bambina maxima Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 What a mess. My last relationship ended in what seemed like a pretty agonizing fashion. I had been dealing with the non-relationship relationship, the back and forth, the inability to commit, but the expression of love and affection...I enabled that behavior by not saying "enough is enough, I'm sorry, I'm done." I have been broken up since Feb, with a large chunk of that in no contact. In the last month, we have met up three times where he had said "I love you and I want to be with you, BUT.... i still need to be single for a little while." I thought I had completely moved on, but when he came back into my life to tell me this, it sent me way, way back. I acted as if I was okay with it. I told him if he wasn't ready, he should just leave me alone...but then when he contacted me the second two times with the same thing, I gave in and talked to him, even though I knew it would end the same way. "I love you and I want to be wtih you, but I'm just not ready." Well, last week I exploded. It had been over a week since I had told him yet again to stop contacting me if he wasn't ready... and I just snapped. *i* broke NC (what was I thinking?) and wrote a scathing letter full of hurt and told him never ever to contact me again. I've never been so mean to anyone in my entire life. Unfortunately, I can't take it back. I sent an apology letter a few days later, not to discount my feelings, but to apologize for the way I had expressed myself and dealt with my hurt. I haven't heard anything back, and that's okay, I can deal with it. I don't like how I ended things, though. The relationship was pretty much doomed, but I didn't have to destroy all civility. We had some good times. I know my friends would say "he deserved it," but no one deserves that kind of damaging wrath. I mean...I was pretty unhinged. It sucks to think that now I am responsible for bad blood between us. I regret that I didn't express my feelings in a rational manner and just close the door gently, instead of slamming it in his face. Anybody else have regrets like this? How did you deal with it afterwards? I feel crappy for letting him back in, and I feel even crappier that I exploded in a fit of rage. (Rage is NOT something I do. EVER.) Ugh. Link to comment
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