Clarity Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 In short: How do I tactfully ask someone I've been chatting with for a while if they have more photos - or, and this is my gut feeling, is there no way of doing this politely? Background: I messaged a girl online who had a nice profile, but no pic. She replied with a single pic, which was cute, but just a headshot. We've been messaging back and forth for a couple of weeks and we definitely seem to get along well, have things in common, but of course if I met her, I would want there to be attraction. From the headshot, she seems cute, but I really can't get a proper read on whether I would be attracted to her. On the other hand, I have several pics up, a headshot and some body shots - you can tell from my pics what I look like. The thing is, I think it's way too obvious to ask for more pics that I'm asking because I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her - and that would be rude and hurtful. I was thinking of asking her if she had facebook and whether we could continue the conversation on there. My excuse would be that I would like to read her messages as soon as I can, even when I'm working, but I prefer not to access online dating sites at work. Do you think asking for her facebook sends to the wrong message? Ladies, any advice? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I know there are different views on this but I was always put off - and sometimes offended - if I was asked for a "full body shot" - I had four photos in my profile all either head shots or to the waist. I listed my height and weight in my profile (I am thin). However, these days with people posting pictures all the time perhaps it would be more acceptable. To me, it's so not a big deal to meet someone for 30 minutes for coffee - so that to ask for a full body shot just to see if I am 'worth coffee" is just not cool at least to me. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I would not ask for a full body shot but saying "i would love to see more pics" shouldn't be taken as rude. That would just show you liked the first one and want to see more. Link to comment
Jetta Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I'm all about being direct, but then again, why not just meet? I mean maybe she's not computer literate. Link to comment
Clarity Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 I know there are different views on this but I was always put off - and sometimes offended - if I was asked for a "full body shot" - I had four photos in my profile all either head shots or to the waist. I listed my height and weight in my profile (I am thin). However, these days with people posting pictures all the time perhaps it would be more acceptable. To me, it's so not a big deal to meet someone for 30 minutes for coffee - so that to ask for a full body shot just to see if I am 'worth coffee" is just not cool at least to me. I definitely agree that asking for a "full body shot" is pretty rude. To clarify, I'm not worried that this girl's body is not "all that" - she's an avid soccer player and I'm not really worried about her fitness. It's just that the one picture doesn't even give me a great idea of whether I would be attracted to her based on her face. Even if it was another headshot, I think it would give me a better idea of whether I want to go forward and ask her out or not... Link to comment
SupaflyTNT Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Seriously, just go get coffee or some drinks with her. You'll find out soon enough if you're attracted or not. It's not like you have to take her out again if you're not interested. The purpose of dating is to find out these things, isn't it? Link to comment
Whiplash Girl Child Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I don't think that asking for a body shot is rude-- I mean, if you think about it, what's really wrong with that? Sucks, but physical attraction IS important. Sure, it's not EVERYTHING. But it does have a role! Now . . . although it might be OK to want to see what her body looks like, it MIGHT insult her if you ask her, straight out, for a full body shot. Do NOT risk things by asking her, flat out, "hey, can I get a body shot of you?" Instead . . . Butter her up. Say something like, "you look so pretty in that picture that you sent to me, do you have any more? I'd like to see more of you!" Big deal. If she's going to have a problem with you wanting to see a body shot, then, well, something isn't right. Link to comment
Clarity Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 I would not ask for a full body shot but saying "i would love to see more pics" shouldn't be taken as rude. That would just show you liked the first one and want to see more. I should have done this, but I'm thinking that boat has sailed? She sent a pic in her first message and we've been messaging back and forth for days now with no mention of pictures (although I did say she looked cute in the original pic message). Link to comment
lila... Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Have you asked her for more pics yet? Like JadedStar said, just say something like, "I'd love to see more pics of you Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I am going to have to disagree with this - I would be put off by someone I'd never met writing that he'd "love to see more pics" - I would know for sure that he wasn't sure I was worth the effort to meet for 45 minutes over coffee and that would be a turn off - I would prefer for a person who was that focused on my looks as far as meeting for coffee to just not meet me for coffee. You should not ask her out on a date - you should suggest meeting for coffee to see if you should ask her out for a date. Pictures very often do not give a clear sense of whether there is chemistry. On the other hand if you are that focused on looks that you need to see several pictures just to see if you could be attracted to the person, then it's better to seek out women who already have several pictures posted. Nothing wrong with that level of focus - but I think it is a bit unusual to need extra pictures where she already gave you a head shot, just to see if she's worthy of meeting for coffee. If the picture was far away or fuzzy, then sure. I definitely rejected men based on their pictures - if I was repulsed or knew we would never be a match (he had very long hair, etc) then it was a no go. But to meet for coffee I did not need to see an array of pictures - I just needed to know that I found him presentable. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I would not be put off at all by "i'd love to see more pics". It would tell me they liked the first one and would like to see more. I think with online dating it is very appropriate. I think you should still meet tho. Even if you don't like what you see what is a few hours at a coffee shop? Don't wait forever to meet up, just do it. Link to comment
SupaflyTNT Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I think the OP might have this idea that if he meets this girl for coffee he owes her something in the way of continued contact. Maybe not, that's just the vibe I get. But I agree with Batya totally, why ask for more pics when you can just meet in real life for half an hour and see the real thing? Half the pics on those dating sites don't do the person justice anyhow. She could be extraordinarily beautiful in actuality and you're stressing over some extra pics. You thought she was cute in the first pic, so go ahead and meet her. Link to comment
lila... Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I think the OP might have this idea that if he meets this girl for coffee he owes her something in the way of continued contact. Maybe not, that's just the vibe I get. But I agree with Batya totally, why ask for more pics when you can just meet in real life for half an hour and see the real thing? Half the pics on those dating sites don't do the person justice anyhow. She could be extraordinarily beautiful in actuality and you're stressing over some extra pics. You thought she was cute in the first pic, so go ahead and meet her. I met a guy that I thought was GORGEOUS in a pic he sent me, I agreed to meet him in person and he looked totally different So from now on, if I ever meet anyone online, I'm asking for more pictures!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 i've been put off when i have posted several photos and guys ask for more pics. just ask her to coffee already, and you'll know what's up. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 But I agree with Batya totally, why ask for more pics when you can just meet in real life for half an hour and see the real thing? Yeah, I completely agree. I've never done online dating, but why not just meet for coffee or a drink instead of agonizing over how to ask for more pics? I mean, you could have 100 pics of her, but meeting her in person, seeing her smile, talk, etc will tell you much more than any amount of pictures. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I'd go with the meet in person, what's a cup of coffee really. Then you know everything and can decided where to go from there. If it works out then later you can laugh about it. Back when I did on-line dating, along with face pics, I had a full body picture...then again, it was to my advantage to do so. Link to comment
Brokenhearted1607307810 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I have been online dating for a while, and i would be offended if i was asked for a full body shot. Mostly pictures that people put up are taken a few years back, so you sort of bear in mind that they will a ) have aged a couple of years or B) put on a few extra pounds !. To my mind this is online dating emphasis on the word dating... Dating is an interaction between two people, not one and a photo... Link to comment
Clarity Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 I think what most people are saying makes sense. I'll give asking her out to coffee a shot soon. Link to comment
czjnkn Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Does everybody seriously think that it would be better to meet her in person? I think that if you meet her and happen to not be attracted to her, that she would feel worse in that respect if you rejected her. There is a lot of girls (guys too, but I don't go around looking at guys pictures) who take strange angled shots that can seem to make them look much smaller or prettier than they actually are. Now i'm not trying to be shallow or anything, because i'm really not, but attraction is attraction and if it's not there it's not going to work. I think it'd be easier to view a couple more photo's and make sure that you're attracted to her, rather than meeting up with her, realizing that you're not attracted to her and then ignoring or avoiding her. I wouldn't go all out and say "hey send me a full body shot", but I don't think there's any harm in just saying something like "hey do you have a facebook or myspace?" There isn't any harm in that and i'd say chances are 99% that she has one or the other. Also, now that I think of it, if I were to ask a girl if she had a myspace or facebook and she got offended by it for some reason, that would be a good enough indicator to not continue forth with her anyway. Link to comment
Clarity Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think I found a good way of going about this. I sent her a short message tonight, congratulating her on finishing an exam she had today (she's out with friends to celebrate). I attached a pic of mine that's not on my profile saying that it's a better closeup shot of me, which is true, and just adding "If you have any more pics to share, you'd make my day =) ". I think that's a nice way of saying it, any disagreement? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think I found a good way of going about this. I sent her a short message tonight, congratulating her on finishing an exam she had today (she's out with friends to celebrate). I attached a pic of mine that's not on my profile saying that it's a better closeup shot of me, which is true, and just adding "If you have any more pics to share, you'd make my day =) ". I think that's a nice way of saying it, any disagreement? I don't think there should be probs with that. Personally that would not offend me. Hopefully wouldn't offend her either. Link to comment
SupaflyTNT Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think I found a good way of going about this. I sent her a short message tonight, congratulating her on finishing an exam she had today (she's out with friends to celebrate). I attached a pic of mine that's not on my profile saying that it's a better closeup shot of me, which is true, and just adding "If you have any more pics to share, you'd make my day =) ". I think that's a nice way of saying it, any disagreement? I wouldn't have even bothered with it. I see the wide range of answers to your post here and it leads me to the conclusion that you can't possibly predict her reaction to you wanting more pics, no matter how you word it. I would have just met her and gotten it over with. There's no reason you can't have a 30 min or hour long date with her and never talk to her again if you weren't attracted. But yeah, that's a decent way of asking for more pics, I guess. Link to comment
Clarity Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 Well, she sent back some more pics and let's just say I am definitely asking her out soon! Link to comment
Brightest Dark Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I'd just ask if they have more pix you can see. In my mind, someone who doesn't put any on their profile or only sends one is hiding something. It is only natural for most people to want to see more than one - if not for anything more than you want to be able to recognise them if you DO end up agreeing to meet. If she can't handle that you want to see more of what she looks like then she's not worth writing to. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I'd just ask if they have more pix you can see. In my mind, someone who doesn't put any on their profile or only sends one is hiding something. It is only natural for most people to want to see more than one - if not for anything more than you want to be able to recognise them if you DO end up agreeing to meet. If she can't handle that you want to see more of what she looks like then she's not worth writing to. I completely disagree, since all that's happening is a one hour coffee date. I went on MANY blind dates through personal ads and friends before it was easy to share photos and it was easy to know who the person was - you told each other a general description and what you'd be wearing, no big deal. If a person puts no pictures up, I agree because in this day and age on an on line dating site it's easy to upload pictures. But as long as there is one reasonable picture - close up enough to be able to see features, if someone asked me for more (and they did at times) i would know that they were way too focused on looks and that we didn't have enough in common to meet. It's not "natural" to need to see more than one picture of someone you're meeting for 45 minutes for coffee - it shows that person's particular values. If someone was all of a sudden excited to meet me because of extra pictures I sent and had been lukewarm before I would be concerned about the focus on looks. Obviously looks matter, I'm just talking about levels of focus and being willing to risk offending someone just because you need a full body shot in order to devote 45 minutes to meeting a new person. And if someone told me "so I can recognize you when we meet" I would feel insulted that the person would think that I would believe that as the reason. I am saying this even though I was duped several times - one man had deep scars down the side of his face, which was paralyzed, including his eye, several men put up pictures from 40 pounds ago (and yes it made a difference - especially that they lied), etc. I made the decision though that it started things off on the wrong foot if I would ask for more pictures just because of a few bad apples who decided to lie. it wasn't their fault. I will say that if the person is very particular as to looks, body measurements, etc. then the person should ask for more pictures, but should be 100% up front that he is very particular as to body type or whatever even for a quick drink meet up - so that the woman knows what the values are and can decide whether that's cool with her - I am sure for some women who are equally particular it would be fine. Link to comment
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