Now to move on - but how?

[msfoolish]

My ex and i split up 6 wks ago. its been so so hard. I adored him, idolised him i guess and when we split i thought it was the end of my world as i knew it My (our) future shattered, over i the blink of an eye.

 

I tried NC but failed miserably, and so did he. we text, we talked, met up, he told me he missed me, still loved me but was so confused. we talked about reconcilliation and said we would spend time together to see how we both felt, but then he kept letting me down, not calling or texting but then saying sorry after a couple of days and saying we'd do something together and then doing the same, letting me down again.

 

finally one of my friends saw him and said he had to stop messing me around, if he never had any intention of being with me he should tell me. Immediately after he text me saying he thought about it and he just cant get back with me cos theres too many memories.

 

Now i'm left wondering how someone who was with you for nearly 2 years, and who knew how upset you were could do this? I never did all the iniciating, he used to text me to talk about us and how he missed and still loved me too! Did he feel sorry for me, guilt, lonely or was he just keeping me there till something better came along?

 

I'm a complete mess! in 6 week i havent stopped crying, i've lost weight, i cant sleep and i just think about him the time. i just want to shut myself away, i cant stand too much noise around me and need everything to be calm. I'm finding it very hard to keep myself together at work. If i wasnt self employed i would have taken some time off, cos i'm finding dealing with my clients on quite a personal level too much to deal with. They ask me about my personal life and i nearly break down, a couple of times i've just burst into tears! Definitely not good!!!!

 

I know everyone says keep busy etc, see friends, look after yourself but i'm feeling broken. I'm looking after my kids, working 2 jobs, looking after my 2 dogs and its all really feeling too much for me. I have no family support as such but i have one good friend that is helping me through. i just feel so sad all the time and feel like i'm so close to a break down.

 

How do i move on now and be happy again?

 

Plaese help XXX

[Clabs]

Morning hun.

 

Sorry you are still struggling with this, I really am.

 

The problem is that you allowed him to string you along - and all that does is prolong your hurt and pain whilst you cling to every last bit of hope.

 

He did this for his own selfish end - to keep you dangling around - to be there when he felt lonely. You have to learn that people become very different when they break up with you. It is a different ball game and all bets are off.

 

Your friend has done you a favour here in confronting him and telling him he has to stop messing you about. As hard as it is, there is your answer - he doesn't want to get back with you. I am not sure what the hell "too many memories" means - but at the end of the day, it is an answer never the less.

 

You need to start from scratch now - don't contact him anymore. Take it a day at a time for now - feel sad and cry when you need to. But know that you won't be getting back together. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - it just means he is a bit of a jerk. At the end of the day, he doesn't want in.

 

Slowly and surely you will get through this. Lean on your good friend for support, and come back here often because we all know what you are going through. It will take a time for you to be happy again, but it will come. You sound like a super, loving, kind and hard working lady. Never forget that - never forget your worth in all of this, ok?

 

Take it easy hun - and look after yourself.

 

Mark

[meaningsearcher]

Eegads, this sounds awful. I don't know if there really is a way. Sometimes the only thing that can help is time. It's a sucky answer for a sucky situation. The only thing I can offer is to try and stay proactive in the situation and not reactive. Why did you guys break up to begin with?

[msfoolish]

He is alot younger than me, and we'd been arguing alot about him being selfish and going out with his mates alot, also i had a birthday coming up and had been very insecure about the age difference etc. you can see my other threads but i'm not sure how, new to here XXX

[msfoolish]

I'm just finding the pressure of work too much at the moment. and i dont know what to do really. I'm so stressed all the time and i dont want to be around people i dont know. I just want to hide away. Just dealing wiht evry day life is hard enough, cleaning cooking washing looking after the kids etc. I just wish i could take some time off to heal but i cant and the pressure is really getting too much. really feel like i'm heading for a break down!

 

I sound so weak and pathetic, but i feel really fragile at the moment and need some peace. what should i do? i tried anti depressants but the initial side affects were so bad, i felt worse emotionally and physically i didnt feel able to drive, or work so i had to stop taking them. I am going to counselling, but thats a slow process. What do i do now?

[Clabs]

Hey MS

 

You can look at previous posts by clicking on someones username on the left there and there will be a drop down box with the option to find all messages by that poster - hope that helps!

 

The problem for you here was that you are both in very different life stages due to your ages. He may look older and you may look younger - and hey, what are looks anyway. But you are all ready to nest, and he is all ready to party. There is not much you can do about that and you know this.

 

Keep on posting - help other people out on here - keep walking forwards. Focus on all the great things you have in your life. Focus on what you have achieved. Focus on you.

 

Mark

[Clabs]

I know that even normal everyday things like cooking and cleaning and looking after kids can be quite stressfull during these times. Try to go easy on yourself though - don't beat yourself up. So don't do cleaning for a bit - so what? Get some takeaways in. Slob about when you can. Just know that you aren't pathetic - you are going through the mangle and you have to accept that you won't be able to do eveything just right for now.

 

Mark

[msfoolish]

I know Clabs, we are at different life stages. and for that reason i know i have to let him go now especially after whats happened over the last couple of weeks. Keeping him with me in some way would have been so selfish, he needs to experience things in life. But it doesnt stop me loving him any less and missing him every second of the day.

 

I've been thru break ups and even a divorce but none have been this hard. I think i put him on a pedestal and just thought he was perfect. any imperfections i put down to his age and made allowances for this. But i guess that was a bit foolish.

 

i just dont know how to deal with my situation now. Like i said work is becoming a problem, i cry on the way to work and on the way home, its dread on the way there and relief on the way home. I'm seriously considering packing it in, but i'll let so many people down and i hate that. I just dont know what to do.

 

Thank you so much for all your kind words XXX

[Clabs]

Ah - the old pedestal problem - that sucks when you allow yourself to put someone up there. I did it too - lots of us have. But at the end of the day, he is just a human being with all the same faults as the rest of us. It is a foolish thing to do because you kind of idolise them when they are gone.

 

That is a very caring attitude that you have - that you realise that it would have been selfish to try to hold onto him. I know that it doesn't stop you from loving him or missing him though.

 

I think you need to think carefully about your work situation. It may be hard - very hard, at the moment but if you do pack it in, you will likely feel worse through your guilt in letting people down - oh - and you won't have a job! You will sit about and feel miserable all day long. At least work is forcing you to get up and go - even if it is tough. Just think carefully - do nothing in haste - ok?

 

Keep strong as you are able hun, ok.

 

Mark

[msfoolish]

Just dont know how to get throught the day sometimes. in my job as a nail technician i have to practically hold hands with my clients for over an hour, i become their 'friend', they tell me about their life, troubles family etc and i always feel i have to be happy. this is becoming so so hard to do.

 

They ask me about my life and ask 'Oh hows Dave?@ and i just want to break down and i have a couple of times. Its so hard. I also have a few clients i dont like that much and dealing with them is very hard. obviously i would never let them know i dont like them very much, but pretending is so much harder when you feel as emotionally fragile as i do!

 

Its becoming so i dread every minute of it!

[Clabs]

Aw hun - I know how hard this must be. That type of job where you are "friendly" with all the chit chat that goes on. My barber used to keep on bringing all this stuff up and I hated it. I don't have any real pearls of wisdom or magic answer because you have to get through it - as hard as it seems right now. Either that, or as you say, pack it all in. But what would you do instead? What would pay the bills?

 

It will get easier - as more people find out, my guess is that they will learn to talk about something else. And slowly and surely, you will start to feel a bit better about your situation and it won't affect you so much.

 

Just be kind to yourself, ok? It is still VERY early days for you.

 

Mark

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Hello Ms Foolish (who ISNT foolish at all!)

 

its ok to feel as bad as you do right now, in fact, its NORMAL.

 

Youve just lost the love of your life and there are reminders all around. (Even if not physical then emotional ones as in your clients ask about him).

 

Your not having a breakdown, your just feeling really really lousy and even the smallest thing can set you off crying i suspect.

 

Your doing ok, more than ok, your on here and getting support and thats the first step.

 

next take control of the situation. Go completely NO CONTACT. There is a thread by superdave71 that explains the purpose of this so I wont go into it here, but that more than anything else has helped me get over my love. (I dont know how to put a link in for it but someone else may know)

 

In a nutshell, going no contact does two things. Firstly and most importantly in my book, it helps your brain forget them. 'What you focus on grows' (cant remember who said this) but its true. Not speaking about him or contacting him does the opposite and he becomes unimportant to your daily life. Secondly, creating the space between you this way allows the emotions to calm down and he will begin to remember you with fondness and not like a screaming banshee! and who knows, the good memories might (i just say might) also prompt him to contact you to see how your doing.

 

You have a lot going for you, you just dont realise it. He clearly still has feelings for you, he's just not sure your his life partner so has pulled away. The age difference seems to be an issue for him from what you've said, but dont focus on this right now, focus on you.

 

Your a nail technician so I'm guessing you have nice nails and take care of yourself etc. If theres anything you'd like to change about yourself now's the time to do it. Get your confidence and self belief sky high, so you go about your life with your head high and a smile on your face (fake it till you make it). Watch films that really make you laugh, and make a list of what you want in your life.

 

On this list DONT think about what you dont want, ONLY write down what you do. write what you want to bring into your life and also the qualities you would like in your life partner. get a fridge magnet and put it on the fridge and read it daily, focus on how your going to bring these things about so that when your ex makes contact to see how your doing.. you'll be doing GREAT!!!!

 

If your not able to take time off work because its not financially viable, take the odd afternoon off and do something you really enjoy. A change is as good as a rest as they say, and it really perks your spirits up when you realise you CAN have a good time without them.

 

Lastly, dont lose hope. Your going to be ok and come out the other side, even if it all seems bleak right now. ITS NOT, promise x

 

Theres someone lovely out there and he's got your name on him! who knows, by the time your ex makes contact again (and I suspect he will if you LEAVE HIM COMPLETELY ALONE) you wont want him!!!

 

chin up, Hope x

[msfoolish]

H S E, thank you so much, even your post made me cry. I know i'll feel better one day, its just the loss i feel not having him in my life is so huge. Yes i really do feel like he was the love of my life and i've never really felt that before.

 

I am going to visit a friend in cyprus in a week or so, although i dont really want to go i feel like i have to make myself, i might have a good time. I'm going without the kids so i will have time to myself, although i feel a bit guilty about this.

 

I just want to stop loving him!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

you will, just like you fell in love, you will fall out when you start to see him in a different light. There are a quite a few people on the forum whos ex's showed up when they were over them! its always the way!

 

do your list and read it often.. have a nice Saturday, Im off shopping now (my favourite!!)

 

Hopey x

[msfoolish]

Well its another day and i made it thru the night. I,m still bloody crying! Its so hard thinking about him. I s he with someone else, is he really happy, did he make the right decision? Why did he string me along? was he bored , lonely or just cruel? All these questions and no way of getting any answers! I feel so sad. I just dont know how to stop thinking about him!

 

I try to keep my mind busy but my thoughts always end up with him! I wonder if he's even given me a second thought?

[Clabs]

Hey ms

 

Well - as you say - another day. Sorry you are still crying hun - it sucks, doesn't it?

 

You will have lots of those questions rushing about your head for a while - that sucks too but it IS normal. That is the most unsatisfying part - not being able to get any answers. Having said that, there are some things that are just as well you don't find out. You will also find that whatever the questions - even if you did get answers, they would likely lead to more and more questions - and it is quite possible he won't have any answers for you anyway.

 

You can't stop yourself thinking about him - you have to give it some time and slowly the thoughts will fade away - but it could well take quite a bit of time - be prepared!

 

Take care honey - look after yourself - and keep taking this a day at a time.

 

Mark

[amystar]

Msfoolish,

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this hon. I know how you feel. But YOU WILL BE OK!!!! It's been 5 weeks since the break up for me today! I can't believe I made it through 5 weeks already.

 

Don't you wish there was a magic pill we could take to make the love we have for them go away? I'm sure you have been offered similar advice, but here goes....

 

First of all, don't blame yourself for any of this, there is nothing that you have done to cause this pain you are in. It's ok to feel the way you're feeling, you will be fine but it will take time. Always remember, you had a life before him, you can have a life after him as well. Ultimately, the one person that will take care of you is YOU!!!!! You sound like a wonderful person and I'm sure he will regret what has happened. You don't deserve this pain, you deserve somebody who will love you unconditionally. Take this as an opportunity to discover yourself as the amazing person you truly are!

 

There are a few things that have helped me tremendously, I'm sure you have done many of these things already. Some of these things are really silly but they helped me!

 

1. Put all the stuff he gave you away.

2. Go shopping!!!! Buy yourself some new clothes, jewelry, anything that will make you feel good about yourself.

3. Get a hair cut. I just got mine a few days ago and I love it!

4. Do something that you would have never done with your ex. My ex and I shared a lot of our music tastes, I went out and bought some stuff he would have never listened to, but I like it so far

5. Pick up a new hobby, I've been reading like a maniac, it really helps me escape.

6. Go out and Party!!! Well I mean, go out and have fun with friends. If you can, drop off the kids with family for a while and go out and have fun. I've been out and about every weekend, it's a wonderful distraction.

7. Always remember, this is what he wanted and you can't do anything about it. You can't make anyone want to be with you. You are a great person and if this is what he chooses, it is his loss!!!!! I'm sure he will wake up one day and realize what he has lost by that time you will have found yourself a guy will love you always.

 

I don't know if any of that will help. Cry when you need to but try REALLY HARD to put him out of your head. Try and get yourself absorbed into other things. I know it's difficult. I get to doing something and then all of a sudden I burst into tears, it happens. Also as far as people at work are concerned, I always get asked about my ex. My response is the same always broke up a few weeks ago, things didn't work out". If they keep pushing the subject and you don't want to talk about it, just say it: "I'm over it, I don't really want to talk about it" Works for me every time.

 

Lastly, you will be OK, trust me. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a loving, compassionate, intelligent woman and you will get through this!!!!! YOU WILL!

[bambina maxima]

^^

I have to second Amystar, especially on the following:

-Put everything that reminds you of him away

-Indulge in a little (frugal) retail therapy

-and get a new haircut!!!

 

I just (finally) got my "break-up" cut, and I LOVE IT. It's amazing how something so small can make you feel so good about yourself.

 

Those are just quick fixes though. They'll help, but there's some bigger stuff you should try to tackle.

 

First, every morning, tell yourself that all you have to do is make it through the day. If you can do that, you can do anything. This is ALL you have to do for the first month or two, if that's how long it takes. Make it through the day, and give yourself credit for doing just that, every day.

 

One thing I have found that helps out more for the long run is setting one bigger goal per month. Last month I focused on physical fitness and getting back into shape. This month I'm focusing on "financial fitness." It's seems silly...but having one thing to work on to the exclusion of everything else has made me feel like at least I'm making progress in some areas of my life, even if I'm woefully backtracking in others.

 

Some other ideas - work out your anxiety/hurt/emotion by doing an extremely thorough cleaning of all your stuff. You might find that clearing out all that extra crap metaphorically helps to clear out all the emotional baggage rumbling aorund in your heart and your brain.

 

I'm a big fan of writing down goals. I think it helps you keep track of what you want to accomplish, or help you form some ideas of what you might want to accomplish. in other words, it helps you look forward to the future and build towards something positive. So maybe you can put down some attainable goals to work towards? Try to make a list of 100? They can be anything - "take advantage of every social opportunity," "rearrange my closet by July 15th," "check out some community ed courses to see if anything interests me," "post on ena whenever I am feeling lonely"...anything.

 

It's okay to feel like utter rubbish. You're human. I think this is a catalyst to a better, happier you. You'll get there. Keep posting!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry you are feeling so down, and a vacation will be good for you! You need to break out of your routine and relax a little.

 

If you find yourself crying and depressed and hopeless all the time, please consider going to the doctor. Sometimes the stress of a breakup can bring on clinical depression or anxiety attacks that make it much worse. The doctor can help you with medication, or referring you to a counselor. There is no shame in going for help if you feel so overwhelmed you think you will have a breakdown.

 

You might very well just need a vacation, but if that doesn't help you, consider going to the doctor when you get back.

[msfoolish]

Thank you all so much for your last few posts, they were really helpful!!! And do you know what? I havent cried once today!!!!! I feel a little better now i have kind of given up on him.

 

I am already going to counselling, went today for my second session and maybe it will help me in my future relationships. I will go to the doctors if i feel really depressed, but i dont feel i need to just yet, i just feel things really deeply and to have someone you love messing with your emotions over six weeks can make you feel desperate. But i tried, and got rejected again, so nows time to give up and give myself some peace knowing i did all i could do to make things right.

 

Even work was bearable today for a change!! But like you said, i'll be taking it one day at a time.

 

Thanks again

XXX