My Stupid Miscarriage

[Captain When]

A short prose about my experience:

 

 

 

"I'm not sure when I got pregnant. Sometime in early January, I think. The reason I don't know is because generally, I'm very careful about these things. This was the third time I'd been pregnant. It blows my mind; there are women try their whole lives to become pregnant. I think I must be particularly fertile, or something.

 

The first one ended in an abortion, (I was 14, and ten kinds of up from a life of mild tragedy, absurdity, and an abundance of sexual abuse).

 

My first year at college I had a miscarriage that I might have had mistaken for just regular menstruation, if not for the pain and other disgusting details of the ordeal. I didn't think much of it. I got back on birth control.

 

I stopped taking birth control again for a combination of reasons. First of all, at the clinic near my new home, it's twice as expensive as it was when I lived further upstate. Additionally, my strong fear of doctors has prevented me from renewing my perscription. I know it's unhealthy - I'm working on it.

 

 

Anyway, sometime around this past January I missed a period. I didn't think much of it. My weight fluctuates (a lot!) that sometimes seems to make my period irregular. I took a pregnancy test, and it came up negative.

 

Looking back on photos from that time, I notice that I appear fat but confident. I do not know why I didn't realize how chubby I was looking. I think, perhaps, it's just that I am more fixated on my weight these days than I was during the winter.

 

I didn't get my period for February either. In March, I experienced some light spotting, which in my increasingly worried mind, qualified as a period, and thusly proved that I wasn't pregnant.

 

It was late March when I took the pregnancy test. I was experiencing incredible abdominal pain since the night before. It started while I was driving home from class around 9 pm. It was so intense that I felt dizzy, which was terrifying, because I was driving. I got home and ached all night, as I tried to study for a final. I slept in my own room, which is something I very seldomly do. I usually sleep here at my boyfriend's house.

 

I took another pregnancy test, which came up positive. And then another, which came up negative. I started bleeding the following morning, and slowly caught on to what was happening.

 

The experience was significantly more painful than the very painful first miscarriage. I read on the internet that some people save the baby in the freezer, to bury, or bring to the doctor. I can not image how anyone could possibly keep the remains of a preformed human casually sitting in the freezer, in a bag, next to the chicken nuggets and frozen veggies. Christ.

 

Needless to say, I missed the midterm exam. In the afternoon, I called my boyfriend and explained the embarrassing situation. He left work to come hang out with me. I still felt ill, and tired. The gross, painful, mind of an experience had left me winded.

 

"You poor girl."

 

he said.

 

We watched TV. And forgot about it entirely. Or at least, we didn't speak about it. Let me rephrase that: we don't speak about it. This was only a few months ago. Are we supposed to talk about it?

 

I guess there's nothing to talk about. It happened, it's over. Oops, we'll be more careful next time. Nothing to worry about, no baby to stress about. A blessing in disguise. Just forget about it.

 

In May, while driving home one day, the image of the unborn tissue that I'd briefly encountered flashed through my mind, unprovoked. Ahh, eww, ohh, no! The thought came uninvited and lurked around my thoughts for the rest of the night. I was having trouble shaking it away.

 

I mentioned it to my boyfriend that night. He asked why it bothered me, and I told him that it was the idea of it having been a dead human body.

 

He corrected me, reminding me, (for the third time since the incident), that it wasn't a "dead-human", because to be that, it would have had to have spent some time as a "live human", which it never had gotten the opportunity to do."

 

 

 

I think of it often, but my thoughts are devoid of emotion. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it normal to feel this neutral?

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I am sorry this happened to you. I have not had a miscarriage, but I have experienced loss in my life and I don't think there is a 'textbook' way you are supposed to respond.

 

What you are feeling sounds normal.

 

Do you want to talk about it with your boyfriend, or are you happier leaving it behind?

[Captain When]

I feel like I should talk about it, but there's not really too much to talk about. He's a very logical sort of person.

 

ETA: I'm a fan of your avatar

[Hope75]

I feel like I should talk about it, but there's not really too much to talk about. He's a very logical sort of person.

 

ETA: I'm a fan of your avatar

 

But he is human, and on some level I would bet he feels the loss too. Men more than women seem to be taught that it's 'masculine' to bottle feelings and not to talk about them wheras women tend to be pegged as those who 'overexpress'.

 

If you want to talk about it with him, maybe you just need to approach him and say, "You know, X, losing the baby a few months ago has been on my mind lately and I'd like to talk about it with you. Can we do do that?"

 

I think he'd at least be open to listening to you, even if he isn't ready to talk about it himself.

 

What do you think?

[Hope75]

Oh I want to mention that your writing style is very good- easy to follow and great use of language and descriptive terms.

 

Have you written professionally, or thought about it?

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I know you are afraid of doctors ( I hate going to the ob-gyn too- most women do) but you should really get checked out- and back on birth control. Maybe you can be prescribed something to relax beforehand?

 

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had one least year with a planned pregnancy and it was a very difficult experience. If you are experiencing anxiety about the doctors and a lot of post-traumatic stress from the miscarriage, it would probably be a good idea to talk to a counselor about it.

 

I hope things get better for you soon,

 

BellaDonna

[Captain When]

If I were to approach him about it, I'd probably just get nervous and say never mind, and then he'd probably get discouraged and ignore me or something. We've been a bit on egg shells lately, communication wise. Perhaps I should wait for the waters to settle before I go digging up what he certainly perceives of as imaginary problems.

 

Thanks about the writing comment Hope, I love writing. I don't do it much these days though.

 

Thank you for your kind words too, BellaDonna. It is not just the ob/gyn folks I'm afraid of - it's all doctors. : ( I could talk to my shrink about it, (I've mentioned it a few times), but I don't tell him much, and he's really only there to give me pills.