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did I say too much about myself? to make her walk away?


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I met my online contact this weekend. We had met once some two months ago (we live in different cities), and after she spent several weeks abroad for work - we finally got the chance to meet again.


The unusual thing is, that in the time apart we grew close first over texts, then flirtation and then at times what could be called "text sex". She had from the start said that she has almost never let men in close to her, but feels that she can make an exception with me, because in her eyes I am unusually understanding and willing to take things slow as she wants.


This weekend, we had dinner on Saturday night, greeting each other with a great big hug and a spontaneous kiss on the lips. The dinner conversation lasted 4-5 hours, and at the end of the night she initiated a goodbye kiss as well. We had talked about many things, both light and serious ...


The following day she says that her feelings took a turn for the worse and that when I had said to her the previous night that I too had fears of in any new relationship and liked to take things gently .... this had affected her. I had said that in the same way that her fear was of men never appreciating her for the personality she is, mine would be of women walking away from a relationship without even trying to make it work, because my belief I said, was that all relationships need work at some point.


This, she said, had provoked a response in her to not move forward ...while I tried to make clear that I acknowledge the risk of things not working in any relationship, and started things with her fully aware of this ... I do not know whether she was convinced.


I feel as though I shot myself in the foot by disclosing a human fear, which after all, was not much worse than her own fears because of which she says she has never, ever let men close to her.



I would appreciate any words of support that you can give. I feel as though I let myself down badly after building up a level of trust for two months ... I undid it by what some of you may think is too much talk. Please believe me when I say that it was the nature of our discussion that got serious as the night wore on, and that she said many serious things too.


Back at my home, I have not been able to eat for what is now nearly 24 hrs. I have alternated between feeling deep loss that a good thing that could have grown has now been lost, to feeling a numbness that if this woman is so hypersensitive as to be put off so easily, there was never much potential for a relationship anyway. Please help me.

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I think what happened here is that you have developed a connection with a girl that you know very little about, save for a lot of text messages. It's easy to say what someone wants to hear in text or even over the phone. It's a much different thing to actually feel these things or act like you mean them. This girl was saying things you wanted to hear but never really developed the connection you started to develop. That only happens by spending time with each other. She gave you a serious red flag by telling you that she never lets anyone get close to her. You should have immediately started guarding your emotions right there, you were certainly headed for disaster. You built up this idealized version of her in your head based on all her talk and you are convinced emotionally that she's the greatest girl you've met, which she may be but she's also troubled and unavailable. The best thing you can do for yourself is no longer contact her in any way.

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I agree with the above except for the unattractive part. I don't think she would have stayed out at dinner for 5 hours and then kissed you when you left. Maybe this isn't a god part in her life for a relationship and she was just looking for a way to push herself away.


Go out there and get another date with someone else.

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