Captain When Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 A short prose about my experience: "I'm not sure when I got pregnant. Sometime in early January, I think. The reason I don't know is because generally, I'm very careful about these things. This was the third time I'd been pregnant. It blows my mind; there are women try their whole lives to become pregnant. I think I must be particularly fertile, or something. The first one ended in an abortion, (I was 14, and ten kinds of up from a life of mild tragedy, absurdity, and an abundance of sexual abuse). My first year at college I had a miscarriage that I might have had mistaken for just regular menstruation, if not for the pain and other disgusting details of the ordeal. I didn't think much of it. I got back on birth control. I stopped taking birth control again for a combination of reasons. First of all, at the clinic near my new home, it's twice as expensive as it was when I lived further upstate. Additionally, my strong fear of doctors has prevented me from renewing my perscription. I know it's unhealthy - I'm working on it. Anyway, sometime around this past January I missed a period. I didn't think much of it. My weight fluctuates (a lot!) that sometimes seems to make my period irregular. I took a pregnancy test, and it came up negative. Looking back on photos from that time, I notice that I appear fat but confident. I do not know why I didn't realize how chubby I was looking. I think, perhaps, it's just that I am more fixated on my weight these days than I was during the winter. I didn't get my period for February either. In March, I experienced some light spotting, which in my increasingly worried mind, qualified as a period, and thusly proved that I wasn't pregnant. It was late March when I took the pregnancy test. I was experiencing incredible abdominal pain since the night before. It started while I was driving home from class around 9 pm. It was so intense that I felt dizzy, which was terrifying, because I was driving. I got home and ached all night, as I tried to study for a final. I slept in my own room, which is something I very seldomly do. I usually sleep here at my boyfriend's house. I took another pregnancy test, which came up positive. And then another, which came up negative. I started bleeding the following morning, and slowly caught on to what was happening. The experience was significantly more painful than the very painful first miscarriage. I read on the internet that some people save the baby in the freezer, to bury, or bring to the doctor. I can not image how anyone could possibly keep the remains of a preformed human casually sitting in the freezer, in a bag, next to the chicken nuggets and frozen veggies. Christ. Needless to say, I missed the midterm exam. In the afternoon, I called my boyfriend and explained the embarrassing situation. He left work to come hang out with me. I still felt ill, and tired. The gross, painful, mind of an experience had left me winded. "You poor girl." he said. We watched TV. And forgot about it entirely. Or at least, we didn't speak about it. Let me rephrase that: we don't speak about it. This was only a few months ago. Are we supposed to talk about it? I guess there's nothing to talk about. It happened, it's over. Oops, we'll be more careful next time. Nothing to worry about, no baby to stress about. A blessing in disguise. Just forget about it. In May, while driving home one day, the image of the unborn tissue that I'd briefly encountered flashed through my mind, unprovoked. Ahh, eww, ohh, no! The thought came uninvited and lurked around my thoughts for the rest of the night. I was having trouble shaking it away. I mentioned it to my boyfriend that night. He asked why it bothered me, and I told him that it was the idea of it having been a dead human body. He corrected me, reminding me, (for the third time since the incident), that it wasn't a "dead-human", because to be that, it would have had to have spent some time as a "live human", which it never had gotten the opportunity to do." I think of it often, but my thoughts are devoid of emotion. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it normal to feel this neutral? Link to comment
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