another booty post

[SeaBisquit]

ok, sorry i have been posting alot but i am so confused. i have been seeing this guy for about five months. the firdt two weeks he said we were dating exclusively. then out of no where he asks me to take a break. the break lasted about three weeks. i had given up on him then all of a sudden he gets back into my life. we don't do the thing s we use to do. he doesn't call me as much but still tells me personal stuff about his life that he wouldn't tell anyone else. i am so confused because he says he has strongs feelings for me but it freaks him out because when he shows up at my house he says my face lights up. i only see him about every two weeks and he says he needs to take things slow. i don't know wheater to believe him. sometimes i think i'm just booty. i'm considering dating someone else. i don't know what to do i am seriously confused.

[ImThatGirl]

Stop sleeping with him unless he proves he's truly interested in you by committing to you.

 

You'll find out quickly then.

[ImThatGirl]

And if this is the guy that was interested in your friend a little bit back, why are you still considering dating or sleeping with him?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree, stop sleeping with him. If he wants to slow things down and doesn't know if he is committed to you then don't have sex with him.

[SeaBisquit]

because he confuses the piss out of me. he comes over and says how much he cares about me and how he loves to be with me.

[dream83]

Sounds like booty to me...two week absenses...shows up for sex...freaks out when you show interest in having him as a regular fixture in your life. Yep, I'd say booty. Stop sleeping with him, unless you want to be the once-every-two-weeks booty girl.

[dream83]

because he confuses the piss out of me. he comes over and says how much he cares about me and how he loves to be with me.

 

One thing every woman must learn...anyone can say anything. Put more stock in what his actions tell you.

[ImThatGirl]

i am so confused because he says he has strongs feelings for me but it freaks him out because when he shows up at my house he says my face lights up. i only see him about every two weeks and he says he needs to take things slow.

 

 

If he had strong feelings for you, your face lighting up would not freak him out.

 

If he has strong feelings for you, why he only see you once every two weeks.

 

sometimes i think i'm just booty. i'm considering dating someone else. i don't know what to do i am seriously confused.

 

Additionally - - You are trying to figure out if he is serious or not because you may want to date someone else you mentioned. Wow. Why wait around to cut ties with him?

[ImThatGirl]

^^ dream - I hadn't seen your post until after I posted the above.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he had strong feelings for you, your face lighting up would not freak him out.

 

So true...when you really care about someone, you would be thrilled to pieces if their face lit up when they saw you.

[DN]

I would not advise just cutting off the sex because that is manipulative and won't serve you.

 

But what you should say is that you feel like he is just there for the sex and unless he starts showing you that he wants a relationship then you won't be seeing him at all.

 

It is almost always better to be clear and unequivocal about what you want and what you expect.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think he is either dating more than one woman, or he has another steady girlfriend (not you) and stops by once every couple weeks for sexual variety.

 

The most important thing is asking yourself what you want, and are you getting it from this? I don't think you are.

 

It looks like he only dated you for a few weeks to set up the situation, then he ramps back to getting what he really wants (a booty call every couple weeks) while spouting nonsense about taking it slow and you being too happy to see you.

 

If he wants to take it THAT slow, then you shouldn't be having sex at all. He wants to skim the cream (sex) while leaving all the rest (responbility to you, taking you out, spending time with you etc.).

 

So I just tell him that you want a real boyfriend and not a booty call. Don't listen to him if he starts to babble that you're more than a booty call, if that's the way he treats you. Look at what he does, not just what he says, to get an idea of what he really wants.

[dream83]

I would not advise just cutting off the sex because that is manipulative and won't serve you.

 

But what you should say is that you feel like he is just there for the sex and unless he starts showing you that he wants a relationship then you won't be seeing him at all.

 

It is almost always better to be clear and unequivocal about what you want and what you expect.

 

To be fair, he did say he wanted to slow down. I would think that would be grounds for continuing to see him (if she wants to, I personally wouldn't) while not having sex. I mean sex is a big step. I view it moreso as protecting herself and not setting herself up to play this guy's fool. But, that's just my opinion, of course. I mean, if someone is trying to distance himself from me by his actions and his words, I'm not going to keep putting myself out there.

 

But, I do agree with you that she should at least communicate that she is feeling like she's being used for sex. I don't personally think it'll make a difference with this guy, but I think she should definitely tell him the next time she sees him.

[CallingAllAngels]

Seabisquit -

 

The old saying applies here - actions speak louder than words.

 

If this guy was really crazy about you, he'd want to be with you all the time.

 

I'm sorry. Stop sleeping with him. Right now, you are just a booty call, and you deserve better than that girl. ALL of us do.

 

~Allie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But this gives 'going slow' new meaning. He only sees her every couple weeks, which means in 5 months he's seen her maybe 10 times. I see the guy who works at the Wendy's drive thru more than that and I'm not dating him, that's for sure!:splat:

 

If he sees her 3 hours a time, that's 6 hours a month. Of which probably 4 is spent in bed. So that leaves 2 hours a month to get to know each other by talking etc. That's not going slow, that's going NOWHERE.

[dream83]

But this gives 'going slow' new meaning. He only sees her every couple weeks, which means in 5 months he's seen her maybe 10 times. I see the guy who works at the Wendy's drive thru more than that and I'm not dating him, that's for sure!:splat:

 

If he sees her 3 hours a time, that's 6 hours a month. Of which probably 4 is spent in bed. So that leaves 4 hours a month to get to know each other by talking etc. That's not going slow, that's going NOWHERE.

 

I agree with the going nowhere part, and I think "let's go slow" was a total crock in this case. But, I think because he said "let's go slow" he's opened himself right up for her to suddenly stop sleeping with him, and she shouldn't feel like she's being manipulative for cutting out the sex (as DN suggested)...not to mention the fact that she has every right to not have sex with a guy who isn't willing to commit to her in the first place.

[DN]

If Seabisquit is interested in a relationship with this guy (and it appears doubtful that he is) then cutting off sex is unlikely to make him more receptive to that idea.

 

Of course people have the right to not have sex with someone if they don't want to - but if she wanted a relationship and sex she should have made that clear in the first place.

 

Cutting someone off from sex to get what you want is manipulative by it's very nature. It's like the old bait and switch game - you get someone involved with you sexually and then cut them off unless they get involved with you emotionally as well. That is why it is better to do it the other way around.

 

So I still say the best plan is to disregard the sexual aspect of it and make it simply a matter of - are you interested in a relationship or not. If not, I am moving on. That way the sex is not an issue but the emotional relationship is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You have a very good point.

[dream83]

If she wants to be in a realationship with the guy, then yes, it would be manipulative to withhold sex in an effort to get him to actually engage in a real relationship with her.I wasn't suggesting that she stop having sex as a way to get him to be with her. Honestly, that had never crossed my mind, and I don't even see how that would...work...in real life. I would think he would just find someone else if she wasn't "putting out" or have sex with whomever else he may be having sex with during his two weeks off if that's the case. Sorry, maybe I'm a little cynical.

 

I read the post to mean that she was asking what her best option in general would be in the situation. I wrote my post from a "what's probably best in the long run" aspect, not a "how can I get this guy who doesn't seem to want a relationship to enter a relationshp with me" aspect. Clearly I'm not a fan of the guy. I don't think he wants a relationship with her, based on his actions, and I think she should probably move on because it doesn't look like he will commit to her no matter what she says to him or does. And ideally, who really wants to be in a relationship with someone who goes to such great lengths to avoid having one with them?

 

But, yes, OP, if your ultimate goal is to have an actual relationship with this guy, you should first tell him that you want a relationship. I still think continuing to have sex with him will only lead to you continuing to be used/getting hurt, though. But, by all means, don't cut the sex out in an effort to be manipulative.