Outright threats

[Morbid Shadow]

and mind games.....

 

Some are subtle, others very obvious.

 

The thing I want to talk about, is trying to get a better understanding so I can get a better grasp on the situation.

 

I know its been said that its best to not try to figure the abuser out (if that is what he is) and to just move on with life.

 

I dont agree with this train of thought. At least not for me anyway. I cant move on unless I figure out why...if I figure out why, then I wont feel as powerless against him, and I will have a better understanding of myself and how I got dragged into this in the first place. Knowledge is power.

 

I find out that my time is very very very limited until he comes around again. I thought I had plenty of time to plan safety, but I guess I dont.

 

I would like to know from some of you, why he talks me into believing that he wont hurt me, and that he will be nice to me if and only if I tell him a key piece of information and when I do, he straight out tells me the things he will do when he finds me....

 

Is he going to hurt me anyway, no matter which way I play this?

 

Am I past the point of being diplomatic with him about this?

 

What I mean to say is this: He tells me that there are ways to get rid of him, once and for all, all I have to do is xyz....and I do those things, and yet, he comes back, worse than ever before.

 

He tells me to tell him to his face that I dont want to be with him, or see him ever again, that only then he will accept it and leave me alone forever. So I tell him to his face, and he winds up holding me for several hours, wears me down until I am basically a terrified mute..

 

What does this mean?

[Whiskers]

It means, get out, get away and do it fast because sooner or later he's likely to kill you. It escalates to a point where even he can't control his actions.

1) are the words, the mental abuse...you're ugly, you're lazy, you're worthless.

2) it's always your fault (there is not lohic to his thinking) he will tell you his behaviour will always be caused by something YOU did, something YOU said. Had you kept your mouth shut it wouldn't have happened.

3) you begin to doubt yourself, wonder if you should be questioning him...if he was in fact right. You stop trusting your own judgement but deep down you know that you are right.

4) you need your partner to hear what you are saying you ever feel that only they can heal the pain you’ve caused?

5) he's hot and cold he can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, but show little care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

6) you're constantly walking with care around him, in fear of his outbursts

Any of this ring true?

 

Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and thereforeee it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth. Damaged victims may fail to take advantage of opportunities that would enrich their lives because they come to believe they are not worthy of those opportunities.

 

Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse) occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. For example, psychological abuse might occur when a pedophile tells a child victim that she caused the pedophile to abuse her because she is a ' * * * * ' who 'tempted' the pedophile. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious sequela (psychological after effects) later on.

[Aurian]

He is manipulating you so that no matter what you do, it is wrong. He tells you if you do this, he`ll do that, but he doesn`t. He just wants your attention and wants to be able to yank your heart about for his gratification. He likes the power he has over you.

 

Don`t let him TALK to you. Cut off all means for him to contact you. If you can`t be reached, he can`t manipulate you or jerk your soul around.

 

Some people do various forms of abuse because they are insecure. They need to control the other person so they won`t leave. They need to make the other person so weak that they`re too scared to leave.

 

Some people just do it because it brings them pleasure.

[Morbid Shadow]

posted by Whiskers

 

Actually, the only one that is remotely close is #6.

 

1) Tells me how in love he is with me, how beautiful I am, how attracted he is to me

2) Never. Accepts blame easily, and strives to rectify problems immediately.

3) Doesn’t apply

4) Doesn’t apply

5) Hot and Cold, yes. Very loving, never critical, words always match his actions.

6)This is the only one that rings true. He can either hold me in delight, or absolute terror of him.

 

The only time he ever turns cold blooded is when I have either tried to leave, or have left. Once he has gotten me in his grasp again, and under his control, he is absolutely enchanted by me. He worships me. The only thing he has ever asked of me is for me to never leave him.

 

 

posted by Aurian

 

This is what I am having the most problem with, Aurian.....Its not that I want to be manipulated nor jerked around, but its that I have this great fear that if I drop out of sight, I am in fear of what he might do...does this make sense? I am in fear of him sneaking up behind me, of not being able to keep enough tabs on him to make sure he is not catching on to where I am at, and to be able to know what he is up to....Does that sound sick?

 

As he likes to say, "Are you sure you want to cut off communication with me? I might just pop up somewhere when you least expect it"

[Aurian]

But keeping tabs on him is helping him keep tabs on you. If you drop out entirely, then he doesn`t have the opportunity to constanty reach out to you and cling to you. Many abusers say things to great effect, but don`t carry through (not all, but many).

 

For example, i was terrified to leave my ex because he threatened to kill me, kill my family and kill himself if I did so. He was violent and unpredictable enough that I believed him. I eventually left and "vanished". 2 years later, I am still alive (better than alive!), my family is healthy and he hasn`t killed himself (yet

 

It was just something he said to make me scared.

 

My counselor who was helping me through this said that many abusers told his clients similar things, but none to date have actually carried through. Nevertheless, you can still do things to make yourself feel safer - improve the security in your home and car, be more alert, make sure your roomates/neighbours/landlords know not to let someone with X description in.

[Whiskers]

You frightened of the fact that when all is said and done, when you have gotten away and set up somewhere and might have a chance at happiness, that you can't move on because he still has power. He not only has you living in fear but has you aware that for as long as he is alive, he will come after you and oneday he will make sure you can never leave him.

 

Are you asking how it's possible to get him out of your life, regain you pwer and freedom, without getting killed or have to see him in the process?

XXXX

 

As he likes to say, "Are you sure you want to cut off communication with me? I might just pop up somewhere when you least expect it this is what has you wondering if running from him is going to help at all.

 

Have you gone to the police? Do they know what you're going through? Is there no way you can keep tabs on him?

[Morbid Shadow]

I know it doesn’t make a terrible lot of sense…..I could see how some might look at my post and think “if he is so good to her, then why does she want to leave”?

 

The truth of the matter is that I am really not sure, except besides the violence I have endured when I tried to leave, that I know that something is just plain “not right” about him. I have been trying to stay away from him for years now, constantly dodging him, trying to always stay one step ahead of him. Its been exhausting.

 

He has backed me into a corner until I literally had no other option but to go with him in order to ensure my safety. I resented him for putting me in that situation obviously, and it made my resolve to get away from him all the more stronger because of it.

 

Since the last time I have gotten away from him, things have taken a severely dark turn. He has it in his mind to make sure the next time there is absolutely no way for me to get away.

 

While I was in a “relationship” (I dont know what to call it) with him, he did everything for me, treated me like a princess. Very charming, alluring, passionate, intense, very involved with how I felt or thought, but he also had a very disturbing dark side…For starters, this was a forced relationship, so there was that. Also, he was insanely, morbidly jealous, and if he was ever pushed or challenged, he could become violent, and illogical, making me quit jobs, restrict numbers on my phone from calling in or out, you get the idea. Pretty much, “I belonged to him and only him” philosophy. I always felt like my mind was constantly being “monitored” by him, it even got to the point that I was scared witless that he could read my mind, my thoughts and could read that I was planning on escaping him. Sometimes he would say “forget it, it will never happen” referring to me getting away from him, out of the blue, at the exact time I happened to be going through the plans in my head! That just reinforced to me that I had to get out ASAP because he was really doing a number on my head.

 

And in a way, even though its “over” its still not really over. I still crawl out of my skin whenever I have to go anywhere, and I don’t just mean back and forth from work…I mean if I have been anywhere, and I have to leave that place….just the transitioning, thinking he is lurking somewhere, ready to pop out and snag me like he did in the past…sometimes getting to sleep is hard because I am afraid of what will happen when I close my eyes…Mostly I am afraid for those I know and love, afraid that he really will snap and have no soul, as he says, because he will lose it if he cant have me.

 

There is more, but I wont bore you..This is the first I have gotten into detail about any part of it with anyone at all….I don’t know whats wrong with me, I keep rambling..…You both have been so kind to read and respond, I appreciate it immensely.. you have no idea…

 

Will respond to additional comments soon…

 

Thanks again…

[Morbid Shadow]

Whiskers:

 

You frightened of the fact that when all is said and done, when you have gotten away and set up somewhere and might have a chance at happiness, that you can't move on because he still has power. He not only has you living in fear but has you aware that for as long as he is alive, he will come after you and oneday he will make sure you can never leave him.

 

YES.

 

Are you asking how it's possible to get him out of your life, regain you pwer and freedom, without getting killed or have to see him in the process?

XXXX

 

YES

 

As he likes to say, "Are you sure you want to cut off communication with me? I might just pop up somewhere when you least expect it this is what has you wondering if running from him is going to help at all.

 

YES YES.....You are so right, Whiskers, that is exactly how I feel...I am starting to feel like nothing at all will help in the end...nothing...Like there is nowhere I could go, noone who will protect me, nothing I can do, eventually, he will get to me anyway...

[Morbid Shadow]

Aurian,

 

But keeping tabs on him is helping him keep tabs on you. If you drop out entirely, then he doesn`t have the opportunity to constanty reach out to you and cling to you. Many abusers say things to great effect, but don`t carry through (not all, but many).

 

I guess I never looked at it like that before, that I am aiding him in keeping tabs on me too....

 

For example, i was terrified to leave my ex because he threatened to kill me, kill my family and kill himself if I did so. He was violent and unpredictable enough that I believed him. I eventually left and "vanished". 2 years later, I am still alive (better than alive!), my family is healthy and he hasn`t killed himself (yet ).

 

It was just something he said to make me scared.

 

My counselor who was helping me through this said that many abusers told his clients similar things, but none to date have actually carried through. Nevertheless, you can still do things to make yourself feel safer - improve the security in your home and car, be more alert, make sure your roomates/neighbours/landlords know not to let someone with X description in.

 

I am proud of you, that you had the courage to escape him! Two years! How did you do it? I dont just mean the day by day, but the day of, how did you pull it off? Do you ever still get nervous that he has found you, and is just biding his time?

 

I have made people aware of him in the past, and they pushed me away. One company actually fired me the very next day, they told me it was due to not having enough funding to pay me, but I know better than that.

[Morbid Shadow]

And another thing, before I quit pestering...sorry...

 

I want to know why why WHY people have helped him and continue to help him get to me? Why do they do this for him? Some of these people are from all walks of life, not exactly the type of people who you would think would condone his plans...why do they help him? Cant they see how dangerous he is, or how dangerous he is capable of becoming????

 

That might end up being an entirely different thread though...just to warn everyone...then again, maybe not...

 

Seems like today I have been a lot more open than ever before, and thats kind of scary to me....Tomorrow, I will be back to normal though..

[Whiskers]

You can pester as much as you want, I don't mind listening and I want to help...it's good to get it out. Honestly...PM me if you want. I'll answer as soon as I can.

 

To some extent, he can manipulate everyone the same way he manipulated you. It's not hard for him to charm his way into other peoples lives, or find out what he wants from them if he uses the right words...playing on their pity. Who knows how he is approaching it...he could be claiming he's missing you so much, that he is so sorry, that he needs to find you to make it all up to you, hell he could be saying a million things but the truth is you know exactly how he can convince them - he spent so long doing it to you!

 

Now that you have gotten away and are able to see the abuse he put you through, you can see through the act but those he approaches, haven't got the insight you do. It's fightening when you can't trust people but given the situation, it's not their fault.

You've done absolutely right by getting away.

 

Do you have contact with anyone at all? Or are the people he's manipulating, people who you've worked with or lived round.

 

if you're in america - National Domestic Violence Association Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233).

 

In case you need it, there will be people there you can trust, people who will support you and offer advice on how to get out and be out...they can help you feel safe. I strongly suggest you reach out to those who've been where you are. Not only do they understand but will also have contacts and methods to know protect you and offer you the comfort you aren't getting. At least meet with them...or leave the country!

 

I can't believe you lost your job for notifying where you work, I am in England and I have seen a couple of these situations...most people are just on guard and ask alot of questions...surprisingly supportive.

 

I checked the sites (I feel slightly helpless...I want to help but I don't really think I can) they say that you should find support...if not from your family and close friends from those I suggested above.

 

Reach out

If there is anything i can do for you, say so.

XXXX

[Overburdened]

You will never get the answers you seek. There are ways to understand where the problems come from in his mind, but you can't change it or pry it open.

 

My husband wants to bury me because I left him for cheating on me. Something I will never understand...

[Aurian]

You`re not pestering. That is what these forums are for and what we`re here for. Ask away, rant away, and think out loud away!

 

I am proud of you, that you had the courage to escape him! Two years! How did you do it? I dont just mean the day by day, but the day of, how did you pull it off? Do you ever still get nervous that he has found you, and is just biding his time?

 

The day of? I was lucky in a way. He had already left my country in order to set things up and get me to immigrate to his home country (I shudder when I think of how much control over me he would have had then - me disabled, not speaking the language, not having a job and cut off from my friends and family!). Despite leaving, he was still able to control me emotionally and abuse me emotionally. Over time he kept pushing at me and degrading me, blaming me for being all these awful things, trying to break me. But instead of breaking ME, something else snapped, my heart broke and I realized everything was just a lie. He had threatened to kill me if I left, but I had to risk it now.

 

I told him that it was over, and that I was filing for divorce. By the end of the week, I gave him my lawyer's contact info, so if he had any issues, he could talk to my lawyer (this prevented him from contacting ME for "important" issues). He kept trying to contact me, so I cut off those avenues of contact one by one (changed email address, changed my name online, got him kicked off message boards, etc). Eventually he gave up.

 

I was frightened for some time, but I was able to lean on my family and counselor. I told my neighbours to keep an eye out for someone of his description. I beefed up the locks and security in my place. I got myself some mace and practiced my self-defense. Doing those things made me feel like I had power again. Of course, it doesn`t hurt that there are quite a few people who would love to throttle the guy if he ever shows up.

 

His threats of coming to find me and kill me, my family and himself were just hot air. They did work to keep me frightened and there for longer. I know he didn`t kill himself because he was pestering my former lawyer for something not too long ago (too bad

 

I have made people aware of him in the past, and they pushed me away. One company actually fired me the very next day, they told me it was due to not having enough funding to pay me, but I know better than that

 

I want to know why why WHY people have helped him and continue to help him get to me? Why do they do this for him? Some of these people are from all walks of life, not exactly the type of people who you would think would condone his plans...why do they help him? Cant they see how dangerous he is, or how dangerous he is capable of becoming????

 

Some of these people are very good at manipulating others, like Whiskers said. My ex could be very charming when he wanted to (worked in the customer service area and was quite popular with his customers), but when he dropped the mask, it only showed that he used them to get what he wanted. He actively disliked or even hated people he acted sweetly towards in order to get what he wanted.

 

I know some people on these forums had similar problems - their abusers were like paragons of society in public, and monsters at home.

 

I am amazed your work reacted so badly. Mine was really supportive (I was a mess of fear and emotions) and even gave me a lighter workload and counselling to help me through.

 

Morbid, it doesn`t matter that the guy seems good on the surface. Nobody thinks you`re wrong for wanting to be away from him if he frightens you and has unpredictable temper tantrums over stupid things. A person has the right to choose who he or she wants to be with, and if someone is being made too frightened to exercise that right, that is abuse.

 

I really recommend checking out this site sometime: link removed - one of the articles talks about a way to get the abuser to get bored of you and leave you. Might be worth a try, although in my case, I cut him off cold turkey and refused to respond back to him.