Feeling Suicidal

[Jetta]

I just dropped off my daughter. Her birthday is this week, we had a mini party for her but I'll never get to host her birthday parties. My ex MIL is her mother now. They have her in too many activities, they cut her hair too short, she's my daughter but she's theirs. And I hate it. There is nothing I can do about it because attorney's are too expensive and well I'm legallly crazy. Even Brittney Spears doesn't have custody.

 

Sundays after visits are just so hard. It's so comfortable having my daughter with me. If I had a gun I would just blow my head off, outside so then I wouldn't leave a mess. I have sleeping pills but my luck I wouldn't die, just damage myself and I don't want that, I only have about 10. I've tried taking two before but no luck. I'm actually saving those 10 pills in case I want to use them for suicide. They're prescription sleeping pills.

 

I don't feel like I'll ever have a normal life again. Right now I'm living on disability, at my mom's house, paying back bills and stuff that couldn't be written off with bankruptcy. My life is in a hole. I've tried to get a job just no on will hire me and I don't know why, really I don't. Even Target wouldn't hire me as a cashier and that's lowly, but they hired my mom who didn't take the job because it's beneath her. But they didn't hire me!

 

I'm an optimist at heart, it got better from horrible worst, but still it's bad. I'm just really sad and can't believe this is my life.

[bulletproof]

Obviously you care very much about your daughter, even if she isn't with you all the time. Think about what you committing suicide would do to her life, if you can't find another reason for staying alive. Maybe you make the times you spend with her the best they can possibly be and that keeps you going.

 

It might feel like you'll never have a normal life again, but anything is possible. You might just need to approach things a little bit differently. Have you considered asking any potential employers why they didn't hire you? It can't hurt, since you didn't get the job anyway. Maybe someone could give you feedback that you can use to help yourself.

 

Try to remember that this is today, and that things can and likely will change. Just try to get through the rough patch and you might find yourself in a different frame of mind in the future, glad that you didn't take your life.

[ladyblue07]

Your daughter is still your daughter even if you're not in a position right now to take care of her. I'm sure it would devastate her to lose you. Even though things are rough right now, things won't always be like this.

Sometimes when you don't get hired for a job it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that you and that job weren't a good fit for each other. Don't give up. I'm sure there are other places you can apply at and if you keep trying one of them will work out.

[septembermourning]

I feel your pain. But at least you have a daughter! You are so lucky seriously! I am terrified all the time that I will never even have a child of my own... I'm getting older and just never meeting anyone that works out. I also am living in someone else's house... not my parents but a friend's and I have insane debt-- I probably need to claim bankruptcy and no job. I just moved to this state and I am trying to find a job as well. I KNOW how hard it is... Also I am borrowing money from my grandmother just to get me through til I find a job and I feel horrible about that. My mother actually writes the checks anyway and she is making me feel horrible and putting insane pressure on me to find something soon!

 

There are other people out there struggling just like you... please try to remember that and HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY. Seriously. I know that is so Wilson Phillips cliche but it's true. I am better than I was a week ago. One week ago I was sick to my stomach all the time and couldn't get out of bed but 1 week later and I have hope that things will turn around. Keep trying as far as the job search goes... once you get something you will start getting your confidence back and everything else will come together. hold on

[Gracelove]

Hey There Jetta!

 

I just want to tell you to hang in there. Things won't be like this forever. Whether you know it or not, your daughter misses you, and loves you so much.

 

She needs you. She needs you to be there, to look after her.

 

What happens if your mother-in-law or ex husband die? What if they disown her? Who will be there for her? Wouldn't you want it to be you?

 

And yes, I know life sucks. And I know that you get tired of the pain. But you have a purpose in life, and you can be happy. Just wait it out and see.

 

Don't let this beat you.

 

It can be soooooooo hard to be patient sometimes.

 

I mean, I live at home with my parents, and sometimes I feel down about not being able to provided for myself right now.

 

Ya that hurts.

 

And you say you're legally crazy, but you aren't really crazy. I can tell by your posts.

 

Things won't be like this always, k.

 

You're still a very valuble and loved person.

 

Someone told me today, "The hurts of your past will be an ointment for someone else".

 

You don't know who is out there, who will need your help. There are people out there who need you. Who really need you.

You are going to change peoples' lives.

 

So please, just hang in there.

 

It's okay to cry, and it's okay to feel sorrow.

 

I've never said this to anyone on this site before, because you never know where people are coming from.

 

But Jesus has always been there for me, through my rough times. And he'll be there for you also.

 

Life isn't easy, and it can be so confusing.

 

I went through an experience, that really messed me up. And I used to be depressed, and suicidal frequently.

And it's nice to know that he is there for you when you've hit rock bottom. It's nice to know you're never alone.

 

I have a lot of faith in you, and I believe you are a survivor.

 

You can survive this, you can survive the emotions you're experiencing right now.

 

Your life is too valuble to be extinguished, and I bet you know that.

 

Scream, do whatever is necessary, just don't hurt yourself, k.

 

Lots, and lots, and lots of love your way.

 

*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*

 

~Grace

[Jetta]

Thanks everyone. If you want children semptembermourning there's always a way to have them. Even my mom told me to adopt when I'm back on my feet because I still want children, doubt I could but it was nice of her to suggest it when I was really feeling low.

 

I've never thought of my daughter coming back, she's beautiful and a great kid so I'd use to joke and call her "a keeper", they opted to keep her. I suppose anything is possible.

 

Thanks for the Jesus message Grace, it's something I needed to hear.