text messages

[crazyaboutcats]

Things had been going really well with this guy - I have actually fallen in love for the first time and I thought it was mutual.

However, this morning I found a couple of texts on his mobile phone -yes I was snooping, I have a big issue with trust but that is another long and boring story - he was in touch with his ex saying he was seeing someone, it was going really well but was it bad that he still missed her...and then asking her to come round to his place if she was lonely and that all she needed to do was bring her 'cute ass'.

 

I'm not being dim am I in thinking this is completely and utterly unacceptable? That he is screwing around or at least not being emotionally faithful? All this after he tells me he loves me and so far, treats me so well.

 

He texted me this morning to tell me he missed me. I responded telling me that if he felt lonely to get 'x' to come round with her 'cute ass'. I then went to his place and left his overnight bag and the birthday present he got me yesterday with his flat mate (it was very expensive and I just don't feel I can keep it, he can at least get his money back).

 

Just venting I guess. I'm absolutely distraught.

[memorypill]

Im sorry thats happening to you. It sounds like he really needs to figure out what he wants and that hes not in a good spot. Try not to waste your time unless you can assure yourself he is over the ex and that he would really want to be with you and only you.

I wish you the best of luck, youve come to the right place for support.

[amya]

I know how you feel, well, not completely. Recently me and my boyfriend split, but about a year a go i looked in his phone and found that he had called this girl he was seeing before me in the early hours of the morning when he had gone out with his mates. He was really shifty about it all and it always really bothered me especially as we had been together for so long and she was a single mother with a baby?????! I couldn't understand what he could possibly have to say to her at 2oclock in the morning on a saturday night! Well, it ripped our relationship apart and i couldnt STAND the thought of her. I couldn't trust him, and bit by bit we'd tear each other apart. There was probably not much to it but i dunno it really did my head in thinking about it. I suppose the only thing you can think of is whether you can trust him and forget it, if not, it'll keep coming back to haunt you. Nothing worse than 3 people in a relationship! 3's a crowd!

[Loki71]

Not to say your wrong but I want to give him the benifit of doubt. Could it have just been a bad joke with "x"? He did say

in touch with his ex saying he was seeing someone, it was going really well

so he was at least up front about how he felt towards you. Again not something I would have done and not saying what he did was right but just think you should be 100% positive or at least talk to him about it.

[Supa_gurl]

I agree with the above post: (unsure). It is worth talking about. I know you need to vent and you have come to the right place. But he mentioned you to her and that in my book counts for something. Though he said some things that were hurtful, it is worth a good talk with him and telling him it is unacceptable. (he should in turn, tell you it is unacceptable to snoop).

[Snoopy24]

I agree with the above post: (unsure). It is worth talking about. I know you need to vent and you have come to the right place. But he mentioned you to her and that in my book counts for something. Though he said some things that were hurtful, it is worth a good talk with him and telling him it is unacceptable. (he should in turn, tell you it is unacceptable to snoop).

 

It doesn't matter if he said he was in love with her. It doesn't count for anything. He admitted to his ex that he missed her, and he wanted to see her.. Probably implying he wants to sleep with her.

 

Now the trust is gone. Not much to talk about.

 

To the OP- I've been there with the same situation Get out now. Tell him when and if he is ever over her to give you a call.

 

And don't fall for all the sweet talk and I'm sorrys. Do you really want to be with someone who is thinking about someone else? If you really want it to work, you need to give him lots of space to sort out his feelings.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have you properly healed from the split with your husband and what he did to you? I recall you haven't been going out with this guy that long...are you sure it is not loneliness that made you jump into this relationship...was it really love you felt or the relief of having someone again in your life? How long has this guy been broken up with his ex?

 

He texts you with "I miss you" and texts his ex with "I miss you". Who knows what is up with this guy but it sounds like he knows how to turn on the charm and do and say all the right things that charmers do. Did he break off with his ex or did she break up with him? I think it is best that you walk away...I think at best he is ambivalent despite his fancy words and expensive gifts.

[Loki71]

It doesn't matter if he said he was in love with her. It doesn't count for anything. He admitted to his ex that he missed her, and he wanted to see her.. Probably implying he wants to sleep with her.

 

Thats kinda harsh, first we don't know how long it's been since they broke up and the OP has been with him. Don't get me wrong as I said before I don't agree with what he did. But you can't say what he wants just based on the information given in the OP. Does it sound like thats what he wanted? Yes. But do you know for 100% that is what he was after? No. She needs to talk to him and find out what he was really trying to do. As for her snooping that is another issue he can throw out there. Has he done anything since they were together to cause her to snoop on him? I feel they should talk before anything.

[amya]

They can talk about it, but more than likely all that will come out of it, from experience is that he'll make it look like it was nothing. He's hardly going to say "yes i still want to sleep with my ex".

I do think they should talk about it but i think it mainly comes down to whether she'll be able to trust it's nothing more than he will make out it was.

[Loki71]

He's hardly going to say "yes i still want to sleep with my ex".

 

Agreed he may not be honest. At this point she already has trust issues due to her past relationship so even if he was honest and there is nothing really there will she believe him? Her snooping and with what he did does spell trouble for this relationship. There is now trust issues for both sides. Can she trust him? can he trust her not to snoop all the time? My point was they should just talk before acting so they can at least give each other a chance to be honest so that way if it does not work out they can at least say they tried.

[crazyaboutcats]

CAD, without giving too much away, yes, this relationship has happened after a break up but to be honest, i never felt this was the 'rebound' relationship. I kind of had that earlier this year. I was not looking for a relationship and then 'bang' this man appeared. I am naturally cautious and wanted to take things slower than he did. I have children after all to consider and fortunately they have so far had minimal contact with him.

 

I agree I need to talk to him at least to tell him that he needs to decide what he wants. At best we are going to be on a break from one another for a while. At worst, this is it, it's all over.

 

I would never have snooped had he not left his facebook mail open one night about a month into the relationship. Same girl, I had about a 3 second glance before I told him his mail was on the screen but enough to see several choice phrases of what they wanted to do to one another. I talked to him about it. This facebook episode was so early on that I didn't feel the need to make a huge deal of it but having said that, I have since snooped.

 

He tells me he is in love with me and I know that I am totally unlike any of the women he has been out with in the past. I adore him and one thing that is positive in all of this is that I know at last I can actually feel like this about a man. That it has now left me feeling devastated is by the by. I still feel like it has been worth it. I just wanted to hear from others that I'm not being silly or over-reacting. I have a tendency sometimes to just be led and ignore my feelings. I'm trying to grow out of that.

[amya]

Yeah deffinatly talk about it, i agree.

[Loki71]

I would never have snooped had he not left his facebook mail open one night about a month into the relationship. Same girl, I had about a 3 second glance before I told him his mail was on the screen but enough to see several choice phrases of what they wanted to do to one another. I talked to him about it. This facebook episode was so early on that I didn't feel the need to make a huge deal of it but having said that, I have since snooped.

 

 

Sorry you had to go through that. I too had the same exprience with myspace and text messages. But me and my wife are working ot out. With this new information then I will have to agree with everyone else. If he is doing this with her then he does not deserve to be around you or your kids. I wish you the best of luck and am glad to hear your taken it as a learning experince and to improve yourself.

[crazyaboutcats]

Thank you Unsuretexan. The problem with all this new technology - texting, myspace, facebook, is that it makes it so easy to stay in touch and communicate with people, often ex's, with minimal effort. And it is so easy to just say stuff without thinking of the consequences and when the OP finds out, you're screwed.

 

I keep telling myself, 'don't actions speak louder than words'? He is very attentive and kind and caring and were I not a suspicious so and so, I would never even think to look at his phone given how he treats me and the people around him (his friends, his family). What can I say, I just adore this man and I'm going to miss him so so much. This is very hard but I am grateful to all of you for your advice and support.

[Loki71]

Don't even get me started on myspace lol. Your right the internet and cell phones does make it easier for this to happen.

 

He is very attentive and kind and caring and were I not a suspicious so and so, I would never even think to look at his phone given how he treats me

 

My wife was the same way. I would never had known what she was up to if it had not been for rumors and me asking her. Even then she lied so I had to snoop to find out the truth. But I want to let you know even with what he did things can work out if your both willing to do what is needed to make it work. Me and my wife are working hard at it. It has been almost a year since our trouble but we are still together so there is hope.

[crazyaboutcats]

How? Can you remember the first steps? Did you 'lay down the law'? I don't even know if he will want to try, he may just back off. I was all smiles and niceness this morning when I got up out of bed and left him, he hadn't a clue. So he may well be feeling a bit unnerved by the fact that I am not 'readable', that there was all this turmoil and upset inside of me and I didn't let on one bit. That would certainly upset me. I just got out of there and then effectively dumped him by text. Urgh. Not proud of that but I couldn't face him.

[amya]

As much as it's great you're trying to be positive about this i don't think you should have to try and work hard at a relationship. He shouldn't be sending things like that to another woman, he shouldn't, no matter how nice he is when you're with him. I understand you adore him, but do you honestly think if you stay with him you'd be able to not check up on him? From experience, no, you'll be looking even more now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is clear that this guy never truly ended his relationship with his ex..suggestive messages from early on in your relationship that have continued up until now while he is saying words of love to you. Lots of players know how to reel a woman in by fancy words of love and attentiveness making them feel like they are the only person who exists and how they are so different from all the rest...in the meantime they are spewing out the same words and actions to others. They are gifted in making a woman feel special..problem is the trot out the same old tired lines to each woman and each woman imagines they are the one and only he has felt this way about. Your gut was telling you something...while you may have been burned before, if you are really sure about someone you can put it in the past...but you saw early on that something was amiss in this relationship...something you have already seen before...but you tried to smother those gut feelings in the hopes that this will not be true again...yet deep down you knew..and that is why you ended up snooping. Anybody can turn on the charm and be nice to the entire world..that doesn't necessarily mean they are honourable people...they could simply know how to put on a good show.

[DN]

I responded telling me that if he felt lonely to get 'x' to come round with her 'cute ass'. I then went to his place and left his overnight bag and the birthday present he got me yesterday with his flat mate (it was very expensive and I just don't feel I can keep it, he can at least get his money back).

 

Has he said anything since you did this?

[Loki71]

How? Can you remember the first steps? Did you 'lay down the law'?

 

I just told her "it was me or him" I still have trust issues with her and it has put me in a very deep deperssion. I layed down the law so to speak I even begged and I still snoop but not as much as I was. I have been trying to show some trust in her again but it's very hard. I told her there could be no more contact in any way shape or form. if she were to do this again it would be over and it would tear us apart.

[crazyaboutcats]

His response to my text was 'well I could but I prefer to watch the footie instead. Have a good day out with Lisa xxx'. Either he doesn't give a toss that i found out or he's trying to make light of things.

 

He hasn't gone home yet find my returned items but I'm sure his flat mate would have texted him. So since the last, nothing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

His response to my text was 'well I could but I prefer to watch the footie instead. Have a good day out with Lisa xxx'. Either he doesn't give a toss that i found out or he's trying to make light of things.

 

He hasn't gone home yet find my returned items but I'm sure his flat mate would have texted him. So since the last, nothing.

 

Somebody who feels bad about what they have done would not have made light of it like that. I think this speaks volumes about his character. He was caught out, he knows it, and he is pretending like everything is hunky dory. He really is a smooth operator.

[Loki71]

'well I could but I prefer to watch the footie instead. Have a good day out with Lisa xxx'.

 

 

Yeah if I was trying to prove I did nothing wrong that would be the last thing I would say to you. I agree this just says he doesn't really care, he feels like you won't do anything and that he can talk his way out of it.

[Supa_gurl]

He may be waiting to talk to you in person regarding your findings, so now he is making light of it. IMO I believe that he is not speaking of it and putting it on the back burner so that he can come up with excuses before he actually talks to you about it.

[amya]

Maybe he think's you're joking.