Physical Attraction - How important is it???

[stayhappy]

Hey Guys,

 

I'm hoping to find out what people think about my situation and how important in general physical attraction is in a relationship compared to other factors.

 

I met a guy online several months ago and we had been talking pretty regularly and getting on really well. Recently we started meeting up on various dates and I really enjoy the time I spend with him getting to know him. He's an honest and absolutely lovely guy who I know would be very committed in a relationship and a joy to be around, and is totally the sort of person I'm looking for on paper. We're both only into proper relationships and don't do one night stands so it's nice to be taking things really slowly, in that we haven't even kissed yet and we've been out about 5 or 6 times now.

 

He's a really nice guy, very respectful, not into the scene at all really and I know that if a relationship did develop, we'd also probably be best friends too which I've not really had before in the true sense.

 

I've only had a couple of relationships, one being very long term so I'm not that experienced in the evolutionary process of relationships or know how different relationships can start off in different ways.

 

The problem for me, and it is pretty pathetic but there nevertheless, is that I'm not overly attracted to him. Don't get me wrong because the guy is good looking and I can see why other people think he is but he's not really the type I find attractive.

 

Also because of this I haven't really been hit by that spark of attraction and don't get that whole butterflies in the stomach anticipation when wanting to see him. This worries me because I'm assuming that that should happen at the start of something but I'm trying to think outside my box and assume that this isn't always the case.

 

Can people tell me whether the butterflies in your stomach feeling is always there at the start or whether sometimes things can develop later down the line.

 

I'm also hoping that as one gets into a relationship that you can become physically attracted to someone over time by the closeness one shares and experiences with them. I know that with my ex I wasn't attracted to him at all initially but was incredibly attracted to him as the relationship went on.

 

However I did though get all that anticipation when meeting him and even though I didn't fancy him initially, after about the second date something clicked into place for me.

Maybe I'm comparing how I felt with my ex after 4 years with someone I've only met up with over 2 weeks and that's not a fair comparison.

 

Ironically this new guy is "better looking" than any of my past relationships but I think I have a weird taste in guys!!!

 

So what do people think? As I said in terms of personal qualities, he's perfect for me and everything that I think I want but I'm not 100% convinced I'm physically attracted.

 

Is this a slow burner or a non burner?

 

Thanks all I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

[Flux]

I'm also hoping that as one gets into a relationship that you can become physically attracted to someone over time by the closeness one shares and experiences with them.

 

Yes, I believe that you can become physically attracted to someone based on an emotional bond that the two of you have, rather than seeing them for the first time and your head saying "I WANT THEM"... if that makes sense.

 

I think when it comes to physical attraction, it is one of those things that can grow and fade overtime. It's like when you look at an ex and think 'Eurgh, he's repulsive! What was I thinking?'. You've lost all attraction to that person based on the experiences the two of you had shared. I'm sure building attraction based on experiences can also happen. I know its happened to me before, the more emotionally attracted I've gotten the the person the more physically appealing they've become to me.

 

Just give it some time and see how things go, if you become emotionally 'involved' so to speak, you will maybe find that he does become more physically attractive to you.

[Lucy__lou]

I'm not going to advise you because I've never had a relationship, but it sounds to me like you're compatible as friends, but not as lovers. And who knows, maybe he feels the same as you.

 

Let me tell you a story. When I was in my reckless early twenties, and travelling, I met a boy who I considered good looking by popular standards, although his good looks didn't really attract me. Anyway, he was interested in having a little fling with me and I though to myself "he's good looking, why wouldn't I want to sleep with him." Anyway, I slept with him and it was the worst sex I ever had. It was so bad it put me off sex for a while after that. He didn't do anything wrong, but I blame the bad sex on the fact there was zero chemistry. My point being that if you pursue a sexual relationship with this guy who you don't have sexual chemistry with, just because he looks good on paper and makes you happy as a friend, you could do yourself some psycho sexual damage. I am no expert, but I think it's easier to build a good relationship on a foundation of strong attraction, than to manifest chemistry out of a lustless friendship.

[Samedy]

I think physical attraction is important. That being said, I think your perception of someone's physical attraction can be changed.

 

I remember, before, I was in a relationship with someone I thought was very attractive. After getting to know her, I found out she wasn't a good person. As a consequence to this, I started finding her less physically attractive.

 

The reverse of this can also be true.

[stayhappy]

I agree that one could be attracted to a partner for ages and once they come out of the relationship can look back and go "what the hell was I thinking?" I know I have definitely been there so the same can presumably be said the other way around.

 

Don't get me wrong I am attracted to this person to an extent but just not head over heels.

His qualities as a person and his views and morals are extremely attractive to me right now and I enjoy the time we spend togeter.

 

I think it's important to be friends with your partner which I've not really had before and I can see that happening this time around but I just haven't got those rose tinted glasses on yet with regards to the physicalness which is why I wonder how important that is in the long term against all the other attributes a person can possess.

[unabashed]

On the one hand, I'd say to give it time. The qualities of a person are what's most important, and you may find him irresistible soon enough. On the other hand, I think we definitely have "types." I have personally found it difficult to muster attraction for someone who is radically different from the type of person I'm usually attracted to. I can love and admire them, and even agree that they are objectively attractive. But, when there's no spark, there's no spark.... Attraction is a very nice part of a good relationship. It isn't everything, but, to me, it's important.

[lukeb]

Its a good question, I dont think there is a general answer. It might be more important to some people than it is to others. I think it is important because of the other issues around it. It is important enough for you to wonder about it. I guess I would say sure play it by ear, see what happens. As time goes on honesty becomes more important. There will be a time when you have to come clean and be honest with the person you are dating.

[pianoguy]

Well, I can tell you that it's pretty important, at least for me. I think it varies from person to person.

 

I dated my last boyfriend for two years, although I was never really attracted to him physically. He was very sweet, everybody liked him, he worshipped the ground I walked on, was a family guy, had the same values as me, etc. etc- but I wasn't attracted to him.

 

I don't know why it took so long for me to break up with him... part of it was cowardice, to be sure. But I don't think you can make yourself be attracted to someone you aren't. And I think you will know fairly early on in the relationship.

 

I would recommend going out a few more times, but if nothing develops soon, I don't think it will ever develop. I regret wasting so much of my exes time...

[misdirection]

I think physical attraction is important. That being said, I think your perception of someone's physical attraction can be changed.

 

I remember, before, I was in a relationship with someone I thought was very attractive. After getting to know her, I found out she wasn't a good person. As a consequence to this, I started finding her less physically attractive.

 

The reverse of this can also be true.

 

True true : )

[stayhappy]

Hi All,

 

Thank you for all your thoughts and comments. It has actually really helped me out and work out how I feel a bit more.

 

I have another question though with regards to dating/relationships in general as I think I'm pretty naive.

 

I've only had one proper relationship in the past, (I came out relatively late) and that was a long term fantastic relationship that began with the initial spark/attraction and it just went up from there until we broke up several months ago for various factors. Although it wasn't me who left.

 

As that's all I really know I'm slightly confused about my current situation because that initial spark hasn't happened yet. This worries me because I wonder whether this person is right for me or not.

 

We've been dating for about 1 month now but have seen each other maybe twice a week. He's a fantastic guy who is great to be around and I know he would be very good for me in that he would probably be the sort of partner that I'm looking for in terms of values, beliefs, shared interests etc but as I have said, I'm not that excited by it all as yet.

 

I was wondering what people thought because I'm perfectly happy to accept that not all relationships start out with a big bang, fireworks and all the rest and these things can come in time. This is not something I have experienced before so I'm being optimistic about it all and not wanting to rush my judgement but at the same time I don't want to be messing people around.

 

What do people think, am I right in thinking that it's not all Hollywood at the beginning or am I wasting my time?

 

I am trying to be a bit more grown up about it all and give it a chance and time to see what may come of it. I know now that I am definitely attracted to him on a level too but just not sure where it may go.

 

Also when I was in my first relationship I was 22 years old and now I'm 30 so maybe my different feelings are just because I'm more grown up now and have now experienced a relationship whereas back then it was a whole new thing for me so I naturally got more caught up in it all.

 

The other thing is I may just be over thinking it all. At the end of the day, love, attraction etc is really all a state of mind so maybe me stressing about it is giving me doubts.

 

I would just like to hear how different relationships have started for people so that I know whether it is about this spark /connection thing or not or whether it's just smoke and mirrors.

 

Thanks

[lukeb]

I guess instead of asking how important is it in general, ask yourself how important is it to you? If you genuinely like being around him, he is a great guy to live, travel etc with, then who knows the chemistry may come in time. Perhaps you simply need to know him better before you feel can trust your heart to him. The last guy ran out on you, what is so different about this guy? I think the biggest problem might be that you feel you are not honest with him and to be honest is to hurt his feelings.

[mylove]

For me physical attraction is important but after I fell in love twice I realized that sumtimes when u think u really love sumone u are at first attracted to them physically,and after that if you connect emotionally the bond stregthens even further...and in the second case the girl i am in love with right now isnt that physically attractive but we bonded so well emotionally that all of the sudden she seems so sexy to me!!its like she has the hottest body around..so I definitely feel that its in our mind,heart and most importantly how we bond emotionally that creates the level of physical attractiveness.. is what I feel!

[stayhappy]

Thanks guys. It's really nice to read stuff and for people to bother to give advice. I wish I had discovered this website when I was in my last relationship cos had I done so back then I may have avoided the mistakes I probably ended up making.

 

So I can see now that with regards to physicality, this can either be there at the beginning or in time. I think I'd rather be someone that was attracted to the person first and then what they look like rather than the other way around, or at least for what I want.

 

I just hope that I get all smitten like I have in the past. I think I'm the sort of person that needs that chase element because it seems to stimulate my desires and in this case there isn't really any chase because we're both taking it so slowly so that may contribute to how I'm feeling.

 

One question though: are people always smitten at the start and really caught up in that chemical reaction of theromones or can sometimes it just be very casual and cool and just calmly develop?

[pianoguy]

I think it can develop sometimes.

 

I think, though, that you need to be on the watch for the difference between being attracted to someone and WANTING to be attracted. One of the reasons I kept my ex around for so long is because I WANTED to be attracted- he was good for me, we had a lot in common, we could have built a happy life together, etc. etc. Anyways, I ended up WANTING to be attracted so badly that I ended up killing any chances of there being any real attraction.

 

Anyways, are you still in love with the guy you broke up with? Be honest. How long ago was that?