Regular visits to ex...acceptable?

[always_hurt]

Hey,

 

Was hoping to get a few people's opinions here coz i dont know if im being unreasonable having the sort of thoughts that are in my mind at the mo

 

I met my current boyfriend at work 2 years ago. He had a long term girlfriend but wasnt happy with the relationship. We both got closer and he decided after a lot of thought that he would like to end his relationship with her and be with me. That was in december but she wasnt told about us until March this year because he didnt want to hurt her. I understood this and knew that it would be a very hard thing to take. Im not proud that he had to end a relationship but we both fell in love and resisted it for a year and a half due to him having a gf When she found out about us being together i received very many abusive emails, which i accepted because i knew how hurt she was. He didnt get anything like i did and just constant texts and phone calls about how much she loves him. Again, i accept that because you cant just stop loving someone and its even harder to when you find out they're seeing someone else. She emailed me to say that they are still in love and that i have to accept that.

 

My problem here is this tho...i accept everything that she has to give me. But what im hurt by is the fact that my boyfriend still continues to be with her on a regular basis. Not just as a group thing (which i think is fine because i cant expect to take their friendship away) but actually meets up with her alone for dinner and goes shopping with her. If they had been ended a long time and there was no feelings there then i would know i cant be upset, but this girl has clearly told both of us that she still wants him back and is in love. My boyfriend says that i should trust him and no matter what she wants it still doesnt change that he wants me. Its not about trust honestly, i do trust him and trust that he wont hurt me. But its about respect you know? I feel he is being disrespectful to me by meeting up with her alone and also pro-longing her getting over him by still doing this

 

Last night, he went to her house alone. He told me he was just dropping things off that he still had of hers. Four hours later, he phones me to say that he stayed for dinner n watched a film. I was sooo upset by this! Dont you think thats far too cosy? He told me about it and obv has nothing to hide but its just the fact that he finds this acceptable behaviour! Plz help you guys and let me know that im not just being unreasonable. I have to stress that i genuinelly believe that he is not cheating on me and loves me so trust isnt the issue. Thanks for reading x

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes ex's want to stay friends. It is not wrong. You just have to decide if it is acceptable to you or not.

[Batya33]

I was in a similar situation in the past except that he had to stay in touch with her for professional reasons. We agreed on what was acceptable and what was not for us as a couple. There is nothing particularly wrong with staying friends with an ex but it depends on what the behavior is and especially if the woman wants your bf back there needs to be limits placed on how they express their friendship.

 

For example, I would not be ok with a boyfriend seeing his ex one on one regularly if she still wanted him back. and, anyway, that's a one-sided friendship only - she is not his true friend because she doesn't support his being with you - she wants him romantically. True friends are platonic, are at least "ok" with the other person being with someone else romantically (they don't have to like the person's SO but they have to respect the relationship and be supportive - certainly wanting the person for yourself is by definition not being supportive.)

 

Discuss boundaries with your boyfriend and try to reach a compromise. It also could be that he gets an ego boost by hanging out with her, knowing that she wants him. Perhaps you can be invited to join in - would that be comfortable for you?

 

By the way - this is not about trust. When you're in a relationship, you don't put yourself in situations that are clearly playing with fire. Watching a movie at your ex's house when you know the ex is still interested, is playing with fire. Sure, you can trust him not to make a pass but wouldn't you want to throw up if you knew she had made a pass, even if he didn't respond?

[metrogirl]

I bet there was a time that she felt that she could trust him and that he wouldn't hurt her and now look where she is.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here so please don't take this the wrong way, but you kinda set yourself up for this one. You got involved with a man that still had an unfinished relationship. Your first clue that this was going to have tragic consequences was when he refused to tell her that the relationship was over and continued acting like he was with her. If he was already serious with you, then he should have just been a better man and walked away from her. The fact that you allow him to continue in this behavior shows him that he can still in fact play the both of you. He goes to her house and has dinner and watches a film. He's going to continue to act this way because you have given him the green light to do so.

 

What are you getting out of this relationship other than being the other woman? Again I'm not trying to be rude, I just see it as it is. He still prefers to spend time with her. I honestly don't think he ever broke up with her.

 

Now he is playing witht the heart strings of two women. Both of you should wise up and dump his sorry ass.

[happystrummer]

...............................

[Batya33]

Oh - I thought he ended the relationship before pursuing the OP.

[always_hurt]

HappyStrummer

 

I did not persue a relationship with a man who was in a relationship. We did not get together until he had finished his relationship. We hadnt even discussed being together that way because he had a relationship and it was seen as a no go area. Thats when he ended his relationship by his own decision because he hadnt been happy with her for a long time. So please, do not judge on the personal hurt you have experienced yourself because this is different. I too have been left for another girl and this is how i know this situation is completely different. I do not deserve bad karma.

 

Thank you to the rest of you who replied, i very much appreciate it. Afraid it wouldnt be possible for me to spend time with the girl as i feel this would just hurt her more. She has asked for us to meet but i know that the only reason she wants to is to persuade me to leave him. I wanted to give her time to cool off and get herself more used to the situation, but again, my boyfriend isnt making this any easier.

 

I would never let him walk over me or pretend to him this is ok, he honestly is the most sweetest man and hates to hurt people which is why is didnt tell her about us straight away. If she knew he got together with me as quick as he did she would then realise that he hadnt been happy with her for a long time. That is insensitive and really no need to go there.

 

I just dont know what to do. I dont want to ask him to stop seeing her because it would be unreasonable to ask them to stop their friendship.But i am very uncomforatable with the one on one meetings, especially things like shopping and going to her house etc. I plan to talk to him about this but wanted to ask if you guys think im being unreasonable or not. Thanks again.

[Batya33]

I don't think he kept the information from her because of sweetness. he kept it from her at least in part because it was too hard for him to tell her - it was also about him and his needs, not altruistic.

 

If he was truly sweet, he wouldn't hang around one on one with an ex who was clearly into him. That's not sweet - it's borderline leading her on. It will hurt her far more now for him to end the friendship since he has allowed her to get attached to him again - he's given the green light - than if he had set up more appropriate boundaries back then.

 

I would talk to him about boundaries and what specific scenarios you are uncomfortable with.

[always_hurt]

Thank you so much for that. So you think i am not being unreasonable by asking him this then?

 

The last thing i wanted to do was ask him to stop his one to one meetings and come accross as contolling and jealous. Thats defo not what i am. More as in wanting more respect and feel like he is leading her on unknowingly.

[Batya33]

Yes, I think it is fine to ask him to stop the one on one meetings in private or on "date night" - occasionally meeting for lunch or a casual dinner is fine. If he feels you're being controlling, that might be a sign that you two are not on the same wavelength.

 

Be clear that you are not saying "exes can never be friends" because he might respond - as one of the posters here did - "exes can be friends" - you are talking about specific behavior where this is not a true friendship because she wants him romantically.

 

it might be interesting if you have a man in your life who still wants you who you can be "friends" with too.

[always_hurt]

Thanks, i think this is definitely what i will say to him tonight. Just explain it in a way that it makes me uncomfortable because she has made it very clear that she is still in love with him.

 

I have an ex who i was with for five years but we only communicate occasionally as we both have other partners now. We would definitely not meet up on a one to one basis as i feel this would be disrespectful since he was my long term most recent ex. Maybe thats just me tho.

[Batya33]

I have and would if my partner was comfortable with it. If the person had feelings for me I would not do the one on one unless absolutely necessary (ie for a business reason)

[jengh]

I'm still friends with one of my exes. However, there are no feelings involved on either end and we broke up 2 years ago. I expect anyone I date to respect that.

 

However, she's still in love with him and actively persuing him, obviously. If I'm reading correctly, he left her for you. I would be VERY uncomfortable with him spending so much time with her. He cheated on her, why wouldn't he cheat on you? Not trying to be negative, just playing devil's advocate.

[always_hurt]

He didnt cheat on her tho. He never went near me when he was with her. I hope people can see that from reading the rest of these posts. I would never see a man who was still in a relationship, it wouldnt be acceptable to me.

 

I would be very comfortable with it if there were no feelings involved.But at the moment, there is and she's made it very clear so.

[JadedStar]

That was in december but she wasnt told about us until March this year because he didnt want to hurt her.

 

I think this should always be construed as a redflag.

 

If someone can't tell an ex they are seeing someone else you can bet that is because they still have some feeligs for that person. Rarely is someone so altruistic they want to spare a person to this degree if they are in fact broken up> There are usually motives beyond that.

 

Yes I think you should be able to tell him this communication with her is not appropriate. When the ex is harboring feelings the current partner should not be in contact becuase it is misleading to the ex and disrespectful to the current partner. I talk to my ex on occasion - we have children together - but there are no feelings left on either side. there were, I would not be talking to him