Worked things out with boyfriend but....

[summerpeach]

After almost 3 yrs together, I still cannot stand his 13 yr old son.

My b/f and I broke up a few times, but last Feb, we broke up for good.

After two months we started to talk again and decided to take it slow and try to be friends and regain lost respect we had for each other.

A lot of our fighting was about his two kids and hey they act and how they are raised.

These kids are spoiled and needy. But I told him I would make an effort to try to see his kids more.

Well I've tried and though I love his sweet little daughter, I cannot stand to even look at his 13 yr old son.

His son has the emotional mentallity of a 5 yr old boy. This kid is needy and spoiled and is always whining "I'm hungry, hurry up and make supper. When is supper going to be ready. I don't want to do this or that"

 

My b/f''s ex wife has these kids living in a fantasy world where they believe a maid does everything and doing a little work will kill ya.

 

I had them over for breakfast 2 weekends ago and his son complained the whole time. I was making french toast and my b/f says "Oh he doesn't like french toast" I said "well that's what I'm making, if he doesn't like it, he can not eat"

My b/f and his ex cater to this kids every wish and whim. It's sickening!

 

No matter how hard I tried, I will never like his son. There are just some people in life I won't like and he will always been one of them

In fact, I think his son has an evil streak.

 

I love my b/f so this sucks.

Anyone else out there in this situation?

[Batya33]

Wasn't the issue also that he slept with someone while you two were on a break? Did you resolve that or is resentment from that affecting your perspective on the son related issues?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hi Summerpeach...hope you enjoyed yesterday's sunshine...I went down to the Old Port...lots of people there.

 

Unfortunately his son is part of the package deal...he may not be a pleasant kid but it sounds like your resentment of him is starting to impact your tolerance level on all fronts. If he truly doesn't like French Toast then he shouldn't be forced to eat it or eat nothing. There are other things to eat. That example struck a chord with me because I hate French Toast and some foods like fish and French Toast, actually makes me gag. So I would hate to be forced to eat it or else there would be nothing else. I can understand forcing a kid to eat vegetables because it is good for them...but French Toast is not vegetables.

[DN]

Do you eat things you don't like?

 

When having guests at your house it is polite to make sure that what you are serving is to their taste. The fact he is 13 makes no difference. I think you were rude to try to force him to eat something he doesn't like which leads me to believe that the issue here may not be all one-sided.

 

When my sister married a man with two children she treated them as she would any other guest in her house - politely but making it clear if necessary that she expected them to respect the rules of the house and normal good behaviour. She did not try to be their mother, or step mother and be a disciplinarian - that was her husband's job and she didn't interfere unless she was personally impacted.

[summerpeach]

Wasn't the issue also that he slept with someone while you two were on a break? Did you resolve that or is resentment from that affecting your perspective on the son related issues?

 

Hey

Yeah, I'm over that. I feel no resentment. I left him, he was hurt and lonely and had every right to do what he did. My ego was bruised. But it's all good now.

 

Him and I have worked so hard on this relationship so the resentment we both felt is slowly fading.

 

I just cannot deal with his son. No matter how hard I try, I can't!

My b/f does agree his son is a pest but I think he's not even sure how to deal with his son.

He tells me that when his son goes home, he actually feels relieved.

[summerpeach]

Hi Summerpeach...hope you enjoyed yesterday's sunshine...I went down to the Old Port...lots of people there.

 

Unfortunately his son is part of the package deal...he may not be a pleasant kid but it sounds like your resentment of him is starting to impact your tolerance level on all fronts. If he truly doesn't like French Toast then he shouldn't be forced to eat it or eat nothing. There are other things to eat. That example struck a chord with me because I hate French Toast and some foods like fish and French Toast, actually makes me gag. So I would hate to be forced to eat it or else there would be nothing else. I can understand forcing a kid to eat vegetables because it is good for them...but French Toast is not vegetables.

 

Hey hun You know what. I was sick all day yesterday and could have kicked myself for not enjoying the sun. I'm back on disability because my illness is just not improving. It was an amazing day though. Glad you got to enjoy it. I bet the old port was jammed!

 

You know, if it was any other kid saying they didn't like something, I would be so cool with that. But his son will dictate to others what he wants to eat.

 

For example, my ex and I were doing groceries last weekend and his sons calls and says "make sure you pick up Nanook salmon cause I don't like the other kinds"....ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Or if my b/f makes breakfast and his son will say "I don't want eggs today, make me something else"

 

I was on the tel with my b/f yesterday while he was bbq'ing supper and his son came to him twice in less than 5 mins and I could hear him in the background "Dad, hurry, I'm hungry. Ahh chicken again"

If I did that to my parents, they would have slapped me upside the head

 

I would not force anyone to eat something they didn't like, but this kid is just too demanding.

By the way, he ate my fench toast and loved it.

You need to come over and I'll make you some of my great french toast

[summerpeach]

Do you eat things you don't like?

 

When having guests at your house it is polite to make sure that what you are serving is to their taste. The fact he is 13 makes no difference. I think you were rude to try to force him to eat something he doesn't like which leads me to believe that the issue here may not be all one-sided.

 

When my sister married a man with two children she treated them as she would any other guest in her house - politely but making it clear if necessary that she expected them to respect the rules of the house and normal good behaviour. She did not try to be their mother, or step mother and be a disciplinarian - that was her husband's job and she didn't interfere unless she was personally impacted.

 

 

I would not eat anything I didn't like, but I would also not demand from others.

I didn't try to force him to eat anything. I know his son is demanding and I refused to bow to his every whimp like his parents do.

I grew up in a home where if my Mom made supper, whether we liked it or not, that's what was for supper. Eat or starve. We ate.

 

The times I really hated something, my mom would tell me to go prepare something else. I was 10 and making my own meals.

It's called respect, something kids have very little of these days.

[DN]

I agree that kids have little respect these days but it isn't your job to instill it in your boyfriend's son.

 

Perhaps next time you could ask him what he wants for breakfast - and if he gives you a hard time then say, "OK - you can have this or that (whatever you have available) you are welcome to help yourself" Then simply walk away or get breakfast for everyone else but him. .

[summerpeach]

I agree that kids have little respect these days but it isn't your job to instill it in your boyfriend's son.

 

Perhaps next time you could ask him what he wants for breakfast - and if he gives you a hard time then say, "OK - you can have this or that (whatever you have available) you are welcome to help yourself" Then simply walk away or get breakfast for everyone else but him. .

 

I agree, it's not my job to instill respect in this kid, but when he's in my home, he needs to be respectful.

 

There was a time when he came here for supper and I asked what he wanted, he requested a chicken burger. I made it for him and as he was eating he was sitting there spitting food onto his plate (he was 12 at the time) and saying "I don't want this, can you make me something else"

When I said no, he got up, said "I don't feel well", fell onto his knees and was pretending to throw up

I looked at my b/f and said "tell your kid to get up off the ground and behave"

My boyfriend yelled at him and then the kid went to the bathroom and dramatically threw up. Went to the couch and said "I feel so sick"

all because he could not get his own way.

Now, I now it was not that my cooking was bad...haha, He's just a spoiled rotten child.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Unfortunately you do have to take the kids if you take the father. Is there any chance he would go to parenting classes with you to learn how to deal with his kids.

 

The other alternative is to have cereal or other sandwhich food in the house, and if he doesn't like what you're preparing, tell him to get cereal or make himself a sandwhich.

 

Kids are responsible for breaking up a lot of second marriages (or parents who can't agree how to manage stepchildren together), so you are wise not to go forward with a marriage if you don't think you can stand his kids. Unfortunately they are part of the deal.

[summerpeach]

Unfortunately you do have to take the kids if you take the father. Is there any chance he would go to parenting classes with you to learn how to deal with his kids.

 

The other alternative is to have cereal or other sandwhich food in the house, and if he doesn't like what you're preparing, tell him to get cereal or make himself a sandwhich.

 

Kids are responsible for breaking up a lot of second marriages (or parents who can't agree how to manage stepchildren together), so you are wise not to go forward with a marriage if you don't think you can stand his kids. Unfortunately they are part of the deal.

 

this is why I agreed to try to see his kids more, I know they are a package. This sounds horrible, but I wish he just had his daughter. I love seeing her. She is the smartest/sweetest 10 yr old I ever met. She's spoiled also, but kind at the same time.

 

I have a lot good food at home and his son could prepare anything else he wanted, but he won't. He has no idea how to make a bowl of cereral. Seriously. Everything is done for him. I know if the boy wanted something else, my b/f would get up and prepare it.

 

My b/f would go to a parenting course if he knew I was serious about one day getting closer to the kids.

I have so many health issues to deal with right now I would not put any energy into his kids and their mental health.

I do believe his kids need therapy. They both suffer from early signs of social phobia and panic attacks. His daughter is 10 and is getting to the obese status. She eats like a football player.

 

Most people I know who are in r/s with people with kids have ended it b/c of the kids. sad! I truly love my guy but do not love his son.

How the heck can you try to be around someone you don't like?

[CatsMeeoow]

The only way this will work is if you find away to accept his son - flaws and all. To continue the way you are will only breed more resentment to your ex and your situation.

 

I think you need to pull WAY back until you find an acceptable way to deal with this. Your bf (and esp your bf's exwife) are not going to change their basic parenting styles - at least not overnight... it would take months to almost a year if he was really trying to change his behavior with his kids. Do you want to wait through that or do you want to move on to a better situation?

 

This is very hard and no easy answers - good luck to you!

 

peace and love

[annie24]

i agree with stocking up your kitchen with some of his favorite cereals or sandwhich meats and fillings, so if he decides he doesn't want whatever you are eating for dinner, tell him he can have some cereal or a sandwhich then. i agree with what DN and the others said - it is a package deal, and it's your bf's responsibility to discipline them. also an interesting statistic by BSBH - i've heard that too, and seen second marriages fall apart over the kdis too! good luck

[DN]

By the way - his behaviour is not at all unusual for a 13 year old.

[unabashed]

If you feel that there is absolutely no way you will ever like your boyfriend's son, I can't see how there would be a future for the relationship. By criticizing the child and finding fault with everything about him, even the sight of him, you are placing your boyfriend in an impossible situation. He loves you, and he loves his son, even with all his faults. There may be guilt or other feelings contributing to the 13 year old being "spoiled"--or he may just resent you or not know how to deal with another woman in his dad's life. Favoring his little sister is not going to help him and his relationship with you.

 

I love both of my children, but when they were around 13, they got on my nerves more than I cared to admit. Sometimes, I felt I didn't like them--they went from whiney child to demanding mini-adult in the span of a half an hour, with no sense of how they affected anyone else, and the firm conviction that the world revolves around them. It's developmentally appropriate, and not always easy to deal with.

 

My present partner does not have children. Adjusting to a household with kids has not been easy. We have different expectations--I really put the focus on school and taking care of their own things, less so on contributing to the household. My partner thinks they should have household chores, too. So, in my house, they do have higher expectations. I find the compromise reasonable, and as long as I support the rules, they are OK. Maybe you and your boyfriend could clarify between the two of you what is acceptable in your home and what is not. If he steps in to support you, you will probably get better results than trying to do it yourself. He should be the one saying, "You're old enough to get your own cereal--here's how to do it." Praising and rewarding his good behavior and his independence will go further than anything else.

[ProtestTheHero]

By the way - his behaviour is not at all unusual for a 13 year old.

 

Yeah, I can't remember the last time I've heard "well mannered" and "13 year old" in the same sentence.

 

I'm not sure what it is that people are expecting from a young kid interacting with a love interest of his father that is not his mother. What's the standard behavior in that scenario, lol?

[SapphireNoir10]

My thirteen year old sister is god awful, tantrums, rude, and then she'll be lovely. It is however your partners job to discipline the children. You can set the rules and be firm though. Thirteen year olds are often like this...maybe hes spoilt? Perhaps you could try family counselling, or he might have a medical condition which makes him hyperactive or picky. its all worth looking into.

 

sadly as long as your with your bf, your with his kids. It must be so frustrating!

[summerpeach]

everyone, thanks for all your input/advice. I can see that I am being a little unreasonable.

 

I don't recall my neice and nephew ever being trouble when they were 13 (they are 15 and 17 now). They were well behaved kids who were awesome to hang out with. So I guess I expected his son to be as cool as my sister's kids.

 

Unbashed, your post put it all into perspective for me. The fact that you admit your kids got on your nerves says a lot. I guess I just feel alone sometimes in my total frustration over this son and how totally obnoxious he can be.

Do you and your s/o live together?

 

My boyrfiend did admit he he dislikes his son at times also. I've been around many kids in my life and I can tell you, his son's behavior is very unusual for a 13 yr old boy. He really does have the emotional maturity of a 5 yr old.

He will crawl around on the floor during supper, or vomit when he cannot get his own way etc. He's strange!

 

When I was 13, I was already working a summer job, taking public transit and cooking my own meals. And I came from a great family with both parents. My parents gave me survival skills. I guess it just ticks me off that the kids are needy and spoiled. Nothing worse than a whiney spoiled kid!

 

I'm going to keep working on it and trying. I doubt I can/will ever love this boy, but I will continue to try and see if things can change.

My future with my boyfriend is uncertain b/c of this but I won't throw in the towel just yet because my boyfriend is a good guy.

 

 

And yes, my boyfriend did get a bigger place to live and his son no longers sleeps in my boyfriends bed with him. The kid went nuts when he had to sleep in his own bed, but it was for his own good.

[summerpeach]

My thirteen year old sister is god awful, tantrums, rude, and then she'll be lovely. It is however your partners job to discipline the children. You can set the rules and be firm though. Thirteen year olds are often like this...maybe hes spoilt? Perhaps you could try family counselling, or he might have a medical condition which makes him hyperactive or picky. its all worth looking into.

sadly as long as your with your bf, your with his kids. It must be so frustrating!

 

 

I've actually mentioned this to my boyfriend. I thought maybe his son had some form of autism. His son cannot give eye contact to anyone. He is socially odd and cries like a baby when he is punished.

My boyfriend cannot even fathom there may be something wrong with his son. There is a huge denial there.

 

My b/f's nephew has aspurger syndrome also so............and by the way, my b/f says "I hate my sisters son and refuse to ever see him or look at him again b/c he's weird and obnoxious"

Imagine that! He refuses to see his sisters kids b/c they are rich/spoiled whiney and one as autism.

[DN]

Do you have children of your own? That may make a difference about how you view his children - experience is the best teacher.

[unabashed]

summerpeach--I do live with my s/o. My 20 year old is at college most of the time. The younger one is 16, but developmentally delayed due to a serious medical condition. Fortunately, her father and I are still able to work together as parents, and we agree on most things. In our home, though, we have to compromise. Parenting my 16 year old is probably the biggest problem my s/o and I have, although we have come to some compromises and areas where we agree to disagree. It's tough at times.

 

I think it's appropriate to not like odd or unappealing behavior. Somehow, as a parent, I am OK when I find my kids annoying, but I feel quite defensive and angry if anyone else thinks so--especially my s/o. I feel, sometimes, that only *I* am entitled to feel that way--which I realize isn't fair or right. I feel that my wishes, as the parent, should be respected, above all. Sometimes I feel like there might be a time when I am forced to choose between one or the other. I will always choose my child.

 

Your boyfriend's son's behavior sounds extreme--I wonder if his parents have considered getting professional help, perhaps with the three of them. Just because they aren't married doesn't mean they can't try to work together to help their son.

[wtm78]

dont know if you heard of the saying, "fight evil with good"

 

someone once said that if you continue to love someone who treats you bad no matter the circumstances unconditionally... they will eventually be move by your love..

 

children dont become bad because they are born bad... circumstances brought them where they are.. most of the time, lack of attention or lack of love from their parents... that includes divorce.. studies show that children from broken homes tend to blame themselves for the cause of their parents' breakup.. it is true it is not their fault... but the are only children... that is how they feel...

 

it is a tough job for a step-mom to be...

[summerpeach]

thanks again.

When you say "Somehow, as a parent, I am OK when I find my kids annoying, but I feel quite defensive and angry if anyone else thinks so--especially my s/o. I feel, sometimes, that only *I* am entitled to feel that way--which I realize isn't fair or right"

 

I feel my b/f feels this way also. He will talk to me about how other people's kids annoy him to death or how there is some kid he "dislikes" on the hockey team etc, but I am not allowed to say his son annoys me.

 

This boy's behavior is extreme and I've mentioned in the past that this child does need help, but both parents deny his issues. They think he's perfect.

 

 

Now here is a NEW development on this actually

 

On the weekend, I saw my b/f's Dad. I never see his parents b/c they are all so clingy but anyway, saw his Dad for the first time in a yr or so.

His Dad was going on and on about how wonderful my b/f's daughter is etc. I agreed. Then the father says to me "I know I've talked a lot about kids, but I really don't even like kids"

 

So I said "I'm not too comfy around kids either"

He said "Well I like kids, I just don't like my grandson" He was ref to my b/f son

I was like "Waaaaaaaaa"

I was all ears at this point and said "I don't exactly feel confortable around him either"

 

So I will give you the gist of the conversation which lasted about 20 mins and most of this happened right in front of my b/f

 

His father said and I quote "This boy is manipulative and mean spirited. He's spoiled and has no respect for anyone. His parents give him whatever he wants and he's never told no. I love my son but him and his ex do not know how to dicipline this boy. I don't like him in my house because he demands what he wants to eat and if he doesn't like what we're eating he gets up and is rude about it etc.......

 

Anyway, he went on and on. When my b/f left the room the father says to me "Between you and I, I hate this child and if I never saw him again I would not even care"

Hand to God he sais this.

 

He said a lot more but that is the gist. All I said to his Dad was "most of our fights are about this boy and I refuse to see him or have him over until he learned some manners"

Etc.

 

Now my b/f was adopted and so was his sister. His Dad is a kind man who took care of two kids that he did not create. He is not a mean spirited man so I was shocked when he told me this

I told him Dad, this is why you never see me. YOu and your wife always ask why I never come around. Well that's why"

The Dad says "I don't blame you"

 

My b/f and I were then alone and I said "How come you never told me your Dad felt this way?"

My b/f replies "Cause I didn't want you to think less of my son"

I said "who cares what I think. If your own Dad hates your boy, get that boy some help"

My b/f's reply "My boy does not need help"

 

So today I told my b/f, the subject of his kids are off limits. I will not subject myself to his son anymore. Or until he gets help.

I'm a grown woman and I live alone. I have no need to rush to live with my b/f so until those kids are grown, I will not take part in their lives.

Sounds selfish, but too bad, I have a serious illness and won't allow this situation to make it worse.

My b/f agreed we'll not talk about his kids.

[summerpeach]

dont know if you heard of the saying, "fight evil with good"

 

someone once said that if you continue to love someone who treats you bad no matter the circumstances unconditionally... they will eventually be move by your love..

 

children dont become bad because they are born bad... circumstances brought them where they are.. most of the time, lack of attention or lack of love from their parents... that includes divorce.. studies show that children from broken homes tend to blame themselves for the cause of their parents' breakup.. it is true it is not their fault... but the are only children... that is how they feel...

 

it is a tough job for a step-mom to be...

 

Hello my friend

 

So funny, I had this same convo with my Mom today.

I believe the opposite, I believe people are born bad/good. Characters are not created, they are born.

His daughter is raises exactly the same and she is soooooooooo sweet. Yes she has no dicipline etc, but she is not mean and mean spirited like this boy.

 

I know a ton of kids who are from divorced families and never have I seen a kid behave this way.

This sounds SO BAD, but I truly think this boy is a bad seed. And I've never said that about a child in my life.

My friends who've met him think it as well.

[JadedStar]

I believe the opposite, I believe people are born bad/good. Characters are not created, they are born.

 

I think that is a sad way of looking at it summerpeach, and i honestly think you and your b/f will have seriousl probs til that kid is grown.

 

that child is a product of his parents whether you like it or not. I honestly believe kids are products of their parents and the whole "bad seed" notion is pretty rare.

 

I don't know why anyone would date a person when they hate their kid. So what if you like ONE of them. You admit you HATE the other one. I dont' know why you plan to stay in this. Let him find smoeone who tolerates his children, his offpsring, better. If he can't find her then so be it.

 

A grandfather saying he hates his grandson surely holds little weight. that post did nothing to really make me think that you hating the kid is any better. If the guy is that poor of a parent leave him. Why stay? Is he suppopsed to be a half a parent until the kid grows up to appease? I am not saying he is a great parent, just syaing that if you hate the kid that bad and think he is some incarnate bad seed then maybe you should move on.