yellow_sweater Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 How do you know when it's time to end a relationship? Before I share my story, I'd like to get opinions on this topic. Thanks, everyone. YS Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 When -The bad times outweight the good times -When your unhappy more times than your happy -When you start questioning the relationship all the time -MOSTLY when you've tried to fix the problems and change it, but you've tried everything and theres nothing left to try. Link to comment
Supa_gurl Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 When you are no longer happy, when you can no longer picture yourself with that person doing everyday common things couples do together. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Thank you for the speedy responses, Blue and alm. -When you start questioning the relationship all the time This brought tears to my eyes. Others? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 -When you dont see yourself with them in the future -They start feeling like a stranger -When you look at them and feel like you dont know them anymore -You know you've lost the connection -You can feel the love slowly fading away day by day -You always compare now to the good times when you were happy... -When theres nothing to talk about Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 depends on how much you have invested. my answer is different to a person who has 3 kids, a mortgage and a 20 year marriage than it is to someone who has been with their SO for 4 months. in the case of the marriage, i would tell them to try everything - including couples counseling. i guess when the relationship brings more grief and anxiety and troubles than good times, and you spend more time feeling awful and drained than feeling good, i'd say it's time to cut out. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I think when you are wondering if you should end the relationship, it's probably time to end the relationship... Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 A somewhat related question: If you want to stay in a relationship and work through your issues, where is the line between asking someone to change their behavior versus asking them to change themselves? I'm a big believer in accepting everyone for who they are. Because of that, I am uncomfortable asking a significant other to change in order to stay in a relationship with me. That's not fair. At the same time, there is always some give and take, as you get used to each others' quirks and tolerances, and I think it would be naive and shortsighted to believe that I could meet someone with whom I'm 100% compatible 100% of the time from the very beginning. So, that brings me back to my question: where do you think is the line when negotiating "change" in someone in the context of a relationship? YS EDIT: This question should probably go in the "Relationships" section, but I can't post another question until my first is off the front page. Get posting, people! Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I think its fine to ask someone to change behavioural aspects, my bf had an awful temper and he worked on it for me. I was immature and selfish, I improved this for him. You cant ask them to be a completely different person but if you want to work through it you both have to compromise and try to change whatevers affecting the relationship. What is your story? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 It's over when you keep going over and over the same conflicts and nothing ever changes and neither refuses to compromise and/or accept it the way it is. To answer your last question, no two people are exactly the same in every way, so you have to learn how to negotiate and compromise. And for those things that can't be negotiated, you either learn to ignore it and let it drop, or else decide the difference is so significant and unfixable that you can't tolerate staying in the relationship. But you have to have very open and clear negotiations on things that are upsetting to you or the relationship suffers. For example, say someone is a natural born slob and someone else likes a really clean house. You can negotiate how much housework is done by whom, or if one absolutely hates housework, hire a maid, or decide that one person does housework while the other does the yardwork, billpaying, and grocery shopping. But you can't waste time being mad that the person is a slob and having it infuriate you that they don't turn into a neatnik. You have to have a huge soft soft in your heart for the person, where you let them be who they are, but negotiate to try to eiminate any flashpoints or things that cause daily conflict. So all PROBLEMS are negotiable, though PERSONALITIES are not negotiable. Be mad about the socks on the floor, not mad that he is the kind of person who leaves their socks on the floor. One problem is negotiable, but the personality is not. Pick your battles and stick to problems, not power struggles of what someone "SHOULD" be like. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 So all PROBLEMS are negotiable, though PERSONALITIES are not negotiable. What about someone that likes to drink and is generally a bit on the wild side? The problem is that I feel disrespected by his actions when he drinks. His personality is that he is the life of the party, likes being with his friends, enjoys the taste of beer and wine and spirits, is outgoing, adventurous, and a little bit wild. Where is the line between problem and personality then? Link to comment
bramage Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Glad the cat came back.. I think it is easy, as posted before here Its a weights thing Add up the good, deduct the bad. If its in the Green (positive) you stay, if its Red (negative) you leave. Its all in the gut as you know Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 What about someone that likes to drink and is generally a bit on the wild side? The problem is that I feel disrespected by his actions when he drinks. His personality is that he is the life of the party, likes being with his friends, enjoys the taste of beer and wine and spirits, is outgoing, adventurous, and a little bit wild. Where is the line between problem and personality then? what do you mean 'disrespected by his actions when he drinks?' what is he doing? hitting on other women? telling lewd jokes? not coming home at night? or do you not drink alcohol yourself and don't think you two are compatible? Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 what do you mean 'disrespected by his actions when he drinks?' what is he doing? hitting on other women? telling lewd jokes? not coming home at night? or do you not drink alcohol yourself and don't think you two are compatible? There are three main things. First, there are a few things that I've asked him not to do in my home, because I consider them to be a) unsafe, or b) gross. He doesn't seem to get it when I ask him not to do something in MY home that I'm serious. The gross things I'm willing to let slide; the unsafe things, not so much. Second, he's a very affectionate person, and sometimes his affections when he's intoxicated are not mutual/ consensual. In particular, I don't like to be groped at random intervals (like while I'm doing something completely unsexy, like washing dishes, taking a sip of wine, walking accross the room, reaching for a book, etc). The groping is not affectionate; it makes me feel like an object. [[For the record, he is dating a feminist who has a keen conception of the importance of consensual sexual contact, and he has been forewarned that he's walking a very tight line on this point. So, no, I'm not worried about my safety or anything like that. More like my sanity.]] Third is that I feel like he disregards everything I'm saying when he's drunk, whether it's something important or trivial, he just doesn't seem to notice, pay attention, or pay regard to my thoughts, desires, or opinions. I'd rather not go into more detail than to summarize by saying it's not any particular action, like you suggested Annie, but rather a general boorishness and immaturity that I find hard to deal with. For the record, I also love beer, wine, and spirits, but I indulge moderately and rarely if ever get fall-down drunk. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Glad the cat came back.. ?? Huh I don't follow what you're saying in your post here... everything else was spot on, thanks bramage. YS Link to comment
vicnice Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Well that really depends. I am going through some serious changes because my SO wants to leave me. The funny thing is, I LOVE the changes that I am going through, although this might not be the same for everyone. For me, I worked way too much, and I was way too dedicated to my job, so its easy to come back home to someone that actually wants you to be home. Your issues may be alot more complicated, but sometimes, things in life are really simple. If you love someone enough, then you can change what you are doing, but you cant really change who you are. Leaving the toilet seat up vs. down is change, and its simple, asking someone who loves to spend time with people (i.e. needy/clingly) to be more independent probably wont work. Link to comment
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