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commitment phobe blowing hot and cold


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I am confused about the girl I got to know over the last two months, who as time went on, made it no secret that after our first date, she started to see me as attractive. On account of work taking her abroad, we weren't able to meet for two months, and during that time some of our exchanges got hot and heavy to the point of 'text sex'. After our second meeting, she has written to me to say that she recognises the connection is there but doesn't feel the added electricity that she knows she feels for someone when it is there.


Neither of us have changed in the time apart, we are physically the same people we were. I am wondering whether she idealised me during our time apart; but hey that's hardly possible: she knew what I looked like, my body type, and was fine with it. In fact, before our date, she was texting me joking if I would still like her because she has not lost weight in the time she was away. So it was she who was worrying more than me about coming accross as attractive.


She has confided to me about a raft of other issues she has, among them most worryingly commitment phobia, and a Peter Pan complex where she says she only feels at age 29 that she is just starting to grow up.


The night of the date she was apologising beforehand for being shattered from a work deadline she had been working on all week, then a late night dinner the evening before she met me - which had all left her absolutely tired out. She even didn't have too much wine on the night because she was getting dizzy moments from tiredness. I am wondering how on earth someone could even hope to feel electricity under these conditions.


As the days have gone by, I am realising this is a lost case, and that all I can do is move on. I'm trying to figure out if there is anything *at all* I can do here.

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This is why i don't believe in long internet flirtations. People can get quite excited, but then when they actually meet, it falls quite flat.


You don't really know what the interpersonal chemistry is until you actually start spending time face to face. So if you finally met and she is now saying she just doesn't feel it, then it just won't work out.


Next time try to meet someone after a couple weeks of chatting rather than a couple months to avoid getting emotionally involved then having it fall apart face to face.

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This is why i don't believe in long internet flirtations. .......

You don't really know what the interpersonal chemistry is until you actually start spending time face to face.


Hi BeStrongBeHappy,

It wasn't an internet only flirtation. Only after we had met in person did she have to go away abroad, so we fully knew what we each looked like and had spent hours talking happily in person.

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But you only met her once before she left and have only had 2 dates? Sorry if i didn't get that part.


But it is the face to face thing that determines if there is spark. Relationships that are carried on over text (via internet or phone only) are just not the same as in person.


So i guess during the 2 meetings you had she decided you didn't have the spark...


The point i was trying to make is that it isn't always to your advantage to invest a lot into a relationship where you don't spend a lot of time together in person. The bond is not as strong when it is just phone, email, and text talking...

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for two to become couple, attraction alone will not work, esp. for certain age baskets.

when someone is hot and cold to you, it doesn't always mean she's commitment phobe, maybe you got some deal breaker for her she can't take but she likes you; she is not trying to do that to you intentionally. you should talk to her, don't respond in a negative way.

but if you two are mismatched couple, it will work out only if both wants to do hard work.

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