sonador Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Ok so its not really what you'd call a first date - well it is if you dont count last year's internet dating thing.... But anyway a guy from work asked me out and we're going out on Friday and i am really excited yet really nervous. See we tried this last Christmas, when we were set up by a colleague of ours and we tried hanging out at our Xmas party but when we talked i felt we had nothing in common and it made us both feel uncomfortable. Then a few month later he came out with me on my lunch break and we tried to talk to each other but when we both got back to work, he said i was a hard person to talk to, but i don't think he meant it horribly. But on Monday this week he asked me out and i said yes. But now i'm worried that i won't be able to talk to him, that we'd run off things to say or that we won't have anything in common. what if i screw up, i always do. And what if after the date no feelings surface? I know i'm not supposed to think negatively but i can't help but worry...im really scared. Advice please? Link to comment
fc1a Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Obviously you made a positive impression on him in some way or else he wouldn't have asked you out, right? And you must like something about him to have said yes. You've tried twice and both times you felt you failed but maybe he sees past your nervousness and wants to give you (and himself) another chance, and unconsciously you must feel the same way. You're already friends anyway, go have a good time, and just be yourself. He knows you from work, he sees you every day, he knows how you act naturally and likes it so that's what you give him. So that's half the battle already won; he likes you enough to ask you out and you like him enough to accept. If as you said "after the date no feelings surface", so be it, you tried, and you can only gain from the experience. But nothing will happen unless you go in the first place. Good luck and have fun, OK? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 He has fifty percent of the responsibility for keeping the conversation comfortable and flowing. Link to comment
Taomagicdragon Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 First off, relax a bit, if he wasn't into you he would not keep trying after so long. It's always easier to converse with another when there are no outside pressures or time constraints (Christmas party or lunch breaks). Talk with him like he's a dear friend, you could talk about anything really and I'm sure he'd just be fascinated. Stay away from the 3 impolite topics (Politics, Sex, and Religion) as well as avoid the 3 heavy topics about "Our future" (Kids, living together, marriage) and avoid talking about your vices or exes/past experiences because for all of those topics there will be a time and a place later. Have fun, smile, touch his arm, accept compliments gracefully and return them tactfully. Link to comment
lucidloser Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Yes, I agree with everyone here! He has to hold up his half, so don't feel like you're on the spot. You're both in this together, haha. He is probably concerned about how he comes accross! I would be so glad if I were you because HE asked YOU! So you know he is fond of you, so just keep being your likable self. And as for after the date, that is not to be thought about yet my dear! I feel sad that you're nervous, being nervous is something I spend a lot of time doing so I know how non-fun it is... but i'm glad you're also excited, keep focusing on that! Just smile, breathe, and all else fails just picture him wearing this wig If you're the EXTREMELY nervous type, you could always make a list of things to talk about just to go over a few times. Some suggestions are: Favorite bands, things you hate about work, funny stories from work (i'm suggesting work things because then you might have things in common), what you did last weekend, what your summer plans are, favorite movies (seen any good ones lately), I mean these are all very basic topics... it would be wonderful if you could get to a deeper conversational level, but this is enough to let you survive the night! Good luck!!! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I went out with a guy once a few times who said i was a very difficult person to get to know. I know that isn't really true. I actually am able to connect with people on just about any level but this guy himself WAS the difficult one. He mumbled when he talked, jumped around in convo and i had a hard time following him. Maybe this guy himself is the one who has a hard time connecting. Anyway, give it a go one last time. If it is still difficult on the third try i'd let him go. Link to comment
lucidloser Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 ^yeeeah, good point! I would bet that's why he said it. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 well maybe some kind of prep work before the date...as dumb as it may sound make a plan of what you want to bring up..make sure its not forced in anyway but have some topics you want to bring up while you are out.... Link to comment
sonador Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Just smile, breathe, and all else fails just picture him wearing this wig LOL! Thanks guys for that! I think i needed this. Still a bit nervous, but your advice has helpd. but lucidloser i know what music he likes - and its a lot different to my taste in music - can that be a bad thing? He likes R&B and I don't. I like cheesy pop (should i admit that) and i don't think he does. But i've heard opposites attract so....lol. But seriously is that a bad thing? Oh and we're going to dinner. Do i let him pay? Should i offer to pay? And if that's the case. how exactly do i do that without making him feel stupid or awful? Link to comment
fc1a Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 The "who pays" question, always an uncomfortable one for a first date between friends. Some feel that whoever asked the other out should pay, others think it should be split. That's up to you, but personally, (this of course while I was still single!!) if I asked the woman out, I will come prepared to pay for the whole thing but if she offers to pay her half I'll accept it rather than decline her. That way I cover both bases without having to ask her and not have to put her on the spot. If she wanted to pay her half she'll find a way to get it to me, either by offering it early, or tossing her money in when the bill arrives, or handing over the money at the end of the evening saying "thanks for taking me out, here's my half of the dinner". Either way it was all her move and she was never put on the spot. If she believes in the "who asked pays" then she won't do any of these and I won't ask about it either. Doesn't affect my opinion of her since I had budgeted on paying it all anyway. Now, for your date, if he feels he should pay for it all, when you offer he'll turn it away and say "It's OK, my treat". If he does, leave it at that, and what you do to reciprocate if you really want to make sure you get to pay, is offer to pay next time (this has a positive effect of telling him you want to see him again, assuming you want this). Music tastes are always tough; just don't let it be a source of tension right off the bat. Don't make faces or groan or make any negative comment when you're in the car and he is playing his favorite stuff that you dislike, for example. Do that and the date is ruined. Sit and take it, it won't kill you.... Having to listen to someone else's taste in music for a few minutes in the car is nowhere as bad as, say, having to eat something you truly dislike (i.e. you hate pasta and he tries to take you to Italian) or go to a movie or concert that isn't your taste. That is where you'd have to put your foot down -- speak up because those would be torture to sit through, you wouldn't be enjoying the date while he would be, which isn't fair. I don't blame you for being nervous. I'm sure he was nervous asking you out again (hey, you think you screwed up, I bet he thinks he did too!) and breathed a sigh of relief when you accepted, but I bet he's more nervous than you now. So try to relax, and start things off on a positive note. When he arrives to pick you up, before getting into the car, move in and give him a hug. That should loosen some of the tension right away. You'll be fine, as everyone else here has been telling you! Link to comment
sonador Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 LOL i can tell you now he won't be picking me up. Neither of us drive yet so we both use public transport. Luckily we're going on our date after work.... Link to comment
fc1a Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Nothing wrong with that. When the work part of the day ends and the official "date" part begins, throw in that hug to signal the beginning of it. Link to comment
bicksford Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Oh man you've got nothing to worry about. Thanks to him you skipped over the awkward stage of "are we just friends?" and moved right on to the next part. As a guy I usually expect a girl to talk a lot, no offense to anybody, so I try to listen well and ask her questions about herself. If he's doing this then you'll just need to answer his questions and maybe ask a few of your own. I think it's not your job to try to make him an interesting person, but making yourself interesting is important. I know people who can take a situation that we were both in and tell the story in such a way that it is 10x more interesting. Link to comment
fc1a Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 So, since you came to us for advice, gotta ask how did the date go? Link to comment
sonador Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 it was ok. I don't know. it was weird and at the same time kind of awkward. I don't know how i feel about him yet. After so much persuasion from my friends i agreed to go out with him again. Only our date keeps getting postponed from both sides. LOL. All because of our work shifts. I feel like i'm dating a doctor! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 How is it that you feel like you're dating a doctor when you are also the one postponing the next date? I would not see the person again because of your "friends" - see him if you want to continue to explore whether there is potential. If not, you will start to use your work and other schedules as an excuse not to plan the next date. There needs to be some continuity if you're going to put the effort into exploring this further. Link to comment
sonador Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 How is it that you feel like you're dating a doctor when you are also the one postponing the next date? I would not see the person again because of your "friends" - see him if you want to continue to explore whether there is potential. If not, you will start to use your work and other schedules as an excuse not to plan the next date. There needs to be some continuity if you're going to put the effort into exploring this further. how is it i'm feeling like i'm dating a doctor? Ok we both work shifts and it seems whenever we make a date to try and work around it it ends up failing because of our shifts. We have again made a plan to go bowling on Tuesday Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 how is it i'm feeling like i'm dating a doctor? Ok we both work shifts and it seems whenever we make a date to try and work around it it ends up failing because of our shifts. We have again made a plan to go bowling on Tuesday Oh, ok, never thought of that as particular to doctors. Have fun! Link to comment
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