How to regain Self-esteem and confidence if you have not dated in awhile

[crosstownTraffic]

I have not dated anyone in a while.. and I'm just wondering.. I try to get dressed up and such whenever I go out.. but after not having a date for months.. i just don't feel like I'm "date" material anymore.

 

Plus too, like one of the other posters states, my city is hopeless for dating.. For one, we got a really high percentage of gay people here, which would be fine if I was gay but I'm not, I'm str8, so there's even less str8 guys to choose from.

 

In short, I don't know what to do, but I'm tired of being alone all the time...

I think I'm cute, I have dated really attractive guys in the past, so it's not like i'm chopped dog liver, I just don't know how to project an positive image anymore after being alone for so long.

 

I do try to go out and speak to people, but maybe it's where i go...all the clubs it's either people are hanging out with their friends and don't want to include you in their little clique or the cute guys have already have a gf.

 

Where does one go to meet a single guy nowadays? I like to be outdoors... but it seems everyone I go.. the guys already have someone already!

So.. guys.. any clues.. should i just go as myself and be casual or do I need to get all dolled up?

It just seems that people look down their nose at women who go out by themselves....

Once, a long time ago, I was in this club, where I liked to go to, and the bouncer at the door said to me, Why are you always by yourself?"

That just seems a little odd to me.. cuz that club had alot of friendly people in it, and it didn't bother me to go there alone. Of course, they closed that club.. lol....but you know what i mean...

[melrich]

First I would say work on not aligning your self esteem or evaluating your 'worth" against whether you have an SO or not. Second, it always seems to me that those that are looking hardest have the hardest time finding someone. Maybe take the focus off finding a date and put it more into feeling good about yourself.

 

People who feel comfortable and happy with who they are tend to naturally attract others.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

melrich is so right!!

before i met my ex i used to think i was hideous and nobody would want me because i hadn't had a boyfriend at 18, it really took a toll on my self-esteem

then when i just gave up on looking for anyone and settled for being single forever ( i was young.. and really dramatic) thats when i met him.

 

now that we broke up, i understand that even though guys might not be all over me, or try to 'talk me up' it doesn't mean that I am ugly or anything, and that i should just try to live my life, enjoy myself and then some day some guy might come, but i wont focus my whole life and the way i look at myself on whether I have a boyfriend or not.

 

Also, if your self-esteem goes down, when that person finally comes, you might become really needy and clingy towards them, being afraid that no other guy after them might want you, which in the end might just push them away.

 

I think you should focus on enjoying your life, doing things that you like and try to be happy and just forget about having a boyfriend..

[Portage]

First I would say work on not aligning your self esteem or evaluating your 'worth" against whether you have an SO or not. Second, it always seems to me that those that are looking hardest have the hardest time finding someone. Maybe take the focus off finding a date and put it more into feeling good about yourself.

 

People who feel comfortable and happy with who they are tend to naturally attract others.

 

Melrich, off topic, but if that is your wife she is really attractive. You did well.

[melrich]

but if that is your wife she is really attractive.

 

It is and thank you Portage, she would be very flattered.

[crosstownTraffic]

I don't think I'm hideous, and I'm happy with whom I am, but I am very very lonely and would like someone in my life.

 

How does one do that, in a city where everyone seems to have someone already??

 

Or maybe I should go online to try find someone, going out never seems to accomplish anything, unless I go out of town.

[imakepeace]

Sounds to me like you are a very confident woman and have alot to offer. I had the same problem most of my life (single of course). ven in high school guys were afraid to ask me out or just assumed a beutiful girl had a boyfriend. I learned throughth eyears to cater to my own interests and enjoy life. I ended up making alot of friends all over the world and soon would be flying to other countries for dinner. (All expense paid) never did I ever let my anyone or solitude take over. Being single is an opportunity to become aquainted with yourself. I guarantee that one your having a great time with life someone with similar interest will come along. By the way when I would hear my single friends say, I feel so lonlely, I would tell them how can you feel lonely when your surrounded by millions of people? I will assure you that if you change your outlook even couples will be quick to invite you over and have you meet some single friends and/or relatives. Remember the world is your oyster...

[annie24]

i think that you have to recognize that you are a loveable person, worthy of love. i am sure that you have a ton of good qualities. are you friendly, nice? can you paint a nice picture, are you a great photographer, can you make the best pancakes ever? there's something about everyone that sets them apart. like grandma says - there's a lid for every pot. i'm sure that there's a guy out there who is looking for a woman like you.

 

next, don't get down. you're not looking for 10000 guys, just 1. so what if your city has a high gay population or whatever? you're just looking for one boyfriend, not 50. never lose sight of this.

 

i agree with melrich - focus on getting out there, making friends, having fun, trying new things.

 

i always get blasted when i say this too, but i'll say it again. if your looks can use some improving, do it! get to the gym, get a makeover, color your hair if you have grey, get a new updated waredrobe that flatters your body and is eye catching, like cute jeans and tops, heels. people like to say 'it's on the inside that counts', and that's true - but i think putting together a nice 'package' might invite people to come closer and get to know you.

[crosstownTraffic]

Well, thanks for the positive comments annie and imakepeace..

I did go out last week and get a pedicure and got my hair trimmed, so I'm trying.

I'm also trying to lose weight. I was in good shape last year, but I lost my dog to some weird illness (possible due the dog food scare) and since I don't walk twice a day anymore, I found myself gaining some weight.

I think I do need to pay more attention to my wadrobe. I love different clothes, but I tend to be on the casual side...

But you know what.. when you go out wearing something cute, you just automatically feel better, dont' you?

I guess everyone has some figure flaws... don't they, but if you wear the right clothes, who notices? I need to keep drinking more water and lay off the carbs so much.

I am finding that if I walk twice a day and drink lots of water, I'm losing more weight....

If I had the money I'd join a gym.. but right now money is tight....

well, I appreciate the positive remarks, really I do....

Maybe I should go back to being on the bike club or someting. I used to ride like 18 miles in a day! Boy, my legs looked good then.. we do have a bike lap in town though, I could always go up there and practice.. It would be free.. who knows, maybe a cute guy on a 10 speed might come by one day?

It always helps to have someone in your corner. thanks gals,

[bicksford]

I don't think I'm hideous, and I'm happy with whom I am, but I am very very lonely and would like someone in my life.

 

How does one do that, in a city where everyone seems to have someone already??

 

Or maybe I should go online to try find someone, going out never seems to accomplish anything, unless I go out of town.

 

This may be just me, but I find it extremely hard unless I meet somebody through somebody else I know. Do you have many friends or no? Maybe you need to work on having friends because they are free practice for social interaction. Also take this "down time" to work on your appearance and boost your confidence. Surprisingly though I started working on my appearance more when I found out some people thought I wasn't bad looking. I guess just being given a little "worth" gave me the drive to do better. Also, a new job or activity can help you meet people. Good luck!

[crosstownTraffic]

Some good points to ponder, some of the posts. I think I need to stop going out to places where mostly couples congregate as that is a lonely evening anyway! lol

No.. i really have alot of things I need to concentrate on, in my life. I'm happy with myself, I'm just real lonely.

I do have friends but they never introduce me to anyone. Besides their friends are rather weird anyway... I'd probably not get along well with them.

 

I do need to concentrate on learning some computer programs I have bought and yet to install on my computer, Maybe get back into my biking again (I miss that.. i got into a car crash last year and my legs were hurting too much to bike, but now they are getting much better), and I really need to focus on my music.

And getting our place cleaned up.. I cannot imagine what impression it would make to bring someone into our place.. I am a bit of a clutter bug... It's tough as our place is quite small and there's hardly any closet space, but I did get a paypal account now and I was thinking of selling some stuff anyway.

 

Well, it's probably true, the more harder you look, the more you are not going to find anyway.. The watched pot syndrome.

Well, I will try to keep these points in mind.

I did get a good walk in this afternoon walked almost 2 miles.. so if I could just do that twice a day.. I think i'd start getting back into shape, hopefully.

I do think i need to get out more, even if it's just to fart around with friends. You are right, friends are good to practice on.. the more you stay to yourself, the more you lose your social skills.

well, off to get a new vacuum... and try get this place in shape..wish me luck!

[bicksford]

Hey, well done! Good luck to you and remember, it's much easier to be confident if you are being honest with yourself and not lying. For instance, am I really interesting or am I just a boring person trying to sound interesting? That's why I'll try to do things I enjoy and I think other people would appreciate so that when I get into a situation I'm being honest. For example, surfing and running and even keeping things clean. Keep it up! GL