meals when you are ready"

 

This shows that you are concerned about the little things that are bothering him as well.

 

Just my thoughts on the matter..

[SweetiePie05]

Thanks guys. I want to be there for him but every time I turn around he is pushing me away. I don't see how I can be there for him if every time we talk he ends up mad at me and not talking to me the next day. I really care about his mom a lot and I want to be there if something happens, but I have to go through him because I don't want to directly call her, she is in alot of pain and I doubt that she will want to talk. Me and her usually talk through email while she's at work, but she hasn't been to work in about a month.

 

Right now he got mad at me last night and is not talking to me today. Should I just leave him alone? I doubt he will call me first (never does) and I don't want the next time he calls me to be telling me it's all over. I want to be there. But he's not giving me the chance.

[Excalibur]

there's a difference between "I want to be there for you becuase I believe that puts me in a more aligned position with you and that's what I want"...and "I want to be there for you as you need me to be."

 

It honestly doesn't sound like he considered this a relationship of substance between you. A fling is a not a relationship. Hanging out and hooking up is great when there is nothing more vital to do.

[SweetiePie05]

 

It honestly doesn't sound like he considered this a relationship of substance between you. A fling is a not a relationship. Hanging out and hooking up is great when there is nothing more vital to do.

We have been together for the past 3 years....I don't think it's a fling. I'd hope not.

[Excalibur]

3 years doesn't mean anything really. It's how integrated you were into his world that he considers as a priority in his personal life - that's the point.

 

The man is not wanting to see you or deal with you right now. For whatever reason. And accepting that is critical if you're to be there appropriately foryourself and him....should the situation change.

 

But you two aren't living together, you odn't have comingled monies, you don't have children, you don't have anything but "dating" to use as a model for interaction.

 

He hasn't got time to date, he doesn't have time or energy to consider your feelings, your needs, your desires, your thoughts......and so he's not going to be doing it.