Peechee Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 I have been dating this girl for almost two months. I've taken a few Uni classes(we are both in Law) with her over the last year and we reached a point where we started dating. I get along great with her as she has an amazing personality and is really smart; we can talk and joke about anything. However, the problem is that I'm not really attracted to her. She is quite pretty and certainly not obese but she is bigger, much bigger than I'm actually attracted to. I think I'm more accepting than most guys for excess weight but in this case it is just too much. I know this sounds really shallow and believe me it kills me, but I see all these women in a day which I'm super attracted to but when it comes to the girl I am actually with right now I am not attracted to her physically. I can't help it but I am just not attracted to her no matter what I do ](*,) I really, really want to just be friends with her but we all know this usually doesn't happen. I would be really heart broken if I didn't have her in my life somehow but I just can't date her anymore. I need advice to end this as soon as possible so I don't hurt her, on top of this I suck at breaking up with women period so this is gonna be killer. How can I end the dating relationship without telling her it is because I don't find her attractive and also still remain friends!?!?!?!?! Link to comment
friday Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Looks fade you know. My feeling is that you shouldnt break up with her , and just give it more time. I mean you like her as a person, you said so yourself. You can always build on that. I mean what are you going to say? She is going to end up knowing it is because of her weight... Link to comment
Yates33 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Tell her you do like her, but you've been busy lately. Then start slowly disappearing on her, but very slowly. Then bring it up and tell her you are undertaking other activities on top of your classes and that you think she deserves to date someone who will be more available before this gets more serious. It works for me. Anyone who tells you this is wrong has probably never been hurt. You are not in a serious relationship and you don't owe her much, so don't make such a big deal about it. The remaining friends part is not happening... Link to comment
Yates33 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Looks fade you know. My feeling is that you shouldnt break up with her , and just give it more time. I mean you like her as a person, you said so yourself. You can always build on that. I mean what are you going to say? She is going to end up knowing it is because of her weight... No she is not. He started dating her at the same weight! Link to comment
Portage Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 But why start a relationship with someone you have no physical chemistry with in the first place? I never understood this one. Link to comment
jettison Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 But why start a relationship with someone you have no physical chemistry with in the first place? I never understood this one. It's because you take a level of fear out of the game when you're dating someone who, if it didn't work out, you wouldn't really be all that heart broken over it. You have a lot more to lose, and thereforeee, have potentially a lot more trouble in store for you when you becomes fully engaged with someone that you're crazy about. Link to comment
Peechee Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 But why start a relationship with someone you have no physical chemistry with in the first place? I never understood this one. Well of course there was SOME physical attraction and that coupled with her personality made me attracted to her. It is more so in relation to other women. I have been with women I was very attracted to and it is a totally different feeling, I didn't care to check out other women constantly as I was attracted to my GF but now that's all I do.... Link to comment
Peechee Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 Tell her you do like her, but you've been busy lately. Then start slowly disappearing on her, but very slowly. Then bring it up and tell her you are undertaking other activities on top of your classes and that you think she deserves to date someone who will be more available before this gets more serious. It works for me. Anyone who tells you this is wrong has probably never been hurt. You are not in a serious relationship and you don't owe her much, so don't make such a big deal about it. The remaining friends part is not happening... Good advice and I might have to do this, but like I say I would honestly like to remain friends Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 You can't help who you are attracted to. You also are cheating her out of finding someone who is physically attracted to her. Don't feel bad, man. It's hard to break it off with someone you really care for. But, it needs to be done sometimes. Link to comment
tatanya4me Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Peechee, if you want to have a chance of staying friends with her down the road, don't play games with her (aka slowly pulling away). People hate that and will hold that against you. Do the right thing, tell her you don't have the feelings for her, but that you want to stay friends with her. Then let her decide how she wants to do this "friendship". If you are honest with her, the chances are higher that she will want to stay friends. Link to comment
Portage Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 I see...I say better sooner than later. But i've never dated someone i've not been fully attracted to. Link to comment
dream83 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 I would venture to ask why you were with her in the first place if you knew she didn't "do it" for you. And by all means, don't play games with her. If you lie to her she will figure it out sooner or later and it will hurt much more than if you are upfront with her. That way at least she'll know the truth upfront and won't have the added sting of knowing you tried to play her for stupid. Link to comment
newyorkpsps Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 what piece of * * * * advice you're offering? in whatever way, you need to be honest with the girl, talk to her. only coward will disappear on someone (slow or not). I bet she'll get it over because You're not attacted to her doesn't mean she's not attactive. and again, the disappearing habit is not what a responsible man will do. my goodness, be a man! Tell her you do like her, but you've been busy lately. Then start slowly disappearing on her, but very slowly. Then bring it up and tell her you are undertaking other activities on top of your classes and that you think she deserves to date someone who will be more available before this gets more serious. It works for me. Anyone who tells you this is wrong has probably never been hurt. You are not in a serious relationship and you don't owe her much, so don't make such a big deal about it. The remaining friends part is not happening... Link to comment
chocolates Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Tell her you do like her, but you've been busy lately. Then start slowly disappearing on her, but very slowly. Then bring it up and tell her you are undertaking other activities on top of your classes and that you think she deserves to date someone who will be more available before this gets more serious. It works for me. Anyone who tells you this is wrong has probably never been hurt. You are not in a serious relationship and you don't owe her much, so don't make such a big deal about it. The remaining friends part is not happening... This is assuming the girl is a half wit.......which obviously she isnt. Doing this little number on her will only make you look and feel like a jerk. Its is honestly the cowards way out..And really its only going to hurt her more, than if you straight out tell her. If you pull away like what this poster suggested, she is going to think you dont LIKE her as a person. Do you want her to think that? Because if someone did that to me (and they have) that is what i would think. Link to comment
Yates33 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I thank both of the posters who called me a "coward" . Shows you have an open mind. Personally, I don't enjoy hurting girls and telling thm, "hey you ugly thing...I just dont like you, but wanna be friends?" For some crazy reason, I think that will hurt much more than having her think things just faded which guess what kids....THINGS DO FADE!!! And people do realize that! And if you read my original post carefully, I clearly said to give her an explanation as to why things have been slowing down...I never said just "disappear" ... two very different things. Link to comment
Clarity Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If you really think there's potential and you think that she is willing, you could try in a positive manner to encourage her and help her get into better shape. The only nice way (in my opinion) of doing this is for you to resolve to get *you* in shape (don't say you already are, EVERYONE can improve themselves physically) and ask her if she wants to join you in your goal. Of course, this is not a likely thing to work, but it is one thing you can try. If it doesn't work, you need to end it because physical attraction is part of a healthy relationship and without it, other problems will arise related to it. Link to comment
dream83 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I thank both of the posters who called me a "coward" . Shows you have an open mind. Personally, I don't enjoy hurting girls and telling thm, "hey you ugly thing...I just dont like you, but wanna be friends?" For some crazy reason, I think that will hurt much more than having her think things just faded which guess what kids....THINGS DO FADE!!! And people do realize that! And if you read my original post carefully, I clearly said to give her an explanation as to why things have been slowing down...I never said just "disappear" ... two very different things. There are better ways of communicating than saying "Hey, you're ugly." But, that comes with maturity I suppose. Furthermore, the OP never said he thought she was ugly. He just said he had a problem with her weight. There are lots of beautiful overweight people, and just because one guy isn't attracted to a girl doesn't mean she's ugly. And while your post did say to lie to her and it did say to disappear. And while things do sometimes fade, people are also not stupid, particularly people who likely may or may not have been judged by a particular physical feature all their lives. Link to comment
Jayar Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If it's JUST weight, then have you thought about working out together? Weight is a sensitive issue for me because I went from being extremely fit, and "pretty" enough that I never had to carry my own groceries to the car to obese (over 200lbs.) in the blink of an eye after a nasty car accident. I have since recovered, and save for a few "mushy spots" that I am sensitive about but no one seems to notice, I am back to my old self. Well, almost... I came out of my experience with a complete DISGUST with the world, and the true realization that weight can make the prettiest girl sexless in the eyes of men. And the most disturbing part? I was HEALTHY weight long before I became attractive to the opposite sex again... I tend to have to be at the low end of healthy weight, to borderline underweight to appeal to guys in my age group because your brains are so damn MESSED UP by the media. Anyway, if you can't beat 'em, I say join 'em... So here from my currently 5'6" 120lb body (which was over 200lbs not that long ago) I say tell her you want to take up jogging. Eat healthy when you go out (I'd recommend low carb) and maybe then you'll be able to enjoy her? Link to comment
lux848 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 OP why cant you just start jogging with her more, do some exercises with her? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If she's in law, i presume she's not a fragile flower emotionally (and better get over it if she is and she's going to be a lawyer), so telling her the truth might be the way to go. Two months is early on when it comes to dating, so she might not be all that devastated. Just tell her you really think she's great, but the spark just isn't there. Although you might want to lead with something like, hey, i think you're great but i'm shallow and like very thin girls and looks are more important to me than a great personality (call a spade a spade). Honestly, if a guy approached me and told me that it would HELP me get over him, because i'd recognize he was pretty shallow, and i'm not interested in shallow men. Having said that, you must be attraced to your romantic partner or it just doesn't work, so i understand that. But you'd better hope you do either find someone who is naturally thin (and will stay that way for 30 years --- unlikely), or get used to the idea that all people (including yourself) change with age and you won't be so hot yourself in a while either. I hope you learn to build a deep enough bond with someone that you can get past the surface when it comes to attraction or things will be really rough for you later in life. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 in my experience this will not work out. once this is in your mind, it's next to impossible to change it. if you aren't attracted to someone, you just aren't. not really any way around it. i'd just tell her that it's not going to work out. Link to comment
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