ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I cannot explain what is going on inside my head. I was fine this morning. Then I got to work and looked over some old emails. I know it was a bad idea but I wanted to see a chronology of the past 6 months, to see why I initiated contact in the first place. Some of his emails made sense to me. Others completely contradicted what he had previously declared. It was all a huge mess and I am geting nostalgic and sad, even though rationally, I know that he was not the right guy for me. He lied, cheated, over and over again...and every time, blamed me for doing so. I actually tried to change, and did...and things did not get better. Now, I am alone. I have not had sex in months. I am afraid to meet new people because I can't trust anyone. I am afraid to go out because I might drink too much...I can't concentrate at work...I am a mess...and it's only been 3 weeks. This has to get better, right? I've been in many relationships before. It always gets better. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 This has to get better, right? I've been in many relationships before. It always gets better. You just answered your own question. It's only been 3 weeks, give yourself a break. Everything will get better and be better. You know you deserve more. ((((HUGS)))) Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 You just answered your own question. It's only been 3 weeks, give yourself a break. Everything will get better and be better. You know you deserve more. ((((HUGS)))) I hate not being able to talk to him and express how I am feeling. I hate the fact that he does not care about me after 4 years. I hate the fact that I have to sit here with my feelings, helpless, until they go away. I am not going to contact him, as much as I want to. The problem is that we left it all up in the air. Neither one of us said....please do not speak to me again. We just said that we were angry and that we might get together at a later date. This open-ended break-up is the worst kind because there is no closure and you have to force yourself to move on. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Have you thought of joining a support group of any type. I cannot go out with my friends as they drink WAY too much also and I will go right along with them. So that is a problem. I am joining AA as a network. I figure all the people there do not drink and by helping others with their problem I will help myself and feel good about me. Not saying this is the answer for you but there are tons of support groups even for couples. It is just good to get out without having to worry about the emotional baggage that we are carrying with us. And here I am 29, pretty, thin and a mess over a boy that is weak, depressed, and not as attractive as me (not to sound shallow). Someone once asked if he was dating up and I said oh no I do not have money and they said I meant looks LOL.... So it goes to show our emotions are stronger than reality and I am just as weak as the next. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Oh also have you been broken up 3 weeks or six months. I am going on 3 months. Not easy Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 There is closure only if you want closure. You will never get closure from the other person, it has to come within yourself to find it. I'm pretty sure he cares about you and i'm pretty sure he thinks about you but right now both of you know it's not healthy for either one of you to be together. It will get better, really it will. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Oh also have you been broken up 3 weeks or six months. I am going on 3 months. Not easy We broke up 6 months ago, but we stopped communicating 3 weeks ago. We tried a reconciliation but that went horribly wrong because I could not trust him, and he was seeing other people...so nothing had changed. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I am so sorry to hear that. Trust is a hard thing. I broke my ex's trust about small things (they were small to me big to him). So I know we are not together because of trust and it is a hard thing to build. I want to put the work in so I will. So if he ever wants to work things out it will be easy. Is he trying to rebuild the trust at all... I hope so from all your posts you seem like a fantastic person that anyone would be lucky to have in their lives. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 There is closure only if you want closure. You will never get closure from the other person, it has to come within yourself to find it. I'm pretty sure he cares about you and i'm pretty sure he thinks about you but right now both of you know it's not healthy for either one of you to be together. It will get better, really it will. I doubt that he is thinking about me because he is already dating someone else. When he thinks about me, he usually gets in touch with me. He is not a fan of No Contact. He is very much a narcissist, so if he wanted my attention, he would let me know. This is really over, this time...and it is hitting me pretty hard because I knew he was bad for me and I made a choice to stay with him for as long as I did...so I really only have myself to blame. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 I am so sorry to hear that. Trust is a hard thing. I broke my ex's trust about small things (they were small to me big to him). So I know we are not together because of trust and it is a hard thing to build. I want to put the work in so I will. So if he ever wants to work things out it will be easy. Is he trying to rebuild the trust at all... I hope so from all your posts you seem like a fantastic person that anyone would be lucky to have in their lives. No, he is trying nothing because it is completely over. He pretended to be faithful, but he wasn't. One of his exes was in town last month and he canceled plans with me, without giving me a reason, and spent the weekend with her. Even though he said that nothing happened, he chose her over me....the whole time telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me and only me. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions told a much different story, as did all the texts to other women that he continued to sleep with. He was a liar and a cheat and I allowed it. People like that only change if they hit rock bottom. For him, this will take many years. He is extremely attractive, charming, successful, etc...but he is a mess emotionally. Women do not find this out right away, so they fall for him. I am understanding and patient. I went to meetings with him, was supportive, etc. but he walked all over me...to the point that his own friends would come up to me and tell me that I am too good for him. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Just remember we all learn from our mistakes. I believe we go through things in life to make us stronger for the future. I know it is hard but there are so many others with worse things than us. Here I am all upset I lost the love of my life. Well I have a job, I have my own apartment, I have friends, family, I volunteer. I need to look at the positive even when things are tough. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Oh I dated him in college. Not literally but someone that sounds like that. I would hang out with the girls he was cheating on me with. We lived together and he would stay up and I would go to bed and he would be in the next room with them. He wants me back has for the last 6 years (ironically he is with the girl that he was last cheating on me with) and they have been toghther 8 years but still calls and texts me... I do not like men like that. I would lie about when I drank. I would never go out and get drunk but I would drink and say I didn't. Which is still a lie and did it repetitively and lost him. Now I am working on me and realizing what I did what am idiot I am Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Oh I dated him in college. Not literally but someone that sounds like that. I would hang out with the girls he was cheating on me with. We lived together and he would stay up and I would go to bed and he would be in the next room with them. He wants me back has for the last 6 years (ironically he is with the girl that he was last cheating on me with) and they have been toghther 8 years but still calls and texts me... I do not like men like that. I would lie about when I drank. I would never go out and get drunk but I would drink and say I didn't. Which is still a lie and did it repetitively and lost him. Now I am working on me and realizing what I did what am idiot I am I understand. The problem is that my ex is almost 40, and so am I. Engaging in this type of behavior at our age is extremely immature. I went to therapy for years, and I have come a long way. I cannot be with someone that brings me down to that level, so I knew I had to break it off eventually. Now, I am alone. Am I better off???? I don't know. I am lonely. I don't have any sex. I don't have any drama, but is that enough???? Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 I really don't have any idea what to do at this point. I just need something positive. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Have you thought about getting a pet? Maybe that can help with the lonliness? What about doing something you always wanted to do but never got the chance to? Like rock climbing or bungee jumping or cooking classes? Anything to take your mind off. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Have you thought about getting a pet? Maybe that can help with the lonliness? What about doing something you always wanted to do but never got the chance to? Like rock climbing or bungee jumping or cooking classes? Anything to take your mind off. My roommate has 2 cats, so I do have pets in my life. All I want to do is travel, but that is not possible at the moment as my finances are not great and my contract is nearing its end. I need to keep busy. It is just that my moods are so up and down from day to day so I cannot make any plans right now. I do have friends and they are there for me, but it is not the same feeling you get from being in a relatiosnhip and that is what I miss. I know it will get better with time, but the time is not passing fast enough. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Take it one day at a time. Force yourself to go out with your friends even if you don't want to. Once you get out there, you'll see that it's not too bad. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 It is the morning that is the worst. Waking up alone. Knowing that I have to work and sit here and think about the fact that I am alone....and then repeating it all again, over and over and over again....every day...the same routine... Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I know, I went through what you went through before. It's hard but life keeps moving and you have to move with it. It will get better and it's not the end of the world. As one door closes; another will open. Think of all the possibilities now that you're single!! Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 I am almost 40. The possibilities are there, sure...but I want to get married and have kids. This is not so easy if you have not even met a nice guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. My ex always said that he wanted to have kids with me, but he would have been a horrible father. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Well I know the feeling except I am only turning 30. It is like you have your expectations on where you should be and you are not there. My counselor brought up the fact that I wanted to be married with kids at 30 and here I am alone and said. Is that what you really want. I do not know. I never wanted to get married I was a commitment phobe. I never wanted kids but I think I should have them. So will these things make me happy probably not. So it is just identifying what makes you happy and letting him get you down for not being where you want to be in your life. Life has no guarantees and although I pray to get back together with my ex it is looking more and more like friends everyday.... It is sad, but who knows. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Typo should say NOT letting him get you down for not being where you want to be in your life Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Well, imagine yourself in 10 years and then you would be in my position. I am doing everything possible to not repeat the same patterns. It is a very rough road to travel, but I am hoping that I end up in a better place. I am not going out with guys that are bad for me. I've had a few opportunities in the past 6 months and I turned them down. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Well I am not planning on dating again. Too hard. So I may adopt someday. Probably in my 40s. So my life is established and I am where I want to be. I have had 2 long term relationships and where the last one I thought was my soul mate. I do not want to do that again. Falling in love to be hurt is no fun. I went on a couple of dates and that was like death. I hate dating.... Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 You are not always going to feel this way. There will come a time when someone special will enter your life and you will be able to believe that love is possible again. I don't know when that will be, but I live with the hope that it will happen someday. Link to comment
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