I'm going to have to break my own heart

[CoCo2009]

Me and my bf broke up about 2 and a half weeks ago. Around the 1 week point he came knocking on my apartment door telling me his has been a mess looking around my apartment for me and seeing if I was home just missing me and wanting to talk but was too angry at me to do so. We had sex that night. Then we didnt' talk for about 4 days and then I called him because I was upset about having sex with him and I told him that we needed to talk and I counldn't have sex with him anymore because it hurt and I couldn't heal and it wasn't right to have sex if we were not going to make up to eachother. He said that he knows that I can't have no strings attached sex and that he doesn't want to either but right now he doesn't want to commit becuase he is not ready after all the stuff we have been through. He then came knocking on my door again that night Monday and I told him NO we cannot have sex because we are not working it out. He started to say well I do want to date and see how things go he said he can't be in denial anymore that he loves me and he misses me. That doesn't mean we are together but somehow I had sex with him again. He didnt call me yesterday and I thought it had something to do with taking it one day at a time but I don't think it does. I'm just hurting myself. I called him this morning and told him I needed to meet him for lunch and I am going to tell him I can't see him anymore unless we are going to really work things out and if he see's a future with me. Its going to hurt if or when he says its over but I HAVE to do it. I have to be strong.

[CoCo2009]

does anyone get the feeling I'm being used? Thanks

[riley123]

You are absolutely right, he's taking advantage of the situation and you are the one who’s getting hurt.

 

Be strong and take control. You can do it. It might hurt now, but it’s really the best thing in the long run.

 

Good luck!

[riley123]

does anyone get the feeling I'm being used? Thanks

 

Of course you are. He's manipulating the situation and telling you the things you want to hear so he can have sex.

 

Don't sell yourself short -- you deserve much more than that.

[Leezon]

He's manipulating the situation and telling you the things you want to hear so he can have sex.

 

Don't sell yourself short -- you deserve much more than that.

 

 

EXACTLY!! He is just using you

[Whiskers]

If he wants to start dating again...let him come to your door, knock and take you out to dinner. After a few successful evenings, consider moving on but slowly...after all - he wants dating, he gets dating.

On the other hand, it sounds like typical break up behaviour, him coming back to what he knows but not willing to work it out because the desicion has been made. Do yourself a favour and tell him no, you don't want to be used in this way and if he doesn't respect that, to back off and leave you alone altogether. It's hard but you can't be strung along.

I assume he did the breaking up?

XXXX

[CoCo2009]

yeah he did because I am needy and clingy and would pick arguments with him.

[Whiskers]

That doesn't make it okay to do the same to you since you split. He's the one coming around looking for sex and not wanting to work things out. Since he did the dumping he knows you still like him and are in a position to be used.

You need to break the cycle. Cut him off.

Do you want him back?

XXXX

[mca1975]

I'm sure a part of him is missing you, but he is not willing to make things up but still wants to have sex. This hurts, a lot. Ive done it myself.

 

Its always hard to leave the sex behind when breaking up, especially if it was good. Also its like a way of holding on to you but also feeling the release of not being in the relationship anymore. I dont think he is trying to hurt you, but he just is. Yes dont do the sex anymore, go into NC.

x

[mca1975]

In fact, I did this to my ex myself, used to attend his premises for sex, which hurt him (and me), but I found it so hard of letting go of him sexually, of the touching, the kissing etc. This went on for months, until we both felt so rubbish afterwards we couldnt do it anymore, and now we dont speak. So you see, Im just explaining that to show you why he may be doing this, its not intentional.

 

I wont ever do that again with an ex.

[barbielovesmac]

he can't just come 'a knockin when he wants a little action. if all he wants is sex, then he needs to go find it elsewhere.

 

you are a woman with a lovely heart and feelings. don't be his doormat. don't let him use you.

 

if he wants to be with you then he needs to step up. don't let him think for another second that he can just come to you for sex when he wants it. if you continue to let him do this then he will think it's OK and it is simply not okay.

 

it is only hurting you. you need to be upfront with him and let him know how you feel. if he doesn't like it ... then there is your answer.

 

i will never agree with "oh, i can't be with you ... but i'll have sex with you" thing, sorry.

[CallingAllAngels]

Sex with an ex just never works for all the reasons you describe in your post.

 

Sorry this is so hard for you and you feel so bad.

 

Allie

[ycmanvs]

I went through something very similar until I put a stop to it last month and guess what? As soon as I told him that I did not want to kiss him or have him in my house because we might end up having sex, he stopped talking to me and said that it was too "difficult" to see me if we were not sleeping together.

 

Please try to stay strong and do not spend any time alone with him if you know that you will not be strong enough to resist him. You are not officially back together and the more you see him, the more attached you will get, and the more it will hurt.

[dream83]

If he wants to date you, then tell him he need to "date" you. Saying that and then randomly showing up for sex is putting the cart way before the horse, and he should know that.

[CoCo2009]

So what should I say, I do want to get back together but I can't have sex anymore. What should I say, how do I word it?

[CallingAllAngels]

What is it that you want?

[barbielovesmac]

So what should I say, I do want to get back together but I can't have sex anymore. What should I say, how do I word it?

 

you tell him exactly what YOU feel. if you don't just want sex, then you tell him that.

[Girl79]

If he wants to date, date him, go out for dinner, watch movies, but don't put out when he comes over just for sex. Tell him that you'd like to date and see if things can be worked out, but when it comes to sex, you are not into being used as a doormat. It's a tough situation really, but you can't let him think he can come over and have sex with you whenever he wants.

[CoCo2009]

I want us to date and start seeing eachother again and then work or way back into the relationship

[CoCo2009]

If he wants to date, date him, go out for dinner, watch movies, but don't put out when he comes over just for sex. Tell him that you'd like to date and see if things can be worked out, but when it comes to sex, you are not into being used as a doormat. It's a tough situation really, but you can't let him think he can come over and have sex with you whenever he wants.

 

so if he comes over just let him talk and stuff but if he tries to have sex say no only if we are going to start going OUT on dates and work on if we want to be together again.

[CallingAllAngels]

I want us to date and start seeing eachother again and then work or way back into the relationship

 

Then tell him that word for word and see what he says.

[barbielovesmac]

so if he comes over just let him talk and stuff but if he tries to have sex say no only if we are going to start going OUT on dates and work on if we want to be together again.

 

that is exactly what you say.

[Whiskers]

You could tell him you can't be his doormat anymore, tell him that you aren't just going to wait for him to turn up and want sex.

You could him you need him out of your life if he has no intention of working on the relationship because you can't stay like this forever as you either need the space to get over him and meet someone new.

If he say's he wants to work on it, make him go through the motions of dating - no sex! He hurt you, he's using you.

XXXX

Either way you'll learn if he wants something other than sex from you or not

[CallingAllAngels]

so if he comes over just let him talk and stuff but if he tries to have sex say no only if we are going to start going OUT on dates and work on if we want to be together again.

 

You got it girl. Do you think you are strong enough to do that?

[Girl79]

^Yes exactly, say that.