13 Things that are helping my healing

[TBE_1989]

Hey everyone,

 

Even though I’m only on day ten of my breakup, I feel that I’ve been doing relatively ok so far.

 

Because I anticipated my boyfriend breaking up with me for about a month before he actually did, I had lots of time to brace myself for the end and prepare a strategy for coping with the breakup in the best way possible, should it happen, which, unfortunately, it did.

 

I’m still faaaaar from perfect regarding the relationship ending, hell, it’s only been ten days! I still miss him greatly and I am still very much in the I-want-him-back-stage, however, I accept the relationship is over and am somewhat proud of how I’ve coped thus far.

 

I’ve been doing lots of simple little things to help me get over my ex in the best way possible, and deal with the breakup in the healthiest way possible.

I thought I’d share some of these tips I’ve discovered with you. Most of them are very obvious, yet some of them are highly specific to me and my situation, so I’m aware what I may write may not be helpful at all! However, there’s nothing wrong with trying to help others, especially when you’re trying to help yourself as well, right? So, here are just some of the things I’d recommend to those going through a breakup, particularly if you’re a teen like me!

 

The post is quite long, so to save you time in case you don’t want to read on, I’ll just list them quickly here. I elaborate on how each tip helped me as the post goes on.

 

(These are in no specific order or importance)

 

1. Spend as much time as possible with friends and family.

1.a) Tell people about the breakup.

2. Throw yourself into your hobbies.

2.a) Take up a new hobby.

3. Use this website.

4. Leave alcohol out of the equation.

5. GO N.C! (benefits of NC, reasons not to break NC, reasons not to visit their MySpace etc)

6. Spoil yourself!

7. Look for help if you need it.

8. Keep the gifts your ex gave you.

9. Make a list of what you won’t miss about them.

10. Make a list of what you’ve learned.

11. Don’t torture yourself.

12. Don’t expect to feel the same way, all the time.

13. Accept the importance of the breakup.

 

1.Spend as much time as possible with friends and family.

 

Probably the most obvious thing in the world, but the effect supportive friends and family can have when you’re going through a breakup cannot be underestimated. Within two hours of my ex leaving my house the night he broke up with me, I had seen two friends who listened to me cry, listened to me vent, gave me advice, and did their best to cheer me up. Five days after the breakup, I had seen seven friends, and they were a MASSIVE help. Even if your friends aren’t the best at giving advice or have never been through a breakup themselves, merely having someone around to distract you, chat to, and laugh with is a tremendous help in the aftermath of a breakup.

 

Five days after the breakup, I almost felt guilty because I felt... well...okay. I couldn’t figure it out. Why hadn’t I cried in 48 hours? Why was I not dwelling on memories? Why wasn’t I dwelling on the breakup itself? Why wasn’t I overcome with anger? Then I took a step back and realised that I had spent 90% of my waking hours over those five days with other people who cared about me. That was why I was feeling ok.

 

Many ‘’how to get over a breakup’’ tips are highly subjective to the individuals involved, and their circumstances. However, I don’t think anyone can deny that support from others is almost invariably necessary to feel a bit better about, and ultimately get over, a relationship ending. Just be wary not to do all your venting and crying to just one person. That’s pretty unfair.

 

1.a) Tell people about the breakup.

 

Obviously you’ll tell your close friends and close family members, but don’t be afraid to tell other people as well. That doesn’t mean walking down the street with an ‘’I’VE BEEN DUMPED!’’ tag around your neck, or crying to every person you see! It doesn’t even mean making it a point to tell everyone you meet. But if a workmate or an acquaintance, say, asks you how you are, don’t be afraid to say: ‘’Well, I’m okay, but X and I broke up’’. Of course, you won’t be able to tell EVERYONE, that would be impossible, but for your own sake, I think it’s beneficial to inform people you see on a regular basis of what happened.

 

I personally think this open approach is better than going to parties or family functions or whatever a few months down the line and getting upset because someone unwittingly asks how your partner is, and you have to go though the whole experience of rejection and relive the pain by telling the story again. It’s also mentally healthier, as, by telling people the relationship is over, it will help YOU acknowledge that the relationship is over.

 

Furthermore, you may discover surprising sources of support by being open about your breakup! Who’s to say that girl in your history class, or that guy in your office isn’t going through the same thing? Maybe that lady you meet on your dog walk has recently been through a divorce. Perhaps your neighbour is a really empathic and could really help you through this. You never know!

 

For example, regarding my situation, I was anxious about telling my uncle that my ex broke up with me. He never got the chance to meet him, although he always wanted to. I always used to tell my uncle how much they’d get on, my ex would always laugh when I told him my uncle’s jokes. I guess I would just be embarrassed and awkward telling him he ended it with me. Yet, he was really supportive, and was, and is, really helpful in a practical way in helping me through it.

 

I had a basketball game two days after my relationship ended. My uncle offered to drive me. By far the quickest way to get to the place from my house is to go through the town my ex lives in. My uncle drove 40 minutes out of the way, through another town to get me to the place where the game was on. He knew that driving by my ex’s house, seeing the areas where we used to hang out, driving by the spot where he first told me he loved me would be a bit too much just two days after the breakup.

 

Just an example of how helpful people can be, even those you wouldn’t think would be.

 

So don’t be afraid to tell people about your breakup, what’s the worst that could happen??

 

2.Throw yourself into your hobbies.

 

Again, another obvious one, but one that really helps. Your hobbies make you feel good, that’s why they’re your hobbies! Don’t be tempted to stay in and wile away your day doing nothing. Cry, rant, scream, hurt, hurt, and hurt some more, but set aside just a little time to get re-acquainted with your interests and hobbies. Chances are you lost some time on them during your relationship. Now’s the chance to fall in love with that sport, or that music, or that class, or that WHATEVER all over again!

 

In the short-term, getting involved in your interests and hobbies will distract you, and, in the case of exercise-related hobbies, release endorphins which will make you feel tons better, and, in the long-term, they can be a great place to meet new friends or new more-than-friends!

 

Like friends and family, the importance of hobbies cannot be underestimated!

 

2.a)

 

If you run the risk of running into your ex while pursuing your interests, or even if your interests merely remind you of your ex, try something new! There’s always something new and cool you’d like to try out there, particularly if you live in a big city. Look for anything that can keep you occupied regularly and enhance your self-esteem.

 

3.Use this website.

 

No, this isn’t me looking for brownie points!

 

Enotalone has been indispensible to me, and I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am without it. I posted a thread a while ago wondering how I’d deal with my breakup while I was on holiday in a rural area, away from my friends, away from many valuable distractions. I missed (and will continue to miss, once I go back there tomorrow) this site almost as much as my friends.

 

Taking solace in the fact that there are thousands of people in the world going through what you are going though is not selfish or sadistic; it is a great comfort for all concerned. Knowing that many of these people are just a click away online is an even better comfort. The advice on this website is amazing. Also, giving advice to others is a wonderful thing to do, and can be very cathartic. Even writing this post has made me feel so much better.

 

4.Leave alcohol out of the equation.

 

A lot of people drink alcohol to escape problems. This, in my experience, does not work.

 

Alcohol is a mood enhancer. That is why it is such a double-edged sword. Some of the best fun I’ve ever had has been when I’ve been really happy, and subsequently had a few drinks, which, in turn, made me happier. Likewise, some of the worst times I’ve ever spent have come when I’ve had a bad day, and had a drink, which, in turn, made me feel worse.

 

Within two hours of my ex leaving my house the night he broke up with me, I was in a friend’s house. I cried for three hours straight, but thanks to her listening, her comforting me, and her cheering me up, I gradually began to feel a bit better, and stopped crying. Some of the things she said really helped me think clearly and made me realise this breakup was for the best. I then decided to have a drink – a mere Bacardi Breezer (!!!) – and within twenty minutes, I was crying again, filled with confusion and angst once more.

 

Now, of course, this could have been a coincidence. However, drinking when you’re already upset, stressed and confused (or even if you temporarily feel better, like I did) will probably make you more upset, stressed and confused, if not during the drinking, then during the hangover the next day! I personally don’t think it’s worth it.

 

Plus, a lot of the urges we all get in the aftermath of a breakup (''Should I text him/her? '', ''His/her friend is over there, should I ask them how my ex is doing?’’ ‘’Ooh, that guy/girl is flirting with me, should I go home with them?'') are intensified when alcohol is involved. How many NC pacts are broken due to one party being drunk? How many rebound flings are initiated because of alcohol? Too many, IMO! That’s why I’m probably going to avoid alcohol completely for the rest of the summer, and only even contemplate drinking more than I should when my birthday comes, which is far away in September.

 

5.The big one – GO NC!!!!

 

A lot of people doubt if NC works in the long run. Heck, I’m not sure if it’ll work for me in the long run. Eventually, when I have dealt with this breakup and gotten over him, I’ll probably want to hang out again, and obviously, that will involve contact! However, I don’t think many people doubt that for the first few weeks/months, NC is vital.

 

I know that if I had been hearing from my ex the past ten days, I would be put on a step back each time he contacted me. Even just a quick ''hey, what’s up'' text, or one of those ''group''texts he sends to his entire phonebook would really mess up my head. I attribute my current ''okay-ness'' with this breakup to a lot of things, but none more so than the lack of contact I’ve had with him.

 

To have really effective NC, I think you need to extend beyond the no direct contact rule.

 

If you have a mutual friend, politely ask the friend not to talk about your ex when they are with you. Same with anyone who is close to both of you, or anyone who could give you trivial updates on what your ex is doing.

 

Block their personal pages (Facebook etc) from your browser. Here’s one for Firefox: link removed

If you can get a site-blocker with a password, even better. * (Post them here if you find one!) Type in gobbledegook for the password so you’ll never be able to access the page again, or, if that’s too drastic, get someone else to think of a password for you. You may think blocking their page is unnecessary, but these social networking sites create sooo many problems it’s unbelievable.

 

I had a lapse and went onto my ex’s MySpace last week. All that had changed was the inevitable relationship status and the paragraph dedicated to me in his about me section was gone. There were no pictures of him hooking up with new girls, no dodgy comments that upset me, no rants, no nothing. Yet, I still got upset. My hands were shaking as I clicked the link, my heart pounding as I searched the page. Sound familiar?

 

I figured that, if I got that upset after viewing his page with nothing hurtful on it, how would I feel if I went onto it and saw something I REALLY didn’t want to see? I asked myself, ''what could I possibly gain from going on his page?'' Ask yourselves this, as I know many people struggle with the temptation of checking up on their exes online.

 

I kept thinking and asking myself: If there are comments from other girls, or pictures with other girls, do I really, genuinely want to see them? If he gets a new haircut or makes a new friend, do I really care? Is that actually going to help me get over him? Is there any chance of going onto his page and seeing anything that’s actually going to make me smile, the way I’m feeling right now? Even if his page stays unchanged, will it actually do me any good seeing it? The answer to all was a resounding NO. And thereforeee I blocked his page! Only bad things can come of viewing it, the way I’m feeling atm.

 

If you get urges to contact your ex, try sit down for a moment and think out the process of contacting them. I know that urge, by definition, defies logic and taking time out, but, even for five seconds, think of what you are about to do.

 

Say you want to text them. Think of reaching for your phone, opening the new message dialog. Think of what you are going to say – is it really important??? Imagine typing the message. How will you sign off? With a ''Xx''? With a ''take care''? With a ''see you soon''? Imagine pondering over this. Picture yourself typing in the number, with jittery hands. Think of pressing ''Send''. Try to imagine how you’ll feel after sending it. You wait for the delivery report, half hoping it doesn’t arrive, getting excited when it does.

 

Imagine being in limbo for god knows how long, waiting for a reply. Going back to your phone, checking it. Asking other people to text you, just to make sure nothing’s wrong with your phone and making sure you can receive messages. What if they don’t reply? What happens? How do you feel? How do they feel about you because they didn’t reply? How much worry goes into analysing the reasons they didn’t reply?

 

And what if they do reply? What if it’s not the reply you’ve been hoping for? Their reply doesn’t contain the words ''Let’s get back together'' or ''I miss you'', and, so, you freak out, bringing up even more hurt and resentment.

 

Don’t be a masochist! Why would you want to put yourself through this? N.C is popular for a reason. Hard as it can be, is usually less hard than going through the above. It brings with it clarity and peace of mind, and greatly speeds up the getting-over-them-process.

 

Unless there are kids involved or something, there is usually no great reason to contact your ex – while you are still hurting. However, you’ll probably try to create reasons: ''It’s their birthday'' (if it’s their birthday, lots of people will be sending happy birthday texts),''it’s their mother’s friend’s son’s birthday, I MUST TEXT THEM!!'', ''I have a teeny piece of news they just might give a crap about, I’m going to e-mail'' , ''I saw something they might like in a store, I must call immediately!!!'' etc, etc, etc. Are these really valid reasons to put yourself through the above?

 

Subconsciously, I think we contact our exes hoping that, via a ''happy birthday''or ''good luck'' text/email they will miraculously want to get back together with us. One text/email/phonecall isn’t going to change anything. And, chances are, if your ex broke up with you, and if reconciliation is a possibility, they will probably be the ones to initiate the reconciliation. Of course, there are exceptions, but I think that’s usually the case. If you constantly contact them, they will get irritated and the chances of them not wanting to have anything to do with you for a long time can get very high, very quickly..

 

Stick with N.C. It does work.

 

6.Spoil yourself!

 

Breakups are a difficult time, as none of us need reminding! And, while it’s important to not lose sight of your long-term goals or aspirations just because a relationship ended, it’s equally important to try and help yourself along the way and do little things that may make you feel slightly better. Treat yourself to lunches or dinners out, especially with friends. Spend a little more than you usually save for a month or two. Get the hairdo you’ve wanted for months. Prop yourself up in front of some DVDs with ice-cream and chocolate. Say there’s a decent pair of shoes in your favourite shop for $30, but the pair you REALLY want are $45. Get the pair you really want! (provided it is within your limits, of course, I’m not encouraging irresponsibility here!) (I know all the examples given are very girly, but you know where I’m coming from!)

 

Never spoil yourself in a self-destructive way (eg: excess alcohol, drugs) but don’t feel guilty about pampering yourself. Again, a personal example if you will: Before my relationship ended, I planned to accomplish two things over the summer : Lose a bit of weight, and reduce the number of cigarettes I smoke on a daily basis from five to two. I don’t reallyneed to lose weight, and five cigarettes a day isn’t too bad, however, I was adamant that once my exams were over, I’d put all my energy into accomplishing these things. But, now, after what happened, if I’m too tired to go to the gym, or too weak to resist that bar of chocolate, or too stressed and upset over the breakup to have avoid having that fifth smoke, then I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Love yourself!

 

7.Look for help, if you need it.

 

Counselling, therapy, anti-depressants can, for some, be necessary to avoid mental health problems following a breakup. Don’t be afraid to look for these and avail of them - if you feel you need them. Thankfully, my breakup wasn’t traumatic enough for me to seek help in this form, however constant treatment for generalised stress via acupuncture has been invaluable in keeping me calm. Bach Flower Remedies and Kalms have really helped in keeping my head clear. There are so many options (everything from anti-depressants to self-help books) out there now for mental health, make use of them. Forget the stigma, you need to look after yourself; you owe it to yourself to be as happy as you can be. So why not take all the help you can get?

 

8.Keep the presents your ex gave you.

 

I know, I know. You want to smash the photograph frame, burn the locket, stamp on the big love heart, tear up the letters. Please don’t. Stack them away in a box, in a closet you rarely use, but don’t destroy them. You will regret it if you get rid of them. Someday, when you’ve healed, and when you’re having a bad day, you’ll want a reminder of the time you spent together. You’ll want to have something to remember your ex by, something to help you recall the good things about the relationship. Something to put a smile on your face ten, twenty, fifty years down the line.

 

That’s the sentimental view. The practical view is that you may need or want to use the presents your ex got you at some point! My ex got me lots of DVDs and CDs during our time together. Yes, right now, I can’t even look at their boxes without crying, but I know that in a few months, or a year, or two, I’ll want to listen to that CD, or watch that DVD! So I resisted the urge to throw them away, and even though my friend had to physically hold me back from throwing the sentimental gifts he got me away, even just ten days on, I’m glad I kept them.

9.Make a list of what you won’t miss about them.

 

This is not the same as making a list of what you DON’T LIKE about them. Personally, I don’t think that helps. It harbours resentment and makes being friends difficult. But making a list, even a mental list, of things you won’t miss about being in a relationship with them, or being in a relationship in general, can be quite therapeutic. Eg: ''I won’t miss waiting around for phonecalls'', ''I won’t miss travel expenses'', ''I won’t miss his moods'', ‘’I won’t miss pregnancy scares!!'' can not only help you see the good sides of the relationship being over, but prevent you getting into a rebound relationship and help you enjoy your time being single!

 

10.Make a list of what you’ve learned.

 

I’m going to do this, and post it in the journal section of this website. Making a list of what you’ve learned from the relationship will help you realise that everything happens for a reason, and will also hopefully help you in your future relationships. Also, it’ll help you appreciate your ex, as they probably, consciously or otherwise, taught you things about yourself and relationships in general.

 

11. Don’t torture yourself!

 

As I said regarding the NC thing, don’t be a masochist. If you know certain songs, places, pictures are going to send you into floods of tears or rages, then, avoid them. I know this is a highly personal tip, and some people find it beneficial to cry to songs or whatever, but I believe this is just a form of denial and prolongs the pain. Breakups are awful as is, why make them worse for yourself?

 

Like the hobbies and the pampering yourself – do what makes you feel good!!

 

12.Don’t expect to feel the same way, all the time.

Emotions are not constant. If they were, no relationship would ever end! Emotions are especially not constant during times of stress and upset. While I was howling crying and vomiting for hours after my ex broke up with me, I foolishly believed I would be like that forever. Likewise, after a few days, when I actually became quite content, thanks to my friends, I – equally foolishly – thought I would never cry over him again, and the feelings of heartbreak would never resurface.

 

Unless you were COMPLETELY happy about the breakup, or, conversely, COMPLETELY shocked and traumatised by it, chances are you will go up and down. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Some days you’ll be fine, other days you’ll cry for hours. Some days you’ll wake up in a good mood, and ''crash'' late in the evening, or vice versa. Sometimes you’ll only focus on the bad things in the relationship, and feel relieved it’s over. Other times you’ll only remember the good times and feel sick to your stomach with missing them. Sometimes you’ll see something that’ll remind you of your ex and cry, other times you’ll smile, other times you’ll get angry.

 

In the last ten days, I’ve felt many things. Despair, depression, wistfulness, relief, contentment, optimism, pessimism, regret, acceptance, guilt, anger, liberation, self-hatred, self-respect, fear, emotional frustration, sexual frustration, nostalgia, anxiety, cravings for romantic moments, happiness, sadness, confusion, betrayal. Sometimes I’ve felt all these things at the same time!!! However, I’ve learned, through this site and from folks older and wiser than me, that this is okay, and quite normal.

 

13. Don’t overestimate how important this breakup is.

 

It doesn’t matter if your relationship wasn’t uber-serious, or if it didn’t last very long. What matters is how you feel about it. One of the more heart-warming aspects to modern society is that people generally accept the significance of a romantic relationship ending, and are usually very supportive. A friend of my family is recently widowed, and she told me, when my little teenage romance ended, that a breakup is ''like a death''. This comes from a woman whose husband died less than a year ago. A relationship ending signifies the end of an era, an end of a chapter of your life. It does NOT signify the end of your life, or the end of the good times in your life. However, it does bring closure to a certain period in your life, and if that closure was not expected, or not wanted, it’s understandable to feel lonely, anxious, hopeless, depressed. Don’t attempt to play down how the breakup is making you feel.

 

However, just as it is important not to beat yourself up when your moods go crazy, or feel stupid when you get depressed over the breakup, it is equally important not to feel guilty once you eventually get over the split. You may heal sooner than you think. This, again, is ok!! Someday you’ll be going about your day, in a good mood, not thinking about the breakup, and subconsciously waiting for the mood comedown...and it won’t happen!

 

There WILL be a day when you will no longer have the urge to contact them. There WILL be a day when you can go onto a social networking site and not have the desire to stalk their page. There WILL be a day when you’ll hear they are seeing somebody and you’ll smile, because you are genuinely happy for them. There WILL be a day when you hear they’ve had a one-night-stand (preferably not at the same time they are seeing someone and you’ll just laugh and roll your eyes instead of crying furiously. There WILL be a day when you can meet up with them for lunch and not feel anxious. There WILL be a day when you can see pictures of them and not feel your emotions getting out of control.

 

I’m far, far, FAR away from that stage, but I am hopeful that it will come. And if I can make that stage, so can you.

 

Whew. Sorry for the length of this!

 

Again, I reiterate that these are things that helped ME. They are MY opinion, and I am aware they may not be helpful for you. I found it helpful not to drink alcohol; you may find a couple drinks really relaxing. I really liked writing a list of what I had learned, maybe this will upset you. I thought it was important to keep gifts, you may think otherwise. These tips are not set in stone. They are not coming from a psychologist, or someone with vast relationship experience. They are not coming from someone who’s been through a divorce, or someone who has kids with the person they just separated from. They are coming from a teenage girl whose loving boyfriend ended it with her because he couldn’t commit. Bear this in mind! At the same time, however, I hope some, if not all, of these little pointers can help you in some little way. That’s why I made this post!

[tushboy]

Fantastic post.....you've really made some amazing points for all of us....I really agree with the part where you've spoken about not expecting to feel the same way all the time....we need to go easy on ourselves and not punish or get hard everytime we break NC or do somethin wrong....each day is a baby step towards healing.

[coolbloke1978]

Extremely well written and inspiring. Well done. I've saved it in my favourites. Go you.

[333]

wow, seriously, a wonderful post!!! i wish i could have used it during my breakup.. it would have made things a heck of a lot easier...

[DeviousDevil]

1. Spend as much time as possible with friends and family.

1.a) Tell people about the breakup.

2. Throw yourself into your hobbies.

2.a) Take up a new hobby.

3. Use this website.

4. Leave alcohol out of the equation.

5. GO N.C! (benefits of NC, reasons not to break NC, reasons not to visit their MySpace etc)

6. Spoil yourself!

7. Look for help if you need it.

8. Keep the gifts your ex gave you.

9. Make a list of what you won’t miss about them.

10. Make a list of what you’ve learned.

11. Don’t torture yourself.

12. Don’t expect to feel the same way, all the time.

13. Accept the importance of the breakup.

 

It is interesting that all 13 are things I've done since my fiance ended things and whilst not totally healed, I'm doing far better than I ever accepted.

 

If you're on facebook, getting blocked or blocking them is the best option.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Great post! I definitely use all of these methods and they work.

[TBE_1989]

Thanks to everybody for the replies I'm so so happy that you find my ideas helpful, I was really nervous about posting this so I'm delighted they are appreciated.

 

 

 

I personally think it's better to just block them from your browser. That way, you can't contact them, but they think you can. It saves them hurt and the drama that often ensues from the whole issue of blocking or deleting them from your friends list.

[purplekangaroo]

Hi, TBE~

 

First of all, did you know that your initials (I'm assuming those are your initials ...) are the name of a popular electrophoresis buffer?

 

And you were born in 1989?! I know you said you are a teenager.

 

I basically am replying to your post to give you a confidence booster, though you seem to be doing great. When I read this post, I thought you were a lot older! I'm not a wise, old sage (26 this weekend), but I definitely wouldn't have expected such a mature list from a teenager. I couldn't have done it, back in the day. Go, you.

 

~PK

[TBE_1989]

Hi, TBE~

 

First of all, did you know that your initials (I'm assuming those are your initials ...) are the name of a popular electrophoresis buffer?

 

And you were born in 1989?! I know you said you are a teenager.

 

I basically am replying to your post to give you a confidence booster, though you seem to be doing great. When I read this post, I thought you were a lot older! I'm not a wise, old sage (26 this weekend), but I definitely wouldn't have expected such a mature list from a teenager. I couldn't have done it, back in the day. Go, you.

 

~PK

 

Wow, thanks for the compliment I'm so glad people are finding this post helpful.

 

No I didn't know about what TBE stood for! They're not my initials, merely the initials of a song I was listening to when I was thinking of a username, but, still, you learn something new every day!

[mfurb33]

I'm well on my way to healing, but I still love to read posts and give advice where I can. What an excellent post that a lot of people will find beneficial. You nailed the MySpace/Facebook thing...(hands trembling..lol!) I think the #1 worst enemy of my healing was that stupid MySpace. I really don't think people think it's that big of a deal, checking in on their ex's sites, but man is it a HUGE setback. Even if you don't find anything bad on it, you're still "connecting" in some way, and that's not good (or "real")!

 

Nice job!

[kelvor]

Thank you for this post. It has been very helpful to me.

[Langeveldt]

Fantastic post.. Really inspiring..

 

The only one I'm having trouble with is the Facebook closure.. It's the final step as we rarely contact each other at the moment, and deleting that would lose her forever.. Not something I'm prepared to do.. I know she's got a boyfriend and I know she's as attractive as ever, because she lives down the road, so seeing her photos or not isn't going to change anything..

[TBE_1989]

Fantastic post.. Really inspiring..

 

The only one I'm having trouble with is the Facebook closure.. It's the final step as we rarely contact each other at the moment, and deleting that would lose her forever.. Not something I'm prepared to do.. I know she's got a boyfriend and I know she's as attractive as ever, because she lives down the road, so seeing her photos or not isn't going to change anything..

 

I know what you mean, another example of how I stressed that everything I wrote in this thread was just my opinion and experience of things. Everyone's situation is different.

 

Again, thanks to everyone for the feedback.

 

LOL, right now I feel PMS is un-doing all the good steps I've taken to getting over him so far](*,)](*,)

[Sev]

Great post and a bump for it too! Think this will help me! Im on the rollacoster at the moment,just hope i stop at the top! lol

[TBE_1989]

Thanks!

 

I hope you'll stay at the top, too.

[relm]

Great post TBE, and also you are a really excellent writer. You should turn this into a book. One quesiton - what if "2.Throw yourself into your hobbies." makes you feel bad because it reminds you of your x? Because we used to do these things and now I get depressed doing the things I used to enjoy. You are wise beyond your years.

[journeynow]

Excellent advice TBE_1989. Thanks!

[dnm72]

What a hugely inciteful post. All your points and thoughts I too have felt and can totally empathise. This site was recommended to me by one of my good friends who was involved in the early stages of my grief. So this is my first post.

 

Where do I start? Well I have been recently devastated. It's been almost exactly a month since the day of 'the news'. I've been a bit battered so if you can be bothered to read this, it will be appreciated.

 

I'll start with some background. I'm a 36yr old doctor with, what my friends and family say, have huge amounts going for me, and have had 3 long term relationships lasting between 4 and 6 years with the inevitable 'phases' in between. With my previous ex, I was engaged early on, she was unfaithful and broke it up. I started seeing someone else but she later wanted to get back together as her new love didn't work out. I went back to her after deciding to leave the City and move elsewhere for my job. She moved in for about 3 years as a girlfriend but this relationship deteriorated and she cheated on other occassions and later left. 4 years later (Summer last year) I am in court as my girlfriend is taking me to the cleaners for equity in my house. She is awarded a lot of money and I am left with massive court costs.

This cloud overhang my most recent relationship, the one that has left me emotionally destroyed.

 

I met R in August 2005 and we just clicked and we both knew that this was special. I felt incredibly lucky. She was only 6 weeks out of a break-up; she was married and had found out her husband was having an affair before the marriage and during. He broke up with her and she was distraught. When we met, R's friends and family thought she had landed on her feet with me in every way and saw her second chance. We were in different cities at first so seeing each other at weekends allowed time and space for her to keep healing whilst at the same time not 'missing the opportunity' because 'it wasn't the right time'. Things progressed well and we both wanted to travel and work in NZ. We decided to continue our plans and enabled each other to make it a reality. Over the next year/18 months we travelled a lot on holiday and shared such a lot. In May 2007 we went together for a year. It was the best year of our lives and we got married in the Cook Islands with our close family before returning to the UK.

On return we had my ex's court case (her divorce came through uncomplicated after only a few months in 2006), we had major job decisions to make and chose a location near her family and I made a job compromise as we wanted to start a family, my new wifes sister split with her husband of 4 years for another woman and R's family are devastated by the news of another divorce for another daughter. But they were happy that we were now happy together.

Things are stressful over the coming months with all the change and R is not happy in the area. A month ago I find out she is having an affair with a 26yr old (she is nearly 31) from her old home town (she started getting re-acquainted with him on Facebook !!!). This 'relationship' had been going on for 3 months culminating in R lying about courses she was going on and friends she was 'visiting' when all the while she was seeing someone else. We'd had talks about her unhappiness and she denied being involved with anyone (in any kind of way). This news was awful but still I wanted to forgive her. But it seemed she did not want to given him up. Then more revelations: she had a one night stand last November with a friends neighbour (the first act of adultery after only 5 months after the marriage). She was unfaithful on a 6week trip to S America, just prior to us leaving for NZ. She had slept with 3 other people during our courtship and kissed about 2 others, not least one bloke before she went off to see this new man!

I have since found out that she was also not whiter than white in her first marriage: she also had an 'affair' before her first marriage and towards the end with 'episodes' during.

Whilst we were in NZ, she said she was 100% faithful and thought that these urges had gone. The irony is, is that she actually is a hugely warm, caring, intelligent and thoughtful person (being a physiotherapist). She became the daughter-in-law my parents wanted and I the son-in-law her parents wanted. But she has this dark side, one that seems to stem from a low-self esteem and the desire to feel attractive to other men given her rather flirtacious personality which is part of her attraction. But you can't keep crossing the line.

So...she has thrown away everything. She had everything with me from all the love and devotion one man can give a woman and the promise of an amazing future together. She has also devastated family and many close friends by her 'out of character' behaviour. Everyone who knows R has been utterly 'shocked' by her deceitfulnes and deception.

 

A month down the line, she is still texting intermittently though less frequently, we are trying to be friends (we are still married!) and I have forgiven her. To her 'credit' she stayed with me for 3 days solid after the news was out to talk it all through: shout, cry, hug, comfort. We hardly ate anything. She still wonders if this was the right thing to do and knows she has a problem given her history. She is going to get counselling but is continuing this new relationship and leaving the area totally to be with him at the expense of her family and close friends. This is a recipe for disaster and I don't want to see her fall as I still love her and care for her so much. I don't want her to feel worthless.

 

This is hard for me. We are married and when I spoke my vows i gave my heart and soul to her for life. When we broke up I realised not only how forgiving I was prepared to be but also what real love I had for her.

 

Sorry I can't believe I'm still typing so I'll stop...but this alone has been some therapy! I wish we could sort this out.

 

DM

[ScorpiGal83]

Yup, all this stuff really did help me, especially accepting the fact that it was for the best. It's been over 3 weeks since the breakup and day 20 of NC and I think I'm over my 3-year-relationship, with the man i loved more than anyone.

 

yeah... it wasn't easy but, easier than I anticipated.

[canali]

but don't also forget to GO INSIDE and TO LISTEN to yourself and TO LEARN about what you did or didn't do, too....too many people wish to fill in the ''void'' but it is in that ''void'' that alot of answers can also come...so just to be clear I am NOT negating your great post: just to have balance: down time for reflection/meditation etc to go in side is also equally important

[hesnotworthit]

Wow, thanks so much for sharing! Just reading it has lifted my spirits, i think ive done most of ur steps, but have skipped a few, and this could be the reason, im probally only 80% over him, and the reason i still get down every coupple of days...so im going to write that list you said to write about what i wont miss and hopefully it will help me go that extra mile.

Im dumbfounded by the wisdom you have shared with us, in only going through 10 days since the breakup, this breakup has clearly been a positive learning curve for you, and im sure it helps you feel that little bit better in helping others now also.

So thank you And i wish you all the luck in moving on to bigger and better things then your ex

[derekcanmexit]

Great thread and advice TBE 1989! I'm sure since you wrote your initial post over a year ago, you are feeling much better.

 

dnm72, I just read your post and couldn't help but feel sympathetic to your situation. I hope you posted it in a separate thread to get the feedback you deserve. Hope you are feeling better as each day passes.