How to use no contact rule when we've agreed to be friends?

[rach99]

I really like the idea of the no contact article. However could someone please help me out and tell me how i should handle my situation. I would really like to try the no contact thing but my ex and i broke up nearly 3 months ago- it just kinda happened. we fought all the time and it was just horrible for both of us by the end. The first week we had broken up he didnt want anything to do with me, then it gradually changed. He went to melbourne for 2 weeks and he was sending me all these sweet messages and everything and then he came back. When he came back i went around to visit him and he asked me to come back to him. i said no- im stupid dont worry i know it. i said no because i didnt want to jump back into the way things were- i told him we couldnt get back together straight away but we could date. When we were together he never took me out on a date. So anyway- he apparently didnt quite understand what i meant, cause the next night i went around to visit after having drinks with his sister, and i walked into his bedroom- my ex best friend was in there- so i punched him- dont worry i didnt hurt him cause ive never punched nyone in my life. He wasnt very happy about that- but nothing happened between them. Anyway that got resolved and a week or so later he said to me that he didnt want to see me or talk to me anymore and not to sms him or call him or anything- he said it in a really rude way, and i sent a few sms saying u've got to b kidding, give this another chance, and then i redeemed my pride a little by sending one saying- u are right, i shouldnt have to try this hard, especially when u arent trying at all. it never would have worked. So we had no contact for about a week and then i sent an sms saying that i was putting his belongings in the post, he called right back and said not to, and that he would pick them up because he wanted to talk - cause he had said some things that shouldnt have been said. So anyway, he picked his stuff up on christmas eve- he apologised, but he keeps telling me that he doesnt think things would change if we got back together- i keep saying well i think they would because we have both learnt a lot about the situation (we had actually sat down a few times throughout the last 3 months and discussed wat the problems were with each other). He also said to me the other night that he just wants to be on his own at the moment and he's not looking for a serious relationship because he has jumped from one serious relationship to another his whole life. He said that he would like to be friends- before we got together we were the very best of friends-i agreed to that, but that was before i read this articles and found this website. First of all how do i get him to change his mind about us? and second of all how do i now try the no contact thing?? what do i say?? and is it too late? I dont understand what is going on in his head at the moment, but i am really happy that he is trying to change his lifestyle and grow up cause he really did need it, regardless of that though- i still want him back

[The Morrigan]

rach99 - if you want him to know you still have feelings beyond friendship - tell him honestly you can't maintain friendly contact without thinking of him as more than a friend, that it's hurting you to try. And tell him since he's not sure what he wants, you'll give him some space, if he changes his mind, he can contact you - but in the meantime, you have to try to get over him, and you can't do that by keeping in touch as if you're in a relationship and yet not in one. If he's going to rethink things - he'll rethink them a lot faster if he's not having to feel like he's proving he's right by you giving him something to argue against (that's a pride thing to an extent), not to mention, if he feels he's in absolutely no danger of losing you - where's the incentive for him to really think about what he wants? So just be plain about it - if he honestly thinks things won't work out, you'll respect that and give him his space, and try to move on yourself, and maybe you can be friends later, after you don't think of him in a "relationship" way.

 

Think of it this way - moving IMMEDIATELY into a friendship with an ex, unless it's truly a mutual decision where neither want more, is much like an unbalanced "friends with benefits" situation - it's just the benefit is emotional support instead of physical intimacy. You're still providing something they need without strings when it's not what you're feeling YOU want, and isn't completely filling your needs. And you're also providing a lot of the support they need to heal from the breakup and move on from you, getting accustomed to having that support outside a relationship.

 

Let them turn to their other friends to help them get over you - you've got enough to deal with trying to get over them without draining yourself further on their account. They're certainly looking after #1 when they decided to break things off because they weren't sure, they're putting themselves first - and you need to draw the line and do the same thing, put your needs first.

[rach99]

i understand that i need to break the contact off, but thats very difficult because after 3 months it has finally gotten to the stage where we can both just call if we want. I know that i can talk to him if i want to, and i dont need to worry that hes not gonna be there. This guy knows i still love him, and i guess i know he still loves me. We had so many problems though. I sent him an e-mail a few days ago that gave me a lot of closure, and i think the same day i found this website. I have made more progress in the last 3 days, than in the last 3 months. It was only 3 days ago that i stopped crying and decided that yes i could live my life without him, id prefer he was in it, but i will survive. I read through so many of the posts, and everyone was hurting so much, that really helped- cause i wasnt the only one going through it. This breakup has been the most painful thing i have ever been through- in the space of 2 weeks i lost my very best friend(my boyfriend), plus 2 of my other closest friends. Even though i am still moving forward through this, i find that i am still not attracted to anyone and the mere idea of another male, aside from my ex, ever touching me again absolutely revolts me. I have also resigned myself to the fact that i will never love someone like that again-he was my whole world. How long does it take for this to change?? while we were together i never even looked at anyone else. I really shouldnt want to get back together with this guy after everything ive been through- my friends like to tell me this quite regularly so ive just told them that i cant deal with the negativity at the moment so if they are going to say something bad about it, then not to say anything at all. When this guy and i were friends, i just knew that we would get together one day- and i wonder whether it happened too soon. He is 2 years younger than me- im only 20, and i am someone who considered myself too young to even think about spending the rest of my life with someone. He really changed that, and i did want to spend the rest of my life with him- but he needed to grow up a bit, and i can actually see him doing that now. Anyway this has really dragged on, but its very scary to think of letting him go and having no contact, although it is easier in the sense that it will be my choice to do this. I think i will write an e-mail today, i dont know that i can send it today, but i will definitely write it. I guess i do look at it as- if im hanging around then he cant move on either- and i guess that is wrong. I know he loves me, but he got scared, and for him it is easier to run away from all the problems rather than trying to fix them. Thank you for the advice The Morrigan, but one question, isnt telling him to contact me if he changes his mind basically saying that i will still be ready and waiting and that he still isnt going to lose me?? I think your advice is great though. Thank you

[latinstyle]

Same thing has happened to me. She broke it off about 2 months ago after 6 years together and we were and are best friends. Of course I can't just be her friend but she told me that she doesn't want me as a boyfriend right now.

 

We had this thing to where we call eachother a few times a day and if I called her and she didn't answer, she would call me as soon as she saw I called and vice versa.

 

2 months later after doing the no contact thing, we've gotten to where we can call eachother anytime also and that is somthing that is very hard to give up. I also don't want her out of my life as she doesn't want me out of hers either.

 

What do I do?

[rach99]

You are back to talking even after the no contact thing?? Are you over her?? I sent a very polite and friendly e-mail to my ex last night saying that i didnt think we should have contact anymore. I said i was doing really good and i have made more progress since christmas than in the last 3 months, that even though we had agreed to be friends i didnt think that we could have a completely honest friendship, and one or both of us would be left not being able to completely get over the other. I said that i would love to have our friendship back one day, but until i could only see a friendship with him that wouldnt be possible. I also mentioned that if he was worried that i would be hanging around waiting for him to come back to me, then he neednt because i wouldnt be. The thing is eibarra, i dont think you can truly get over a relationship if u maintain the friendship. It was really hard for me to send that e-mail because i was comfortable with being able to talk to him etc, but in the end the fact is that i still love him and will just continue to hurt myself if i keep talking to him. He is going out there and living his life, and when he tells me hes going to a party or whatever, my gut just drops- i dont think its fair to do that to myself. Until i get to the stage where i will just be happy for him to go out somewhere and be happy (which i really do want for him) i think i need to keep my distance. She may be your friend, but if u look at wat the morrigan said about giving them the emotional support they should be getting from someone else- its so true. they need to find it elsewhere. As hard as it may be (and dont think about what she wants here- think about whats best for you), dont you think that u would be better able to move on if u werent in contact regularly?? U can always initiate contact once u are over her, i plan to do that one day. But dont get me wrong- he still comes back to me in my dreams, but its not so important to me anymore. There was a time i would have moved heaven and earth, but i think ive already had my chance and i blew it. As the morrigan said- u are having a relationship thats not really a relationship. how are u supposed to give yourself the time to recover when u are both still holding on so tight. We all have to face the reality one day that maybe they are not going to come back to us, as hard as that is, do u want to waste the next year of your life waiting for this person to come back to you when in the end she may not. Make it your decision to choose what is going to happen. For some reason if u are the one to cut the contact, it does actually make it that little bit easier because it isnt you that is being rejected anymore. I'm not great at giving advice, but just from wat i have been through (which was pure hell i cant even begin to describe), the no contact thing is best. Not only that but have u read the do's and don'ts of getting them back?? that article also suggests that the no contact rule gives u more of an opportunity of getting them back. Anyways, good luck with it. i know how hard it is- but it really does come down to what is better for you, however that also depends on what stage of grieving u are in. Letting go of them at the moment does not mean letting go forever. Are you happy with the situation now?? can u live with the way things are??

[Langeveldt]

Im in a similar situation.. My gf and I split up 3 months ago as well.. We are best friends and do everything together. However it still hurts because i want more than a "friendship", and she knows that.. However it hurts even more when I am not seeing her. I can't bare to be away from her for even a week. My mood is completely orientated around her, yet i am not getting what I want from the relationship. So im trying to work out the lesser of two evils at the moment.