PP II vs NC. What to do???

[kvan]

Hello All,

 

First of all, I would really like thank Majord and SuperDave for all their advise. I found this site a month ago and have really appreciated all of their wisdom that can be found by scanning through the threads. I have used their advise with success, but am now at a stage where I'm not sure how to move forward. There is so much information and it is hard to process it all and apply it to my situation; which is as follows:

 

Having been your pretty typical no relationship guy my entire dating life, I have always been the dumper. I have had some year plus relationships and even lived with a GF for a couple years, but they were not would you would call "Loving" realationships. Although I can honestly say that I never led women on, did treat them with respect and always told them straight up that I was not a relationship guy, they always thought they could change me and were disappointed when the inevitable day arrived.

 

Last spring, with my 30th birthday looming in the near future, I had an epiphany and realized that I was truly ready to start a meaningful relationship, and start to build a life with someone. I started really searching for the one and within a couple months met an amazing girl through a friend; the girl of my dreams that I did not have to make one single concession for. From the moment we met we were inseparable. After about a month she had a really bad situation with her roommate so I told her to stay with me until she could find a place for the beginning of the following month. Well, we ended up moving to another place together and started to really build something. Things were amazing. The only thing that worried me was that she had just gotten out of a two year relationship a month before we met with a * * * * * who was emotionally and physically abusive.

 

After about 4 months, things were still great but I had a career opportunity that could not be turned down. It was in a resort town about an hour and a half drive away. My girl was extremely supportive and thought it was a great idea. The thought of breaking up never even came up initially. Finally when we were moving all my stuff to my new place, I told her that we needed to talk. I said that I loved her but if she didn't want to do a long distance relationship I would understand. She said she loved me and that it wasn't a big deal. I told her that I really wanted to have a future with her, but since we were going to be doing the long distance thing for a while, I thought we needed to make sure that our expectations of one another were clearly defined and that our future goals for our relationship were as well. She agreed. The talk went well and we decided that one of us would move within the next year to be with the other. I suggested, and she then promised me, that if one of us started to have issues or doubts we would communicate and discuss it before it became detrimental.

 

As the city was still close, I would come to see her once or twice a week and she would come up to see me at least once every two weeks. we were so excited to see each when we did, that things were almost better than when we saw each other everyday. Then after about three months of this, out of the blue, she tells me on my cell while driving down, "I think we need to break up". She said that (I am 30 and she is 24 by the way) She hadn't been single since her teens and that she needed time to find herself. she said she still loved me dearly and I was the best BF she could ever hope for, but still gave me the cliche "Its not you, its me". She is a professional dancer and made up her mind that she was going to take advantage of a job offer in London come winter. She said she didn't want to be in a position where she passed up an opportunity because she couldn't bare to leave me (She passed up a two year contract with a huge production company in Vegas when she was with her ex).

 

Two weeks after the break up I got transfered back to head office in the city which was great. What wasn't great was the way I started acting. I did the typical rookie dumpee things, which I later figured out from this site, just pushed her away more. She would call and say that she missed me and wanted to spend time together. I would then get really emotionally upset and push getting back together when seeing her, and she would get pissed off. It all culminated after about a month and a half of this repeating itself. The night basically involved a lot of Crown Royal , a broken windshield and her crying (our first fight ever). Prior to that on that day, we had actually made the most headway yet, and the last I remember we were walking around a touristy area holding hands, making out, and her saying how she still loved and missed me. We had even actually decided to go away for the long weekend in July together (6 weeks away) and talk about reconciling. Well like I said, there was a lot of Crown involved and I'm not a drinker anymore so the rest is kind of a blur; still don't know the details on how the outcome manifested. She claims not to know either but I don't believe her.

 

After that, I thought she would never talk to me again. I sent her an email with a sincere apology, but never expected to hear back. A couple weeks later she called and said she knew that wasn't me and that her actions were what started it all. She said that her position still hadn't changed but to call her if I needed anything. A couple weeks later I called to arrange the final exchange of things we had left at each other's places. We had both been avoiding this for months. A week later I went to get my stuff and had a quick talk. I didn't ask about getting back together and didn't let myself get emotional but did ask "So where do we stand?" She said she had to think about it so would call me when she got back from a TV shoot she was doing in Toronto in two weeks. About three weeks later she called and said she wanted to go hang out at the beach together on the weekend. I initially told her that I had plans, as I did, so suggested "I guess another time." She expressed some disappointment and suggested we go for brunch and just hang for a couple hours. I agreed then pushed back my other commitment.

 

Now, this brings us to today. At noon we met, went for brunch then went down to the beach. Things were going well and we were just hanging out, catching up on family and friends and all the stuff we used to talk about on a daily basis. When on the beach, a girl I have been very casually seeing called; probably because I hadn't called like I said I would the night before. I figured well, why not, perfect opportunity to have her hear how I am moving on. I got up, walked to the side a bit and took the call, but was still close enough that she could hear what I was saying. I apologized for not calling her the night before and agreed to meet up with her later.

 

When I got back, the ex acted a little weird so I told her that I had been dating a bit and asked her if she had been dating anyone; I actually already knew she had from mutual friends. She relied yes she had gone out with a guy a couple times. She then said, "Awkward" almost under her breath. I didn't let it show that I was mad, even though I was boiling inside. When I asked her if she liked the guy she replied, "I don't know." I then said semi jokingly, "well since you are ready to start dating again, when you going to let me take you out?" She replied that she wasn't ready for that yet but would let me know when she was.

 

We then spent another hour hanging out, at which point I had to leave due to prior commitments I had explained to her when we set the "friend" date. When I left I gave her a hug and asked again if she would call me when she was ready to let me take her out. She said she wanted to hang out again sometime soon, and yes, she would let me know when she was ready to let me take her out on a real date.

 

I actually just called a buddy and due to the glare on my screen didn't realize I called the ex by accident as they were side by side in my incoming calls. I didn't want to not leave a message because of call display so left a nice message saying I enjoyed getting caught up and looked forward to hearing from her so we could "hang" again.

 

After this I started playing mind games on myself again and got pissed off about her dating. I wrote a huge long email giving her an ultimatum saying not to call me unless she came to her senses and was willing to give us another chance, or at least would be honest with me about why she broke up with me. Her actions contradict the reasoning she gave me so I am extremely confused. Luckily I came to my senses by B-Slapping myself then coming on here, prior to hitting send on the email. Thank goodness!

 

So here I am now. I figured I needed to get some help before I do something which I will regret. My career, my family, my friends - basically everything in my life is awesome. But, I still can't get the ex out of my mind and want her back more than anything I have ever wanted. I'm not an emotional train wreck but I do realize how I am being compulsive about getting her back. She is the girl of my dreams and I will not give up!

 

So now, do I just drop off the face of the earth and implement NC or do I put PP II into effect, or a combo of the two??? PP II is hard and I have doubts on whether I will be able to implement it without messing it up. I love this girl so am willing to try almost anything if I can convince myself it will be the best chance at reconciliation.

 

Well, I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read this long story and give me their feedback. At the least, it feels great to be able to communicate my situation. My friends, including my girlfriends, all think she's a B for breaking up with me so want nothing to do with the situation, and surely do not want to hear about my issues surrounding getting her back. I really need some help on what to do next. I think I am actually in a good position currently considering how badly I messed it up 6 weeks ago, so don't want to mess it up again. Thanks everyone, and good luck with your situation. Cheers..

[Reilly2856]

Personally, I think you should step back a bit. You put it out there twice, and she has said that she'll let you know when she is interested in going out with you again. So, all you can do is wait. If you press this matter, it will become a classic case of you chasing her, and she running away from you. Oftentimes, the more you chase, the more you inflate your ex's ego...the more they ran away. I know you feel like she is your dream girl, but you have to let her feel that you are her dream guy. In order to do that, you can't always be the one chasing her and telling her how you feel and so forth. She needs to feel like she's lost you...that you're interest may be depleting for her to wake up and come after you. I know, it sounds like I'm asking you to play games. But then again, who cares really? All that matters is the prize at the end, does it not?

[kvan]

Thanks Reilly. Its nice to get a woman's point of view. She said she was going to call me to hang out again soon so I'm going to give it a bit and see if she does. If I don't hear from her in the next couple weeks I will call her to set up another hang out.

 

I've been reading a lot more about NC and there are a lot of good points on here. To fully implement NC is what we call in my business a takeaway. Its like making a bluff and it can definitely backfire. She does get lots of attention from guys so I don't want her to forget about me. I need to make sure I am still in the mix without putting pressure on her.

 

This is why I thought PP II would be perfect. Its then just a matter of being emotionally strong enough to not get upset about her seeing other people. I realize that I am too, but that is just to help me keep my sanity.

[deang]

Kvan, I know NC is tough for you and you are worried because she gets lots of attention. I'm in a very similar boat. The thing is these women are used to guys chasing them. She knows she has you right now but what if she didn't know that...this is a girl used to getting what she wants. Look at you..you are a successful guy used to getting what you want and you can't have her right now and it's driving you nuts. Maybe you can reverse this? I've done it but it takes time and you really need to get over them somewhat so that if they do come back you can be in control of yourself and not chase them off. I'm thinking NC for a couple of weeks then post what you are feeling on here and we'll try and evaluate your next move.

[bramage]

WHat is PP II? Im a noob, sorry. I agree with Deang, and Im in the same boat. My (ex) is 8 years younger, and hot as hell. WHen I think about her, I fall apart, but I didnt like the way she was acting, so I bailed. I want her back, but on my terms.

 

I am doing the 30 day (minimum) NC. If she calls, texts or e-mails, Im not gonna take it.

 

If she calls after that I will, and if she asks why I didnt take her calls, Ill say I had some stuff to work out for myself. At that point, Ill be availiblke, but barely, and WILL NOT bring up the option of getting back together. I will be cordial, but will not persue!

 

If she brings up the option of reconsiliation, I will explain that the way it was did not work for me, and I would ask what has chamged that would make me want to get involved. (And I will never be too availible ever again- I have a life, remember)

 

If she doesn't call now or after the 30 days, I know there is nothing I could have done or said to change that. You can not manipulte people into loving you. You can remind them how valuable you are, and this is done with complete NC.. If you talk, chat, IM or txt, all you do is push them away.

 

So I will let you know what happens. Either way, Ill end up happy, and thats the goal. If she comes around, under my terms, Ill have the upper hand, and will not give it back. If she doesnt come back.. oh well.. not worth my time

[kvan]

Thanks Guys,

 

Some great points there and gives me some food for thought. I was actually just at the beach and there she was walking past with her best friend. Over 20 miles of beach in this city and 100s of thousands of people on them, and she walked right in front of me. Even though she didn't see me initially, I acted on reaction and stood up so she could see me and come over. She did look happy to see me. We exchanged hellos and she continued on her way. No talk of calling one another or anything like that.

 

So, I am going to wait and see how long it is before she calls. When she does, I'm not going to answer and wait to come on here and see what kind of suggestions I can get. I am thinking that avoiding her for a bit, then transition into PP II could be really effective, but I'm going to wait until the time comes to decide for sure.

 

Before I go, I just wanted to state that I do really appreciated everyone's help. After reading though my story again, I can see how I can maybe come off as someone who is just wanting something because I can't have it. I assure you this is not the case. Like almost everyone, I have dealt with rejection in the past, I just didn't let it effect me. With my ex, I came to the realization long before the breakup that she could possibly be the love of my life and that I really wanted to build something that would hopefully last a life time. That is why I will not let myself give up; at least not yet.

 

So, thanks again to everyone for your advice and support. I am definitely going to stay involved with this site and pass on any knowledge gained from applying the ideas found here. I am hoping this turns out to be a success story which can then contribute to other success stories in the future. I wish you all the best of luck with your situation. Cheers..

[bramage]

Got it. I found it last night and read through it. The plan looks good, but its not good for my situation. In my case, I had the upper hand with this girl for a long time. I finally really fell in love with her, and when trying to make up for my past, I handed her the keys. Well, she doesnt drive very well, so the only way our thing will work out, is if she goes back to chasing. With the upper hand, Ill be back in the drivers seat, and whether she knows it or not, thats what she has always wanted!

 

I have no idea if she will chase again, but Ill tell you this: She chases, or nothing, because Im out, and Im having fun. Heck, even if she does roll back around, Im not going to be jumping immediately back into a c*ap situation. The advice here is all so good, that I have a lot of hope for my future, with or without her!

[kvan]

Well, after seeing her a couple times on the weekend and not getting any solid signs of hope of a reconciliation, I made some decisions which I will now have to stand by.

 

I was just planning how I was going to implement PP II when I came to a realization. I have been so caught up in getting back the ex, that I have stopped respecting myself. I discovered that in order for me to implement PP II in my situation, I would have to put my self-worth and healing on hold.

 

So, I called her and told her I didn't think us hanging out was going to work out as it was making me loose respect for myself. I told her that if she had second thoughts about us, I would always be willing to listen, but the window of opportunity would only get smaller as time goes on. She said she would still call me to see if I wanted to go for coffee or something soon. I told her not to be surprised if I don't answer.

 

So, now that NC has been implemented, I have no choice but to stick to it. If she comes back she does, if she doesn't then it wasn't meant to be and I didn't waste a whole summer feeling sorry for myself. Either way, I am going to start to focus on myself and loving myself again, and get out there and find one of the numerous women in this city that will appreciate what I have to offer.

 

The information found through this site has been invaluable in helping me begin to heal. Again, I thank everyone for their contributions and wish everyone luck with their situations. I will update as things change. Cheers.

[deang]

awesome outlook kvan...I'm sure you are going to come out of this fine.