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Guest MaddyMadness

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Guest MaddyMadness


I am an avid NPR listener and heard the radio blog of a commentator who has been blogging about his cancer, which has made a turn for the very much worse. My life is so happy and simple right now. Knowing there are many struggling with aging parents, sick children or dealing with death looking directly into one's face.. makes me disgusted with myself for feeling sad or helpless when I have all I need.


Still, the desire to reach out and talk and vent without worrying that I'm not meeting the expectations of whomever I'm in relationship with.. whether it's work, or love or kids or a clerk on the phone or at the store, is strong. And so I'm trying this. I'm not sure if this journal forum is a place where people might respond. I guess I'll find out.


I've been on a carnival ride with love relationships these last 12 years. I've been married twice, with two girls from my first marriage. Now I'm 49, with only 4 months until I'm 50 and have had many tries at an intimate relationship. I guess that's been kind of fun, but after hoping and trying at love with so many different male body and souls, I'm wondering if my heart is a little calloused. I'm into the third month of dating a man who is actually almost 4 years younger. He's nice, he doesn't smoke or drink excessively. He has a great job he likes and is stable financially. I don't feel the usual compulsion to move too quickly with him and he's also stable enough that he actually wants to really and truly date. I wonder if I will finally settle down and stop with the men who have the addictive personalities (smoking, drinking, pot smoking, swearing). How I would attract these men who aren't necessarily bad boys. Sure, they drank or smoke cigs, or smoked cannabis and would cut loose with colorful language, but they also had advanced degrees or very well off financially.


But, beyond all this and that, the question and the challenge is to live happily with what I've got right now, at this moment. Especially since I'm not living on the street, I have a job (well a couple) and I'm healthy as far as I know! I'm not alone.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Kudos on the outlook. =]


It seems a bit like you're trying to compare

the new one with the old ones,

Aside from being of the same sex

it doesn't matter.. the patterns

Because if he's right for you

he's right for you without



Things worth while take

awhile to be worth.


You're right,

You are not alone.

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