No choice but to break up

[wind_dancer]

Hello all,

I am needing some advice/point of view from both Americans and Europeans if in here.

I am a 23 yo female that has been engaged for the past 2 years to an awesome guy that is 43.

Yes, almost to the day he is twice my age.

I am from Europe and my fiancee' is from the states. I have recently graduated college and am fixing to go to grad school. All in the states.

Here is my story.

We met online almost 3 years ago.

Over the course of 8 months, I talked him into moving accross the U.S. Over 4000 kilometers to be with me and further our relationship.

We had met and spent a lot of time together over the initial 8 months.

Falling in love was so easy for both of us.

He was the perfect man that I was looking for.

So sick of guys my own age and their sh^t.

I moved in with him immediately and it has been bliss !

I basically asked him to give up his house, friends and job.

We were so much in love he did all these things for me.

At the time it seemed so right and so important.

 

I was in the situation where I could not introduce him to my friends and he said that was cool.

It was us against the world and he seemed to have no problems with the arrangement.

I wanted so much to show him off but the fear of my father finding out was too great. (he was paying for college more or less.)

The age difference was nothing to me personally, but culturally, a big no-no where I am from.

A 5 yr age difference is not accepted.

I lied to everyone about everything. Kept everything private.

He was 'my age' as far as anyone in my family or my circle knew.

Now, after the best relationship of my life, the realization has set in....

How would I ever introduce him to my family?

How would I have my perfect wedding?

All the lies and sneaking around my family and friends has finally gotten to me.

I cannot go on doing it.

 

I know I have not enlisted ANY respect or empathy from anyone here.

I know how all this looks and how pissed of a lot of you probably are.

 

In retrospect what I did was to temporarily make my world complete.

We are extremely happy together and the worst part is that he has no idea what I am fixing to do.

I have no choice but to end this relationship....and it is the last thing I want to do. I love him with all my heart.....but....

If there were no family involved and we could fly off to a hidden island, all would be great.

Life is not so fair though.

I know we could be happy forever and love each other eternally.

...but I cannot lose my family.

In the states, this doesn't seem to be a deal breaker, but it is where I am from. Major culture clash I ignored in the past.

If logical, I would have seen this day and would have never entertained this relationship from the start.

How do you break up with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

How do you explain...thanks for uprooting your life for me, but I can't do it anymore.

There will be no getting back together.

I should have never accepted the engagement.

Two years ago I was a different person.

Three years in the future back then, seemed like a lifetime.

At my age it is.

At his age it is not.

So, with all this said, I don't want to hurt my guy, but I know I will.

Badly. He will not accept my reasons. He will be heart broken. I already am.

This is going to be an out of the blue thing.

I am a complete ass in all of this but circumstances are now out of my control. I guess they always were and I was not thinking clearly.

Love blinds all of us. Good or bad.

It will be at least 4 yrs before I can live my own life.

Like it or not, parents are in control here.

 

I think that explains my problem fairly well.

I am looking for the best way to do what I have to do.

I know in time that we will both get over each other, but that does not help at this time.

 

I am putting myself out here probably to be flamed and yelled at.

 

It all seemed so perfect.

Now I am dying inside and so will he.

We had so many plans.

 

I've already been called every name out there by the one person that knows about this deal and am losing that friendship as well.

 

Honestly, I need input on how to handle this upcoming break up.

Bottom line........I have to do what I have to do.

No choice but to break up..

Thoughts?

No need to be kind. Just honest opinions.

 

Thanks for reading.

[greywolf]

I don't know what to tell you except to tell him the truth. I think he deserves that much. Are you sure that this is what you want though? It's your life. You should live it how you want to live it. Not by everyone else.

He moved just to be with you. That's a keeper to me.

[bramage]

1. Family is more forgiving than you might think

2. Your life is yours, and so is your happiness

 

 

If you have to do it, then you have to do it. He may understand that with age comes maturity, and he should be prepared at some level for some crazy things..

 

I feel sorry for both of you, but more for him, due to the sacrifices he has made.

[Aviatormy]

WOW,

 

I do not know how else to respond other than "are you joking?!?!?"

 

Please do yourself a favor and think about it.....

 

1) He will most likely be there for the rest of your life

 

2) you might spend the rest of your life looking for someone to live up to the wonderful man that you have in front of you

 

3) If you do break it off with him and in 4 years you want him back, most likely he will remain a figment of your imagination.

 

4) He was willing to totally change his life, location and job for you and you can not do the same for him? Aparently the feelings that he has for you are not mutual.

 

5) The only person whos opinion about his age that actually matters is YOURS

 

6) in all reality, you may lose your family for a couple months if you were to come clean, perhaps a couple years, but in the long run... your family will eventually support your decision.

 

7) If your family never supports your decision (worst case scenario) at least you will have this wonderful man beside you.

 

Please don't do this to him. If he is that great of a man and you see a long lasting life ahead of you with him... LIVE IT!

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Sorry I do not have any advice for you as far as breaking up with him. You're right, there is no EASY way to do it.

 

 

 

[dreamwarrior]

I am going to sound hard on you, but girl you asked the guy to change his life for you and move away from his own world to be near you and now you want to breakup with him??? That is pretty rotten. Your lucky to have a man do this for you, when most men can't even pick up the phone. Unless he did something to give you reason then I say stay with him. Older men are more mature, dependable, will make a better father, better income...etc....perhaps more loyal too....so you had better think about this before you make your decision.

 

Good luck

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Wow... isn't the point of becoming an adult making your own choices?

 

Most parents will pitch a fit at first if they don't like their children's choices of spouses, but soften up in time, especially when grandchildren are born. So if you're willing to throw over someone who you think is the love of your life because of your parent's narrowmindedness, that is your choice, but you may really regret it.

 

I think you'll find as time goes on that your own opinions matter more than your parents, but if you want to cave to their will of course you will. But good luck finding another great guy that you love as much. Its not your parents who will be living with your spouse, it is you, and if you let them totally determine that, you might be very very unhappy, especially after already living on your own and with someone you loved and only gave up to please them.

[poloplayer]

I...did something similar, albeit we did not have an age gap like you do here (ours was a few years). I had a woman give up so much of her life for me, and change aspects of her life that would impact her future for me, but I was a stupid boy back then. I wasn't ready for what she wanted, and I wanted to explore my newfound life at the time and other avenues. We also had family issues being from different cultures and had to play some hiding like you did.

 

She never looked back, but in time, I finished exploring and wanted her to call, thinking that she would. She never did. Pride held me back at first, then fear - I never called her.

 

She's now a memory, but to this day I still think about her as I have never met anyone like her. I have yet to meet a woman that comes close to her. I don't talk about her to anyone, but she comes to mind every now and then.

 

I don't regret it, as I choose not to live my life that way. It was a learning experience for me, and now I know that when I find something good, then you cherish it, and other things which seem important (family issues, etc.), aren't as bad as they seem - they can be worked out with time. I had to learn this way as I didn't know better then. You have to do what you have to do, but please give this some good thought (which it seems like you are).

 

Best of luck in whatever decision that you make.

[greywolf]

Wow... isn't the point of becoming an adult making your own choices?

 

 

The problem with this is that she isn't an adult. She's still a kid.

[bacci]

hello wind dancer,

I think i'll go against the majority here and support your decision. you sound pretty sure and at some level this relaionship is not fulfilling anymore.

There is a huge age gap and probably other cultural differences that might seem more salient to you at this point thn three years ago.

He should have known he was getting into a relationship with a very young woman, one who probably would change a lot in the next few years. Its not the age gap per se, but the time in your life, a think a person changes a lot in her early twenties.

He should have considered that you were at a time in your young life where you'd go through major changes, he decided to risk this, and I think he might not be as surprised as you think, albeit he'll be hurt. That is unavoidable.

He will be hurt but he was a man who made his own decisions, you really don't owe him to stay with him because of what he gave up. Life doesn't work that way.

Now, if I am wrong and the main reason you want to break up is your parents and the extra complication plus embarrasment of coming clean with them about this big secret then I would advse you to give your family some credit, they are likely to eventually accept your decision.

Something tells me though that this is not the only reason, you are young, excited about going on to graduate school, wanting to explore other options. I don't blame you. Like others say you might never find someone so devoted but I bet you will find love again, and so will he if you let him go now.

When you tell him the news be kind but firm, do not give false hope. Good luck, its never easy to break up with someone, it will be OK you'll both heal.

[dreamwarrior]

Where does it say she is not fullfilled being with him anymore? I read this post very well and all she talks about is how much she loves him, but it's because of how her family is going to react.

 

I am very sure without a doubt they will both find someone else...nobody is disputing that.

 

Perhaps just be honest would be a good start...cannot build a good relationship on lies... come clean with your parents and see what happens.

 

Don't make the man look like the bad guy...he was only following his heart...both parties are responsible...once you are 21 in the states you are an adult and if you are not from the states and know your customs and rules why do something that you know will only give you unnecessary heartache in the end?

 

I don't want to seem harsh, but I hate to see people in who love each other in pain...there is not alot of love in this world and if you have it I wouldn't want to give up...your very lucky.

 

Best of wishes to you.

[Bob3000]

Wind Dancer,

 

Do what is right for you. Not what is right for him. Not what is right for your family.

 

You DO have a choice. It is yours and yours alone to make. Don't throw it away. Don't abdicate responsibility for it. And don't be emotionally blackmailed into making the wrong one.