SpeedingCars Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 He confessed to cheating 4 days ago, I THOUGHT it was understood we were going to work it out, but... He's been acting distant. He's hard to reach. He calls me though... we barely speak for more than 5 minutes. What's going on? I don't know how this is supposed to work, this whole... "rebuilding after infidelity". I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be calling him, he's supposed to be calling me, should we give each other space... I'm not sure if it's guilt, embarrassment, or if he just doesn't like me anymore which is why he's been acting this way. I read other people's posts, and their SO's who cheated have begged, pleaded, etc. He has said "Sorry", but hasn't cried to me or anything. I understand there are no written rules as to how this is supposed to work, but general comments/ideas/input about what to expect would be nice. P.S. I have heard it so many times to "let him go, once a cheater... always a cheater", but I believe differently, so... I have made up my mind that this is his last chance. Link to comment
tikkii Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 My only advice to you would be to cut your losses right now and move on. If you can't trust somebody, where's the future there? There really isn't a happy one for you. I had moved country for my guy and only 5 months into that move realised there was no way I could trust him. That move had cost me a fortune but nowhere near as expensive if I'd stayed. It broke my heart to leave but it was definitely the right decision. I'm single again at 35 but hell, I'd rather be single watching tv on a Saturday night on my own than worrying my head off where my guy is or what he is up to. Why settle for 2nd best. Link to comment
wheezy84 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 You sound rather needy of him. I mean come on. You found out from the GIRL? Whether he cries out for desperation for you or doesn't, what's the difference? At the end of the day, he fooled around with her and didn't even bother to tell you. If you even give in the slightest bit, that just shows how needy you are and that he can do anything to you and you'll compromise. You'll also suffer in the future if you can't trust him. For what has happened to me, the 8 months I went back to my ex, it was pure torture - because I couldn't trust him. Don't make excuses so that you can believe HIS excuses. As tikkii says, cut your losses and move on. Really. Link to comment
RootsAndWings Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Hi. If you look up posts from me last year you will see I was in somewhat of a similar situation... only we were engaged and I found out he had sex with another woman. Did I mention is was four months to the day before our wedding. Well, my posts says all of that (about finding out etc). What it doesn't say is what I just signed on to talk about (and will post in a minute) and that is this... I went through with it and married him. I believed he wouldn't do it again because I wanted to believe in him. Has he again, not that i'm aware. But what I will warn you now, and please understand this because I am speaking (typing) very level headed right now... YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WHERE I AM TODAY. The feeling never goes away. It never leaves you... the "what if's" the "he'll only know better how not to get caught"... it's horrible. I struggle everyday. If I were you, I would move on. I wish you the best Link to comment
Rabican Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 There are no rules regarding your situation except that whatever you feel is the way to go. If you want to leave him, then do it. If you want to make a try at working past this... then do it. Should you be talking to him? Thats up to you. Its all up to you, and whatever you do, whatever you decide he should be bending over backwards to make you ok with whatever happened, or whatever you decide. However, if you feel that he just doesnt care about all this (and he should care) then maybe hes just going through the motions and you shouldnt bother with him. Link to comment
chasey Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 There are no rules regarding your situation except that whatever you feel is the way to go. If you want to leave him, then do it. If you want to make a try at working past this... then do it. Should you be talking to him? Thats up to you. Its all up to you, and whatever you do, whatever you decide he should be bending over backwards to make you ok with whatever happened, or whatever you decide. However, if you feel that he just doesnt care about all this (and he should care) then maybe hes just going through the motions and you shouldnt bother with him. All very well said.... Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Since he is not very apologetic about the other woman, he does not feel like he did something wrong. This type of behavior will probably repeat. Do you want to be with someone who may or may not sleep around? Since you are not officially together, he does not have to answer to you about what he is doing when he is on his own. Do you really want to be in this type of relationship, wondering what is going on? Take control and decide if you want to stay with him or move on. The trust issue never goes away. Link to comment
SpeedingCars Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Yeah, I agree... I HAVE been acting needy. It's hard because usually when I ran into problems or bad situations, he'd be the one that I could call on to help me cope. He was so important to me, and now... he's the one that's caused it all & I feel all around HORRIBLE. I'm trying very hard to stop being needy of him, but it's so difficult. Not impossible, but... very very difficult. I can't really expect anything from him if I don't even know what to do! I'm leaning towards staying with him, but to push me towards that INDEFINITELY, I'd need some sort of positive signal from him... but he seems so distant! He's barely talking to his friends, family, etc. Ahh.. I'm such an idiot. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 You are not an idiot. I was in a relationship like yours for 4 years, until I finally gave up and realized that things were not going to change until I stopped turning to him for help. You must have other friends or family that you can talk to. If not, you can always come here and post about anything. There is always someone around who can give you some help. Link to comment
SpeedingCars Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 ycmanvs, thank you. it gets hard though, when I want to give him another chance, but everybody is telling me not to. I do have friends & family, but it's not the same. I feel weak for even writing about this or for feeling so dependent on somebody who hurt me. I have a hard time deciding what I want, and thi situation is so difficult for me right now... I'm beating myself up, asking "Why is he doing this? Why is he doing that? Why isn't he talking to me like he normally did?" when I know I shouldn't. I just wish I could have some answers & that he would stop acting so distant/weird.. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 You cannot control what he does and you cannot figure out why he does it. You do have control over yourself though, so start doing things without him. When you start to think about him, give yourself a few minutes, but then stop and try to focus on something else. If he misses you, he will come to you. You do not need to chase him. Link to comment
charles89 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 from the sounds of it he felt extremely guilty at first when he told you (someone said you found out from the girl? i can't find this in your OP anymore), and now that you want to work through it, he probably does not feel as guilty now and feels like hes given a free pass. when i cheated i balled my eyes out, we spoke on the phone everyday for hours and saw each other everyday .. she went through the same emotions but i had to be there for her, so when she questions things i would be there to answer (and yes, she asked the same questions over and over again even if it was answered or if she knew that answer). the fact that he is distant is a huge warning signs. im a believer that a relationship with cheating can workout, but im afraid this doesn't sound like one of them. Link to comment
LifesontheUp Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Its way to early for you to really know what you want to do here....you are likely still in shock. I think your initial reaction in acting needy and stuff like that is quite common so don't worry about that. To be honest, I would be concerned about how he is reacting though. Have you met up and discussed what happened and whether he wants to work this out or not?.... as it doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who does. If he is serious about working on this with you then he needs to start showing you some love and support here, after all he's betrayed you in an extremely bad way. If it were me, considering his behaviour I would cut him off - go no contact with him. This will hurt you, but it will also give you time to concentrate on yourself. Go do things that you enjoy, spend time with your friends and family. If he comes running back to you, and if you want him back, it can be on YOUR terms, and you can explain to him what you expect from him. Good luck. Link to comment
j0shua Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 in light of my recent experiences, you should cut your losses. while we tend to gravitate towards the neediness and comfort ends of the spectrum you are selling yourself short. outside forces tell you to stay away, because they know it is probably the right thing and they are going to be way more objective than you are with a broken heart. as always tho, this advice is easy to give, hard to follow through on... Link to comment
SpeedingCars Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 You guys are right... I think I've been in denial about this. I shouldn't have let him off the hook so easily because I get the "vibe" that he doesn't feel so guilty anymore because there weren't any consequences for his actions. He is the type that hates confrontation and "dealing" with things. When problems arise, he either remains mute or he hides in his shell (last time, he was MIA for about 2 weeks). His communication skills are very, very poor... and many of you guys wonder, "Why the heck are you with this guy?" .....I don't know. The last conversation I had with him was a big argument. He ended up calling me that same night as if nothing happened (I told him to come pick up his things - he acted like I never said that). I wish it was easy to cut my losses. It is SO hard. The main thing is: I sort of glossed over my story. In fact, he didn't admit to CHEATING... he admitted to having sex with this girl while we were broken up. But in my head, that's just as bad. It's dishonest because I asked him when we got back together if he had sex with anyone else and he said "no". For 3 years, this girl was a problem in our relationship. I kept asking him questions about it a few days ago & he got REALLY annoyed and frustrated. In turn, I got irritated and yelled at him, saying I deserved to be listened to... we hung up on a really bad note. During the conversation, he kept saying "I told you, do what you gotta do/Whatever makes you happy/I can't change how you feel, etc." I sort of hate that about him. He's the type that feels like you can't change somebody's mind or feelings, so you might as well let them go happily. If I told him I wanted to break up with him, his thinking is "As long as she's happy...". Ugh! I want him to fight for me! Thank you all for your advice. For now, I will have to go NC... if I can't do that, then VERY limited contact. It's been Day 1 of that... and it is difficult, but hopefully we can work things out LifesontheUp, I feel a bit relieved knowing my reaction wasn't so shocking. I AM acting needy for some odd reason... it really should be HIM bawling his eyes out, begging me for forgiveness. I think the pain of it all is settling in, I've just been numbing myself, trying to block out bad emotions. Link to comment
LifesontheUp Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Quite a lot of people try and cling onto what they have been used to, their confort zone so to speak.....what you are experiencing is perfectly normal whilst your emotions are all over the place. I've known people beg their partner not to leave them. I knows its hard, been there 5 years ago but you will get through it. Like I already posted, I would cut any contact and work on yourself. If he tries to win you back, make him work for it.....but thats only if you want him too. Link to comment
beeter64 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 They confess, you take them back and then?...they cheat again! I hate to tell people to dump someone since I know each relationship is different but pease don't take him back. I took back a cheater and he cheated on me again. It's been 5 years and I still regret giving him another chance. Please do not let this man walk all over you like I did. Run now and find someone deserving of you. I wish I would have listened to all the people that told me the same thing. It would have saved me a ton of heartache. Good luck. Link to comment
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