Why Does She Lie So Much?

[LW4E]

My girlfriend of nearly three years broke up with me back in April... because someone she met on the internet told her that I can't be trusted and "deserved to lose her." I was just naturally angered at the decision because she didn't even try to sit down with me and talk about the issues she thought we had been having.

 

I still managed to take the break up just fine... until I found out that the guy who put those ideas in her head about me professed his love to her two days later. She told me about her plans to fly out to england to meet him... I was sketchy on the idea seeing as how she's been talking to him for a year, he has yet ot send her a real picture of himself ot her (he just drew one on paint) and he is thirty-two years old, trying to get a seventeen year old out to his country. I told her that it wasn't a good idea and that this guy seemed really shady and really weird.

 

Anyway, later on in the week, she was talking to me about him... we talked about him a lot since I introduced the two... yes I introduced them, big mistake. So she told me that normally, he'd fly out to Canada to come visit her, but he had a rare disease called "balmers" and he can't fly alone, she he needed her to go to England first and spend time there so he could fly here with her. I went home that night with that thought in my head, the whole idea of needing a seventeen year old to fly with him seemed a bit fishy to me so I looked up this disease he had and it didn't even exist, I looked on every search engine, every medical dictionary and even called a number a friend gave me to speak to a nurse about it... doesn't exist.

 

The next day, at school I told her that I couldn't find any information on it and she told me she knew it existed because she found a website about it. I told her to take me to the library and find the page, saying I would eat my words if she could find it... well she said "The page had a long and weird name, I won't be able to find it again" she said this before she even looked. I didn't start a fight, I just said "I think you should really try to figure this stuff out, and find out what the deal is here before you make any plans to fly out to England to meet this guy."

 

She went home that night and asked him about it and came to me the next day saying "Jason told me that he has vertigo." So we got into a little fight about how he had changed his story, no matter what I said, she didn't believe me... even though he changed his story, changed his disease completely for that matter. over the course of the next few days, her story kept going back and forth from "He has vertigo" to "He doesn't know how to spell or pronounce his disease." I honstly don't know how a thirty-two year old doesn't know how to spell a disease he's apparently had his entire life, a disease that doesn't even seem that hard to spell in the first place. I have asthma, eczema and every winter for the last fourteen years I've gotten bronchitis, I can spell them all and pronounce them all just fine... mainly because I've needed medication for all three of them at some point or another... not to mention, he claims to need meds for his condition, how can he not pronounce it if he always needs prescriptions filled?

 

One day in May, while we were out with a friend, she got sick, collapsed, threw up and had to be taken to the hospital, I went to her house with our friend, my friend mentioned that we would need to find her health card, so we went inside (We were there waitjng for her dad to get home.) We looked all over the place for her health card for about an hour before I heard her cell phone go off when I was in her room. I took a look at it and saw that she had gotten a text message from that guy... my curiosity got the best of me so I read it and ended up reading all the rest of her texts from him. A lot of them I thought at the time were disturbing, like when he said "I'm laying here thinking about you... naked." Of course that was before I went to her computer and went through her conversations, again I know what I did was really wrong, and on tons of levels as well, but I just wanted to get to the bottom of it, really. Anyway, from the conversation I had found out that they had been regularly having phone sex and were still planning each other... it even sounded like they were planning on meeting just to have sex, it was really disturbing and very heart breaking.

 

We never did find her health card, I actually just found it in my laundry bin after months of it being missing. When she got home from the hospital, we talked to her about what we found, the talk was really long, I actually stayed up with her until 3:00 AM, and not getting any sleep at all that night... and it was Mother's day so I was exhausted for all of monther's day and even missed dinner that night because I was sleeping all day.

 

On the morning of Mother's Day, she messaged me on msn, saying "I hope you're happy, I cut him out of my life... he's gone and I'm never talking to him again... you got your way." Funny thing... I never once said she couldn't talk to him, so I don't know where she got this whole "You got what you wanted" thing.

 

Anyway, she made up her mind on the matter... everything seemed fine for a while, we were even growing closer to each other, even though I didn't really feel like being in a relationship with her... it still felt nice.

 

Well, I remember before we found any of this out... I went to her house with one of her best friends and she came to the door wearing nothing but an oversized shirt looking really guilty, and her friend caught her on the phone with him when she left us downstairs, that's where the initial suspision came from.

 

Anyway, one day we were both off school and I tried calling her to ask if she wanted to go for a walk... but the line was busy, so I went over to her house. She came to the door and it was a sense of deja vu, oversized shirt, looking as guilty as she possibly could. She invited me in, gave me something to drink and sent me home... when I got home I sat around for a bit before getting curious and trying to call her again, still busy. After about a half hour, she starts talking to me on msn, I commented "Finally off the phone?" and she said "Oh, the phone was off the hook all day, I just noticed now." then I remembered when she told me that somebody had been calling her house and she was ignoring it earlier, so I brought that up and she started questioning why I was questioning her... she even said "When you came to my house, I was running around naked because I as about to take a shower and I was looking for shampoo. I tried not to fight, but it eventually escalated into that.

 

After catching wind of this, her friends contacted me and said "We're going to Christina's house, we're getting as many of her friends together as we can, and we're going to talk to her." Well, it ended up being just me and two other friends who went there, we sat on her front lawn and talked for a few hours. During that talk, my ex was really stubborn but made one promise, her friend said "I don't want to see or hear about this guy anymore, you have to take him off of your msn, and off of your myspace, facebook or where ever else you have him." she said she would, then he friend said "So we can trust you a hundred percent to do that within the next two days?" And she said "Yes, I can be trusted to do that." Well, many... MANY days went by and we noticed that he was still on her myspace friend's list, I left the issue alone because I was never the one to tell her to get rid of him, I just let it marinate basically. I did however bring it up a few times in fights, and she owuld just say "you have no idea" and not say anything else.

 

A few more weeks had gone by, by the end of last week, we were getting closer and becoming more open with each other again. Last night we had a graduation party to attend, we were originally supposed to leave at 7:00 PM but there was a change of plans and we were to leave at 8:00 PM instead, so I called her at 7:00 and her line was busy. I tried calling her about every five minutes I then picked up that guy's phone number which I too have and tried calling him, his line was busy too. At about 7:20 when the line finally freed up and she picked up, I told her about the change of plan and she said that she'd take a shower and call me back. When I hung up, I called that guy and his phone rang, so I pretty much knew she was talking to him, I didn't really care that she was talking to him, I was just fuming that she lied to me, but I vowed not to ruin the grad party with our crap.

 

When 8:00 came around, I left to go meet her, this is how our conversation went when I arrived at her house.

 

Her: OMG!!! these stupid tele marketers called my house at six and kept my dad on the phone until he had to leave for my sister's grad dance.

Me: Crap... what time did they leave?

Her: They rushed out at about 7:00 because they were late.

Me: Oh, I was trying to call a lot to tell you about the change of plans, the line was busy from 7:00 until about 7:20.

Her: Oh, my dad was probably still talking to the tele-marketers...

Me: Oh

 

I totally caught her in a lie there, but I didn't say anything, just because I didn't want to screw the night up.

 

We had a great night and the party was awesome, actually made me miss the old days, going to school, hanging out with friends at the park etc.

 

Today I talked to her on msn and questioned her about it, she then started saying I was accusing her, flipping out, just basically going nuts over it. Eventually she told me I was an A-Hole and blocked me. Of course, I walked over to her house so we could finish that argument face-to-face. I showed up at her door and she laughed at me and asked me what the hell I was doing at her house, I told her that she knew exactly what I was doing there. I stayed there and we fought for about an hour, she knew full well that I caught her in a lie and that I knew that she had lied and betrayed the trust of all of her friends, but she still denied the things I had full proof of. She even tried to get me to believe all of the most bogus lies I had ever heard, like "I call him when I get upset, but he doesn't pick up because he doesn't want to talk to me." I would never believe such a thing, that's just ridiculous.

 

Anyway, she tried to justify her actions by relating to her cousin, she told me a story:

 

Her: My cousin Sam was telling me about her boyfriend, his name is MArty and he lives one town over from her... she met him on the internet and he's in his late 20s... she's sixteen.

Me: Okay... are you trying to prove a point here or something?

Her: No *Smiles*

Me: Well I guess you can always have fun little competitions to see who can have the oldest boyfriend, I hear it's all the rage these days.

 

She gave me a dirty look and I left soon after... later on in the day, about two and a half hours ago I called her. I told her that I wanted to talk to her and get to the bottom of everything and asked her if she'd want to go for a walk later on...

 

"NO" *Hang up*

 

Wow, okay... that actually upset me... all I tried to do today was talk to her and she turned it into a fight, I tried to talk to her again and she hung up on me.

 

I know how she thinks, she probably has the idea stuck in her head that I have an ulterior motive to acting like this, thinking that I probably want to get back together with her, honestly, that's at the bottom of my list right now. What I want to know is, why in the world does she feel she needs to lie so much... even when she knows her lies have been exposed, she still tries to defend them... even when she accidentially exposes her own lies she tries to defend them, it doesn't make any sense to me. My greatest concern is that she's going to lose all of her friends, a lot of them have already washed their hands of her, right now I'm one of the few who still come around to visit her and she's lying to me... I don't know how much longer I can hold out doing this.

 

Thanks...

[Whiskers]

She's playing a dangerous game and personally, I'd cut her out of your life. She doesn't care about you anymore and she's only going to keep lashing out at you.

Do yourself a favour and stay away from her, she's a mess

XXXX

[djsh4dow]

Denial ain't the river in Egypt. She knows what she's doing is inappropriate. Sounds like the behavior of an addict.

[Bunney]

Seriously? She's immature and full of drama, why are you even still in contact with her? You shouldn't give a damn about whether she's going to lose her friends or not. She's a liar, there's no need for you to make an effort to find out "why" she lies so much, you know some people are just liars by nature. And do you really think talking to her about it will change anything? As if she will admit that she's a liar? It's just going to be denying denying denying justifying justifying excuses excuses like ALWAYS.

 

Why are you still spending so much time and energy on her? Seriously now... Just cut her out of your life and let her do what she wants.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

do her parents know about her talking to this man?

are they o.k. with it??

if they are then i would stay out of it

you've tried everything and she won't change her mind or stop talking to him just because you and a few friends tell her not to.

 

She hasn't even seen this guy and he's probably some disgusting perv praying on a young girl...

 

I don't know, i would be really worried if one of my friends was planning on going to another country to visit a guy she hasn't even seen in pictures...

and i mean , i doubt her parents would let her go..

 

i would let her parents know about it if she was planning on going there and lied to her parents.

[Whiskers]

I think her mother died...(previous thread) dad doesn't know

XXXX

[dont_know_what_2_say]

well she still has a dad, and she lives with him and if i saw her going to another country to meet up with some man

specially her being a minor and him being 30+ (perv)

i would definitely let her parents know, because she hasn't even seen this guy!

and he's engaging in phone sex with her and she might be in danger going accross the pond to see him....

[HeartGoesOn]

First of all, the guy is a pedophile. Why else would he want a 17 y/o girl to fly out and meet him, knowing that he's much older, and a complete stranger?

 

I'm don't know the laws are in your state, but he may be breaking the law by having phone sex with a minor.

 

I think her life could be in danger if she keeps this up. Who knows if he has her address, or other personal information on her?

 

I think you ned to talk to someone who has some knowledge concerning this, before it goes any futher.

 

If you lose her as a friend, at least you did the right thing, and can sleep at night.

[Whiskers]

if she goes to england...by having intercourse they will not be breaking the law...don't really want her to come over here though!

[Shalron]

yeah, we have enough unstable people here already 8P

[LW4E]

I've actually taken this issue to our school, she stil ldoesn't know that I did that because I did it in secrecy.

 

The vice principal contacted the police and they said that the laws here just changed and the legal age of consent is now seventeen. He said that we're in a difficult position because they would be able to do something called a "Student Intervention" which involved parents, teachers and the police, but she's too old for that (Sixteen is the oldest.) But they wanted to do something before she turned eighteen because once she does she'll be allowed to run out and get a passport, her B-Day is on September 11, so it's not too far away.

 

As far as her parents go, her mother passed away a year and a half ago, and the disturbing thing about her dad is that he does know she talks to this guy AND he thinks that the guy is older than he really is.

 

I don't know if this guy knows her address, but she did tell me his address because when we were still together, she was mailing christmas and B-Day gifts to him, I wasn't too stupid to see the red flags... I even told her to stop wasting money on him and spend it on herself and she snapped on me. But I did learn his address from it. Since the time her friends learned about this guy, I can't count how many times I've heard "Let's kill him" or "I know people." Most people are joking, but I actually have a friend who has relatives in England who was seriously about to contact them over this, like I said, some of my friends and I are like brothers and sisters, we'll do anything for each other. This particular friend was looking to have this guy seriously beaten lol.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I do care about her, but I think this calls for drastic measures... I feel a little bit bad running around to all of our friends saying "We have to stop talking to her." but at the same time I feel like it has to be done... we've given her so many chances to be honest and to prove that she can be trusted that the only thing we can really do now is give her a choice, if she chooses him, fine... We'll just have to leave her to make her own mistakes.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

what about the fact that she doesn't even know what the guy looks like?

 

how is she gonna recognize him when she gets there? (If she goes to see him?)

 

what if the guy turns out to be a disgusting man and she regrets it then

but she'll be by herself then, nobody knows what the guy looks like

 

and if you have the guy's address

you could ask those people that live in england, to go to his house, and see what he looks like..check him out.. get his name and run a police record on him???

maybe they'll find out he's married with kids, or some disgusting perv..

who knows..

 

I don't know.. and the fact that her father knows about this and he doesn't care then..

 

I guess just step away? let her learn a lesson...

 

hmmm I still think she would be in danger if she went..

[LW4E]

I couldn't believe when she told me "My dad knows and he thinks he's older than he really is." One day during the talk we had with her friends there, I brought up that if I was a parent I wouldn't allow this at all, then she got mad at me, telling me to stop blaming her dad.

 

Another thing she does regularly is blame other people for her problems, and her friends are usually the ones who get it. This was a conversation I once had with her.

 

Her: I feel nothing anymore, nobody cares about me.

Me: Well, if that's true then there's really no surprise what with the way you've treated your friends.

Her: Treated my friends? I've treated them just fine.

Me: Right... okay *Rolls eyes.*

Her: I try to treat them great, but they all just use me as their puppet.

Me: Wow, you have no idea, a lot of us wouldn't trust you to even be our puppet.

Her: You know what? You're not helping, I thought talking to you would help, but I guess not.

Me: I'm telling you the truth, what, you want me to lie? You want me to agree with you that your friends are at the root of all your problems? I'm not going to do that, you need to take responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming your friends because you ruined your own life.

 

I wasn't just talking crap when I said that, she really did ruin her life with this guy. He encouraged her to skip school so she could stay home and talk to him, once she even missed an important test because she wanted to talk to him, then she claimed that she was planning on staying home anyway when she had even gotten her uniform on. Just like me, she's back in school for an extra year, this year, one thing led to another, he told her that she'd be fine if she missed school to she always skipped out, and I would always skip out in an attempt to bring her back to school. Of course, it never worked because she only listened to the old guy... I never understood that, before any of this even happened, I was able to point out lies and contradictions in his stories, and she still believed every word he said.

 

I made the decision not to speak to her again, when I did I told a friend of mine and he said "It's about time what all the rest of us have." After hearing about this story, a lot of her friends just said that they were out, some said they were out before this. She's done all this to herself, I hope she enjoys the internet, I hope she enjoys the phone, because if she keeps it up, she'll never see her friends again.

[LW4E]

Update:

 

Last night when I got in from a night out with some friends, I noticed that she was trying to talk to me on msn. She asked me why my msn name was still "Perpetual *Heart* Christina *Heart*"

 

That was my screen name throughout our entire relationship, she had something similar but with my name in it. Thing is, when she broke up with me, the first thing I did was change my screen name, so it is no longer what she asked me about, and it hasn't been since she broke up with me in April.

 

Her computer however has a weird problem that only happens with my screen name, she'll sign into msn and my old screen name will show up, she'll click on my name, open the contact card and it will change to my current screen name, I always through it was really strange why her computer does that. I also found it kinda surprising that she asked me about it... she should know.

 

anyway, she was offline and I simply messaged her back saying "It's not" and nothing else.

 

This morning, I was just about to call a friend to see if he wanted to hang out today, and as I was going through the missed calls, I noticed that she tried to call me at around 8:00 PM last night... I found it kinda strange because I called her about 4:00 PM the same day and asked if she wanted to go for a walk so we could sort out our problems and she said "No" and hung up on me.

 

I am a little bit curious as to why she called me, but I'm not going to initiate any kind of contact with her until she does, and even if she tries... I probably won't answer, yesterday my friend told me "Don't give her the satisfaction of giving her attention, don't even tell her that you're not going to talk to her anymore, just drop out and ignore her. It's tough love, you hang around her so much and you give her the impression that she can lie to you, you're not there, that shows that she can't lie to you, take control." So I'm taking all the advice that I've gotten both on here and from my friends and I'm not talking to her, probably never again because I'm convnced that she'll never stop lying.

[Raph]

I doubt there's anything you can do to convince her - in this case she'll only realise she's being used once she's hurt. It's a tragedy of life that happens a lot, but what can one do? I don't think your system of being angry and confronting her and then later wanting to talk with her seems to be helping to be honest. I do sympathise with you that you don't want her going astray and getting hurt, and it is probably a moral duty to help people not go downhill but there's a limit to what you can do. She's 17 and immature and is in love with a mysterious man who is stroking her fantasies, and he has more power over her than you do as a result. There's almost nothing you can do until she is hurt. Only then she might come running back to you, if you're still there for her. But if you want to abandon ship, then be decisive. Going back and forth is not really good and there's no point as it's not constructive.

[LW4E]

Chances are... I would never want to get back with her, I look back and I see that she's caused me more harm than good during our relationship, I stuck with her whenever she fought with my friends (Which of course... cost me a lot of friends.) I was by her side every day and every night from the day she heard that her mother was going to die until about two months after she died. I missed out on a lot of school to be by her side for a lot of different reasons, as a result, I'm in high school a year longer than I should be (So is she.) I realize now that the best thing she ever did for me was break up with me... because I now truly feel like my life is getting back on track. I still do love her very much and nothing will ever change that, she knows full well that if anybody ever hurt her, that I'd be the first one to do something about it. I know this guy is up to no good, he budded into our personal life, practically slandered me to her, telling her that I simply can't be trusted and deserve to lose her and all that crap, then to profess his love just days after she broke up with me... it all seems a bit fishy to me and it always has. I know she's going to get hurt by this, that's always been my prediction, I can just see it happening, I just don't want to see her get hurt, obviously.

 

Today seemed like it would be a great day, I made separate plans with different friends, went out of town to visit a friend frol 12:00 to 7:00 only to leave my house at 7:30 for plans with other friends. While we were out one of my friends insisted that we go get my ex to hang out, I said no, but they insisted, so we did. After our night out, my ex insisted on buying me a late night dinner (It was 12:30 AM) so we went with a friend through the Wendy's drive thru and got some food, then we went up to her room, sat on the floor and ate it. When we were finished eating I told her that I know she lied to me and I know that she's been lying to everyone and that I wasn't going to talk to her ever again unless she decided to grow up and tell the truth. I went to leave and she stepped in between me and the door, and STILL LIED TO ME!!! So I repeated the exact phrase I had just stated and left...

 

So now I'm here... I'm actually talking to one of her friends about this and she's just telling me "I can't believe she's still doing this even after all of her friends have talked to her, I guess she's made up her mind."

 

I guess she has...