When there's nothing left to do ...take a deep breath, go back to your corner, and chill out.

[bambina maxima]

What a mess. My last relationship ended in what seemed like a pretty agonizing fashion. I had been dealing with the non-relationship relationship, the back and forth, the inability to commit, but the expression of love and affection...I enabled that behavior by not saying "enough is enough, I'm sorry, I'm done."

 

I have been broken up since Feb, with a large chunk of that in no contact. In the last month, we have met up three times where he had said "I love you and I want to be with you, BUT.... i still need to be single for a little while."

 

I thought I had completely moved on, but when he came back into my life to tell me this, it sent me way, way back. I acted as if I was okay with it. I told him if he wasn't ready, he should just leave me alone...but then when he contacted me the second two times with the same thing, I gave in and talked to him, even though I knew it would end the same way. "I love you and I want to be wtih you, but I'm just not ready."

 

Well, last week I exploded.

 

It had been over a week since I had told him yet again to stop contacting me if he wasn't ready... and I just snapped. *i* broke NC (what was I thinking?) and wrote a scathing letter full of hurt and told him never ever to contact me again. I've never been so mean to anyone in my entire life.

 

Unfortunately, I can't take it back. I sent an apology letter a few days later, not to discount my feelings, but to apologize for the way I had expressed myself and dealt with my hurt. I haven't heard anything back, and that's okay, I can deal with it. I don't like how I ended things, though.

 

The relationship was pretty much doomed, but I didn't have to destroy all civility. We had some good times. I know my friends would say "he deserved it," but no one deserves that kind of damaging wrath. I mean...I was pretty unhinged.

 

It sucks to think that now I am responsible for bad blood between us. I regret that I didn't express my feelings in a rational manner and just close the door gently, instead of slamming it in his face.

 

Anybody else have regrets like this? How did you deal with it afterwards? I feel crappy for letting him back in, and I feel even crappier that I exploded in a fit of rage. (Rage is NOT something I do. EVER.) Ugh.

[tushboy]

All of us on this board have been through similar situations....I was a rebound for my Ex not once but twice.....he's dumped me twice to go back to his Ex...and all I did was kept swinging between hate and regret and more hate and more regret....

[bambina maxima]

Yeah, tushboy...I know... partly I think I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to practice what I preach on here. That if the relationship is more pain than it's worth, let it go and don't look back. I really should know better by now.

 

But it doesn't do much good to beat yourself up, I guess, and that's why I just need to pick all the crap up again and keep trucking.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But here is the point you need to remember: If you are a nice person and then you explode into a very uncharacteristic rage, then he probably drove you to it.

 

Even the most kind loving person can only take so much. He was doing what is called 'crazy-making' behavior... i.e., behavior that makes someone else crazy.

 

I had a family therapist tell me once that when she sees a couple where one person sits there calmly and looks happy and healthy and says everything is fine and they just have a couple little kinks to work out, and the other person is a total nervous wreck and broken down, then most like the happy healthy looking person is driving the other person crazy with their bad behavior.

 

So don't beat yourself up about this. You very clearly told him what your boundaries were, and he kept jerking you around and really pushing your limits.

 

Of course it is preferable to never get to the point where you act crazy, but your patience was exhausted on a very emotional subject, and he was just blithely acting like he could just keep you dangling on a string forever and jerking you around and you should just take that (and of course you shouldn't)!

 

He certainly deserved to be told to sod off, but you could have done it with a lot less anger. But it he was baiting you to the point you got that level of anger, he was doing something very wrong and deserved to be told to stop it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, i loved the Big Lebowski too... what a great movie!

[bambina maxima]

Be Strong, thanks.

 

With crazy-making behavior, part of what is so crazy-inducing is that I could have prevented the craziness if I had just not let him back in all those times.

 

I don't know why I am so stubborn, but I am the type of person who has to learn things the really freaking hard way. But the upshot is, once I learn it, I learn it well.

 

I never really believed in commitmentphobia... I like to take the "He's just not that into you" approach of "he's not afraid of committing, he's just afraid of committing to you," but this guy seriously has me wondering. Oh well, it's entirely moot now.

[DieTeufelKatze]

bambina, I finally just ended things with a guy that has behaved in a similar fashion to yours. I messed up and called 2 weeks after the breakup, but it was because I'd gotten myself all worked up over the fact that he still had a book I loaned him, one of my favorite books that had sentimental value (an inscription) and one my best friend had been asking about and I wanted to loan to her. He'd had it for over 2 months, I finally called him and in an extremely angry/cold tone asked him to drop it off on my porch or leave it on my car at work. And I told him he was an idiot if he thought I ever wanted to talk to him again (he'd been acting all cheery and like nothing had happened).

 

I regretted the way I behaved on the phone that evening, and called two days later to apologize, not for the things I said, but for having been so angry and sharp with him. That was the last we ever talked.

 

What drove me there is he is constantly playing head games with me, even this last breakup was a game for him, apparently, as he said "Oh, yeah, I'll leave it up to you whether or not you want to call me" etc., he was sure I'd chase after him or something because he'd ended it abruptly and out of nowhere, and he knew I had developed feelings for him. Through both breakups we've had, he's done the whole "well, I just don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now. It's not you, it's all me, I'm afraid of commitment, yadda yadda." Then he gets back together with me, only to dump the whole thing a month later again. It never ends with these guys until YOU say ENOUGH already! But you already know that.

 

I haven't even so much as wanted to see his face, let alone talk to him. He thinks he has me on a string and can jerk me around any way he likes. Well, I just turned around bit his hand like a mad dog. But his behavior provoked it. I think I feel worse about having wimped out and called him two days after I lashed out at him, crying and being all considerate, loving, vulnerable, yet strong and not giving in.

 

I think it's perfectly understandable that you lashed out at him, and I say... don't be so hard on yourself. What he was doing was hurtful and wrong... he was playing head games with you. He was acting out his ambivilance at YOUR expense! He deserved to see what his hurtful actions does to people! Don't regret it, it's better than regretting being too "nice" like I am now. You're not a doormat, and sometimes it takes an outburst from someone for the person who is attempting to wipe their feet to realize that you won't be treated that way.

[bambina maxima]

Hey Katze, it sounds like you have a healthy amount of anger, and that is a good thing. You certainly didn't fly off the rocker like I did. And I think you're right - sometimes they need to know how hurtful their actions are to other people, or they will never learn how to form deep and meaningful relationships.

 

He actually repsonded to my apology email a little bit ago and told me I was "too f---'n nice", that I wasn't crazy and that he knows his actions were the cause, amongst a lot of other things that have made me feel loads better. Well, I didn't exactly expect to hear that from him, but I'll take it.

 

Temporary side-track to healing. Back on the road. One step in front of the other. Things can only get better from here.

[fivespot]

Why are you even feeling bad about this???

 

I say he deserves your wrath and more!

 

Anyone who drags someone through the dirt, taking the person down with them, telling them "I'm not ready...looking...wanting a relationship, whatever" but then continues on with affection toward you, and then starts dating other people because they aren't committed but still want you in the picture...well...

 

These kinds of people are the lowest of the low and need to be tuned in every once in a while. But it's not like it matters, though. It's not like they're going to change.

[bambina maxima]

Hey fivespot. Your post made me grin. Yeah, you know...that's part of the struggle I had. "If I could only make him realize what an idiot d*che bag he's being... "

 

But there's no way to change another person. It's incredibly frustrating until you get it through your head that there's nothing you can do about it.

 

There is no possible way to ethically control another person's feelings, actions, and intentions. (Repeat to self ad nauseum!)