Scared of getting over it

[SchecterGuy]

It is kind of weird but deep in me I am scared to get over my breakup. Kind of like the old saying if it wasn't for bad luck there would be no luck at all. I don't see myself getting happy even if I get over this. I just see myself as becoming an emotional void to escape. And even though the breakup was 60/40 me, there is a strong sense of rejection with moving on. During the relationship I was always the stronger one and she was always more dependent on me and I had more of an impact on her life then probably any person in her life up to now. This leaves me very confused. I get a false sense of security that since I was always the stronger one if I can't get over it means she can't. It makes me worry about how replacable I am in the future. I know it is a bad way to think, but I can't help to feel additional rejection.

[SchecterGuy]

There are basically a few things. I think I cannot be happy perse without her. More just I will go into a state of a bunch of defense mechanisms and purge myself of all emotion just to feel better. That sounds even worse than being sad. Second since I was always the stronger one and I did so much to help her improve her life I feel that if I have no way to get over it then she doesn't. Because of this her getting over me feels like a massive rejection. Since I was the stronger one if I don't get over it then in a weird way it gives me hope that she won't. It gives me a false sense of hope I know, but it gives me hope nonetheless. And going back to how dependent she was, I feel if I am with someone less dependent than I am very easily replacable by them. I don't try to keep myself down, but it sticks in the back of my mind and just keeps me down.

[msfoolish]

I've read both post here Sketch and still dont understand. can you give us some more background about the break up and your relationship plz. Did you ens it? Do you want her back or still love her or do you not want her to ge over you? Sorry if this sounds weird but i dont get what you mean.

[Leezon]

I think what hes saying is that maybe she isnt over him and that gives him a glimmer of hope that she still wants him?

[greywolf]

And going back to how dependent she was, I feel if I am with someone less dependent than I am very easily replacable by them.

 

Are you sure you were the stronger one? Or did you only feel strong because she was dependent on you? Honestly, to me it sounds like if she was a very secure person you could have turned clingy and needy.

[SchecterGuy]

Background:

Before college she was not very independent. She was basically completely taken care. Not in the financial sense since her family was poor, but she never made decisions for herself and people did stuff for her. She was very close to her best friend, mom, and even though she fought with them, her sisters. When she went to college she fell into a deep depression. She would sleep 12 hours a day. Not go to class, etc. Then she met me first semester of sophmore year. She first blamed the depression on not liking her major. So she changed it to math for a quarter. That didn't work so she went back to accounting. Junior year she seemed to be a little better. She had her moments, but she was sleeping normally, going to class, and generally her mood stayed more stable than before. Then first senior year came and she relapsed. She was not dangerously depressed like before, but she seemed to have no life in her. At the end of the year she broke up with me for a week. She actually blamed the depression on living with a roomate. Final year she went back to being on the up and up. More stable mood even though she had a few short bouts here and there. Then we graduated. Even though she was majorly in debt she decided she wanted to live without a roomate. Bad idea in the Silicon Valley. That lasted for a year until it became too much and she moved in with me and my roomates. Also around that time both of her sisters and her best friend moved back home. She became home sick. The room we stayed in at my place was small and my roomate is a little crazy and nags everyone ridiculously. I stayed there because rent was dirt cheap and frankly he was my friend. She fell into another depression and said if we moved out she would get better. She basically said move out or she is going back home. I was not so sure of this since she never truly gave the impression that the depression wasn't inherent and I was worried that moving out would not be enough to cover the separation anxiety. I was worried moving out would not help and I would be screwed. Also my fear of commitement did not help. Well she moved back home (200 miles away).

 

In the time with starting grad school I realized it would have been better to have a commitment than find something new. I also realized that I do not the mold of a silicon valley resident (I am not asian, I like heavy metal, I am not super driven by work, and I tend to be a kid at heart) and that she was a better fit for me than any girl I would meet. I tend to be a very patient guy, but without her and the stress of school I realized the hostile environment my roomate caused. Before it would just roll off my back. This took about 6 months. I talked to her to see her state of mind. She seemed to be in good spirits. This gave me a good feeling. I asked her if she could maintain if we reconciled and got our own place. At first she said she could do it and it sounded liek a good idea. A month later she got a job and started going out more. With this she was not so sure about moving back and then she flat out said no. The last thing we ever said to each other was I love you (about two weeks ago).

 

Now you can see how I was always the strong one. One time when we were going through the reconciliation process she said there were a few times when she was feeling down for reasons unrelated to us at home and she wished I was there because I always made her happy when she was sad. With that said, since I was always the strong one if I feel sad it gives me hope that she could not let go because she was the dependent one and needed me more. My screwed up logic is if I am sad then she has to be sad. At first I thought I could easily replace her and it would just be another step in life. Then I realized she was truly one of a kind and nearly impossible to replace. She was very much like me and where she wasn't she was very accepting of me. Very rare in this area of extreme ethnocentrism and judgementalism.

[SchecterGuy]

Are you sure you were the stronger one? Or did you only feel strong because she was dependent on you? Honestly, to me it sounds like if she was a very secure person you could have turned clingy and needy.

I had two relationships before her and I was never clingy or needy. As a matter of fact at first she was extremely clingy and I told her she needed to give me space.

 

When I say strong I mean like I take the stresses of life in stride. I have no problem making sacrifices in my life and I deal well with adversity. She was not so good at doing that. At the same time the person that I met and the pseron that I left were very different. As bad as it was when she left, she was much stronger than when we first met. She come a long way in taking care of herself. She said I gave her a level of confidence she had never experienced in her life. That is why I say I had such a big impact on her life.