Boyfriend’s violent past

[Cyan Kitty]

I just bumped into one of my boyfriend’s friend. What she say make me uneasy. She says my boyfriend has never hurt any of girls he was with and has always been very good to them. But he is known to be a really sadistic toward males and has hurt a couple guys badly. She say he have put guys in hospital twice that she know of. One of them were her ex’s friend who tried to bully him into stay away from his former girlfriend. But my boyfriend end up beat this guy up so bad that he had a broken jaw and eye orbit, bruised liver, damaged a kidney, require over 40 stitches on face, and his sight have been messed up permanently and all this happened in less five minutes. My boyfriend isn’t even a big guy, he’s only 5’9 and under 160 lbs.

She also told me that he used to be a masochist and many of scars on his back and sides which he doesn’t like to talk about are from his younger day when he used to sleep with this one chick who likes to drink and play with blood. She says it is a good thing he never wanted me to hurt him because it means he love and care about me.

She warned me if I stay with my boyfriend, it will be hard on me because of his many injuries from kickboxing. Since he’s a kickboxer for living, he’ll be doing it for quite a while, so I have to be prepared for this.

I don’t know what to do about this. I find those things to be quite disturbing. I have never known of any guy who is like him. Unlike most guys in early 20’s, he’s well dressed, very respectful and well mannered, polite, doesn’t feel the need to prove himself or show off at all, incredible intelligent, doesn’t drink or smoke, and yet he’s so good to me. He’s always making sure I’m ok, encourage me to do what I want to, always so gentle with me, never ever raise his voice or swear, and is always doing all little things to make me happy. But I find his past to be quite disturbing. I don’t know what to make out of it or what to do. I’m kinda uneasy about this information. Is there any red flag to watch out for?

[keenan]

Do you trust her? What motivated her to tell you these things? She may have your best interests at heart, or she may be trying to get him for herself, or to hurt him (or you).

 

Pay close attention to his behavior and be alert for warning signs that come directly from him (displays of bad temper, flashes of violence, offhand remarks about extreme jealousy or hurting people). Listen to what other people say about him. Be very careful, but trust your own eyes and ears and good judgment before you necessarily put a lot of stock into just one girl's opinion. Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to gather more information before you make a call on this one.

[Lana0120]

I agree with keenan. I'm wondering why on earth a 'friend' of his would reveal all of this information to you. Are you sure she doesn't just want you out of the picture, so she can make a move on him herself? He doesn't have a history of violence towards women, even if he has had bizarre previous relationships, if he's with you, maybe he has outgrown that kind of relationship. By all means be aware, but I don't think you should place too much emphasis on the opinion of someone (I'm assuming) that you hardly know.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Not that it couldn't be true, but something about this just doesn't sound right.

 

If she is his friend, why is she telling you all this? If he is so terrible, then why is she his friend?

 

It sounds like she might have ulterior motives. Could she possibly want him herself and be trying to get you out of the picture?

 

If he seriously attacks other people and puts them into the hospital, he will have a criminal record. Start by researching that to see if he shows up as being convicted of any crimes. Convictions are public record, and you can find that information out.

 

And I would talk to him about it and tell him what she has told you. I wouldn't take what she says as truth until you have tried to check it out and see if any of it is true.

[Cyan Kitty]

She was telling me about everything because when we talked, she asked me how he is and what he have been doing and stuff like that. We eventually start to talk about me and my bf’s relationship. I end up told her that I have been having some problem with my ex who will not leave me lone and have been threatening to find my bf. She warned me to be very careful because he doesn’t take that kind of thing too well. She end up tell me about what happened to other guys. I got curious about the scars and asked her if it was from one of those fight, she say no and told me what happened. So I really doubt she was telling me it for ulterior motivation or anything. The fact about him being in pain is true, he often walk with small limps due to knee and foot pain, and one eye vision is a bit blurry which screw his vision up somewhat. All damages are from kickboxing matches.

 

Today I tried to ask him about getting in a fight outside of the ring. He just gets really quiet and says yes he had a couple time. I tried to ask him more about it, he didn’t really give any straight answer, he just says some people just don’t know when to stop or put ego aside so he did what he have to ensure his and others safety. When I asked about the worst damage he has done, he replied enough to stop others and he started to ask me why I want to know so badly. So I stopped asking him about it.

 

It still bothers me how many of guys on college campus would shy away from him if they see him around and how he did so much damage on someone. Also it made me worried that if my ex tries anything, one of them will get hurt. I don’t know if he’s actual a sadistic or not so that make me fear for others safety. His sexual experience is just downright disgusting and creepy, I don’t understand what could possible drive him to let that happen to him. He’ll have all that scars on his body for rest of his life.

I find it hard to believe and upsetting that someone who kneels if kid come to talk to him, treat waitress/waiter with respect, help a man in front of him in line who is couple dollars short on grocery with paying for it, always saving stray animals, and other things could have a such violent streak. If he wasn’t so good to me, all of girls he use to see, and treat other very well and with respect, I’d have left him immediately. So this is hard for me to handle.

[keenan]

It sounds like you're really struggling to reconcile the sides of this guy that you see (being sweet to you, kids, animals, old people, and ex-girlfriends) with the sides that you don't see (a history of violence, sexuality that makes you uncomfortable). You get a lot of hints about his violent side (kickboxing, seeing his scars, seeing other people shy away from him, hearing stories about him) but you experience only niceness first hand, so you don't know how to fit all the pieces together.

 

I can see how this would make you really cautious. It's a weird analogy, but it's similar to how clowns make people uncomfortable because they always look like they're smiling but if you look at their actual facial expression they often aren't. It's like you're afraid your boyfriend is wearing a disguise of niceness but that he's really capable of a violent person on the inside, and you don't know how and when that violence will come to the surface. His past makes you wonder who he really is, and whether you're seeing all of him or only the parts he wants you to see.

 

I think that if this is more than you can handle, you can leave him now--that's your prerogative, and it might be the wise choice for you. If you want to stay with him, though, I don't know how you can get around having a serious conversation with him about this. You need to lay your cards on the table and tell him what you're worried about, then let him talk. Let him tell you what has happened, and whether he thinks it's ok, and under what circumstances he would lose his temper again, whether he feels in control when he gets angry, whether he thinks it's ok to hurt people in certain situations (when and why),etc. If he's really the guy you want him to be, he won't shy away from having this conversation with you, because he'll want you to feel safe, and to respect and understand him.

 

It might also help to talk to some experts in anger management. Is it the case, for example, that guys with violent pasts and violent hobbies are more likely to hit their girlfriends, wives, or children? Do violent young men always become violent older men, or to many mellow with age? How does youthful violence come out in different ways (yelling, passive aggressiveness) as men get older?

 

Bottom line, you want to be with a trustworthy person who shares your values. You have a lot of evidence that he may not share these values (or that at one time in his life he didn't). If your gut is telling you to bail, then bail. But if you're truly still conflicted, you need to discover what is going on, and that's going to require more information.

[justkeepon]

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