Should we talk to her or leave it alone?

[Daligal83]

My two best friends from home and I now live in three different cities. Before it was just two different cities. Since we've graduated from college, we made a deal that we'd visit each city once a year so that we can see each other. So it used to be two trips per year and now it's three. We're having some problems though.

 

Just some background on the dynamics. I'll refer to them as friend A and friend B. A and B were friends for a few years before I came into the picture. A and I clicked and have been closer ever since. For awhile, B resented that closeness because I kind of took her spot, but we've since moved past that because it was middle school when this happened. A and I still remain extremely close and B is still kind of distant. A and B have had some rough times when they lived in the same city and haven't really recovered. B and I are fine, but not as close.

 

The visits are always fine once we're on them, but planning them is the problem. B always makes it seem like a huge burden to do this. Last time they came to see me and she acted this way. She couldn't possibly take a day off because she was taking all of her days off for weddings this summer. That's fine because a wedding is more important, but she makes it seem like she can't be bothered. Now we're actually going to see her, and she's still making it seem like such a burden. She acts negatively toward the whole thing. A and I are very flexible and find ways around the issues she brings up, but we feel like she doesn't actually want to do the visit. The way I see it, she's only doing it because she doesn't want to be left out.

 

And it goes beyond the visits too. We feel like she's not really invested in us anymore. I will admit that she makes more phone calls than we do, but she has NO clue what's going on with our lives. She can't remember the guy that A is dating (and got mad when I mentioned him because she thought A hadn't told her, but then A and I reminded her the whole conversation they had about him when they came to see me) or what she's going to school for in the fall. I tell her that my friend is pregnant (she met this friend during the visit) and she responds, "Am I supposed to know who that is?"

 

A and I feel like she's definitely grown apart from us a bit. She seems much closer and more invested with her other friends. That's fine, it happens. But I don't know if we should say something to her. I don't think it's fair for A and I to be feeling this way and talking about it without letting her know. I was thinking of during this trip to say something like, "I feel like every time we plan one of these trips you get very negative about the whole experience. We don't have many opportunities to see each other, so we have to create them. But when the negativity starts, it makes me feel like you'd rather not deal with the trip at all."

 

Other points, I live an hour from the city that we grew up in. When B goes home to see her mom, she doesn't even let me know that she'll be there. My parents still live there too and it'd be no problem. To me, that's just rude and another sign that she's not invested. And when I brought up the next trip to go see A, B's response was, "Like I can really afford to go there." Well none of us can really afford it, but that's what we agreed to do to maintain our friendships. If she doesn't want to do that anymore, I'd rather that she just bow out instead of dealing with this each time.

 

So my question is how to go about this. Do I say something? She'll get defensive and I don't want to hurt her or start a fight. But I also don't feel right with A and I talking about it and B not having a chance to say her part.

[Daligal83]

OK, I know this is a long post...but does anyone have any advice?

[Mindy1607307824]

Talk to her. Tell her that this is the last time you're going to bring it up because you really don't want to bother her anymore. Ask her if there's anything going on and tell her that you feel like she's no longer interested in continuing the friendship and if she denies it give her some examples of why you feel this way. If she denies it again, ask her if there's anything going on in her life that's upsetting her and if she would like to talk about it, and then if nothing comes out of the conversation tell her that you feel like you're bothering her with all the get togethers and everything and that you don't want to bother her anymore so whenever she feels like she could plan something she should call and you'll all try and work something out. Tell her also that you hope she knows that she means a lot to you and that it would make you really sad not to see her anymore...

 

Something like that, but talk to her. At least you'll know instead of wondering forever...

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[Daligal83]

Thanks guys!

 

We actually did end up talking about it after A left. I asked her a personal question and she answered and then goes, I'm lying to you. All this stuff had happened and she didn't tell us because she didn't want A to know and was afraid to tell me thinking that I'd tell A. She is definitely still hurt from everything that went on between her and A. All I can do is encourage them to talk to each other. They've each told me their sides and they have really valid points that the other needs to hear. But it's not my place to be saying those things. B feels like the friendship is beyond repair at this point and that A doesn't even want to try to fix it.

 

It's sad because A and B always said they'd be each other's maid of honor because I have a sister. Otherwise we'd rotate. But they have each told me separately that they don't want that anymore. A wants me to be hers and B wants a college friend to be hers. They both think the other would get pissed off though. It's such a mess and I feel so in the middle. They've talked about it once in the past, but it wasn't totally resolved.

 

I don't know what else to do except tell them to talk to each other about it, which both seem reluctant to do. It's like I have all this information that I could really help them sort out I think if I were to participate in the conversation, but I don't think that's actually a good idea. So I try to do what I can individually, but there's only so much I can do without spilling what the other has told me. It's really frustrating.