asking him to try again and to come back

[jenna981]

I would like to hear from some guys here, women too if you have any suggestions, but would like guy's views.. My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue 4 months ago and I still miss him everyday. We were pretty serious, considering getting married and he seemed to really be into me. Towards the end when he was breaking up with me I acted kinda desperate because I wanted to know the whys of the break up and all, and it probably made the situation worse. If you broke up with a girl and months later she called asking to work things out, have another go, to talk,etc.. What is the best approach without coming off desperate and scaring him away?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He broke up with you and nothing you said would change his mind. It is now 4 months later..have you had any contact with him in those 4 months? What makes you think he has changed his mind? Don't you think that if he had changed his mind he would have contacted you and told you he made a mistake breaking up with you? Are you prepared for rejection if you ask him and he says no..or even doesn't bother to respond to you? Do you know if he is seeing someone else?

[renaissancewoman101]

If you want to approach him, I would say "don't be clingy or desperate". If you want to see how the lay of the land is right now, I would call or email him and see how he's doing and maybe go from there. It's been four months. Unless you did something really heinous and evil, I don't think there should be bad blood between the both of you guys. But, be prepared, he may be dating someone right now too.

[deang]

if I broke up with a girl and 4 months later she wanted to get back together it would make me feel awkward and not want to even consider it. On the other hand, if you called to say hi and had a good excuse to meet up for coffee or a drink I might think about it...if I felt for a minute you wanted something from me that I wasn't prepared to give I would run for the hills. You would have to be truly over me I would think then I might feel safe to consider it if I wasn't dating someone else. Unfortunately, you need to get over the first break up before you can rekindle the flame otherwise he is going to sense it and run. I just get the sense that you aren't ready for this...you want it too bad...if you were over him you could just contact him out of curiosity and see what happened but you clearly have other ideas in mind...your best bet is to keep NC...the fastest I ever had a gf come back was after at least 6mo of STRICT NC.

[renaissancewoman101]

Deang, can a guy tell if you are wanting to meet because you want to get back together, or just for a "catching up". They really can sense that?

[deang]

I can...sometimes... but it's the way I act and then I gauge their response. If I can get the girl laughing and I can hear excitement in her voice then I know somethings up...if she's laid back and more casual then I think maybe it's just a friends thing. I usually throw out some test things...I don't do it on purpose it is just what I do then I can get a good idea of what's going on by the way she reacts....more businesslike then she just wants to have a nice dinner if she's flirty and fun or letting me call all the shots then I know something is up. Oh and if she starts reminiscing about the old times while we are laughing it up then that's a pretty good sign also. That's just on the phone...in person it's all about body language and eye contact. Then again I'm a pretty outgoing guy most of the time and have no fear if I have no emotional investment so I'll test the waters quickly and often; looking to see what is going on in her head.

[deang]

oh one point if it's an ex and I don't have any interest in them right now I won't get flirty...I won't even go there unless I know the emotional baggage from the past has been left home. I'll be the one that's more restrained. I'll be nice and make small talk and maybe a joke or two but nothing really flrty and fun. As far as eye contact, I probably won't make much unless I'm willing to see where this goes.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You can't scare him away because he is already away... and any approach that isn't reasonably honest about what you want is manipulative and could make him angry.

 

I think the best way to handle it is to let him know you are doing fine (and you aren't going to erupt into tears and pleading), but you still need to test the waters to see if he is interested.

 

If you approach it as if you are just friends and interested in nothing more, then you are misrepresenting what you really want. You will either break your heart by spending more time with him and re-discovering later he isn't interested, or he will feel manipulated like you played the 'let's be friends' card when what you really are trying to do is to manipulate him back into a relationship again.

 

My approach would be to keep it happy and light, and float a non-threatening question like 'you know, sometimes i really miss you and wonder if we couldn't try again... do you ever have those feelings too?'

 

And if he says no, you have the answer, and if he says yes or maybe, then it opens a dialogue and you can go from there.

[Mlost]

While I agree with BeStrong about not wanting to misrepresent yourself, not all of this has to come out in the first phone call or first get-together. I think that you should go with deang's advice and play it extremely cool. This is assuming that you are able to be cool. That means that you could conceivably take him or leave him. If you're at that spot, then you need to come to him from a standpoint of how great your life is and that you just want to hang out.

After that first get-together, if it goes well, then maybe you should ask BeStrong's question. But, if you ask that right off the bat, he will put up walls faster than East Berlin.

 

Good luck!

[deang]

I'm against any sort of relationship talk unless he starts it. I am speaking from a guy's point of view...maybe he's interested but not sure he wants it to be serious again...yet. If you pull the "do you ever think about getting back together" odds are you aren't going to talk to him soon...This exact thing happened to me just over 2 years ago...she started talking about why we never got serious and married and I talked to her once or twice but was freaked out about all the implications that sentence had. I went from a fun date with someone I was interested in right into commitment and all that it entails...I wasn't even sure how much I liked her anymore much less wanting to commit...and this was a girl that had dumped me a few years previously. I ran for the hills and didn't look back lol...whereas if she just kept it fun and light for a few months I could've gotten comfortable with the idea. I still say stay away and keep getting over him until you can do this without being hurt if he isn't even interested in hanging out.

[james_sx11]

If i had a ex contact me out the blue after 4 months - i'd be curious i suppose.

In fact - Friday night past i ended up with my ex ex who i havent seen or spoke with in just over 10 months. Was a bit awkward at first ( i had dumpred her)... but then she started talking about the guy she just dumped, and the guy was chasing... and asked me what i had been up to dating wise... once all that was out the way we got on brilliantly -

 

All i'll say is what would you feel if he started talking about stuff like that?

 

Also - in my latest breakup, i've seen the ex 3 times in 4 months... i always thought and built up in my head how bad i'd feel, but once i was with her - it was all cool and we just had good times. DONT bring up the relationship unless he does, PLAY it as cool as you can - you have a busy life, lots on and lots of plans for the future... Dont say your dating or not dating... let his imagination work for you!