Feel like I am losing my best friend, my wife!

[Shesmyeverything]

I don't usually post on forums, but feel like I need to vent my feelings to someone who will listen. I am 39yo and have been with my wife for 17 years and married for 11. We have 4 beautiful children together ages 15, 8, 5 and 11 months. We have a nice home and make a decent living, but as alot of people, have times when we struggle and always seem to make it work. The first 5 years of marriage where almost to good to be true. We always spent time together and where very close in all ways. As time has gone on things have gotten alot different, with the last year being the worst by far. My wife is a very busy person and has alot of responsibilty in her job (RN intensive care) and works varied hours, so I am very understanding of her sleep needs. I get up everyday and get our kids up, dressed, give them breakfast and off to school. I get up at night with our baby when he wakes and take care of his needs and deal with any of the children should they wake at night when they are sick. I also do most (90%) of the cooking, housework, laundry, bills and finances. Now, I tell you this because I am not the type of guy who thinks it is a woman job to stay home and not have her own identity and I am more than willing to do my share of the work, but not all of it. My wife never seems to have any time for me or want to make time, but has no problem making time for friends. When it come to intimacy, she is very distant and most times will not even touch me during lovemaking. I mean, I have to do everything from foreplay to finish with no touching from her. Communication is another issue, as everytime I time to tell her my feelings, she says I am complaining and expect to much from her. I tell her if there is something bothering her, then we can discuss it and work through it together, as I want to help, but she says nothing is wrong. I do not know what to do, I miss my best friend and want her back. I am not tooting my own horn, but I consider myself a better then average husband and family man and feel that my needs are important also. I believe that a marriage is work and we need to work at it to keep the spark alive. I am always either at work (50 hrs/wk) or at home, so I am not out getting into trouble and being a bad husband. I just wish my wife would tell me she misses me, ask to make love, ask to spend time or something to let me know she needs me in her life, but she never does. I am left feeling very sad, depressed and emotionally hurt. Sorry if I am rambling, but I am having a hard time getting this out. Thank you in advance for any responses and for caring enough to read my post.

[Aschleigh]

Have you told her everything you told us here?

You could even print this out and give it to her? You deserve to be listened to.

It's ok to make a big deal about this until you feel listened to.

[Shesmyeverything]

Have you told her everything you told us here?

You could even print this out and give it to her? You deserve to be listened to.

It's ok to make a big deal about this until you feel listened to.

 

I believe that is what hurts the most. She knows exactly how I feel, as I have told her numerous times. It has gotten so bad, that I now just tell her to get it off my chest but really don't expect her to make an effort. At least I feel a little better saying how I feel.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Perhaps it is now time to lay down the law. Tell her that it is no longer acceptable for her to not address these issues, that you are unhappy, that she is clearly not happy and that the marriage is in serious trouble. You can tell her that you want to make this work and are interested in going to marriage counselling to work through the issues. Ask her if she is willing to go to marriage counselling. Before you have a talk with her, I would strongly suggest that you get some information about your legal rights in case of a separation and possibly divorce..custody issues, financial issues, what happens with the house etc. You need to have that information just in case she doesn't want to work out the issues. It is better to be prepared for the worst then to have to scramble around getting information after the fact when she could beat you to the punch on these matters. You need to be a few steps ahead of her in case she is re-thinking this marriage and has already done her homework. So, if she tells you that she doesn't want to go to counselling, then it is up to you whether you keep the status quo and remain miserable, or you take the bull by the horns and talk about separation. She would either be happy about separating because the relationship is dead to her, or it will be her wakeup call to start listening to you and working on fixing what is broken.

[doyathink]

I agree, you sound like a caring man, and loving husband. You need to tell her these things. Sometimes the daily routine, and life make us forget the most important ppl ....our family. Sometimes we take those ppl for granted, and think they'll understand...

You need to talk to her. Communication is key in marriage, and so are your needs.

 

edit. sorry, I hadn't read your reply. Then wake her up! Let her know you have to have more.

[Shesmyeverything]

I have asked about counseling and she refuses because she thinks everything is fine. I have also told her that I cannot live this way forever and do not believe this is what marriage is suppose to be. Her response, "I love you, but do what you have to do"

[PulsarSpin]

CAD make some very good points here.

Listen.

 

You have tried harder than alot of people would have.

You have value and deserve answers.

Talking separation or divorce may seem extreme to you, but you need to lay down the law as she said.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have asked about counseling and she refuses because she thinks everything is fine. I have also told her that I cannot live this way forever and do not believe this is what marriage is suppose to be. Her response, "I love you, but do what you have to do"

 

 

Then maybe it is time to call her bluff...if it is indeed a bluff. She sounds very arrogant and it is time you put her in her place by taking charge of your life and not accepting the disrespect she is clearly showing you. She really really is disrespecting you...her attitude is appalling and it sounds to me like she doesn't think you would ever have the courage to walk away from the marriage.

[Aschleigh]

then it may be time to get a lawyer . If you said to her " I want to separate but since I take care of the kids, I would like us to live here and for you to get an apartment, the alternative is to commit to marriage counseling until things are much better "

Do you think this would have an effect? Sounds like it's ultimatum time.

[doyathink]

I would ask her to take a walk with you, and tell her you're serious. A week or two apart may be in order to shake her core.

[Shesmyeverything]

Believe me, I have thought of all that. I just love my kids and spending time with them. Don't get me wrong by my first post, I do not consider being the person who takes care of the kids all the time to be a curse, to me it is a blessing as alot of Dads don't get the chance or care to be the caregiver. Between my family and my fulltime job, I am also busy, but I will ALWAYS have time for my wife. Just don''t know if I can leave them

[Shesmyeverything]

I would ask her to take a walk with you, and tell her you're serious. A week or two apart may be in order to shake her core.

 

She told me last week she is taking a 5 day vacation alone at the end of July, but would not tell me where she was going. She just said she wanted to rest and not be bothered.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Talk to a lawyer..there may be some way to show that you have taken on the role of primary caregiver to your children so that you would get the house and the kids and she would have to move. Remember, you children are learning from this...they are watching their father being disrespected and treated like a doormat...if they learn that, they could carry that into their relationships.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She told me last week she is taking a 5 day vacation alone at the end of July, but would not tell me where she was going. She just said she wanted to rest and not be bothered.

 

 

I wonder if she is having an affair and she is going away with loverboy. I wonder if you can change the locks while she is gone and get the wheels in motion for separation. I would also start investigating to see if she is cheating on you. She is so completely disrespecting you.

[doyathink]

She told me last week she is taking a 5 day vacation alone at the end of July, but would not tell me where she was going. She just said she wanted to rest and not be bothered.

 

Are you sure she isn't stepping out on you? That sounds fishy.

[doyathink]

I wonder if she is having an affair and she is going away with loverboy. I wonder if you can change the locks while she is gone and get the wheels in motion for separation. I would also start investigating to see if she is cheating on you. She is so completely disrespecting you.

 

I see were on the same page. lol

[Shesmyeverything]

No I am not sure. She has recently started changing things lately. Like she never really did her makeup and hair to much before work, now she does everyday. She has also started going out with the "girls" for a couple of drinks every so othen after her shifts ends at 11pm and has worked a few more overnights. I have mentioned my concerns only to be told I am crazy. I tell her "Well how should I feel"

[Aschleigh]

She is going away for 5 days and not telling you where she is going! She has an 11 month old who should be still breastfeeding . This is totally unacceptable.

What is it about you that puts up with this? Get out, this borders on abuse.

How is she with her children? Is she available? Tell the lawyer that she went away for 5 days, was unreachable. This is abandonment. Get a lawyer now.

wow, being single looks good right now.

[Shesmyeverything]

You really want to laugh! I am doing her laundry and folding scrubs while I type. What is wrong with that!

[skyegl]

Maybe you need to make yourself less obvious/available to her. Maybe she is bored with no challenges as far as you are concerned. Perhaps you can do something to bring back some excitement and unpredictability back into the marriage. Think about what it was that made you attractive to her 17 years ago. Start to think of ways you can instill some excitement back into the marriage. FOUR kids! That's a big load. Consider whether she is fulfilled as a mother and wife ALONE. There is MUCH MUCH more to a woman that those TWO things. Has she lost her identity as person in her own right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is cheating on you...those are all classic signs. You have become her doormat. Time for you to stop doing things for her, time for you to tell her to sling her hook. You need to get really tough...she is very very likely cheating on you .

[doyathink]

No I am not sure. She has recently started changing things lately. Like she never really did her makeup and hair to much before work, now she does everyday. She has also started going out with the "girls" for a couple of drinks every so othen after her shifts ends at 11pm and has worked a few more overnights. I have mentioned my concerns only to be told I am crazy. I tell her "Well how should I feel"

 

Hold on guys.....do you really think he should be divorcing her right at this moment?

 

OP....first things first. Can you hire a PI? If it were me, in my honest opinion I would be finding out if she was having an affair. If she is, you have the right to know, and then can make a choice on what to do then. If she isn't, and her outings are legit, then you still have serious issues on your hands. She is disconnected from you and her family...thats for sure. Now you need to find out why.

[doyathink]

Maybe you need to make yourself less obvious/available to her. Maybe she is bored with no challenges as far as you are concerned. Perhaps you can do something to bring back some excitement and unpredictability back into the marriage. Think about what it was that made you attractive to her 17 years ago. Start to think of ways you can instill some excitement back into the marriage. FOUR kids! That's a big load. Consider whether she is fulfilled as a mother and wife ALONE. There is MUCH MUCH more to a woman that those TWO things. Has she lost her identity as person in her own right?

 

That makes a lot of sense. Most of us have been here a time or two.

[Shesmyeverything]

Maybe you need to make yourself less obvious/available to her. Maybe she is bored with no challenges as far as you are concerned. Perhaps you can do something to bring back some excitement and unpredictability back into the marriage. Think about what it was that made you attractive to her 17 years ago. Start to think of ways you can instill some excitement back into the marriage. FOUR kids! That's a big load. Consider whether she is fulfilled as a mother and wife ALONE. There is MUCH MUCH more to a woman that those TWO things. Has she lost her identity as person in her own right?

 

I totally agree with you 100%. This are different for both of us now and I don't expect things to be the same, but we still need to have SOME time to be us and remember what started all of this 17 years ago. I tell her it is important for her to have her own identity not just that of mom and wife and tell her to get out with her friends every once in a while to be herself. As far as being like I was back then, not the best idea, as I was very immature and not always in tune with her needs, but I have been committed to her and her needs since we got married. I love her more now than I did then and would love to make this work. It just might not be it the cards.

[skyegl]

How fishy does THAT sound kiddo???