I feel terrible! Long post, bear with me!

[PolkaDottie]

I was raised to treat others how you want to be treated, so it is hard for me to be mean to someone unless they really deserve it. It is because of this mentality that I am having difficulties with a clingy friend.

 

She and I were roommates last year and she did not have many friends, while I was involved in a lot of campus activities, so I know quite a few people and had many friends. Because of this, she would always ask to come with me every time I left our dorm! At first it was okay with me, after all she is a very sweet girl and a respectful roommate. Plus, I thought she just wanted to get involved in campus activities to meet new people. However, after a while of this she did not join any of the clubs I belonged to, and did not talk to other people when we went to these meetings and events.

 

I realized there was a problem when she was planning a dinner party and said we should invite all of OUR friends...people she had only met once or twice through me. This was fine, I was happy to see her getting to know new people and thought for sure she would be inviting some of her own friends as well, which ended up not being the case.

 

I felt bad and put up with this for awhile, but she began inviting herself places ALL THE TIME that were not just the drugstore, Target, grocery shopping, or a club meeting. I would meet old friends for dinner that she had never met and she would ask to come! I would be someone's date to a fraternity formal and she would ask to come!

 

My friend and I are huge fans of this one band who came to a town near campus so we tried to get tickets, and my roommate asked to come too - even though she doesn't really like the band and she thought it would be fun. We already had tickets and she asked us to sell them and sit with her in the upper deck since she could not afford where we were sitting! But she was so polite about it that I caved in!

 

My friends are getting mad at me and say I should just avoid her calls now that we will not be living together next school year. I felt bad, so I continued to answer her calls, texts, and Instant Messages. However recently she surprised me and I have finally had enough; I just don't know how to respond to this!

 

I am going to New York City with three of my girlfriends. We bought airfare, hotel, and show tickets way ahead of time. As soon as the roommate found out about the trip she invited herself along! And this time she did not even ask if she could come - she just said "that sounds so fun!" and then told me she took off work to come and that she could not find a hotel so she will just be staying with us!! I said I was not sure there would be enough room and she said she would squeeze. I told her it would be impossible for us to get another ticket to our shows and she said she would just wait for us and go out afterwards.

 

I don't know what to do. She is a nice girl but completely overwhelming and now it is on my nerves more than ever! Our trip is next week and I don't know what to say! If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice as to what I should do, please let me know. I know I probably sound rude and ungrateful for having a friend who wants to be around me so much, but it really is overbearing (not to mention my other friends cannot stand her because she is so protective of me and does not talk to them when she hangs out w/us!) Please help

[SupaflyTNT]

Wow, I've never experienced anything like this before. Actually, I have. I have a twin brother and he has always been the introvert while I have been the extrovert between us. All the way up to and through high school he would just hang out with me everywhere I went with all of my friends. The difference was that my brother was able to interact with my friends once he was comfortable with them. Also, my brother outgrew this shadowing phase and made his own friends in college.

 

The best thing I can tell you to do is sit down with your friend and discuss exactly what it is that bothers you. Explain to her that you and your friends feel a little uncomfortable when she invites herself to your activites and doesn't interact with everyone. It's going to require some tact, it's going to be uncomfortable and you have to be prepared for her to have some emotion about this, but this is probably the only way to solve the problem short of ignoring her.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone - have you ever tried just being a bit more blunt about not letting her come along to other stuff saying, 'actually, sheila and i wanted to get dinner by ourselves, she just broke up with her boyfriend and wants to talk to me alone tonight but we can get dinner sometime later this week' or something of the nature. in fact, you shouldn't even have to explain!

 

have you suggested she try to make more of her own friends? and regarding new york, just tell her that the trip is planned, capped at 4. i think you might just need to start putting your foot down more.

 

are you two living together next year?

[PolkaDottie]

Thanks so much for the advice. And no, we aren't going to be living together next year. It is so hard - I think I put my foot down when I say, "Oh we already have a hotel, maybe next time!" or "Oh we already have our tickets, I'm sorry!" she just finds a way around it! It's insane. I just feel terrible saying "Ya know what? You aren't invited, please don't come"

[annie24]

Thanks so much for the advice. And no, we aren't going to be living together next year. It is so hard - I think I put my foot down when I say, "Oh we already have a hotel, maybe next time!" or "Oh we already have our tickets, I'm sorry!" she just finds a way around it! It's insane. I just feel terrible saying "Ya know what? You aren't invited, please don't come"

 

it sounds like it might come to that, that you just really have to sit her down and tell her you love her, but that she can't assume she is automatically invited to all your events. you'd think that she would have learned this life lesson by now.

 

it sounds like she doesn't have other friends. is she very shy? a bit socially inept?

[SupaflyTNT]

It really does sound like you just have to teach her this life lesson. She might not appreciate it but it's something she has to know if she isn't going to drive YOU away (and other friends in the future).

[PolkaDottie]

Kind of shy, more stuck up than shy. Always talking bad about people, especially people I am friends with. I wonder sometimes if it is a tactic to make me like her more? When she points out the bad qualities of others? Who knows. She told me she booked her ticket to NY, am I supposed to just ignore her calls when she gets there and tries to stay in our hotel? This is terrible.

[SupaflyTNT]

Kind of shy, more stuck up than shy. Always talking bad about people, especially people I am friends with. I wonder sometimes if it is a tactic to make me like her more? When she points out the bad qualities of others? Who knows. She told me she booked her ticket to NY, am I supposed to just ignore her calls when she gets there and tries to stay in our hotel? This is terrible.

 

No, no, I wouldn't just ignore her while she's stuck in New York. That would be sort of cruel. But you definitely need to have a talk with her about this at some point. You even said this New York thing is the last straw. Tell her (nicely) what the problem is and that it's pushing you and your friends away from her. Be prepared for it not to end well but either way you'll get what you want. She will either make some changes or she won't speak to you anymore.

[nuttybuddy]

I think it's too late to put your foot down now. She's already bought herself a NYC airfare AND took the days off from work! It's kinda rude to tell her NOW that she can't join you and your friends, when she's told you from the get go that she intended on SQUEEZING IN with you guys. I think if you were to have put your foot down, it should have been RIGHT THERE AT THE BEGINNING BEFORE she made plans and paid the expenses.

 

Let her stay at her own hotel, and meet up for lunch or dinner, but don't let her squeeze in and sleep in your hotel room. Letting her stay with you will be impossible to keep her at bay from spending the whole trip with you and your friends. As long as she has her hotel, you'll have enough space and time between you guys to be away from each other.

 

But seriously, she's unbelievable to have invited herself this way. JUST BE MORE ADAMANT ON YOUR STAND NEXT TIME. You sound like a major pushover. No offense.

[PolkaDottie]

I AM a major pushover! But I like your advice about NYC, I can be adamant and say "Look, there really is not enough room in our hotel and I would feel bad if you came all the way there and did not have a place to stay. You should try to get your own room and we can meet up for lunch or dinner otherwise maybe we could go together another time."

 

I don't want to hurt her feelings, she does not deserve that, which is why this is so hard for me. Thanks though!

[SupaflyTNT]

I AM a major pushover! But I like your advice about NYC, I can be adamant and say "Look, there really is not enough room in our hotel and I would feel bad if you came all the way there and did not have a place to stay. You should try to get your own room and we can meet up for lunch or dinner otherwise maybe we could go together another time."

 

I don't want to hurt her feelings, she does not deserve that, which is why this is so hard for me. Thanks though!

 

You know, all hotels limit the number of occupants in a single room. Tell her the hotel limits the room to just you and your friends, she'll have to stay somewhere else.

[nuttybuddy]

You're welcome! Try to have fun in NYC. I grew up in NYC, so I know u can have an awesome time.

 

And although, I think your way of telling her to get her own place is a little weak cuz you make it sound like you're caring about HER, I think if push comes to shove, and she INSISTS that she stays with you, YOU BETTER PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SAY NO. Tell her that you don't feel right about it since you've already book the room for only 3 guests. Tell her it will make u feel uncomfortable.

 

And if you don't, then I'm just gonna have to come over there and tell her FOR YOU.

 

Bon Voyage!