I hate waking up, sleep is my only relief

[Anotherday]

I don't know where to put this, but I guess given how I'm living, or not, I'll put it here. I just woke up 15 minutes ago and wish I could still be sleeping. It's the only relief I have in life. I have dreams that I'm with people and of this one person I used to love or of even some anonymous man who loves me and of beautiful places - then I wake up to the disaster that is my existence. I wake up wondering how I ended up in this spot and I've no idea how to change things at this point. I feel hopeless for the future and I think of just giving up and drinking wine to blot the pain, if only for another day. No, I actually do that. It works while I do it, but of course then I wake up and it's just another day. Part of me just feels like giving up completely, but there's still enough left inside for me to reach out - at least on this board.

 

Five years ago I had a life. I had a good job, I had friends, I lived in a beautiful place. Life wasn't the struggle that it is now. It was a challenge. I had no problem making friends. I walked away from it, moved to another state and five years later I have no job, no friends, and I spend my days doing the same thing over and over in this house that never gets cleaned. When I first came here I bought a beautiful home but would wake up in the morning asking myself what I was doing. I drempt for months on end about my former life. I slid into this massive mid-life crisis and I'm still there and cannot get out. If I had it my way, I'd take sleeping pills around the clock to not wake up. Actually, I have done this to an extent and I like mixing them with alcohol. I tell myself that I would never kill myself, but I do know that I could be an accidental overdose if I'm not careful. I absolutely detest this town I moved to and houses here are not selling. Even if they were, where would I go at my age? I almost moved back to my former city in 2006, but I was with this abusive guy and he changed my mind, after I'd quit my job. He's not in my life anymore. I do volunteer here one day a week but I haven't worked in two years almost. There's nothing to do here that is any fun, except for going to this one Asian supermarket. I moved from the most beautiful city in the country to a desert with no water, and being around water is one of the few things I do enjoy doing. I feel trapped and I don't know how to escape. I have no place to go to. I've been on antidepressants for years, have seen countless therapists over the years and nothing seems to help. I see both a shrink and a therapist here and nothing is changing. I don't know what to do anymore. Can someone give me some ideas? It's getting harder to keep on keeping on and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Anyway, I apologize if this seems all jumbled, but this is where my head is at right now.

 

Thanks.

[mgirl]

Anotherday,

 

Why did you move there? Just curious.

 

In my experience, nothing is worth being unhappy about and your living environment is very important.

 

You say that houses are not selling? Would you be prepared to take a loss just to move on?

 

If you don't mind me asking, why haven't you worked for 2 years?

 

Mgirl

[Jetta]

Have you tried applying for jobs in different states? Have you considered renting your house until the market improves if you get a job in another state and have to move. You would need someone to manage the rental, you know a contact person for the renters but it's a way to move on.

 

You may be overwhelmed you said you haven't even cleaned. Start with one room at a time. Apply for jobs all over the country, there's bound to be a place that needs your expertise.

 

Best of luck to you I'm in a rut myself, it's easier to give advice to another.

[Anotherday]

Anotherday,

 

Why did you move there? Just curious.

 

In my experience, nothing is worth being unhappy about and your living environment is very important.

 

You say that houses are not selling? Would you be prepared to take a loss just to move on?

 

If you don't mind me asking, why haven't you worked for 2 years?

 

Mgirl

 

Mgirl,

 

Without getting into all the gory details, things changed drastically in a very short amount of time and I didn't have much time to ponder where to go. I'd been doing a four hour commute to and from work each day and decided to put my house on the market. I had six weeks to pack up my house with no place to go. My (former) company had operations here and the cost of living was cheaper. I thought other factors could make up for the reality that is this place, but they haven't panned out. I would be willing to take less for this house than what it's worth, but I won't return to my former city as I cannot afford it and I don't know where else I would go. Plus, my resume doesn't look real good right now so I "should" probably just sit tight and get a job. Why haven't I worked? Well, part of it is due to what happened in my last job (harassment that ruined me in my job) and just not wanting to be here. I have an interview scheduled for this Wed. I'm switching careers completely and I'm even unsure about that. I guess I'm stuck. Thanks.

[mgirl]

Anotherday:

 

Without getting into all the gory details, things changed drastically in a very short amount of time and I didn't have much time to ponder where to go. I'd been doing a four hour commute to and from work each day and decided to put my house on the market. I had six weeks to pack up my house with no place to go.

 

Well, we all make mistakes. My parents bought a house in the country, which turned out to be a disaster. My mum because depressed and they were forced to sell the house and move back to the city. I think they made a loss, but i can't be sure. The thing is though, they have managed to rebuild their lives. It has taken time, but it can be done.

 

I also bought the wrong unit 5 years ago. Nearly every day i woke up realising what i had done and regretted it. 6 months ago, i sold it and it's the best decision i have made in a long time.

 

I have also put myself in situations that haven't been the best for me, but have worked out the best thing to do is stabilize yourself so you feel comfortable enough to 'think' and sort things out. Having a good place to live can make all the difference.

 

If you can't afford to move back to your old city, perhaps move to a new city and take a cheaper apartment. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter, as long as you are comfortable in your surrounds. you can sell some of your stuff, downgrading might not be so bad for a while.

 

My (former) company had operations here and the cost of living was cheaper. I thought other factors could make up for the reality that is this place, but they haven't panned out.

 

Sometimes things don't work out to expectations. Best thing to do this, when you have realised, is to let it go and move on. Sitting around thinking about it isn't going to make it go away...

 

I would be willing to take less for this house than what it's worth, but I won't return to my former city as I cannot afford it and I don't know where else I would go.

 

Please see above.

 

Plus, my resume doesn't look real good right now so I "should" probably just sit tight and get a job.

 

I know what you mean about the resume. I am not sure what to say here.

 

Why haven't I worked? Well, part of it is due to what happened in my last job (harassment that ruined me in my job) and just not wanting to be here.

 

Yep, i got retrenched in my last professional job and just before that, i had a death in the family which has taken me around 1.5 years to get over. So, i am going to have to explain why i've been out of the professional workforce for almost 1.5 years. Part of me feels like being honest and saying i had a personal issue, needed a mindless job, but that i am ready to make a commitment and contribution to my next employer.

 

I have an interview scheduled for this Wed. I'm switching careers completely and I'm even unsure about that. I guess I'm stuck.

 

Congratulations on the interview. And can i just say, from your original post, please stop drinking. Honestly, i have been there myself, and whilst it takes away the pain for a while, it really only serves to compound problems because alcohol is essentially a depressant. To be honest, the booze will change your thinking habits and you won't even notice it. When you give up drinking, you will notice a whole different mind-set and be able to sought out your problems in a rational and clear-thinking manner. Trust me on that. When i was drinking, i thought it was just me, that i was depressed and that was the way it was. Now that i have stopped, i have realised my mind is clear, so i can sort things out better.

 

Hope that helps. Not judging about the drinking, just letting you know the downside

 

Cheers,

 

Mgirl